The Sailor Senshi interview Andy Heyward, the director of the American version of Sailor Moon, the TV show hideously mutated from Japanese anime to North American disaster. BRATTY AMERICAN KIDS: Fighting evil by moonlight... [SAILOR MOON walks into the recording studio] SAILOR MOON: Hey! What happened to Moonlight Densetsu? ANDY HEYWARD: We had to 'americanize' the lyrics. See, the average American kid doesn't understand the meaning of half the lyrics. SAILOR MOON: So? You're making a mockery of my TV show! Stop it at once! Tsukini kawatte, OSHIOKYO! ANDY HEYWARD: You mean, "For love and justice, I'm Sailor Moon! I punish bad guys, and that means you! SAILOR MOON: What have you done to my show?! [cries] [From somewhere obscure, a MYSTERIOUS VOICE emerges] MYSTERIOUS VOICE: And what about us?! [SAILOR MOON and ANDY HEYWARD look toward the voice, and there stands four figures. They step out of the shadows and they are none other than the OUTER SENSHI] SAILOR URANUS: You're not going to include us in your show, are you? SAILOR NEPTUNE: I certainly hope not. My voice is high enough as it is. SAILOR PLUTO: It's too late for me. I'm ruined! SAILOR SATURN: Ha, ha! Sucker! Oh, wait. This is probably going to happen to me, too. ANDY HEYWARD: We have to wait for SOS to whine their heads off before we even start considering to dub the rest of the Sailor Moon anime. SAILOR NEPTUNE: You'd better not change our names! I couldn't stand some American name. ANDY HEYWARD: How does 'Michelle' sound? SAILOR NEPTUNE: Pheh. ANDY HEYWARD: And I was also thinking... Haruka would be Alex, Setsuna would be Susan, and Hotaru would be Heather! [SAILOR SATURN takes her glaive and points it at ANDY HEYWARD's throat.] SAILOR SATURN: You do, you die. ANDY HEYWARD: Well, you're too late. Just look on some Sailor Moon site on the Internet. They've already begun to call you those names! SAILOR URANUS: [drawing her Space Sword] You're dead meat. ANDY HEYWARD: Now, now. Let's not get violent. SAILOR URANUS: Why not? You can't kill a bad guy without violence. DUH! ANDY HEYWARD: As a quote from Sailor Moon Says, "There are other ways to settle arguments, like talking it out." [OUTER SENSHI all facefault] SAILOR NEPTUNE: Sailor Moon _WHAT?_ ANDY HEYWARD: Sailor Moon Says. SAILOR SATURN: What _is_ it? SAILOR MOON: They make me say all sorts of preachy moralistic stuff to the kids. ANDY HEYWARD: It gives us better ratings. SAILOR MOON: No it doesn't. You just think it does. [The INNER SENSHI arrive] ANDY HEYWARD: Look, here come Amy, Raye, Lita and Mina! [The INNER SENSHI glance behind them] SAILOR JUPITER: Who? SAILOR VENUS: He said Amy, Raye, Lita and Mina. Whoever they are. ANDY HEYWARD: No, no. That's you. SAILOR MARS: WHAT?! ANDY HEYWARD: Well, actually, we didn't change your name much, we just Americanized the spelling. SAILOR MERCURY: You said Amy, right? Well, for your information, it's AMI. ANDY HEYWARD: We had to Americanize your name too. It's Amy now. [All the SENSHI get sweatdrops] SAILOR JUPITER: What about me? ANDY HEYWARD: You're Lita. SAILOR JUPITER: What happened to Makoto or Mako-chan? ANDY HEYWARD: Doesn't sound American enough. [ALL the SENSHI facefault] SAILOR VENUS: Let me guess, you had to knock the 'ko' off Minako to make Mina? ANDY HEYWARD: Yep. You guessed it. SAILOR VENUS: [sarcastically] Boy, you're original. SAILOR MOON: What have you done to us? ANDY HEYWARD: Oh, yeah. I changed your name, too! You're Serena. SAILOR MOON: Serena??? Where do you dig these names up from?!?!? ANDY HEYWARD: I dunno. I think I was drunk when I made them up. [SAILOR CHIBI MOON enters] ANDY HEYWARD: Oh, hi, Reeny. SAILOR CHIBI MOON: Who? SAILOR MOON: According to him, you're Reeny. SAILOR CHIBI MOON: I am? ANDY HEYWARD: Yes. SAILOR CHIBI MOON: You suck at making up names. ANDY HEYWARD: What are you doing in a sailor suit, Reeny? SAILOR CHIBI