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"Here at 518 we are a bunch of individuals, just like the "Hole in the Wall Gang", Billy the Kid (Cason), Doc Holliday (Gless), Wyatt Earp (Matt), Butch Cassidy (Schrems), The Sundance Kid, (Stevo) and the Madness (Mike).

Tall Tale #18 Timeframe (1997 or 1998) as penned by Gless:

A little bit of background on this one. One of the people we knew before we all lived at 518 Leroy was a guy we all called Doctor Love (or Doc for short). Now Doc was a small guy who hailed from Romania like our pal Dinu. He was short, dressed like an old man, and had a mole the size of a buffalo nickel on his face - but man he could really play the violin.

Anyway, Doc loved two things besides playing violin - freaky porno and gangster rap. I'll have to leave some of the shit he said to us for another story, but suffice to say that I learned a few choice phrases in Romanian when he was around ("Hey, I just fucked Santa Claus in the ass!"). Anyway, one day a bunch of us were sitting in the Kreisher cafeteria having some dinner ( and I use that tem loosely - it was more like getting ass fucked with no lube and putting the seepage on a plate) when Doc walked in.

Now we all knew that the entire BGSU offensive and defensive lines were sitting in a table behind us, but that didn't seem to stop our little eastern European friend.

We all waved and greeted Doc, but no one was prepared for what came next.

"What's up my nigga's" says Doc, like he was Snoop Dog in the middle of South Central. This was as inconspicuous as David Duke marching into an NAACP meeting and asking if anybody had some old sheets and a cross doused in kerosene.

Our eyes all got real big and we could virtually feel every pair of eyes (did I mention most of them were of African decent) from the football table look our way.

"Jesus Doc!, You wanna get us killed you crazy mother fucker!" replied one of us (Dinu I believe).

Somehow we managed to make it out of the cafeteria without these 300 pound behemoths coming over and ripping us limb from limb, but I was never so scared for my safety while living in the dorms as I was for those few minutes.

Tall Tale #17
JAWS Chick at the Summer 518 APT at Campbell Hill
Author: Schrems
Time Period: Summer of 2000

Tall Tale #16 Matty & Schrems Walk in on Stevo and Dog’s Woman authored by Matt: Circa 1999

Tall Tale # 15Matty, Gless & Schrems encounter Dinu’s car, authored by Matt: Circa 1998

Tall Tale # 14 Mikey, Matty and Schrems drink a whole case of Natty Ice behind Rag and Stones place, authored by Matt: Circa 1999

Schrems, Matt, Mike, Chris, Cason and Stevo went to a party prior to their residence at 518. It was this evening that Cason was introduced into the 518 Fraternity. Cason was still in high school but came to visit the campus and his old high school friend, Stevo. The six of us attended the festivitis, partied, drank and were very wasted as many nimble young girls danced around us. As midnight approched the party began to die out and people began to flock out to go to the BG bars. There were two girls on the back porch smoking, Schrems and myself were approached by the two girls who asked us for the time. We responded. Schrems then asked the ladies "Where you girls from?" They replied their hometowns of which I cannot recall and frankly I do not care. The girls then asked Schrems where he was from. Schrems replied and then the girls asked me the same question. Schrems and I exchanged glances, since I am from New York I did not want to explain where I was from or how I came to Bowling Green because it is such a long story. "Mike's from Coventry!" Schrems replied. "Oh really" replied one of the girls. "Yes" I said "I am from Coventry, you know the strip....where the McDonalds is....and the mall...the Coventry mall." "Oh yes" replied one of the girls. "I was just there last weekend." "Yea, that's my hometown, its a pretty cool place, most people don't believe that a white guy like myself can come from Coventry!" The girls giggled and totally believed the story. I personally couldn't believe it and neither could any of the 518 crew. They actually believed that I was from Coventry. Oh the foolishness of drunk girls at Bowling Green State University.

