Diary of George
Part II
(Part I at geocities.com/melisasmithus)
September 9
I found this book that Fly Away Home was based on. About the fathergoose who built the airplane and taught the geese to migrate. He didnt have a daughter really who was the goosegirl and her mother didnt get killed. I can see why they did that in the movie because it makes it more emotional. I sobbed till I was like hiccuping. And Anna Paquin is a good actress although she looked about 10 instead of 13. Mom wouldnt let me see the Piano but I saw it over at Amys. It was good until the end where Holly Hunter should have just drowned. I read that in Europe they just let her drown but AMericans cant stand to see people die at the end so they changed it. That totally figures. I think guys used to be different because in that fathergoose book the guy who built the airplane is so interesting. He was always building stuff and he found this old what do call em blacksmith shop and just took it over and started making stuff. He made his own sculpture and his own engines for the airplane and this pregnant lady out of metal and this house that looked like a wasp nest (which was pretty crazy). He fought against this airport and when he was young he left home and sailed to England by himself when he was 17. Guys dont do that anymore. They think there real rebels if they wear black and listen to alt music. Girls too. Nobody ever does anything anymore.
September 10
We got back our testscores today. I thought everyone was going to score high you know but everybody thought it was really hard. I asked Amy what she scored and she said 107. And I asked DiDi what she scored and she said 111. And I asked some guys too just to see. Like Charlie Thompson he scored 109. And Jeffrey scored 94, but hes I dope we knew that. And I asked Terry Lansing, who I thought would say like 200, but only 122. I didnt tell anyone what I scored.
September 11
Mrs. Coulson, the sophomore counselor called me in today. She asked if I told my parents about my test and I said no. She said I was very gifted and that there were opportunities. I didnt want to talk about it. It will make everything worse. I thought I was a smartass but I thought I was just funny. Like my writing stinks. And my grades are good but not great. I told her that the score was not right. It should be about 120. Maybe 130, maybe. She said that was part of what she wanted to talk about. She said there was a test that took like three days that was more accurate, and that would tell us more. I dont want to take it but I guess I have to. If the scores are lower at least I wont have all this hanging over me. I asked Mrs. Coulson not to call my parents until I took that new test and she said OK.
September 12
I told Eliot I was thinking of like screwing up that test on purpose, and he got all mad and said why this is my chance to skip ahead and blow the hell out of there. I said I didnt think so. Once my parents find out Ill have to do all this new stuff and wont have time to see him as much. I still havent told him my score, just that it was the highest at school.
September 14
Eliot is really brainy, too, he scored like 700s on his SAT. Thats how he got into Mt. Spencer. So I asked him if he ever took this test. And he said he took the Stanford-Binet which is similar I think and he said he scored 133. But that was in California when he was like 9. Maybe he would score higher now. I finally told him what I scored and all he said was, Oh. Thats why I dont want my parents to find out or anyone because people already dont like me too much because I talk too much but now they really wont like me. They will be all impressed at first probably but then they will go away.
September 19
When I got back to school today everybody was like where were you and I told them I had mono. They were glad it only lasted three days, they said. I couldnt tell them about the test, because hopefully I only scored about 120 or 130 this time and no big deal. Its over. AMy is really suspicious since Eliot and since I dont do slumber parties anymore with her and DiDi. Di has a new boyfriend, this guy Kevin Roylston who looks just like that NSync boy Putzy or Fizzy or whoever. He probably scored about 80. But his hair is pretty and he plays the guitar, so you know.
September 20
I forgot that the 17 was our anniversary Kitty!
September 21
I havent said anything but Im at day 40 and no period. Thats just what I need right now. I get the IQ test thing back this week from Mrs. Coulson, and now Im preggy.
September 23
Day 42. Maybe I just skipped.
September 25
I scored even higher and now I dont know what to do. If I dont get my period Im going to blow.
September 26
Eliot said hes not worried, but I should get a Ptest at the grocery store and clam down. I cant stand to buy those things though. (I meant to write calm down but I kind of like clam down.)
September 27
Di's sister got me a test, but now Di knows. I didnt tell her about Eliot. I told her it was a freshman at Taft named Paul. Shes all curious and I told her not to tell Amy. Anyway the test was negative and I feel a little better but tests can be wrong.
October 1
Mrs. Coulson told my parents and now they think Im a freak, they have proof. My Mom pretends to be all excited but she's scared of me now I think. She's saying all this stupid stuff and she thinks I will score big on the PSAT now and get into Harvard but Mrs. Coulson told her the tests were very different and I might not do as well there because that tests what you know, and my vocabualry sucks although Im not bad at math. But my Mom of course says that anyone who can score 160 something can study for the PSAT and shes making me take that class after school and all this shit is coming down like I knew it would, I should have flagged that second test.
October 4
I skipped the PSAT thing again and went to Eliots but hes acting weird too. He keeps being all snitty. He calls me Marilyn. Dear Marilyn (like vos Savant). It was funny at first, but he does it too much. Fianlly I told him to be glad I didnt try to ace that second test or hed feel like a real moron. That was a bad bad thing to say, but he wouldnt shut up and was making me mad. He told me I was a bitch and to just fuck off. SO I did.
October 7
I finally got my period and Im so happy about that, you cant even believe. Part of what was making me and Eliot mad at eachother is we werent doing it. But I havent seen him since the fight and now that Im safe we dont see eachother. The timing sucks. I wrote him and told him we need to time our fights better but he never left a note on the door in green to say I should come back. That is our message.
October 8
Di told Amy about "Paul" so I had to answer a bunch of questions. They said they knew I had a boyfriend, why didnt I tell them. I said I dont know, I was shy about it because he was my first. Like Im shy. I had a fight with Di because I told her not to tell Amy. I think Amy must have another girl because it wasnt that bad. She didnt say she missed me or get all jealous. Plus Ive seen her with this girl who is a junior named Kelly McMeans who is a kind of a whale but maybe shes nice. She looks like pink teletubby in jeans.
October 9
They had my name on the announcements even though I asked them not to. They thought I was just being modest, but Im not modest. Everybody looked at me like an alien from Pluto, except Terry Lansing who asked me for a date. I told him I had to study for MENSA. He thought I was serious.
October 14
Ive been going to those PSAT things since I cant see Eliot anyway (still fighting). Usually I just read a magazine though. I can tell Mom I was there. Ive been reading Teen. I may paint my fingernails.
October 15
I painted them but they looked stupid so I took it off. Benzene stinks like shit. I can see why Di just lets it wear off.
October 17
Me and Di went to that hottub but there were these guys there. I guess in the summer its not so crowded. We parked in front of this superrich house with lots of grass and no streetlight. The guy probably couldnt even see from his window to the street there was so much lawn. We figured we would be safe and no one would notice there. She's not as good as Eliot but I was lonely after two weeks of him being a big baby. And I like her. She doesnt care if Im supposedly smart.
October 21
We took the PSAT and I bombed. I did good on the math but shitty on the verbal and they count that twice so Tery Lansing scored higher than me and about ten other people. I scored 48/70=166 and Terry Lansing scored 58/60=176 and some guy I dont know from Henniger (JHS) scored 60/61=181. That was higher than almost all the juniors! One junior scored 75/69=219. Bobby Turner scored 37/80. That figures. Geek of the week deluxe.
October 23
Mrs. Coulson says that I should reconsider what I wrote on my form when I said I wanted to be a writer. She said all my tests like IQ, PSAT and that test where they do the bar graph that tells you what your interests are indicate I am a shitty writer, not to mention my writing. She didnt say that, but that was it. Mrs. Baines, who doesnt like me like Mrs. Lattimer did, doesnt want me in honors english. She says I should be in regular english. I said thanks for your advice, now bite me. Not really. I could write like she wants but I dont want to. She said, she doesnt think so. So I wrote this thing on Plath that sounds just like George Eliot, all snappy and preppy, and turned it in with Sheila Rushings name on it for the paper contest.
October 24
I wrote Eliot another note saying some nice things and funny things and I told him I bombed the PSAT. But if I dont hear from him soon, fuck him. Hes not acting very mature for someone who is supposed to be the older one.
November 7
Finally I got a green note from Eliot and I knocked and he was there. We talked for a while but not very long. He asked about my period and I said I just had it two days ago and so we played for about two hours. I was very happy until I got home and I started thinking that it was quite a coincidence that he waits until the week of my period to leave me the green note so that we can have sex.
November 8
I asked Eliot about it and he tried to deny it but Im not stupid. So we had another fight and I said if he didnt like me we shouldnt be together. He said he liked me. I said I mean something besides my ass. And he said I was too high maintenance. And I said, yah he spends a lot on me. He said my personality is a problem. Im too boyish and I talk too much and I wont just relax. Meaning I wont just let him be delightful. I told him for a supposedly grown man he was a big baby. I said maybe I needed a 30 year old, someone who wasnt scared by a smart girl. He said maybe. Then, 'You can leave now.' I felt like crying, but hes such a bastard.
November 18
I stayed home four days last week. I cried practically all day every day. Mom thought I was pregnant. I had to do a Ptest for her, which was like totally embarassing but she said either that or we'll go to the doctor and get one there. Once i was neg she kind of felt sorry for me, now that she wasnt mad. So I got chicken soup and McD's and 7up. I even watched Nickelodeon for about 100 hours. Then I went to school today and Sheila Rushing is in trouble for entering two things in that paper contest. One of them won at first, but then she got disqualified. Teachers pet suicidal. News at ten.
November 19
I went to Mrs. Baines and I said which one of Sheilas papers won, like what was the first sentence. And she looked at me kind of strange and then pulled the paper out of a pile and goes "Blah, blah." And I said, I bet I can tell you what the last sentence is, "Blah, blah; and blah." And I got in big big trouble. Major honkin trouble. Mrs. Baines doesnt have much of a sense of humor. The thing is they thought Sheila lifted it from some author, and now they are sure I did. So they dont see my original point which was that I could write if I want to. They think I can lift if I want to. I said thanks for trusting me until you have proof. And there like, we should trust someone who lies and cheats? And I go, hey I didnt let Sheila take the rap, I talked. I was just trying to make a point. The thing is you cant make a point with "grownups." If you get them, make them look like boneheads they just get mad and put the old power moves on you.