MOON: I'm Sailor Chibi Moon, dumbass. And don't call me Reeny. ANDY HEYWARD: What do you want, Reeny? SAILOR CHIBI MOON: First of all, a better sounding name. Second, I want to warn you that if you call me Sailor Little Moon or Sailor Moon petite or something brainless like that instead of Sailor Chibi Moon, you'll be sorry. ANDY HEYWARD: But I like the idea of Sailor Little Moon! SAILOR CHIBI MOON: My name is CHIBIUSA! C-H-I-B-I-U-S-A!! ANDY HEYWARD: Okay, Reen- or- Chibiusa. SAILOR CHIBI MOON: Fine. But don't call me Reeny. [SAILOR CHIBI MOON storms out] SAILOR MOON: Good job. You pissed her off. ANDY HEYWARD: Oh. SAILOR MOON: You're pissing us all off. ANDY HEYWARD: Oh. [Suddenly, a rose smacks into ANDY HEYWARD. SAILOR MOON looks up] SAILOR MOON: Tuxedo Kamen-sama! ANDY HEYWARD: Who? SAILOR MOON: Tuxedo Kamen. ANDY HEYWARD: Tuxedo who? Oh, you mean Tuxedo Mask! [TUXEDO KAMEN smacks ANDY HEYWARD with his cane] TUXEDO KAMEN: No, Tuxedo KAMEN. ANDY HEYWARD: Ouch. [QUEEN BERYL, JADEITE, NEPHRITE, ZOICITE and KUNZITE enter] ANDY HEYWARD: Oh, no, it's the Negaverse! [QUEEN BERYL, JADEITE, NEPHRITE, ZOICITE and KUNZITE look behind them] NEPHRITE: Who? ANDY HEYWARD: What are you doing here? Aren't you planning to steal energy from innocent human beings? QUEEN BERYL: Actually, we came to bitch to you about the shoddy job you did on Sailor Moon. [The SAILOR SENSHI giggle in the background] ZOICITE: Why did you change me to a woman? And why did you give me such an ANNOYING LAUGH??? ANDY HEYWARD: It wasn't my idea. KUNZITE: [sarcastically] Right. Sure it wasn't. JADEITE: And why didn't you keep the spellings the same? My name's spelled J-A-D-E-I-T-E, not J-E-D-I-T-E. NEPHRITE: Yeah, and I've never heard of a rock called Neflyte. ANDY HEYWARD: Your names are rocks?? QUEEN BERYL: DUH! You don't catch on very fast, do you? KUNZITE: Let's blow this joint. YOU SUCK, HEYWARD! [QUEEN BERYL, JADEITE, NEPHRITE, ZOICITE and KUNZITE exit] SAILOR MOON: Good job. You even manage to piss off the bad guys. Did you know that our names are planets, or did you miss that, too? ANDY HEYWARD: OKAY, OKAY! You can stop it now!! [LUNA, ARTEMIS, SAILOR CHIBI MOON and DIANA appear, accompanied by COOAN, BERUCHE, PETZ, CALAVERAS, WISE MAN, RUBEUS, PRINCE DIAMONDO, ESMERAUDE and SAFFIR] SAILOR MOON: Hi Luna! SAILOR VENUS: Artemis! LUNA and ARTEMIS: Hi everyone! ANDY HEYWARD: Why are you here? Who's the purple cat? Oh, look! It's the Negamoon! [LUNA, ARTEMIS, SAILOR CHIBI MOON, DIANA, COOAN, BERUCHE, PETZ, CALAVERAS, WISE MAN, RUBEUS, PRINCE DIAMONDO, ESMERAUDE and Saffir look behind them] CALAVERAS: Who? [ANDY HEYWARD smacks his forhead and lets out the oh-so-Homer-Simpson-ish "D'OH!!"] SAILOR MOON: He's been doing this all day. LUNA: *SIGH* Why do we put up with him? He gave me the worst voice. I'm a cat, but I sound like a British grandmother. ARTEMIS: Let's get him! [Suddenly, everyone, including the BLACK MOON, SENSHI, and CATS, lunges toward ANDY HEYWARD and dissolve into a dust cloud. Suddenly, SAILOR CHIBI MOON yells at everyone to stop] SAILOR CHIBI MOON: STOP!!! [The dust finally settles, with the SENSHI holding on to ANDY HEYWARD] SAILOR CHIBI MOON: Let's resolve this in a more organized manner. LUNA-P, Grenade Launcher with extra ammunition!! [SAILOR CHIBI MOON hurls her LUNA-P into the air, as it turns into a grenade launcher. A few grenades fall down with it, and SAILOR CHIBI MOON catches the launcher. She holds it toward ANDY HEYWARD] SAILOR CHIBI MOON: Everybody, take cover! Except for Heyward. Stay where you are. ANDY HEYWARD: What? Why? [By the time he's finished his two questions, the other SENSHI, CATS, and BLACK MOON have taken cover behind expensive studio equipment, and ANDY HEYWARD doesn't notice the grenades before they're hurled toward him, and..] SAILOR CHIBI MOON: Oh, crap. I guess I should have pulled the pins first...