Bringing back the buzz
Once the
honeymoon's over and you settle into the humdrum pattern of everyday life, it's
easy to get bored. Sex might go from something you do because you can't keep
your hands off each other to free entertainment on a Friday night because
there's nothing on TV.
Most of us assume
the sex we enjoy in the first heady days of a relationship is the best we can
expect, and it's all down hill from there. But here's the good news. It can get
better over time rather than worse, and it's easy to put the freshness back. In
fact, if you've been together for some time, it can even become more exciting
and adventurous than early-days sex.
The one big
advantage an established couple has over a new one is the increased level of
trust. This makes it more comfortable to ask for something different and new
that might be embarrassing with a relative stranger.
To keep things
exciting, you'll have to go out of your way to make romantic gestures and
suggest new approaches, but it's worth it. You can put fire and excitement into
an established relationship far more easily than you can put trust into a new
one.
In fact, people who
have affairs often say they're looking for the love and sexual satisfaction
they felt they weren't getting at home. But, according to research, even
couples who said their sex life was unsatisfactory tended to admit it was still
better than extra-marital sex.
Going back to the good bits
The feeling that
the magic is fading is caused by the adrenaline charge wearing off. Sooner or
later it becomes clear which way your shared love-making is going to go, and
the knowledge that you both have a well-worn repertoire of sexual practices
kills expectation and excitement.
One couple I
counselled had exactly this problem. They still loved each other but felt their
sex life had become stale and disappointing. I recommended that they start
again. They realised that all the things they did to each other when they made
love were based on discoveries from the first year or so of their relationship.
Starting over
Each had found
touches, techniques and preferences that the other seemed to enjoy and had
developed a well-worn routine, from first kiss to final hug. But their tastes
had changed. Things they once liked were now boring, and they were ready to try
things they would have been too shy to suggest in the early days.
Practical exercises
The exercises I
asked this couple to try are in our practical exercises section. There are
lots of ideas to help you revitalise your sex life, and tips and techniques to
print out and try.
Definitions of
premature ejaculation have ranged from "coming within six thrusts" to
"coming within two minutes" and even "coming before your
partner". The last one can be particularly misleading if you have a
partner who likes to take up to an hour to reach orgasm!
A simpler
definition is that if you come before you want to and you feel you're not able
to control it, then you're suffering from premature ejaculation (or PE for
short).
Bear in mind that
most men will come sooner than they'd like on some occasions, particularly if
under stress or in situations of very high excitement. However, if you are
unable to control when you come more than 50 per cent of the time, then it
becomes a problem.
Some men may only
suffer from PE when they're having intercourse. Some feel they come too quickly
whatever the stimulation with a partner. Others feel they have little control
even when they're masturbating alone.
The causes
PE sufferers aren't
able to recognise what therapists call the "point of inevitability".
This is a sensation that occurs just a few moments before ejaculation. Men who
don't suffer from PE are able to recognise this sensation and either stop or
change stimulation until the urgency has subsided.
Most commonly, men
who suffer from PE will have had it throughout their sexual life and won't ever
have noticed this "point of inevitability". There are a number of
reasons why this might have happened. It may be that initially, sex was always
rushed or was associated with feelings of guilt or anxiety.
Sometimes men
become quick ejaculators because of partner pressure to "get it over and
done with". Whatever the original cause, the body gets used to responding
quickly and rapid ejaculation becomes the norm.
Very
occasionally, premature ejaculation results from a physical condition such as a
urinary tract or prostate infection
Very occasionally,
premature ejaculation results from a physical condition such as a urinary tract
or prostate infection. Recent research suggests that some men may have a
physiological predisposition in the nervous system to ejaculate quickly. But
for most men, ejaculation will often be quicker in times of stress or ill
health.
There are a number
of things you can do to help yourself to recognise the point of inevitability.
You might choose to practise alone at first, then discuss it with your partner
and ask them to help you overcome this problem. For more on ways to put these
tips into action, see the section on practical exercises.
Getting help
If these self-help
techniques don't help - your GP might suggest a short course of
antidepressants. The latest style SSRI's have the side affect of delaying
ejaculation and may be prescribed purely for that purpose.
If
none of that helps then it may be time to resort to medicine. Herbal
supplements are available to aid with increasing stamina and longevity of the
sexual act, such as Ultimate
Stamina, Herbal
Viagra and VigRX.
What is retarded ejaculation?