One fine evening at 518 we had a stereotypical 518 party. Present 518 members included; Gless, Mike, Stevo, Schrems, Matt and Cason. Also, present were Kim and Audrey. This party included the usual adult beverages but on this nite things got a little bit more crazy. Gless and Matt invited their friends from "Sunny Mansfield", Ben (Wiggy) and a guy named Andy. Anyways, Andy brought the 518 Legends bottles of liqueur. This was a very bad thing because my memory of this nite is pretty faded. However, I do remember a bottle of 100 proof Southern Comfort, a bottle of Goldshulager, and a another bottle whose contents I cannot recall. However, after several beers the crew of 518 along with Wiggy began to take shots of these wonderful liquids. By 10:30 everybody, was wasted.....no we weren't wasted....we were candidates for alcohol poisoning and we all should have went to Toledo Hospital to have our bodies flushed. Personally I can remember at least 10 shots, maybe 12, maybe more. Hell, everybody was screwed up even Audrey and Kim. Anyways, Matt and Wiggy were the worst off. Remember those three bottles that I mentioned??? Well....all three were empty. Matt being the wise man he is decided to break open a fell fermented bottle of Cutty Sark. Now if you don't know what Cutty Sark is....well.....it is for professional drinkers only!! It is a whiskey that is made for pirates on the high seas and their wenches. Only hardcore drinkers are able to put down Cutty Sark after drinking shot after shot of other stuff. Anyways, Matt asks the group if we all want a shot of Cutty Sark. Wiggy was the only one to volunteer. I can remember, leaning on Gless's shoulder and the two of us shaking our heads as a drunken Matt poured himself and Wiggy a shot of Cutty Sark. Seeing this I walked up to Wiggy as he and Matt made some toast whose words I cannot recall. However, I looked at Wiggy, his eyes glistened by his drunkenness, the shot in his hand was shaking with some of the valuable fluid spillin on the floor. It was obvious that Matt and Ben (Wiggy) could not have another drop of alcohol in their veins so I said "Ben...Matt....you don't want to....." And then both men downed their shots of Cutty Sark. Wiggy in fact looked me right in the eyes as downed his shot of Sark.

After this I went outside for a few moments to hang with Stevo and Cason. After a while I noticed that Matt and Wiggy had not come outside and neither had Gless or Audrey. I was curious as to what occurred so I went back into 518. Seeing Audrey walk out of Matt's room, I asked "Where is Matt?" Audrey replied something to the effect of "He's toast Mike". I looked at Matt's bedroom door, the lights were off and having my doubts I went to the door and opened it. As the light from the kitchen flooded Matt's darkened room my drunk eyes saw Matt on his back, on his bed, spread eagle with his arm hanging off the end of the bed. He looked like the guy in the Godfather who gets shot in the eye....Matt was done for the night.....passed out drunk!! I looked at my watch and noted the time....it was 11:33 pm. I then walked across the hall to Gless's room, which was about two feet away. There I saw Chris standing over his bed, Wiggy was spread eagle, on his stomach with his face buried in Chris pillow. "What the fuck?" I asked Chris. "He's done Mike!" came Gless's reply. "Matts done too!" I exclaimed. "Yea...I know" Chris replied. So thats the legend...at 11:33 pm...Ben and Matt were out for the count....like Apollo in Rocky IV. They were "toast".

I had to wake up early on a Saturday morning, which is unheard of at the 518 palace. I had to get ready and drive back to D-town for a beach volleyball tournament. I woke up, stumbled into the restroom, went to the bathroom, and then jumped into the shower. Nothing was out of the ordinary other than the fact that it was way to early to be up on a Saturday in Bowling Green. I got out of the shower and went the toilet to flush it. I flushed it and I noticed that it wasn’t going down all the way. Next thing I see is this black thing in the toilet. I didn’t have my contacts in so I thought it was remnants of a Gless powerdump. The next thing I notice is the black matter trying to crawl out of the toilet. Just in quick thought, I saw the creature and immediately thought: Rat-Sewer, Sewer-Rat….SEWER RAT! I had never reacted that fast in my life. I stormed out of that bathroom stark naked straight up to Matty’s room and said, “There is a RAT this big in our toilet.” You got to know Matty, but he was sleeping on his back and all he did was raise his head and said “What?” It took some convincing, but I made him get up and check it out with me. By this time, I grabbed some glasses to get a good look myself. The long skinny tail started to fluff out a bit and we both saw a squirrel sitting in our toilet.