November 20
I think my computer is eating my journal. At least I can have a laptap in DHall. Everytime I go back and read parts of it it seems parts are missing. Like I remember saying something but I dont remember what. Its probably not true but it would suck if it was. What if your whole life was really like that? Ooo. Spooky.
November 21
All I ever eat is spagetti. I think I am going to turn into a noodle.
November 22
Jennifer Smitters got run over on Friday and now we cant leave campus for lunch anymore. Not even if you have a note, like to go home for lunch across the street. Gregory Young lives across the street and he cant go home. I think they should make a rule where you cant ever leave campus because its too dangerous. We should like bring cots and sleep in the gym. And forget going outside for tennis or football. You could get hit by an asteroid and die and then youve got a lawsuit.
November 23
Still in DHall. By the way I didnt win the contest because they disqualified me for putting someone elses name on it and for plagiarism. I told them it wasnt plagiarism and I was just giving Sheila a gift, because she has such a winning personality. I got an extra week in DHall for that.
November 28
We went to Grandmothers for Thanksgiving. Im surprised she didnt have a special room for DHall set up for me. She said she always knew I was smart I was just like uncle Charles who worked for GE. And Im like yah it takes a lot of smarts to sell lightbulbs when there like the only ones on the shelves. I didnt say that really. Grandma gets all her information from Readers Digest. Her vocab is better than mine, though. We took one of those little tests in Readers Digest.
November 29
I went to Pizza Palace with Terry Lansing. He talked a lot about the PSAT for next year. Hes all fired up about breaking 200. He has this tick or something with his right eye.
November 30
Charlie Thompson invited me to his saxophone recital. Hes very good. With the jazz band. Hes first chair A band and hes only a sophomore. I said OK.
December 2
Bryan Morris said if I was so tough why did I dress like a hippy? He said I should warn guys about me by looking a certain way, he didnt say that but thats what he meant. He said girls like me shouldn't wear flower dresses and have long hair. I said why. He said because it gives the wrong impression. I said like the impression Im sweet and tasty. And he said yah basically. He said I dont even wear Docs. I told him I was sorry for being so confusing to him but that I didnt dress as a boy signal. I wear sandals because I like them. I think girls with short bleached hair look ugly and girls with black makeup and tattoos and lip rings and eyebrow rings ditto and they could all fuck off. I told Bryan Morris he should get rid of those chains which made him look like a gayboy motorcycle cop and he said they all called me Jan Brady, and I said good as long as they dont call me.
December 3
Im fifteen today Kitty! Di got me this little tiny Badzu that is so cute, but then Roy got him in his mouth for a second but I saved him. And Amy got me a miniature set of Beatrix Potter, just Peter and Benjamin and Ginger and Pickles and Mrs. Tiggy Winkle. Except it has this big honkin price tag on the bottom with the SKU number bigger than Mrs. Rabbit. I hate that shit. She also got me a bracelet and a candle but I hate scented candles they make me puke. I didnt tell her that but as soon as she left I threw it away in the dumpster so I didnt have to smell it in the trash even. Vanilla is the worst. It smells like guys cars who smoke. Mom and Dad got me DSL so I can learn vocab at the speed of light. I told her I didnt want it but I got it anyway. Its good but I feel like a princess. All I need is a nose job.
December 4
I found a present from Eliot like on my windowsill, on the side of the house. I opened the blinds and there it was. It was probably there yesterday too, but I never opened that one yesterday. It was a poem and Ghirardelli and baby marshmellows and a green note with an apology and it said PS he knows all my favorite things. Its been almost a month since I saw him and I thought it was over for good. He was pretty mean but I missed him bad. And I was mean too. So I went over there and we talked for a long time. He said he was wrong to let his ego get in our way. And I said me too. We're both very egotistical. He said my test threw him for a loop but that he is over it and can deal. I said I would try to be more calm and not so brassy. He used that word first but I think he is right. Im annoying a lot. He said thats what makes me interesting to him. That and my ass. And we laughed.
It was fortunately right after my period again. Our timing is getting better.
December 5
I looked at that last sentence today and Im like isnt that why I got mad at him last time? Like maybe he gave the Ghirardelli and stuff just for sex. And then I thought, nevermind.
December 6
I went to hear Charlie Thompson and he was very good. Hes all-state I think. But his dad played too and I didnt know he was going to. Hes a piano teacher who used to play in contests or something. He played Claire de Lune, by Debussy. He just played on that little beige upright piano they have in bandhall, but I think they must have tuned it, because it sounded totally different. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. I was practically shaking. Ive never heard that, not even on public radio, where they play classical a lot. I had to go out and buy the CD but even that didnt sound as good as Charlie's dad. It makes me want to learn the piano. I was telling Eliot about it and I think he got all jealous of Charlie, like I was dating Charlie for the last month! I just ignored him this time, though. I dont want to fight anymore.
December 7
Elito (typo, but I like it. I'm going to start calling him Elito!) found out I just turned 15. He thought I was 17. He said he finally figured it out when I started talking about taking the PSAT again. So I must be a sophomore, he said. And I go yah. He said I thought you were a junior. So you just turned 16, he said. I said no, actually. He said fifteen? I go, yah. He was mad at first, but he said it was a fait accompli. He told me that meant he was already hooked.
December 8
Im glad I look like Jan Brady. I dont care. Thats a good show, even if it is corny. Im so sick of cool people. Cool is one of those words that doesnt mean anything. Like popular, or fashionable. I hate fashion. You know tall always means tall and red always means red but cool is one thing now and one thing next month. Who needs words like that? There just confusing. You have to spend like five hundred dollars just on shoes every year, like Sheila Rushing, or even those DocMarten girls. Docs arent cheap. And then the ducktape is extra of course.
The Brady Bunch is good if your an only child. Just hearing that song makes you feel kind of cuddly, like you really have lots of brothers and sisters. The Waltons, too. I mean the shows are pretty stupid sometimes, but all you have to do is hear the music and you have goosebumps. The Partridge Family too, although thats mostly Keith jacking himself off. I like Jan anyway. I saw this thing on E! I think where they talked to all the grownup actors, and everybody liked Marsha. Marsha Marsha Marsha. Not just on the show but in real life. It was really sad. Because Marsha or whatever her name is is now married to some rich guy and everybody still writes her and wants her to be their sex slave. But Jan is like divorced and cut all her hair off. Not Jan but Eve Plumb. If I was a guy I would have married her. Marsha was too cocky. You (kitty) say yah since Jan she looks like you, you like her. But Marsha is more like me really, a loud bitch. I should like her more right if I am in love with myself. But no one likes a bitch.
I was in love with Peter when I was like 9. Greg was like Marsha, thinks hes a bigshot but hes not even great looking like Marsha. Hes bald now and looks like my dad. Bobby was too young to notice, except as a pest. And Cindy was kind of piggy. I always wanted to hit her over the head with my plastic golferclub when I was about 7 or 8, when she lisped.
December 10
I went over to Elitos with no underwear on. Just my dress and a coat. It felt really good walking over there. It wasnt windy so I could just open the coat and feel the cold air all over my legs and a little bit on my stomach. Then when I got cold I just closed the coat. It was warm at Eliots, he wasnt painting so he had the heat on and I took off the coat and my shoes too and my hat. I sat on the floor with my legs crossed and Eliot saw my yoni while we were playing mastermind and he was crazy loony and he wouldnt let me take off the dress the whole time. He just kept lifting it up and doing stuff. It was fun. Sometimes we play in his bed and sometimes we play in the living room where he has these sheer curtains. We can see out but people cant see in too good, especially because he's on the second floor. But its very sunny and the sun comes in right on us and its like we're outside. The best time to play is about five because then your skin looks so orange and pretty. He has this mirror that he uses for painting but sometimes I can see us in it. Its very nice to watch him especially if he doesnt know it. He has these muscles on the sides of his legs and on his butt that are so beautiful when he is moving. Girls dont have muscles that show like that. And these muscles on his sides, he told me they were called obliques, they are my favorite. I just called them guy muscles, like the David has them, these straight lines on his sides above his hips kind of. He told me that the guy who wrote Even Cowgirls get the Blues said that sex is 80% smell. Eliot doesnt shower too much, but he smells good. Some guys smell bad, it seems especially guys with lots of black hair. Or fat guys. But guys with just a little blond hair smell good. Or at least Eliot does, I dont know much about guys really. Maybe some blond guys stink. It probably depends what you eat. Eliot said he spot washes, meaning his pits, at least twice a day, more in the summer, but he never wears anti-perspirant or even deodorant. I used to think that was gross. I mean I dont wear anti-perspirant, it clogs your pores and gives you cancer maybe. But I used deodorant, like natural stuff. Eliot says that stuff smells worse than BO. With us I guess hes right. With other people I dont know. And maybe they think we stink. I dont wear anything anymore. Mom said I was ripe the other day when we were in the car to the grocery store. But whatever. She'll live.
December 11
I told Mrs. Coulson today that I was thinking of graduating early and she said that was a good idea but that I had to start preparing now. I had to plan my whole schedule for next year, and think about summer school (ugh!) and correspondence courses and college requirements and when I was going to take the SAT and how I was going to get my verbal higher because I couldnt get into community college with a 48 verbal. And where I wanted to go to college and getting in my apps and my references and what about if they required an interview and would I visit the campuses and blah blah blahdeblah. And I thought Oi! Forget it Ill just get a diploma mailorder from the Swami swamigoogolani.
December 12
I got this book on all the colleges with statistics and all that. It so expensive you cant believe it. If you dont get about a thousand scholarships or have a billionaire dad, its impossible. Like a NM scholarship, even if I get my score way up, is like $2000. One year of school is like $30,000. Good luck. You cant get financial aid unless your parents are like living in a cardboard shanty, only Grants from the gov that you have to pay back. Big deal. I dont see how anybody ever goes to college. Or why. What do they do with all that money, buy footballs?