Difficulty in
ejaculating is known by doctors as retarded ejaculation. Although men who
suffer from this problem may be fully sexually aroused during sex and enjoying
the stimulation, orgasm seems to take for ever and may not happen at all.
Retarded ejaculation
(RE) can be a very distressing condition. Sufferers can feel embarrassed,
isolated, confused and very frustrated.
Partners often
blame themselves and feel inadequate, which puts even more pressure on the
sufferer to perform and compounds the problem further.
Some men may have
suffered from the condition all their life, in all sexual situations. Some will
have no problem when masturbating alone, but tense up completely with a
partner. Others may only have the problem during intercourse.
Some men suffer from retrograde ejaculation, which is
very different from retarded ejaculation. If you experience the sensation of
orgasm but don't ejaculate, you're probably suffering from this. Instead of the
semen being expelled, it's forced backwards into the bladder. Sufferers will
sometimes notice that their urine is cloudy after orgasm. This condition is
often a result of spinal injury, diabetes, neurological diseases or prostate
surgery. It's important to seek treatment, as retrograde ejaculation can cause
infertility if left untreated.
Physical causes
If you suffer from
retarded ejaculation when you're masturbating as well as with a partner, then
the cause may be physical. Check with your GP if you think any of these may
apply to you:
If you've always masturbated
in exactly the same way, with exactly the same stroke and exactly the same pressure,
your body may not know how to respond to anything different. Intercourse or a
new partner is going to feel different. Try expanding your masturbatory
repertoire. Gradually you should notice your body's increased sensitivity to a
variety of touch.
Psychological blocks
The most common
causes of RE are psychological. For some reason or another, your mind is
blocking out the physical sensations and stopping ejaculation. Your body is
telling you that you're ready - you have an erection to prove it - but your
head may be trying to tell you something else. Possible psychological reasons
include:
For ways to put these tips into action, see the section on practical exercises.
More help
If
none of that helps then it may be time to resort to medicine. Herbal
supplements are available to aid with increasing stamina and longevity of the
sexual act, such as Ultimate
Stamina, Herbal
Viagra and VigRX.
Impotence
Impotence is a common problem, affecting one in ten
men. The Sexual Dysfunction Association outlines
its causes and effects, and the range of treatments available. |
What is impotence?
Impotence or
erectile dysfunction is defined as the inability to achieve or sustain an
erection that's hard enough or lasts long enough to complete sexual intercourse
or another chosen sexual activity. It affects at least one in ten men, which
means there are about 2.3 million sufferers in the UK.
Many men suffer for
years without seeking treatment. This may be because they're too embarrassed to
seek help or they're unaware that there are treatments available.
What causes it?
Most men will
experience an occasional failure to get an erection. This can usually be put
down to stress, tiredness, anxiety or too much alcohol. In these circumstances
it's nothing to worry about.
In the past it was
thought that more frequent impotence was caused by almost entirely
psychological factors, but we now know that physical conditions are present in
about 70 per cent of cases. However, the majority of men with erectile
dysfunction experience a combination of psychological and physical causes.
Physical causes
Men whose impotence
is due to a physical cause often find they gradually lose the ability to have
an erection, and it tends to happen with all sexual activities. These physical
causes may include:
Psychological causes
If you experience a
sudden onset of impotence and can still achieve erections in some circumstances
but not in others, the cause may be psychological. Psychological causes can
include:
Sometimes the
triggering factor can be easily identified, such as an argument or major
disagreement with your partner. Or it might involve being interrupted while
making love or excessive worry about areas such as work, family life or
finances.
Treating impotence
It's important to
remember that over the past few years there have been major advances in the
treatment of impotence and the majority of sufferers can now be treated
effectively.
Discuss the problem
with your partner - a problem shared is a problem halved. For example, it may
be your partner is unintentionally putting pressure on you to
"perform". Discussing the problem with them may relieve this pressure
and enable you to have an erection again.
Look at your
lifestyle. Are you a heavy smoker? Do you drink a lot of alcohol? Do you suffer
from stress and anxiety? Cutting down on your alcohol intake or giving up
smoking could make all the difference. Try to reduce stress and anxiety by
finding ways to relax.
If the problem
persists, see your GP. You could also ask to be referred to a clinic that deals
with sexual dysfunction. You can get a list of your local clinics from the
Sexual Dysfunction Association.
