| The Unwritten Rules Of Life |
| or: "mental_donkey's version of Murphy's Law" |
| 1) The number of women walking past is proportional to the amount of food in your mouth. |
| 2) No matter how funny or witty something you say is, people will only find it funny if it is said by a popular person. |
| 3) That girl you've been secretly pining after for years would NEVER go out with you. |
| 4) No matter what you think you are good at, there is always someone better than you. |
| 5) If someone is being nice to you, it's not because they like you. |
| 6) ANY line in a pop song that rhymes with "rye", "die", etc. is ALWAYS followed by the line "no matter how hard I try". |
| 7) If you are mean to someone, people will critisise you, but if they treat you badly, no-one will care. |
| 8) Whenever Kevin Loughlin is in the shower, Virgin Radio will play a David Grey song. |
| 9) Gidieon only phones Kevin when football is on T.V. |
| 10) Trees in city streets are indestructable in computer games. |
| 11) If you happen to 'be' Marc Harris, if you make fun of someone's name, they will score against you in Championship Manager. |
| 12) All hip-hop tracks must have a COMPLETELY irrelevent sample for an intro. |
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| 13) If a platform shakes in a computer game, that means it's about to fall. |
| 14) Any Irish man in a soap opera is either a violent drunk, or a charming, happy-go-lucky romantic. |
| 15) All 20-something boys who go out with 16-year old girls are arseholes. |
| 16) If mental_donkey sends a long message to someone over MSN, the recipient will always be disconnected before it reaches them. |
| 17) All male manga characters must have spikey hair. |
| 18) If something is in slow-motion, it is cool. |
| 19) Old men don't eat Twix. |
| 20) Platform games must always have an ice world level, where everything is slippery. |
| 21) All shows with female leads are crap. By the same token, all women comediennes are crap. |
| 22) In real life, keys don't always open the door that is the same colour as them. |
| 23) mental_donkey is not allowed to sit down on any of the chairs in his kitchen without one of his flatmates going "Oi! That's my chair, for fuck's sake. Stop stealing everyone's chairs!" |
| 24) People speed up when they see students crossing the road. |
| 25) mental_donkey always forgets something on every train journey he makes. |
| 26) Women are fucking idiots. |