December 13
I asked Eliot how he paid for college and he said he had a couple of scholarships but that was nothing and his parents paid about $10,000 a year and the rest was loans. He says he owes about 50 grand. He said its set up that way so the rich stay rich. Who gets the best jobs? he said THose who graduate from the best colleges. Who goes to the best colleges. Rich people mostly and a few minorities as a cover. They tell you its brains but he said theres mostly stupid people in college too. He said he has a BA so hes supposed to be one of the boys now but you have to take the jobs they offer, so you can pay back your loans. Its like blackmail. They dont have any interesting jobs. Higher paying shitjobs and lowerpaying shitjobs. So he said fuck it Im not working for some industry where you have to pee in a thermos and cut your hair and drink Folgers instant and get stock options and work in a cubicle or in glass and steel and naugahide (sp?) and shop at Brooks Bros. and talk about DowJones and play golf and buy a leafblower and a BMW if your lucky and eat at Applebees with the kids and read Vanity Fair and see Michael Douglas movies and go to Puerto Vallarta and read John Grisham in paperback on the beach while your belly gets bloated and your feet get ugly and have a wife with long red fingernails and frizzed hair and kids with Barney coloring books and computer games in the airports going beep bop beep bleep and wearing fluorescent shoes and plastic bookbags and metal storm windows that wont open and bug zappers going zit-zot-biziiiit.
December 14
I thought about all those things Eliot said yesterday. Then I asked him today if I should even go to college. If all thats true what he said. He said, I dont know. If I had it to do over again I would probably just go to the library and skip it. I said yah and the internet and he said fuck the fucking internet. He said its all at the library already for free and you dont have to plug in and underwrite another stripmine in Kentucky or Wyoming or somewhere. And I was like what about the trees. He said the trees are replenishible, besides the internet, as far as its educational, which is not very far, he said, is duplicate technology, it sells us what we already have for free. Its a scam and a whitewash. Ive never seen him so mad. He said it was all at the library until Bill Gates starting giving them computers and they started throwing out the books to make room. Its like throwing away free files so you can buy new files from Bill Gates. Idiocy in action. I had to go kiss him and calm him down like he did me when I was screaming about... whatever I was screaming about. I think Eliot and me are just now getting to know eachother really.
December 15
I wish I could just stay with Eliot during Christmas. We have to go to Richfield as usual to see the disfunctionals. We'll kill a poor little tree to celebrate the compassion of Our Lord and watch guys with helmets on mangle eachother for the Prince of Peace and buy lots of things we dont need and dont want while people starve in the spirit of Brotherly Love. Oh Goody! pass the eggnog!
December 18
Me and Elito rented Watership Down to cheer us up. We had to watch it downstairs at his neighbors because he doesnt have a TV or VCR. El kept fooling with the stupid controls, he has to get the tint and the contrast and brightness just right everytime. It drives me crazy. I'm glad he doesn't have his own TV.
Our favorite part is at the beginning with Lord Frith the sun and the funny little animated creatures. I love Kehaar too. That song always makes me cry when Hazel almost dies. Eliot told me that is Art Garfunkel and the song was a big hit in England. I dont understand how something can be a big hit in England but not here, and vice versa, but anyway.
December 19
When we were downstairs at Eliots neighbors we saw on TV that Rudolph was on tonight so we went there again and watched it. I think Eliots neighbor is getting tired of us, but we were only there for an hour. He must think were pretty childish to watch about bunnies and Santas elves but I dont care. I wish Eliot could come over and watch at my house. So we could be under the covers and all warm when the abominable snowman comes over the fake mountains. I wish my parents would move away.
December 20
I think me and Elito are going to go to the Island of Misfit Toys. We should be happy there.
December 22
Schools out. I got a C in English and my parents will probably give me ashes and rocks in my stocking. So what.
December 27
Back from Richfield and the podpeople. Eliot wasnt home.
December 29
Still no E. We were supposed to exchange gifts this week and I thought he would be home by now.
January 1
Eliot finally came home on thursday and I stayed over there until about 2 o'clock because Mom figured I was celebrating New Years. We drank a little champagne but it was pukey. Mostly we just laid in bed.
January 3
School again tomorrow. I forgot to tell what Eliot gave me for Christmas. He gave me this beautiful dictionary bound in leather with gold writing on the outside. It looks really expensive although I know he doesnt have much money. I hope what I said when we were fighting didnt make him think I cared about that. I dont know what I will tell Mom about it, like where I got it. Maybe I'll say Di gave it to me. I got Eliot these boots hes always talking about, you know from Fawleys, Chippewa or whatever, with the indian. He wears size 10 and a half D. Guys have wide feet. His feet dont look wide. His toes are long. But D is wide. I am 7A. 6 and a half sometimes. My toes are too short and I dont like them. And my pinky toe is all curly. Eliot said it is just my imagination but I dont think so. At least my ankles arent too big. That would be terrible. Eliot says he doesnt like his hair. He thinks he is going bald, although I dont notice anything. And he says his hair has no color. He says it used to be blond but it is now brown blond mousegray. I told him I dont like my mouth which is crooked. Not my teeth but my lips when I smile. Even Bryan Morris said my mouth was funky. And I saw myself talking once and I look retarded. Dont ever watch yourself talk in a mirror, like by accident. You'll regret it.
January 4
They made this rule where you cant take a laptop to PepRally. I think I am going to start a boycott of Pep. A Pepcott.
January 5
I was talking to some people about boycotting Pep and I think we're really going to do it. I said when they have a Pep for the Chemistry Club, and cheer for us then maybe we'll cheer for them.
January 6
This freak comes up to me at Eckerd, outside in the parking lot and just starts talking to me for no reason. I mean guys do that all the time and I just want to scream leave me the fuck alone. I know that is what guys are paid to do, I mean by god or whoever, but dont guys ever look at themselves. I mean democracy's one thing but get real.
January 7
I told Eliot about that guy and I was talking about how hard it is for girls. You know being lunchmeat all day every day. And Eliot said it is hard for guys too. He told me he didnt have a girlfriend for two years. And I said you were probably still mad about Heather. And he said no. He said he was mad but that wasnt it. He said girls wont look at you or smile or flirt. He said their hearts are frozen. I said that was pretty hard to believe, that girls dont look at him. You should see him (who am I talking to?). But he said they walk real fast and look away. I said they probably have boyfriends. He said yah, I guess. He said he was looking for a girlfriend since he was 22, but they were all mean. I couldnt figure out what he was talking about. He said the only girls who ever were nice were either like old ladies, or little girls (like 6 years old) or sometimes fat girls would talk to him. I said that's pretty mean to say. He said I know but that's it. He said girls his age had boyfriends all the time or never had boyfriends. He said if they liked guys at all, they were married or never alone. If they were single it meant they hated men. I said that was ridiculous. It was such a sweeping generalization. He said if a pretty girl wants a boyfriend, she has one, like that. If a handsome guy wants a girlfriend, he's alone for two years. He said lots of guys were like that, not just him. I said he was probably giving off signals. Girls read signals like that. He goes, signals like at the laundromat? And I go what? And he said, it was the same with you as with everybody else. I didnt act any different. I wanted you. Ive wanted some others. The difference is you're not frozen. Im glad Im not frozen but I have to think about that.
January 8
I can either take the SAT in May or in September. I can take it any time practically but those are the best times Mrs. Coulson says. Mrs. Coulson thinks I should wait as long as possible. I have to take the PSAT again for the NM stuff and the SAT. She said early app. is out since I dont know where I want to go. But I have to get in all my apps in the fall. She said they should get the SAT scores in time since I cant rely on my current PSAT verbal to get me in anywhere, not even with the IQ test which she says I should include even though its not normal to do that. We decided we arent going to the next Pep. We are having a sitdown laptop demo outside the gym. They will have to drag us, like those people in Seattle.
January 9
I wonder if this demo and my DHall for that paper will be on my HS record? Whatever.
January 10
I told Eliot that theres nothing wrong with him so maybe he's right. I said but I know Di would look at him. And some other girls I wouldnt trust him with. He said they're fifteen. They dont count. They're prefreeze. But you can't touch so they dont count. You're not supposed to touch, he corrected himself, and I laughed, but I was starting to get kind of mad. He said he'd better shut up or he'd get himself in trouble. I said, no, how do they know when to freeze up, exactly?! He said college taught em. Awareness week and Naomi Wolf and phony statistics and PC and sex is rape. I dont know about Naomi Wolf but I said maybe they didnt just freeze up because she told them to, and I told him about Margaret and Margaret's dad and about Amy's sister's best friend who drank this drink and passed out and woke up not a virgin anymore and almost killed herself and the police didnt even care. And Eliot goes, I know, a lot of guys should be thrown from a cliff. And now women are mean too. Things are screwed up. He said the thing is there's no trust so even nice people can't meet. I said we met. And he said we were doomed. He would get arrested or my parents would find out and make him leave town or I would go off to college and forget about him. He said theres almost ten years between us. That's not allowed anymore and it would catch up with us. I said fuck that. I said if the police came to get him I would throw myself in front of the squad car. I would bite them. And my parents were immaterial. I would be in college in a year and a half and then I would do what I want. He said how are you going to pay for college if your parents dump you for having me as a boyfriend. I said they wont. He's so wimpy sometimes. Its not like we're murdering people and eating them with cheerios.
January 11
We had our Pepcott today. It was a big Lolapalooza Bang. It was on the news and we all got ISS for life and my Mom has grounded me forever and so on, whatever. It was on the news because the principals pissed me off so bad, threatening and not listening to a thing we said, so I said I had to go to the bathroom and I got on Laura's cell and called channel 7 and when we left school at 3:30 they were there with a film crew waiting for us. I don't know what Mr. Thomas will say tomorrow in ISS. Terry Lansing was the only one that got on TV and he said that we wanted to study instead of sing songs for the basketball team. He said we didn't care about basketball and we thought Chemistry was more important. His cheek kept doing that tick thing.
January 12
From ISS. It is Elito's birthday today. He is 25. I thought he was already 25, but he was 24.
Terry Lansing is sitting right behind me. We are not supposed to talk but he keeps Emailing me every few seconds. You've got mail. You've got mail. You've got mail. You've got a pest. I dont think he wanted to Pepcott, but I talked him into it. He sat right next to me. He told me I smelled good, in the Email, what cologne do I wear. I told him I don't wear cologne. He said I mean perfume. I dont wear perfume. He goes, powder. Nope. Finally he goes, shampoo. I wrote maybe, but its probably just my pussy. That shut him up.
I didn't buy anything except socks for Eliot. Mostly I gave him treats. I could only stay for about 30 minutes because I'm grounded, but it was long enough for treats.