Matty grabbed the phone book and started to call some numbers. He thought he called the Humane Society, but the message stated, “If you have vaginal warts, please press 1.” Matty hung up and tried to call a trapper. The number was busy and that’s when we noticed that there was a Greenbriar maintenance man outside of our house. (Greenbriar is the rental company that owned 518. We ran out to him and explained that their was a squirrel in our toilet. It took a lot of convincing for him to believe us, but he finally came in to look at it. He then asked what we wanted him to do about it. To me, that was a very stupid question. We told him to get it out! At first, he was going to hit it over the head with a piece of wood and kill it, but we told him we’d rather not have blood everywhere in the house. Mike (the maintenance man) grabbed some towels and carried him outside and put it under our tree.

The squirrel started to squeal. Matty, the sensitive guy that he is went into the house and got some saltine crackers and tried to feed it. Story has it that the squirrel was back to normal in 2hrs. It was running around the yard and actually just sat on our front porch. When I came back from volleyball, I saw the squirrel in the yard and we then named him “Chester”.

It was a cold autumn night in 2000 at good ‘ol Bowling Green, OH. I had met this girl in my Theatre class who lived in the Offenhauer dorms. To protect the guilty, I’ll use the name…oh screw it…her name was Tara. Tara had invited me to a typical party. By the time I got there, she was hammered. I thought it was pretty funny so I stayed and had a couple of drinks with her. She decided that she wanted to leave so I started walking her back. She had to use the restroom so I took her back to 518 to go. She went and then she came into my room. I wanted to be a gentleman so I offered my bed for her to sleep in because she was about to pass out and quite frankly, I didn’t want to walk her back to Offenhauer because I was drunk and I just didn’t want to. Anywho, she accepted the invitation to stay. She insisted that I also slept in the twin bed with her. She turned over and kissed me, which was very nice. The next thing I know, she is passed out with all of her clothes on (jeans, shirt, and sweater). I changed into shorts and a tee-shirt and proceeded to fall asleep in the bed next to her.

The next thing I remember is waking up soaking wet. I wasn’t sure what caused me to be wet. I actually thought it was hot in my room and I was just sweating profusely. I got up to go to the bathroom and to my surprise, I smelled like urine. Yes, I said urine! I am quite upset at this point. I go into MY room and grab a pair of wind pants, wake Tara up and say “Put these on, you PISSED on my bed!!!” She was totally oblivious to what was going on, at least that’s what I thought. I left the room so she could change and I try to get back in the room and my door is locked. I picked the lock and went in to check on her.

At this point, Stevo and Schrems walk in from closing the bars down. I come out to them and say, “She PISSED in my bed.” The first look at me like I’m crazy and then I explain it to them again. Schrems is quite a curious soul so he decided to take a peek at her. Low and behold, she locked me out again! I pick the lock again and show them. She is passed out with my wind pants on.

I was awake at this time and I started to worry a bit. If she pissed the bed, then will she throw up or get sick too? I called her dorm room and talked to her cousin on the phone. I explained to her cousin what she did and I asked if I should be worried. She stated, “No…she does that all the time.” The next day she was so embarrassed that she left with my wind pants and I still haven’t seen them to this day! I WANT MY PANTS BACK!!!

