Here at 518 we love Seinfeld. Who wouldn't love Kramer visiting Jerry in his bedroom at 4 am.  I gathered some classic quotes from the show.  Sound files can be found on the Sounds of 518 page

"Jerry, look how tense you are. You need to take a soak." (Kramer)
"I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria vat you got goin' there." (Jerry)
"Come on, I'm telling you, it's great. I opened up all the windows. The air is cold, the tub is boiling hot. It's like Sweden, man. Sweden!" (Kramer)
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Hot Tub"

"Serenity now! Serenity now!"
"What is that?"
"The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'serenity now!'"
"Are you supposed to yell it?"
"The man on the tape wasn't specific."
- Frank and George, in "The Serenity Now"

"If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Shower Head

"I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!" (Kramer)
"No good?" (Jerry)
"It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me." (Kramer)
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Shower Head"

"She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Library"

"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"

"You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"

"I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
- George, in "The Stranded"

"What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?"
"It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class."
- George and Jerry, in "The Deal"

To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Abstinence"

"I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other, you care about each other. It's wonderful. Plus, I love saying 'my wife'. Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. 'My wife' this, 'My wife' that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"

"If it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books."
- George, in "The Bookstore"

Jerry, it's L.A.! Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore!"
- Kramer, in "The Finale"

Jerry, it's L.A.! Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore!"
- Kramer, in "The Finale"

"Why would we want to help somebody? That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for."
- George, in "The Finale"

Sidra: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.
Jerry: What?
Chiles: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.

-Jackie and Sidra in "The Finale"

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