January 15
Birth control is such a pain. I still haven't figured out that rhythm shit. I've been reading all these books, but the thing is if your not regular, you never know. So we have to practically stop from day 10 to my period. The worst part is we can't do it without worrying when I am ovulating, and that's the time I want to do it most. Sometimes we do it anyway and Eliot pulls, like I said, but around day 14 to 18 I won't even let him in, I'm so afraid of getting pregnant. I read that the precome has sperm in it, and that's why pulling is only like 90%. I would never have an abortion, you know as a method of BC. Maybe a morning after pill, because then there's no fetus, but those pills make you really sick and who knows what they do to you later. I don't know if I would have an abortion even if I got raped. It's hard to know these things until it happens I guess (had crosses).
January 16
From ISS. This semester I am in Chemistry, English (regular), Trig, Cross Country, Philosophy and French. We are doing Plato in philosophy, where they make him drink poison. I think the parallels to my case are similar. I think maybe Mr. Thomas should just pass around the hemlock, since we're corrupting the youth and all, telling them chemistry is more important than basketball.
January 17
Amy called and said they're still talking about it on TV. She said they were talking about it on the city council. Also on public access, on channel 14. Mom won't let me watch TV. I'm supposed to just study for the PSAT 24/7. She said she was going to take away my laptop but I reminded her of the DSL and my vocab. Like I've got any vocab in here!
I'm not supposed to talk on the phone either but Amy called when Mom was at the salon.
January 18
They let us out of ISS. I think they had to. Terry's parents were going to sue. His dad's a lawyer. Also the city council was on our side. But everybody hates us now. I mean like the jocks. We're considered the dweebs deluxe now. You can go to study hall for Pep now but only about ten people do. Everybody else thinks we're like the Unabomber or something. Who cares. Fuck their tiny minds.
January 20
Sorry I didnt write yesterday. I had to rush out and buy Kathie Lee's new CD.
January 21
I was watching Friends over at Amys and its weird because people like that show but people arent like that at all. I mean they have all these sitcoms, right, where the laughtrack goes hah hahhah about every three seconds so you would think people really like to joke around. But its not like that. Its all right to be clever if you're Jennifer Aniston with your boobs right in the camera dating Brad Pitt. But if you try to say something funny in real life people dont get it, either that or they're mad because you like thought of it first, so they arent about to laugh. I think sitcoms arent about laughs they're about watching pathetic people wish they could have sex all the time, but you cant have porn on TV so people watch that instead.
January 22
French is good language because the word for lawyer and avocado is the same.
January 27
Today was our six monthiversary. Boy did we celebrate! I can hardly walk.
January 29
Things are pretty much back to normal with Amy except we never talk about sex anymore. We used to talk about guys a lot, but I think Amy just did that to fit in. She and that Kelly girl hang out now. Di's not with guitarboy anymore. She said all he did was talk about his band and about LedZep. Big legged woman aint got no soul. What fucks. I think Robert Plant was secretly gay. Him and Jimmy Page are probably still getting it on. I think I will start that rumor at school.
January 30
My vocab is improving. Its funny, the only hard words I knew were ones from Woolf and Eliot and Jane Austen and stuff, at first. Most of the good words that I kind of knew from them arent used anymore so they didnt do me any good on tests. Like meretricious. Some of them though. Now Im learning the right words. PSAT words esoteric jejune tantamount coy enigma cacophony querulous flippant expedient divulge arcane nebulous misogyny. On the practice test Im now in the 50's. Ive got to get to 60 at least. Unless I decide to go to Cal Tech and ditch writing, then I could score zero on verbal.
February 1
Eliot helps me with vocab. Once we got out of ISS, Mom stopped grounding me but she still thinks Im a troublemaker and she watches me like a hawk. I had to stay home and study even though I wasn't grounded. Then when I scored that 56 on a practice test she let me out, but I was going over to Eliots and I saw her in the car following me so I had to keep walking to the library and like sit there for half an hour. Now everytime I go to Eliot's I have to check. I told her the test wasnt until next fall and I would have all summer to study but she doesnt care. She hates me.
February 5
Mom and Dad got in a fight about me. Dad finally looked up from the golf channel and goes let her go Sarah, she's a young girl, she can't just study all the time. I nearly died. Mom practically got hysterical. She's like, now you pipe up, and he's undercutting her authority and this is a female issue. And he's like Im her father, I think I have some say. And all that, just like on TV. Neither one of them saying anything that made any sense, just a lot of cliches from Cosby and Rosanne and King of the Hill. So I changed the channel and left.
February 7
Di goes how can you be superstitious when you have a high IQ and you're not even religious. She doesn't believe in that stuff. About crosses and knocking wood. I don't either, really. It's just a game. But I have this theory (it's really stupid) that it's not the wood or the cross or black cats or anything like that, it is more like not tempting fate, which I totally believe in. When you cross your fingers or knock wood you are just saying that you know your proper place, which is that you are not in control of everything, but you are grateful and hopeful that someone is, because it would be really disrespectful to be given something as complex as a life, which is shitty a lot but also beautiful, and not even be hopeful.
February 8
Me and Eliot are trying to think of something fun to do on Valentine's. I think we may take his car to Joliet, so we can eat out but no one will recognize us.
February 10
Oh, Kitty, I made a big mistake! I read Naomi Wolf because I wanted to know what Eliot was talking about and then I really liked her and then I talked to Eliot about it before Valentine's Day and now we had a big fight. I read Fire with Fire and I couldn't figure out what Eliot was talking about, because it all made sense even though she was pretty tough, but she liked guys a lot and took up for them. And I started to think maybe Eliot was a little bit sexist, because of what he said before and how he was scared when he found out I was smart. So I asked him about it and he said that he didn't read Fire, only The Beauty Myth which I didn't read. But that's the one she is famous for he said. He said it was a crock. He called her a stupid cunt and I got really mad and told him she was a Rhodes Scholar and a lot smarter than him, who was just a sexist shithead, then I stormed out and came home. I don't know what to do now.
February 14
Since I am home alone on Valentines I decided to get The Beauty Myth at the library. I think Naomi rocks. She was talking about how she was glad guys looked at her and she liked to look at guys, in that first book, and I thought, yah that's the kind of smart woman I want to be. Maybe I'll be a Rhodes Scholar. I wonder if you have to take a stupid test.
February 16
I liked The Beauty Myth, but I'm not so sure about it. I hate Vogue and titjobs and makeup and all that shit. Like Teresa Alport got this nosejob because she's Jewish and she thought she had a big nose. But I mean it was beautiful before, just kind of long but real narrow and edgy and it didn't go in at all between her eyes, and I thought that was so neat. But it was different so she hated it. That's crazy. But some people have ugly noses and that's it. I'm sorry. And hair. Think about it. There's all kinds of pretty hair, all kinds of colors and straight and wavy and even kinky curly, but thin hair with like your head showing through or spiked hair thats dyed about five times that's supposed to be ugly. I think there are people with more beauty just like there are people with more brains. Its not cultural or whatever, its just the way they were born. Like do I think Bryan Morris is hot because he looks like the guys in the magazine and movies? No, I think he is hot because he is muscular and his skin is beautiful and he just fits together nice. You know when he walks its kind of rhythmical. And his lips have this lovely curve to them. And his hair is thick and a nice color. If he would let it grow it would be so nice. Unfortunately he's a fuck and not so smart. And why is Eliot a hunk? Because he is, that's all. Some guys are hunky and some guys arent. Guys that aren't hunky just have to live with it. And girls that aren't beautiful, too, I guess. Just like you have to live with it if your a dope like Jeffrey Ainsworth or a fuck like Bryan Morris. People never want to have to live with it. I have to live with a funky mouth and a brassy personality. If I force Bryan Morris to say my mouth is beautiful, that doesn't change anything, my mouth is still the same. It's not like I don't know it. Like DiDi, everybody knows she is prettier than me. The guys always talk to her first. I don't necessarily like it. I wish they would talk to me first. But even I think she is prettier. If I make guys talk to us the same, is that more fair or less fair? Is fairness more like equality or more like truth? I know it sounds mean, but there are a lot more stupid ugly people, and they don't like the truth. If they make all smart pretty people just like them, who does that help? If you say there is no beauty you might as well say there is no anything, and then everyone can just be a big blob.
And when you go to the mall or whatever, it's just a bunch of blobs. A lot of them I think might not be so bad if they had a clue. I mean they might not have been born quite so ugly. But they eat the worst shit at the foodcourt and smoke and probably drink about a gallon of whiskey or Bud when they get to the car, and they look like they don't sleep, and they obviously never exercise, and they look like they get all their clothes at WalMart, and just grab anything that fits over their bulk, I mean the colors are awful and the shorts always hit them just below the knee or something and the shirts are all balloony and stripey and made of stretch plastic or neon hefties. And their hair looks like it was cut with machinegun fire or burned off with a meteor. And then they complain about supermodels making them look bad. Get real.
February 18
I talked to Eliot today. I called him about Naomi, who I still like, but The Beauty Myth wasn't so hot; and guess what, he read Fire with Fire and liked it! It's funny because when I was at the library getting my book, he was probably there getting his and it would have been funny if we had seen eachother at the shelf. He said she was different in Fire, he even thought parts of it were sexy. I go, I told you. And he goes, I told you. And we laughed and so I went over there and everything was fine. Eliot gave me a Badzu (that's what I call Badtz Maru) backpack with chocolate hearts in it. I didn't have a gift for him but I gave him treats and I still need to look for something.
February 19
Eliot said it figures that Naomi Wolf's good book nobody bought it, and the crappy one was a best seller.
February 20
Eliot told me to read this lady named Andrea Dworkin if I really wanted to know about those girls in college who hate guys. The therapy babes. Like Di's sister, psychobitch. I said no thanks. If they want to be crazy, fine. It leaves more for me. He goes, hey wait! And I go, just kidding.
February 21
I told Eliot he reads too much and he will make himself crazy just like the therapy babes. I said everything sucks and always has, but you can't remind yourself of it all the time. I said, like kick ass as far as your leg will reach, and then fuck it. Try to find someone you like. Mom thinks I read too much. She says I should study and quit reading things I dont need to. And Im like, Mom Im not reading Jacqueline Suzanne and Anne Rice and comic books, like animated X files. Im trying to read good books. She said I would be more normal if I did read Anne Rice. She said I am making things hard on myself. So Im lucky: I have a foolproof method for solving any confusion I have: Mom is like a perfect negative weathervane for me. She points one way, I blow the other.