This is one of the most remembered events of 518 lore, the "Fantastik Chick" story. The 518 Crew threw a party at 518, which was not ground-breaking news. It was also not ground-breaking news that the Giant brought a 'friend' with him. This friend, Fantastik, was drinking her share of booze, even before we started doing lemon drops. Fantastik joined in, having AT LEAST half a dozen shots in the span of 1/2 hour. She happened to mention that she needed to use the bathroom. Schrems, being the gentleman he always is (with camera in hand), escorted her to the bathroom. Stevo saw what was happening and decided to join in the fun. It was at that point Schrems and Stevo (behind closed door) decided to ask her to show us her back side. She obliged and we both got a great eye-ful of this wonderfully proportioned young woman. Meanwhile, Cason is somewhere outside the bathroom mingling with the seemingly hundreds of people he invited to the party. Back in the bathroom, Schrems and Stevo somehow talked Fantastik chick into removing her top. Stevo and Fantastik posed for the camera in front of the now infamous bottle of Fantastik. Schrems took a photo of Stevo, with one hand on Fantastik's breast and the other hand posed with the classic 'thumbs up'. It was not until much later that the 518 Crew learned of Fantastik's age....16. When the photos were finally developed, Stevo insisted that Schrems destroy the evidence (an act in which Stevo STILL can not believe). Schrems still maintains that the photos were destroyed and we have no evidence of this famous 518 incident

At another 518 party, Stevo was 'getting along' with a very toasted friend of his from D-town. This friend had a boyfriend whom no one was particularly fond of. This 'friend' insisted Stevo take her to the bathroom. Then all hell broke loose. There was a lot of making out in the bathroom much to the dismay of the growing line of people needing to use the toilet (sorry guys). Stevo and his friend decided to move the party upstairs to his bedroom, which at the time, he shared with Maverick (who of course was off somewhere not enjoying the festivities). Stevo managed to get her top off and approximately 30 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Not needing a reason to lock the door prior to this encounter, Stevo thought he had secured the premises. Because of the fine craftsmanship of a Greenbriar-owned property, Stevo didn't know that you needed to push the lock in before closing the door, NOT after. The knock on the door was Matty and Schrems, who then decided to take a peek at what was going on. Like a classic Three Stooges scene, Matty and Schrems' heads were diretly on top of each other. Schrems left the scene immediately but Matty stayed, like a deer in the headlights of an on-coming car. 5-10 seconds went by and Matty finally realized what he was doing and slammed the door shut. The next day, 518 received a message from the boyfriend. Stevo's friend had told her boyfriend about the situation and he decided to take matters into his own hands. The message went something like this: "Yo, dog, this is not cool, dog. If I ever see you, dog, you better be on the other side of the street, dog." Thus, "Dog Guy" (see 'People We Know') was born.

Stevo has always had a keen sense at parties. He always seems to yell something during that very awkward time at a party when no one is talking - 1-2 seconds of complete silence. Some examples: Stevo and Schrems are at a Sarah Clinehens party. This is the first party Stevo has been to with Sarah, and he is trying to make a good impression. At one point (in between air guitar numbers) Stevo yells out (as the crowd is hushed), "I AM NOT GAY!!!!" A half-hour later, the music again dies, and he yells out, "I'VE GOT BEER GAS!!!!" Incident #2 (One of Stevo's proudest and most embarassing moments): Most of the 518 Crew is at a U2 concert in Cleveland. For some reason, everyone in our section got quiet. At that same moment, Stevo yelled, "PLAY PERSONAL JESUS!!!" At least 1,000 eyes turned around to get a glimpse of the A-hole who just yelled out for U2 to play a Depeche Mode tune. There are many more of these times when Stevo opened his mouth at the most inappropriate moment, way too many to recount here.

The Giant invited us to a party of some friends of his who lived in an apartment complex adjacent to 518. Again, many beverages were consumed before and during the party. Stevo and Matty were in line for the bathroom, and they both decided to share it. Matty, always shy about being in the bathroom with other people did not want to 'cross streams'. Stevo, realizing that you should not mess with Mother Nature when it comes to urinating, decided to use the bathtub as a toilet. Normally, this would not be cause for concern, but what would a 518 Tall Tale be without a twist? The bathtub/urinal contained a shitload of ice and approximately 75-100 cans of beer. Stevo then approached Cason and said, "We gotta go. Now." Of course nothing was said to any of the party go-ers, who all got a surprise when they went for a refill