Visiting your
doctor can sometimes be an embarrassing experience. There are alternatives
such as herbal supplements are available to aid with increasing stamina and
longevity of the sexual act, such as Ultimate
Stamina, Herbal
Viagra and VigRX.
Treatments available
In 1953 a
well-known therapist defined it as "an explosive discharge of
neuromuscular tension". There are other definitions, but the word
'tension' comes up in most. Which suggests that when you have sex you deliberately
wind yourself up just so that you can experience the pleasure of returning to
normal afterwards. Bizarre!
What happens in the body?
The technical stuff
that creates all this tension is pretty amazing.
What an orgasm isn't
An orgasm should
never be the objective of sex. You can have a great time with a partner,
feeling aroused, sensual, intimate and loving, and not have an orgasm. Yes, it's
fun - but unless you're trying to get pregnant it shouldn't be your primary
goal.
You can't make
someone have an orgasm. What you can do, besides physically stimulating your
partner, is create a safe, comfortable and caring environment for them in which
an orgasm might happen.
Orgasm is not
limited to the genitals; some people can experience orgasm without their
genitals being touched. Some people describe the sensation as a
"tingle"; for others the feelings go all over the body.
Faking it
Why do some people
- male and female - fake orgasms? Maybe beecause we tend to see orgasm as the
signal to stop sex. If, for some reason, your mind or body doesn't fancy an
orgasm you could be at it forever.
Most people who
fake it do so to please their partner. They feel they're letting them down if
they don't make it. Instead of pretending, try and create a relationship where,
if you're not in the mood or you've lost the momentum, you can say so honestly.
Quality not quantity
We tend to make a
huge fuss about orgasms in our society. Most articles about enhancing your sex
life focus on improving orgasms or having more of them. But the intensity of an
orgasm is not an indication of sexual satisfaction. If you want a good orgasm,
you can do it yourself. If you want a satisfying sexual relationship, you'll
need a lot more.
In psychosexual
therapy, people are told about the 2-6-2 rule. Out of every ten times you have
sex, the chances are that twice it'll be fantastic and mind-blowing, and the
earth will move; six times it'll be nice but nothing special; and twice you'll
wish you hadn't bothered.
Negative messages
As a baby or
toddler, you probably explored your body to find out where you began and ended,
and what felt good. This kind of experimentation usually evolves into
masturbation, but children often receive a puzzling message from parents at
this point. They are discouraged from touching themselves and hands are slapped
away, which tends to leave a feeling that sexual exploration is a thoroughly bad
thing.
It doesn't stop
children doing it, but it may mean that boys masturbate hurriedly and furtively
in order not to be caught out - which may lead to premature ejaculation in
later life. Girls grow up feeling they should never admit to masturbating, let
alone do so in front of a partner.
Lots of scare
stories have grown up around sexual self-exploration over the centuries. People
are told that it makes hair grow on your palms, makes "real" sex
unsatisfying, and that it's only for the sad and desperate. None of these tales
is true, but the overall result of the negative messages around the subject is
that masturbation is seen as a sad activity for desperate people, which
shouldn't be valued or discussed.
Different kinds of touch
Masturbation can be
all the more satisfying if you vary the ways in which you touch yourself.
Choose a time when you can be alone, relaxed and comfortable, and lie back and
run your hands over your body. Try strokes, caresses, nips, pinches and gentle
scratches.
No one is born knowing
how their own body or anyone else's responds to sexual stimulation. You have to
learn by trial and error. And since everyone's different, the only way of
finding out how to please your partner is to learn from them. It's also common
and normal for adults in happy relationships to feel like pleasing themselves
at times.
Taking your time
Concentrate on
areas that particularly excite you, but try not to stimulate only the most
obvious bits. You're likely to bring yourself to orgasm by stimulating your penis
or clitoris, but it will be more arousing, and your climax more satisfying, if
you explore as much of your body as possible.
Try this
Masturbation can
feel so much better if you introduce contrasting sensations. Try stroking
yourself slowly with:
Sharing your discoveries
When you've had a
chance to explore your body and your responses alone, you could think about
sharing your discoveries with your partner. Watching them pleasure themselves
can be arousing, and it's also the best way to learn about what pleases each of
you.
Mutual masturbation
or body rubbing has a variety of advantages. It's safe, with no risk of
pregnancy or infection. Non-penetrative sex also reduces the pressure to
perform. Losing an erection or coming before your partner doesn't have to spell
the end of love-making. All in all, brushing up your masturbation skills can
add a lot to your sex life.