February 22
I was thinking its weird that when guys suck they aren't really crazy they're just mean as hell, like evil. They don't get all weird like Di's sister. They just do horrible things, like treat people like shit, which is worse than Di's sister, but it's different. Like seriously fucked up guys don't go to therapy and read self-help books and cut themselves, they kill someone or beat up their wife or at least shoot cats or play sick vidgames. The therapy babes, most of them treat people like shit, but mostly they just act crazy, and talk about their problems all the time, and think up new problems. I think its because guys act out and girls act in, usually. And if you act in, that's what makes you look crazy. And if you act out, that's what makes you look mean or evil.
February 24
I've had it with writing like a punk. Yesterday's entry was like a complete moron wrote it. I've got to start correcting a few more things. Developing some discipline in my thinking. Otherwise I'll get to college and still sound like a valgirl. Like, no duh, dude.
February 25
Eliot's paintings are getting really good. He is doing this nude study of me where I am just laying on the bed, with that nice orange light at about 4 or 5 o'clock. It's not sexy at all, I mean I haven't got my legs open or my ass in the air or something crazy. I'm just laying there reading a book. He's studying skin tones. I can only pose for about an hour at a time, because I have to study at home and usually eat dinner at home and be the good teen so I don't get grounded again. Eliot says he hates it when the paint dries because then he has to repaint the edges, where he stopped. The canvas is about sixty inches long. He painted my face first and then my hands. He says he does the important things first. I said then you should have painted my ass first. Then he said he painted the mouth first because he does the biggest things first. And I said he should have painted my boobs first then. Then I said no, you should have painted your cock first (I gave up on bitte, Eliot thought it was too funny). He said you can paint that. I said really, right now? And he goes sure. So I got up and grabbed the biggest brush I could find, and I didn't put any paint on it because then I would have to clean him off with turpentine and that would be yucky, I just pulled down his jams and sort of pretended to paint him, and I think it tickled at first but then he got all hard, so I took him in my mouth. He smells so good down there, the hair and the skin. Its like his armhair, but even nicer. It smells like sex. It makes me so excited but also comfortable, like smelling my own pillow. He told me afterwards that Rodin, when he was taking a break from sculpting, like we did, you know playing with his models, he would put a sign on the door absent, visiting cathedrals. I said I would make him a sign like that. Except his sign would say cathedral, you know not plural. Eliot can only visit my cathedral. He said the sign was because Rodin thought the nude body was sacred. I think it is, too.
February 28
Eliot is teaching me to paint. It's a lot harder than I thought. I can draw pretty good, but when I start painting it just looks like a mess. The colors won't do what I tell them to. He said it's always like that at first. He said he painted for two years before he figured out how to make a good brushstroke. And you have to mix colors and blend everything just right, not too much but enough. And then there is composition and you have to get the light just right so you have shadows but not big pools of black. He says maybe I should try pastels first. Those little chalks. They are easier.
March 1
Di said she and Amy and Spencer did a three-way. Spencer is her new boyfriend. I thought he was a dweeb, but I guess not. Not completely. She said it was a bomb though because Amy wouldn't hardly touch Spencer at all. Amy agreed to it, but then wouldn't let Spencer do anything, DiDi thinks because Amy is still a virgin. I said, that makes sense. I wouldn't want to do it with someone else's boyfriend my first time. And Di said yah, but then why did she want to do it? I said maybe Amy was a little bit curious about guys, but not curious enough to get one for herself, alone. I said maybe she was scared. Di said, yah, I guess. I said that Amy was half a year younger, too (Di is already 16 and she said Spencer was almost 17). I said, are they going to do it again, and she said Spencer didn't want to. Then she said Spencer asked about me. And I go, what about me. And she said for a three-way. And I said I don't think so.
March 2
Fuck, I can't believe I ever had to ask Jeffrey Ainsworth to see a cock in a magazine. Or to see his! Oh my god. Since I got my laptop I have seen about a million of them on the web. I don't know if it's a good thing, seeing so many cocks, but you can hardly help yourself sometimes
March 3
I asked Amy what she thought about the three-way. I was kind of dying for more information. Spencer is not too hot, but still you like to know these things. She said she did it to see about guys. It seemed safe because Di was there. She said Spencer was nice but that she didn't like his cock too much. I said, was it ugly. She said no. I said, small. She goes, not too. She said it wasn't his that she didn't like, it was the whole idea. He was just kind of repulsive. I said Spencer wasn't so hot. She said all guys are repulsive. They're not gentle, she said. I said some guys are, you would be surprised. She said maybe. She was almost crying so we didn't talk about it anymore.
March 6
Terry Lansing is in my Trig class. There's only like five girls in there. I thought all the guys were geeks. I mean none of them are really cute. But, Ronald Davidson, a friend of Terry's, left this note in my chair so when I came back from the bathroom it was there. And I read it and it said that I smelled good and he knew why. And then he signed it. And I looked over at him and he smiled. I couldn't believe it. At least he's got guts. If he was a little bit cuter I might give him some treats. Is that terrible to say. I don't think Terry is in on it. I think he probably just told the guys and Ronald decided to leave me a note.
March 10
Mr. Holmes put this problem on the board today. He explained it for about fifteen minutes. It didn't seem much like a trig problem. Then he asked if anyone saw a way to solve it. Not like an equation but to just say it, verbally, what should you do next. Nobody said anything. But I was looking at the problem and Mr. Holmes didn't say anything for a minute, and then I just saw it. So I told him and he said that's right. He said he was going to give that problem to his other classes today so don't tell them. He told us that was how calculus was invented. I mean they were working on that problem. He set it up for us and like led us into it, so it's not like I reinvented calculus, but its pretty interesting.
March 11
No one in Mr. Holmes other classes got that problem. All the brainy guys were talking about me. They were mad that a girl got it, I think. Mr. Holmes kept me after class and told me that he had been putting that question on the board for 8 years and nobody got it. I said they probably just couldn't concentrate. He asked if I was taking calculus next year and I said yes, of course. And he said I should be on the math team. And I thought, oh great, another afterschool thing, where I won't see Eliot. And I said what do I have to do. And he said in the fall we went to some UIL meets for practice, and then the district tests were in the spring. The tests were on Saturday mornings. He said you could win scholarships and it was good for your transcript. I said OK. I probably wont have time to study, but I'll go to a test and see what it's like, I guess. I'll be competing against seniors, so it will probably be a waste of time. I mean I'll be a senior, too, really, I guess, but I'll be more than a year younger and stupider.
March 15
We were sitting outside the Gap today, me and Amy and Di, when Eliot walked by. He and I had to pretend we didn't know eachother. It was hard not to look at him. And then Di goes, man, look at that guy. Is he ever gorgeous. And I go, what guy. That guy that looks just like Matthew McConaughy, she said, tell me you saw him or I'll totally swallow you. I go, I don't think Matthew McConaughy is all that cute (while I'm thinking, McCon? Eliot doesn't look anything like McCon). And she just goes, whatever. He's only the best looking guy in the world, but what do I know. And Amy goes, I don't think he's that cute either. He's going bald, like Woody Harrelson. And Di goes, Oh shut up, you don't think any guys cute so you don't count. And Amy goes, I do too count, I have eyes. And Di goes, anyway, that guy was the bomb. I'd blow him in about five seconds. Right here in front of the Gap, I'd do it. Just pull 'em down and Gulp! And Amy's like, gross, shut up or someone will hear you. And Di's like, I don't care, whatever, hey Joanna, run tell that guy I'll blow him. Right here. And I go, OK Di, uncool (while I'm thinking, yah, you try it girl and I'll kick your fucking ass). I can't believe I got so mad. I was really like ready to hit her. I wonder if that means I'm jealous. Anyway, about two minutes later, Amy goes, Mary, when are we going to meet Paul? (coincidence?) You've been with him for months and we never even get to see him. Are you sure he's not just a dreamboy? And I go, he's real. He just lives a long way away. He never comes in this part of town. He lives over by Regence. And Di goes, where in Regence? And I go, you know around by that place, the Arbors. And Di goes, Hm, sure he does. He must be a dog or you wouldn't keep him so secret. He probably looks like Herbert Pulski. He probably wears glasses and majors in classics or something. And by this time I am ready to really jump her and start strangling her throat, but I just go, or maybe he's just a superhunk and I have to keep him away from your greedy puss. And she's like yah, right, completely unaware you know that I hate her and she's a bitch.
March 16
I was looking at some of Eliot's art mags while I was posing for him today, and those mags are really weird. This was this like hundred page ad for Absolut vodka with all these supposedly famous artists that I never heard of painting vodka bottles in their own stupid styles, and I'm like what's with this? And Eliot goes, oh, they've been doing that for years. And I'm like why, I don't get it. He said, I guess for the money. And I'm like, yah but why does the vodka company do it? Do artists really drink that much vodka? He said, no, I don't know, leave me alone, I'm painting, I hate that shit anyway. But I was thinking artists sure are pimps, not even hiding it. I thought art was supposed to be so pure now, not painting for the pope or some king anymore you know. But then these fakeballs paint a stupid bottle because someone paid them. Why not just work for Disney, you can paint all the dancing bottles and singing brooms you want. Famous people are completely worthless. They always do commercials for Coke or McD's or Nike and then you go, man, weren't you already rich enough for nothing? Bruce Springsteen is about the only one who ever said no. They wanted to use Born in the USA to sell fucking cars, and he goes bite me.
March 19
This guy's car alarm beeped today right when I was walking by. I mean it didn't go off, he was locking it and it beeped twice, you know, to let him know that his investment was now safe. But it scared me, because it's still really loud, and I go Wow, I'm like totally impressed. And he goes hunh? And I go, you must be really rich and important, to own a car alarm and all, thanks for letting us know. And he's like, hunh? And I'm like, stick that thing in your ass, mister, and beep yourself to Mars. And he's like, hunh?
March 20
They ought to make the PSAT a little more up to date. You know, more relevant questions to the life of a contempo teen. Like, pot is to heroin as beer is to X. a)coke b)lite beer c)everclear d)ecstasy e)cigs. Or, cock is to pussy as balls is to X. Now there's a tuffy!
March 21
Did you ever notice how Harry Potter gets better looking with each bookcover. I bet in the movie he's gonna be played by Leo DiCaprio with glasses.