Who the hell is on my phone? This is a short tall tale, not much of a story but a good one nevertheless. We are having a party at 518 and Cason invited everybody he knew who invited everybody they knew and so forth. It is the fall of 2000 and so the house is fuckin packed with girls for us straight guys and sausage for you Eli's out there. I walk into the house to get a beer and the guy, who i don't know, is running the keg and refuses to give me one...."House beer" I say....he then ignores me... "Hey pal, I pay 25% of the rent for this fuckin dump, i paid for part of that keg your guzzling, please refill my beer.....sir" I added sir because he was a fairly large man who could have beaten my ass. He then proceeds to fill my beer. As I turn I look into the 518 living room and it is packed to the hilt but there are 3 girls sitting by the phone. Lo and behold one of them...who I don't know is using my phone...I pay 25% of the rent around here and 25% of the phone bill I think to myself....where the hell is Cason....who the fuck are these fuckin people???.....I look over at the food shelf and there are people....who I don't know eating my fucking food!!!!! I pay 100% of my own food bill around here I thought to myself. So I find Cason...."Cason who the hell are these people??" Cason was in the deep state of intoxication at that moment and so nicely replied...."I have no fuckin clue Mikey!" And you know something.....neither did anybody else!!!!!

February/March 1999 - It was a blustery cold evening in Bowling Green and Stevo, Schrems, Gless and Mav decided to take in the sights and sounds of downtown BG - from the comfort of a bar stool. Much drinking (except by Mav) and some very low quality pool ensued. As we were all still living on campus (with the exception of Schrems who had a studio apartment) we had taken the shuttle from Batchelder to Founders across campus in order not to face the frigid weather on our tender man regions. On returning from our night of heavy drinking, after the obligatory Taco Bell stop, we headed to Founders to catch the shuttle back. Schrems, being a bit sleepy (and totally smashed) decided to recline on the floor with his left leg propped up on the heater nearby. After a short while (which may have been the better part of an hour for all we knew) Schrems directed a question to Gless. "Gless," he inquired somewhat nervously, "where is my left leg?" "You mean the one you have propped up on the heater?" I responded "Oh, good. I thought I lost it" replied a much relieved Schrems

Matt, Schrems, Gless, Mike, and Stevo are at the library checking email and downloading nudies. Before we left 518 an hour before Matt's car was sitting in 518's parking lot. (That is a key point to remember to this Tall Tale.) After checking email the four of us venture out of the BGSU library and head into the parking lot to Gless's car. As we are walking I hear Chris say "Matt, isn't that your car!!" Matt turned and replied "Hey that is my car!!" We all turn and look at this car....which was Matt's fucking car sitting in the library's parking lot. Was it stolen? Did the starship Enterprise beam his car to this location??? The four of us had no freakin clue. Matt left the keys at the house so we had no way of bringing the car back with us. As we were standing there pondering what action to take one of us (I forget who) notices Maverick walking down the sidewalk in his ROTC uniform. "Hey guyzzzzzz.....sorry Matt I had to borrow your car because we had a last minute ROTC meeting and it was so hot outside I didn't feel like walking here." And so ends another 518 Tall Tale and Maverick finding a way to take what wasn't his....without permission. God we miss you Maverick.

Subject: Matty/Schrems Get Cited For Open Container By The BG Police

Who: Matty/Schrems along with Terri Terri Terri ( who was drunk and
flashing people on the way home).

What: Drinking on the street in full view of the authorities, who were hiding in the dark unbeknownst to them, while walking from Schrems's apartment to the bars downtown.

When: Circa 11:00 PM, Saturday night.

Where: Somewhere on Clough St. between Mercer Rd. and Thurstin Ave.

Why: Because, Schrems is Schrems, and Matty is Matty.

