Chappie 34- Recovery

“James, honey! ‘Magical Movers’ are here! Do you have all your stuff ready?” Lily called up the grand staircase.  She looked up at the chandelier and gave a huge shudder. Her stomach started twisting as she relived…the event.  The event that had turned the Potter household upside-down for the past week.  The house-elves had quit, as most of them harbored a secret hatred for Mr. Potter that they could finally make clear now that he was despised.  Mr. Potter himself had not shown up since…the event, and James began to feel such an undying hatred for the man.  What kind of person does those despicable things to a fragile woman?  Emilia Potter was fragile, breakable…Thomas just shattered her heart one too many times.  Lily, meanwhile, felt completely unnecessary in their household.  She simply didn’t fit in anywhere.  All she did was cry.  Whenever she heard somebody say “Shakespeare”, “Eagles”, “Dream”, even “Potter”.  She couldn’t control it anymore.  She would just picture the unearthly Mrs. Potter, hanging limply from the chandelier…and think of how she would never get advice from Mrs. Potter again, never talk to her again, never love her again.  She couldn’t control the floodgates anymore.

            James, on the other hand, was reacting in a manner exactly the opposite from that of Lily.  He wouldn’t speak to anyone, not even Lily.  He shut himself off in the East Wing, his mother’s wing.  He spent all day staring blankly at her piles of journals and her fireplace and tea kettle.  He never actually read the journals, though part of him desperately wanted to.  James didn’t talk to Lily, he was scared.  He didn’t know what she would say.  She might give him pity, which he didn’t want, or maybe she would just cry, and make him cry.  He didn’t want to cry now, especially in front of Lily. James remembered that when he was younger, his father always used to say “Crying is a sign of weakness”, and would severely punish him if he let tears slip by.  Over the years, James built up a fear of crying, especially in front of his father.  His mother, he could be himself around her.  He missed her so much…she was everything.  Why did she have to go? Did she even know how much he loved her? He never told her, always supposing she knew.  But, what if she didn’t? What if she…left…not knowing? James refused to eat, refused to sleep, and spent all day thinking about these thoughts.  He was jogged out of his furious thoughts by Lily’s voice, sounding like it came from downstairs.  The movers were here.  Joy.  That doesn’t make any difference, he decided, switching on his mother’s phonograph.

“Oh baby, there you stand

With your little head down in your hands,

Oh my God,

I can’t believe

It’s happening again,

Your baby’s gone

And you’re all alone

And it looks like the end.

Back out on the street,

And you’re trying to remember

How we started over,

You don’t know if you can.

You don’t care much

For the stranger’s touch

But you can’t hold your man.

Never thought you’d be alone,

This far down the line

But I know what’s been on your mind,

You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time…

Autumn leaves have got you thinking,

About the first time that you fell,

You didn’t love the boy too much,

No no,

You just loved the boy too well.

Well, well, well.

So you live from day to day,

And you dream about tomorrow.

And the hours go by like minutes,

And the shadows come as days,

So you take a little somethin’ to make them go away.

I could have done so many things, baby,

If I could only stop my mind,

From wondering what I left behind,

And from worrying about this wasted time…

The love has come and gone…

And the years keep rushing on…

I remember what you told me

Before you went out on your own,

Sometimes, to keep it together,

You got to leave it alone.

So you get on with your search, baby,

And I can get on with mine,

And maybe someday we will find,

That it wasn’t really wasted time…”

(The Eagles- “Wasted Time”)

James sighed when the song stopped.  How appropriate…that song, in his opinion, was too whiny. But now, all he could do was sigh. He never realized how appropriate that song actually was, especially when you were in a position such as his.  He pressed stop on the phonograph, and reached for the record’s case, which was sitting on top of Emilia’s journal pile.  There was a note inside the record case, and James reached for it.  It read-

James, love-

            I knew this time would come.  It just came a little sooner than expected, now, didn’t it?  I’ve been having more frequent premonitions lately, and I know that I’ll be leaving you soon.  But, oh, honey, how I’ll miss you so! If I never got to say it, then let me say it now- You are my star, honey.  I’ll miss you to the depths of my soul.  I love you, and you are such a wonderful boy. I never expected you to turn out so well.  Your Lily is a prize, dear, I advise keeping her! She’s perfect for you. How lucky for you, to find your true love at such an early age.  I’ve lived forty years on this earth, and still haven’t found mine.  There are some things that I believe you need to know, because if you’re reading this letter, you have some insecurities that need quelling-

1) Honey, I know you love me…even if you don’t say it.  I don’t want you to mope about for months wondering, and so I’ll just tell you…I know.  I love you and Lily as well, and I will miss you both.

2) Your father and I were part of an arranged marriage. That’s why we don’t always get along…why you’re father’s always gone… I just want you to know, that if you do marry Lily, your life will be very different. 

3) Don’t view what I’ve done as a sign of weakness.  It isn’t.  After what I’ve gone through, I can’t take it.  Your father has been a horrible burden, and I really don’t know what to do.  It’s my only option.  And you know what? Your father is a total idiot, because crying is not a sign of weakness, or whatever he says.  That’s pathetic. If you need to cry, then you should.  It’s called answering your emotions, dear.

James, honey. I know you have a bright future ahead of you…prefect, Head Boy, Quidditch captain, whatever follows you will be bright.  Understand that just because I can’t be with you anymore doesn’t mean you can’t speak to me.  I’ll answer.  I’ll always answer.

With All of My Love,

Your Mother…who will miss you terribly.

James heard Lily keep calling him from downstairs.  Maybe it’s time to face her, he thought grimly.  When he got downstairs, Lily was helping load his stuff onto the Movers’ van.  James couldn’t take this house, and he had transferred his guardianship to the Blacks.  Daria Black was his mother now…he loved Sirius’ family, but they just would not replace his own.  James had taken the liberty of taking Emilia’s things…he knew that she would have wanted him to have them.  Lily smiled up at him, “Long time, no see, honey.”  James just looked blankly past her.  He wanted to hold her, be with her, but…was it too soon?  He felt like he should be grieving more than he already was.  Missing his mother was like a constant heartache, but Lily was always crying.  He felt like he wasn’t feeling enough, he wasn’t crying all the time, and it was his mother! He managed a small smile at Lily, and that was enough for her.  Lily hopped into the middle seat of the moving van.  She was staying at the Blacks house for a couple weeks for moral support.  James took in a deep breath, and hopped into the passenger seat…it was time to go to the Blacks house, and face the music.