March 22
Di got rid of Spencer. She said he was sleeping with Heidi Stemmons and Gregory Abbott. And Di wasn't even invited! Boo-hoo. I think two guys would definitely be too much. Plus, any two guys who would agree to it, they would probably spend the whole time on eachother.
March 24
I got a lett r from Margaret today. She didn't say where she was, but she said she was better. She got a job at this store that sells hemp clothing and organic shoes or something. She's living with some guy. She said they weren't doing it, but that he wanted to and she would probably have to leave soon. She tells everbody she's 18. She said she almost got killed but she didn't say how. I hope she's still alright. It was postmarked Sacramento, but I didn't tell her Mom. I burned the envelope.
March 25
I already started dropping hints about a car, just so Dad has plenty of time to think about it. Amy already has her hardship (like she has any hardships. She and Madonna have about the same hardships). She has a volvo, but she hardly ever drives it except to the outlet mall to go to Banana Republic and Pottery Barn. Di has to share her sister's car or her Mom's. Her sister has a red camaro. She tries to look as much like a whore as possible, that way the guys think she is always on call, so she never has to talk to them. I want a bug, but that's probably too expensive. I doubt I'll get a new car. Like I need one. But they're so cute. You never know which way they're going when they start up, until they move.
March 28
I think they ought to have a leap month every month. That would be really confusing.
April 5
Elito has never drunk out of a glass in his life I think. Everytime I go over there he's drinking from the milk carton or from this big bottle of OJ. If you ever go over to a guy's house and he offers you something to drink definitely say no unless its out of a single bottle or something. His lips have been all over everything else.
April 6
I read in this weird book at the library that plants can understand what you're thinking. They hooked them up to some sort of electrodes or something where they could tell when they were excited. Don't ask me how. If you like pruned another plant in the room they would get all scared. And if you didn't even do anything, just thought about a scary thing, like the holocaust, the plants would get scared. But if you thought, I am going to kill that plant, but you didn't really mean it, they could tell you were just pretending. They knew whether you really mean to hurt them or not. I wonder if that's true? I mean it would be pretty important if it was. Of course real scientists won't study it. Scientists refuse to study anything that sounds interesting. I think I will become a plant psychologist. I'll call my first book You can't lie to me, I'm a plant. Then I'll write How to interrogate your boyfriend with a plant. Then I can start an advice column called Ask a plant. I can have a talkshow, too. My sidekick will be a philodendron named Robert. Robert Plant.
April 7
DiDi and Jen kept talking about famous guys today. They were looking at Rolling Stone and they wouldn't shut up. That's all they talk about. Jen thinks David Ducovny is hot. She says he's smart. I said I don't care, he doesn't have a chin. Plus he just seems like he'd be a creep. He never smiles. And Jen goes, that's just on XFiles. Nobody smiles on XFiles. I said I don't care. He seems full of himself. DiDi's latest is Ethan Hawke. She saw Snow Falling... and that other shitty movie he was in and now he's god with a tuke. I said Uma could have him. They seem perfect for eachother. A bigger pair of pseudos never lived. All attitude. Zero talent. They're like, you hate everybody. You say you wouldn't go with Ethan or David or Curly or Moe, but you would. It's easy to say when they aren't ever going to ask you. And I'm like, whatever. I just like normal people. I mean not normal people, but people who act like normal people. People who don't act at all. Who are just themselves, without some fakey smile or put-on personality that you just know they practice in front of the mirror. They just said, OK, but if you had to go out with one famous guy who would it be? And I was tired of being the only one who ever said anything that wasn't completely stupid, so I said I don't know. At first I was going to say Daniel Day-Lewis, because he's handsome and also like the only guy under 80 who can actually act. Him and Anthony Hopkins, who is the bomb, who I would pay to see take out the garbage, but I don't think I would go out with him, like as a girlfriend because he's even older than Daniel Day-Lewis and not too gorgeous. I saw a picture of DDL recently and he wasn't looking too hot either. So I said Beck. And they go Beck? He's too nerdy. I go yah, he's not a he-man like Ethan, like in the Newton Boys with that mustache and big bad gayboy gun. Get real.
April 8
Tom Winterson asked me to go to the game on Friday, even though he knows I'm one of the ones who Pepcotted. He probably couldn't think of anything else for us to do. Guys have to think of that stuff. They stink at it. They never ask you to do anything fun. Like what? I don't know. I can't think of anything.
April 10
I'm thinking of going with Tom. I can't believe I'm thinking of going with Tom. I've never been asked by a senior and Tom Winterson is a hotty. He's probably better looking than Eliot even, at least his face. I don't think he's as smart as Eliot but at least we could do stuff. I mean go out without worrying. Go to the pizzagarden without getting arrested by the FBI. I'm still crazy about El but it's not like we're married. Is that bad to say? If Eliot had another girlfriend too I would throw a fit. Right? SO. But Eliot will never know, like he's going to go to a high school basketball game? Fuck. I'm either hiding from my parents or hiding from Eliot. You can't ever just do anything in this world.
April 12
It's really nice being seen out with a guy, because then all the sudden everybody thinks maybe you're not just a Pepcott geekoid, maybe you're like a human being. If Tom Winterson desires Jan Brady, Jan Brady is desirable!
April 13
I had sex with Tom. He had a condom and it just seemed so easy. I could do it without worrying. Without worrying about preggy but still I was worried about Eliot and all that. What he would think. And then the sex was pretty lame-o. Condoms are bad for girls too. They don't feel good and they look nasty, and you can't just put him in your mouth whenever you want, you have to always be taking the damn thing on and off, or getting a new one. And Tom didn't know how to do anything. He was sweet, but he just didn't know how to move. He said he wasn't a virgin but I'm not so sure. If he's not, he should be.
April 15
I was telling Di about Tom, you know to make up for the fact that I can never talk about El. And when we were talking about the condoms, she said you should always use a condom because of AIDS. And I'm like, that's BS galore, because here's the thing, if you knew a guy had AIDS, would you fuck him with a condom? No. So how can you use a condom for that when you don't know? It's illogical, spock. Di's like, well what do you do. I said if the guy seems risky, don't fuck him. Or if you still have to, because of whatever, at least make him get a test. And she's like, you can't tell if a guy is high risk. And I'm like, yes you can, as much as you can tell anything. You can't be sure the condom's not going to break, or that he won't date rape you or whatever. You can't know everything, but you can assess the risk if you try. It's better to try than just to assume the condom will make your risk zero. I don't think she got it. Maybe she should use condoms if she can't figure anything out. I think that's what it really is. They think everyone's stupid, so they come up with a policy for idiots. Maybe they're right.
April 17
Tom was all pissed that I wouldn't go out with him again. I guess he thinks he was doing me a favor asking me out. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I told him I had a boyfriend from Wisconsin coming into town. His parents were visiting my parents and all. Maybe I would go out again in a few weeks. Hoping that he would forget about it by then, you know or move on. And if he asked me out again, I could say that me and that boy were now serious. I can lie about anything all day.
April 18
I went to Starbuck's today to test a theory. Kind of a psychology theory. It's for my philosophy class, but it's more like pychology. Mr. Shamis won't care as long as its interesting. I hate Starbuck's (you know what Starbuck's is named for? The character from Moby Dick) with the whitehot passion of a thousand suns, but it was the best place to test this theory. Eliot is always talking about how mean women are, you know girls in their twenties, so I thought I would just see about that. Eliot is a little crazy sometimes. I went to this Starbucks about five miles away, over by Regence, so that no one would know me and I could just watch. I stayed about an hour, with my tall misto (gagola!) and a newspaper. It was pretty weird all right. There were kind of two groups of people there. I mean you could divide all the customers into two categories, I guess. Some of them were my age, teens, and they were talking to eachother some. But only to people they knew. And then there were older people, mostly guys. Or about 65% guys, 35% girls maybe. The guys looked around the place a little. These guys were around 20 to 35, probably. They looked at the girls occasionally. Especially this one girl who was by herself who was pretty hot. Not like miniskirt and pumps hot, but just cute. All the guys looked at her at least once every five minutes. They also looked at me and at this other high school girl in this group a lot. All the older people were by themselves. At their little tables. One guy had a laptop and he didn't look around as much, but he still looked at the hot girl about twenty times. One of the guys was pretty hunky, and another one was not so bad. The only one who was scary was this guy who kept walking around, going to the bathroom about every five minutes and staring at everybody and not reading anything or doing anything but staring. He saw me looking around and so of course he comes over and tries to talk but I told him I was 13 and my dad's a cop, and he took off. When he left I thought the older chicks might get a little happier, but they didn't. I thought they might at least look at the hunky guy, at least check him out. He didn't seem too scary. He looked kind of like that guy on that hospital show, the guy that was in the Three Guys, whatever that shitty movie was (I didn't see it), anyway, like that but younger. You know, kind of scruffy but nice. Dressed like an older guy but not too dorky. I tried to count the number of times the girls looked up like I was doing with the guys, but man they were good. There were six girls in the older group. Of all six, I caught them looking three times. Four of them never looked up once, the whole time I was there. One of the others looked at the clock, because she didn't have a watch. She also looked up when the scary guy went by for the five hundredth time. And I caught one of them looking at the passable guy once, but he looked back at her and she never looked again. It was spooky in there. I was thinking that if people from the past, like from history, came into Starbucks and saw all these people alone at their little tables, with their laptops, in a public place not talking or even looking, what would they think? It really made me want to cry. I thought I would ask the pretty girl why she was there, but I couldn't figure out how. I decided to tell her I was doing a survey for my class at school, and could I ask her a question. I wasn't really doing a survey, I was just taking notes, but whatever. So when she left, I asked her outside where no one could hear. She acted kind of mad but she said OK. I asked her why she came there. She said to study. I asked her if she had a boyfriend. She goes, is that part of the survey. And I go, no, I just wondered. She said no, not really. I said, girlfriend? And she goes, fuck off you little bitch. So I figured she doesn't like girls. But why does she study at Starbucks? The music sucks, the coffee costs two bucks, which you can get at home for free, and they give you those fucking plastic lids even when you tell them you don't want one, and they don't recycle. She must be lonely but then she doesn't even look at any of those guys. Maybe they weren't her type. Maybe on other nights she is a smiley clown. Yah.