Basically, the 3 of them were walking down the street. Matty with a beer in hand and Schrems with a Seagram's Wildberry wine cooler in hand, yes folks, a wine cooler. Terri had one left over so Schrems decided to drink that apparently. Terri was the smart one who decided not drink on the streets of Bowling Green. About a third of the way there, all hell broke loose. Unmarked cop cars came out of knowhere, almost like they descended from the trees above. Schrems recalls the situation catching his attention because one cop car came close to running over his penis. They slammed on the brakes and jumped out flashing there badges screaming, "put down the beverage and show me your ID, now."

Before Matty/Schrems knew what the hell was going on, Terri Terri Terri who was obviously experienced in situations like these, already had her ID out because she knew what was happening. So, once Matty/Schrems saw this, they new something was wrong. Matty was contemplating ditching his law violation by tossing it into the woods, and Schrems was so amazed because he swears those cop cars descended from the trees out of knowhere like Apache helicopters clearing a path for the front line. Matty insisted to Schrems that he could've disposed of his open container before the cops busted them (he had maybe 2 seconds to do this, out in the open), but he didn't. Schrems was too toast and confused to even think to think of considering that. Schrems was grateful because you need more than one future 518 member in the police blotter at the same time, anything else is just molestation of a 16 year old girl (future 518 tall tale). Schrems was tossed into the back of the squad car because BG's finest thought they had him for not only open container, but underage consumption. Schrems had been 21 for a few months at this time. Matty was trying to talk to the officers, Terri Terri Terri was just like, let's go already. It did take some time because the cops thought Schrems was underage as stated before, but his license said otherwise. So then they checked his background out to determine if his license was a fake or not, and a lot of other shit that was a waste of time, just like cops are.

Finally, with citation in hand, they moved on, to the bars, to drown their sorrows, and show off their tickets. After all the havoc was reeked, Matty showed his commanding office, Major Fork (now a retired Captain), the BG Police Blotter, where Matty/Schrems were publically announced for being busted with an open container. Well, Fork could not contain his laughter when he read the part about Schrems getting busted with a wine cooler. Yes, the paper mentioned that. One additional note, on the way home, Terri Terri Terri was feeling more better than when she left her future husbands apartment, she was flashing her boobies to strangers. She was also flashing her boobies to Schrems, which was normal, and to Matty, which was not normal. The end of another great 518 tall tale. Begin your calculations for warp and fire all of our weapons at once - including the toxic biproduct fumes from a Gless Taco Bell Powerdump (another future 518 tall tale).

Imagine two of our favorite 518 team members Matt Obrian and Daniel Charles Schrembeck II working at McDonalds on Wooster Street in Bowling Green. Our two illustrious gentlemen are about to finish their shift after a hard day of working with grease and a gay guy named Eli. After a hard time cleaning the grill and other cooking implements a customer comes through the drive thru and asks for a cheeseburger with "NO ONIONS". Schrembeck, after a afternoon shift of dealing with asshole customers who fail to realize that McDonalds is fast food restaurant where you get what you get and like it and not freakin Olive Garden where a customer can "design his or her own meal". Schrems decides to "take care of the customer". Through this one of our favorite 518 Tall Tales is born. To make a long story short Schrembeck fixes the cheeseburger with the stereotypical McDonalds fixins. He then takes a huge handful of onions, MORE than any burger could ever hold and tosses them onto the cheeseburger. Meanwhile, Matt tells Schrembeck that the customer will most likely send the sandwich back with a big time complaint. Schrembeck replies "They won't send it back, just watch". The customer took the burger, drove off and to this day it is not known if that individual enjoyed a burger with triple the amount of onions on it when they desired no onions at all. 518 history was made in that moment. Fire!!!! This story is freakin hilarious!! NOTE: Schrems also once served food that he took out of the garbage...but you have to ask him about it!

Name	Number of Tall Tales Written
Mike	5
Stevo	4
Matt	3
Cason	2
Schrems	Multiple
Gless	1

Schrems, Kelly, and Skinny Mike roam BG, run into a chick who's old friends with Schrems and Matty, and convince her that Kelly is Matty - she gets topless too...

Timmy D makes out with Army Chick on the bottom steps of the Campbell Hill Summer A P T