April 20
I went to some other coffeeshops for my philosophy project because I got to thinking maybe Starbucks just attracts losers. The unfriendlies. Or maybe that scary guy just freaked everybody out. But it was like that everywhere. I thought Windwood was bad, like zombieville. Windwood is a sights and sounds extravaganza, an orgy with balloons compared to after school. At least we talk, even if its about stupid shit like weed or raves or Slim Shady or yoga or whatever. I even went to the student union over at Taft to see if there was some action. Same shit. I guess if you're drunk at a frat party maybe someone accidently has some fun, but probably they just sit around and puke on eachother and maybe molest the stupid chicks that have passed out. I don't think I want to major in psychology in college, it's too depressing.
April 21
How fuckin long is this bigpants thing gonna last?
April 22
Amy got a bellyring. I'm like, Amy, that is so 90's. She's like Shut up. "Up" like three syllables, right.
April 23
Eliot's mad because we haven't been spending as much time together. It's just that we never do anything except have sex. The sex is still super great but you need more than that. I think Eliot is paranoid maybe. He really thinks the cops are after us, just waiting for us to slip up so they can put him away for life. He said hey, you don't have to worry, they don't hassle you. It used to be just the women got blamed for sex, like in the old times, he said, like in that poem by Seamus Heaney where the young girl was thrown in the pit, but now they just throw the guys in the pit.
To change the subject I asked him why he painted so many nudes. He said are you jealous. I said no (which is a lie), most of them are of me anyway. At least the recent ones. And he doesn't like the other girls too much. Maybe to look at but I don't think he would ever sleep with them because they are too stupid. He says he hates stupid girls. Besides they always have some stupid boyfriends anyway and are too dumb to flirt with El. I think it makes him mad, you know because he thinks he should be the one ignoring them as a waste of time instead of the other way around, you know what I mean. Anyway he said he paints nudes because clothes are so ugly now. If you want to paint something beautiful that is the only thing left. I think he is right although he is probably lying a little bit. He probably just wants to look even if he doesn't want to touch. I guess that's alright. I don't know. It's alright for now but I don't know if I want to marry a guy who is always looking at other naked girls. Unless we could both play with them. That might be fun. But that kind of stuff never happens.
April 24
My vocab is getting better. I've been busting ass to get up to 60. I scored 58 yesterday on a practice so I'm getting close. If I can get to 60 by summer, then maybe I can go quite a bit higher by fall. Who knows. You would think I could study more during the summer because I have more time, but I know I won't, so I have to get most of it done now.
copious corporeal furtive laconic curt succinct vilify abscond eulogize raconteur excoriate abhor ephemeral bellicose anodyne grandiloquent torpid turgid (I used that one on El, guess how) timorous tyro trenchant adroit pertinacious limpid
I read that kids had a vocab of 25,000 words in 1960. Now 10,000 words. I can't believe I even know 10,000. Maybe I don't. But now I know copious, corporeal~ limpid, for six months anyway, hopefully.
April 30
Goo Goo Dolls like totally so rock my world, man. Sorry, I was just practicing being a real girl.
May 2
Amy called me an elitist today. And I was like, meaning? She said I thought I was smarter than everyone just because of that test. And I go, you're just saying that because I don't like the Chicken Movie, and the Beasties, and Ricky Martin and because I hate to talk about TV stuff. I said that stuff bored me before the test. She said, yah but now you're different. I said maybe in your head, not in mine. I think she's still mad about me not practicing with her anymore. Fights are never about what they're about, you know. She's mad at Di too, because Di doesn't play with her anymore and now she has to play with Kelli. I know that sounds stuck up, like me and Di are so much prettier than Kelli, but it's Amy who thinks that, it's just me noticing. I don't think me and Amy will ever be like we were before. Sex ruins everything.
May 3
I wonder if I really am elitist and stuck up. I think I probably am. Does that mean I'm not nice. I was reading about Maud Gonne, this lady who the poet Yeats was in love with. Yeats wrote about the gyres and the toppling towers and said "It's certain that fine women eat/ a crazy salad with their meat." I always thought that line was weird. Mostly because you don't think of fine women eating a salad with their meat. They just eat the salad, right? They would never eat a big hunk of meat while Yeats was looking. And also then it takes a minute to see what he means by crazy salad. He's saying the salad's not crazy, it's just that most pretty girls are crazy. And it's interesting because most guys are supposed to think that pretty girls are stupid, but Yeats thinks they are crazy. And I'm like, is that progress? But then I read about Maud Gonne, because Yeats is talking about her all the time, every poem is about her, practically; and he told her that men would always love her yellow hair even though she wanted them to not notice it so much. It was probably blond not yellow but poets are weird. She always had birds sitting on her shoulders, or whatever, so maybe he got the canaries mixed up with her hair. That's what I mean about writers, they're always coo-coo (I wrote "cuckoo" first, but then I thought that shouldn't be pronounced coo-coo). But Maud was crazy. She had this "spiritual marriage" with Yeats but she never would fuck him. I mean they both loved myths and talking about faeries, but she only kissed him once, in his sleep. She was always seeing ghosts and having weird dreams, like this one where she told Yeats, right after she kissed him in his sleep, that she was about to receive "the initiation of the spear." Like she was just asking for it, right. The spear. Get real, girl. But Yeats never would just jump her, so she married this other bozo and wouldn't sleep with him and he became a drunk, of course. And Yeats never even had sex until he was like thirty, and I'm thinking maybe it's his towers that were toppling, you know. But people were messed up back then. The Victorians. They hardly ever had sex. That's why they had so much time for other stuff, writing good books and painting beautiful pictures and planning wars that now seem pretty much pointless. I mean how many times can England and France fight eachother and nothing ever change. They've been fighting since whenever, since Katherine Hepburn was that queen in Lion in Winter, and the fucking English channel is right where it was then, you know it hasn't moved. It's like, get a clue.
But the reason I brought up Maud Gonne is I was thinking she was nice and elitist at the same time. She was always working for the poor and the homeless, and Irish against English, and womens rights and all that, but she was also pretty uppity. She was famous for being stuck up. You know Yeat's sisters thought she was a big phony bitch. Yeats told her that the people followed her because they thought she was a goddess, a real one. She was the original looks with attitude. He thought that was cool, because he believed in aristocracy, where some people are better than others. He said people want leaders, and that is what she was born to do. But then later he thought maybe she just wanted attention. He was mad because she wouldn't marry him ever, or at least blow him, so he decided maybe she wasn't nice. The thing is, maybe she did want attention but there are a lot of ways to get attention and most of them aren't too nice. I mean at least she wanted to help out people and Ireland and women. She could have just been a movie star and made a bunch of money. You never know what people are like unless you know them, and even then maybe you don't know.
May 5
Jeffrey Ainsworth got arrested again, for crack. I didn't even know people at Windwood did crack. I hardly even know what it is, except that its like cheap coke. Jeffrey's in deep doo doo this time. I don't know if his dad can get him off for crack. Maybe since he's only 17. He'll probably have to go to military school or something. That's what happened to Bobby Carrolton.
May 9
God, I got so drunk last night with El. I don't usually like to get drunk and Eliot hardly ever drinks, but I think he thought I was getting bored and so he bought this really good wine for a change. He bought two bottles of this French stuff, and we tried to speak French but he's forgotten mostly everything and I don't know shit. I can take tests and stuff but I can't speak it at all, it's really stupid. You would think after three years I would know something. I had to like think of every word first. He also bought this pate that was delicious (I hate that word, and if I ever say delish shoot me to Mars immediately). The thing is after the two bottles we were so drunk we couldn't even do it. I have no tol and Eliot even less. The bed was spinning and Eliot was getting sick so we went to sleep. I woke up about midnight and went home. I felt like shit. Mom asked where I was and I said Starbucks. It actually worked. Parents trust Starbucks for some reason. I'll have to remember that.
May 10
Di thinks she has something wrong so she's going to the clinic. She thinks Spencer gave her the cooties maybe. School's out in two weeks and then I will officially be a senior (unless I flunk English).
May 12
62 today! I'm the fucking vocab queen of the universe. If I can score 70 again on math, that would be 194.
May 13
Eliot told me the SAT is 100 points easier than when he took it. They changed the scoring because the average had dropped so far below a thousand. So they just moved the average up. Like if you would have scored 900 in 1990 or whatever, they give you 1000 now. He said because of that there were like 10 times as many 1600's. I said good, I need all the help I can get. He said it wasn't so good because people don't remember how stupid they are, which is the one thing they really need to know. I have to take SAT practice tests, too, and they aren't harder they are just longer. I have a hard time giving a damn for that long. A PSAT score of 194 should translate to a 1320 or even better, but I can't get above 1200 yet. My verbal is still at 500. Eliot scored 1420. That's 1520 now. So I have a way to go. I shouldn't be so competitive, I guess. I was just thinking, it's weird they only test for math and verbal. Like those are the only skills in the world. Life is so narrow and it just keeps shrinking.
May 14
Mr. Holmes gave me a couple of old UIL math tests to look at. They were so totally impossible, I almost choked. It was all calculus and like really tough trig. I knew about three questions out of 100. Mr. Holmes said that was alright, he would load me up with books. We had almost a year until the tests that count. I said whatever. Don't place any bets with grandmas money.
May 16
Di has gon (she's a goner). She has to take penicillin is all. She said it felt like a U infection, except not as bad. She said some girls don't have symptoms at all. And I was like, that's the kind of STD I can live with. She was like, it's not funny, Mary. If you have an STD for very long you can get cancer and other things. I was like, sorry! Plus I'm not sure I believe it. They tell you so much shit that's not true just to scare you, you don't know what's true anymore. Then I started to think that maybe I had something, you know without any symptoms. I'm a time bomb. I got scared that I would get cancer and die. Then I thought fuck it. I'm already probably getting cancer from so many unknown things in the air and the water and from plastics and gas additives and oil spills and hormones in the milk and dioxin in the carton, what am I supposed to do, hide under the bed. If I can't eat and breathe and have sex, I might as well get cancer and die. Who cares anymore.
May 17
Mom said don't be so precocious, and I go, good vocab word, Mom. And she's like, don't sass me, I still have something to say about your car. And I'm like (to myself) she only wakes up from her TV stupor long enough to figure out what to hold over me.
May 20
Di told Spencer about the gon, and he goes, I know. And she goes, why didn't you tell me then, fuckhead. And he's like, are we still friends? And so she kicked him right in the kneecap and he was going to beat her up but he couldn't walk. It's probably just as well. Di would have kicked his little ass. She told me she has this punch to the throat that can kill a guy in like two minutes. I don't think I'd want to be her boyfriend.
May 21
When I was with Eliot today I was thinking about Di kicking Spencer. I don't think I would ever want to fight Eliot. Guy's are just so big, some of them. I mean Eliot is not huge, but there's no way I could fight him. Unless I was like a blackbelt and supertough. But who wants to do that. The only reason I would be a blackbelt is so I can kick someone's butt, but then they teach you not to use it for violence. If you're not going to use it for violence, what the fucking point? And I just don't see studying so that I can fight. Taking a class in fighting. It seems too strange. I think girls who take those courses are stupid, most of them. If you take a course in self-defense, where you're not being violent, you're just asking for trouble, I think. Some girls like Di are pretty tough, because they're mean and pretty big and really fast. But if you're not mean and then you say something to a guy who is bigger than you, a blackbelt won't mean shit. A girl like me can kick a guy in the nuts, I guess, but guys are probably on to that by now, any guy that would be picking on girls. If you block with your leg you can't get kicked in the nuts. We have to learn about five years worth of tricks and a guy learns to protect his nuts and its all even. Try to kick a big hairy guy anywhere else hard enough where it will really hurt. It's not so easy. I would just get a gun. I think you just have to watch where you go. Sometimes when I am walking home at night I wish I had a gun, just in case some crazy man drove by when no one was around. If a guy tried to rape me I would kill him and not even feel guilty for a second. I would kick him after I killed him, the bastard. Maybe it's because I'm Irish. I wonder if Maud Gonne ever got raped or something. I never could figure out why she was so down on sex. Her Mom died when she was little, maybe you have to be taught to like guys. I don't think so. She loved her daddy. I hate my daddy and I love guys. I liked Dad when I was little, I guess. Maybe that saved me. I wonder if she liked girls?
May 28
God kids are so smart. I was walking over to ShopNSav, by that little green, and this tiny little girl who couldn't have been more than five runs up to me with this homemade sign that's all flooping over (I meant flopping but I like flooping, I'm going to develop a whole new language). She had to scream and hop when she saw me even because she could just tell I would buy what she was selling. I was a hippy girl and I needed an origami cup. That's what the sign said: Origami cups, 2c. I couldn't read it because it was all floopy, so I said "what?" while she was hopping. She flattened it out and read it to me. She said "Origami cups, 2 dollars, I mean 2 cents." It was written in kid's writing, you know with the letters too tall and spindly and kind of waving, knocking up against eachother like they're telling secrets or hopping. But origami was spelled right. That kid was pretty smart. And the cups were folded right too, so you could really put something in them and they would be pretty strong. She and her friends had gone to the ATM and got a bunch of thrown-away receipts, that were pretty square, and folded them into origami cups. And now they were selling them. A real little guy ran up to me, her little brother or something, and he didn't have a shirt on, just these cool jams and a necklace. I mean he was probably like 3. He held out his hands and I put the pennies in them, one, two, I counted out loud. He was so excited he had to run away and show his friends how rich he was. How do kids get so smart when they are about five or six and then so stupid when they are 15. I don't understand it.
June 3
I got another letter from Margaret. School got out last week so I am home during the day and I have been checking the mail, so that if I got another letter Mom wouldn't see it and ask a bunch of questions. Who is writing you from Sacramento. Do you have a boyfriend we don't know about about, someone from the Internet. If you think I want to hear that, forget it. I wish she could just Email me, but she probably forgot my Eaddress and I can't write her back and give it to her because she wont leave a return address of course. Plus maybe she can't get on a computer where she is. She said she is in a different town now. I think it is Portland, but I don't know for sure. I'm just guessing. That's what the postmark said, but maybe she slipped it in there on the fly, on her way to the airport. Who knows. She said since it is summer she mostly lives on the street with this other girl who makes stuff out of beads, you know. She has a hemp sleeping bag from that place she worked. I wonder if she stole it. She said her hair is in dreds now and I probably wouldn't recognize her. She said she is thinking of going to Canada (Vancouver, I guess). She said she met this guy but he was on heroin and she was afraid she would get hooked if she slept with him much, so that's why she left Sacramento. She said he was nice mostly, but she was healthy enough for a change and she didn't want to die yet. She said if it was here with her parents she probably would have tried it and got hooked. She said she would be dead if she stayed here. That's why I'm glad she left.
June 5
That guy Ronald Davidson was at 7/11, the guy from trig who left the note in my chair. He saw me and kept following me. He ran up outside and asked me what I was doing this summer. He still had this heath bar in his hand that he forgot to pay for. I said, nothing. He's like, Oh. Then he said, are you going to be on the math team. I said, I'm thinking about it. The guy from the register comes out then and goes hey, dude, you gonna pay for that candy bar? And Ronald goes, Oh, yah, sorry. Then he gets kind of nervous and he just goes, I think you're the sexiest girl I've ever seen. And he then he runs in to pay for the heath bar. The boy has nerve. He kind of said it to my sandals, but still it was pretty brave. I was impressed. I decided to wait for him, to see what happened next. Plus, he was a little bit cute when he was talking. When he came back out, I go, yah, why's that? Not mean or anything, just kind of curious, because I didn't believe him at all, I just figured I was about the best he thought he could do, him being a brain and all and not so hunky. He goes, Um, I don't know, you're just really smart, but you don't look like it. I go, what? And he goes, I mean you don't look like other smart girls. I mean you're very cute for a smart girl. I mean any girl. There's other prettier girls, I guess, but they aren't so nice to look at. I mean they're nice to look at, but not like you. You're different. And I'm thinking, that's a pretty good answer. Not too cool, but pretty good. I'm chugging my IBC, thinking, this is different, this boy says what's on his mind. Even if he is kind of nervous. So I quit playing the girl game and asked him what he was doing this summer, to be friendly. He said he was going on this trip with the German club next month and now just reading a lot and playing tennis some. I said, you play tennis? He goes, yah. I said where? He said at Fairfield. I said, you belong to Fairfield? I'm at The Lakes. He goes, yah? Don't they have indoor courts there? I go, yah, eight of 'em. He goes, that's cool, It's been raining a lot. I said, are you on the team here. He goes, yah, I'm number four. I mean I was number four. Chad Goldman and Pete Feringhaus graduated, so I'll probably be higher next year. I don't know. How come you're not on the team? Then he goes, I mean you're not on JV are you? I go no, and I could see him relax. If I was on JV he would have looked like a big snob, but I didn't care. I like snobs. I mean I like guys to be confident.
Anyway, I told him I was pretty good but I was better at cross country and I liked cross country better, so I didn't compete except in the summer. I told him I won the junior thing at the club last year and he goes, Wow. You want to play sometime? We could play at Fairfield, there's always a lot of courts, everybody plays golf now. I mean golf is much more popular now. I said sure, and if it rains we can go to The Lakes. I said, do you have a car? He goes yah, it's a piece of shit, but it's light so I can push it fast. I laughed, and I thought, cool, he's funny, too. Eliot isn't too funny. Eliot thinks I'm funny, which is good, but he doesn't joke around too much. Me and Ronald are supposed to play on Thursday. He will pick me up. Even if he stomps my ass and I hate him, at least my Mom will meet him and then maybe I'll have a another cover story. I can make her think we are dating for about a year before she figures out I only went with him to Fairfield once.
June 8
Me and Ronald played today. He stomped me of course but it was pretty fun. He took me to Fairfield which is nice but not as nice as The Lakes. That sounds snooty but that's it. It didn't rain. It was super hot so there was like only one other court full. These old people playing doubles, you know hardly moving. With those little floopy hats on made out of terrycloth and about a hundred wristbands. Ronald got new balls so that was cool. I asked him if I could call him Ron and he said he preferred Ronald. He asked if he could call me Mar, as a joke. I said I preferred Marald. He didn't play too hard at first. I think he was just fooling around. He said he couldn't concentrate because I was so fine. If some guy at the mall said that, you know with the jive voice and the smackin gum, I would think he was a loser. But Ronald said it in this way where it didn't bother me too much. I told him I wouldn't like him if he didn't play better than that. So he started killing the ball. I couldn't even hit his first serve. He aced me like six times in a row. Then I told him I wouldn't like him if he didn't knock it off. So he started playing like before. He said he couldn't win.
I wore this super short skirt and Ronald said I looked better than Kournikova. He said next to me, she was a cow. He said she was really starting to fill out. He said her head was getting too big. Not like her ego, but actually her whole head, like her face was wider. He said Russian girls get real wide faces. He said, like Nadia. I said Nadia was Romanian. He goes, Oh. He's weird, but the thing is I think he means it. I think he really thinks I look better to him than Anna Kournikova. Probably because I'm there and she's not. She's never going to fuck him. But I don't think he understands that. He was totally excited, and I have to admit I was getting into it. It's weird how a weird guy can make you believe you are so pretty. Playing tennis with Ronald maded me feel like I was in the Great Gatsby or in Annie Hall, I was playing these dumb games with him, like telling him "I won't like him if..." What am I, eight years old? Wearing petticoats? Still, I liked it. I was Jan Brady.
June 9
I don't think Ronald reads too much. That's the thing. Almost no one reads as much as I do. Eliot reads a lot. I don't think Ronald would even know who Gatsby was. If we didn't read it in English, forget it. But he's good at math. And science. He's taking physics next year. He's going into Engineering. He wants to go to MIT. I told him I was graduating early. He goes, you are? Like heartbroken. He looked like Roy when you put him out. He's such a sweetheart. If he knew about Eliot he'd probably kill himself. Anyway, it's good for my ego. I think my ego is probably too big in some places, and then in other places it is tiny. It's like one of those tumors or one of those gourds, you know, with big fat lobes and then little tiny ones. Ronald makes me feel like the center of attention and I never feel that way really. I can be pretty crazy and say stuff to people sometimes, and sometimes act like a bitch, but I'm never popular, and Ronald makes me feel like a popular girl would feel, I think. I don't know.
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copyright 2001 by Melisa Smith. All rights reserved. Download for personal use only. No sale of copy or other re-publication.