No matter how many times i tell myself i am doing
things for the better..i know in my heart i am
not..sure was always happy with you..just to be with
you fills my world up with joy happiness and love.
But..where is that going to get us?,,,you are married,
have kids, you may not be happy..but you have someone.
as for me....i dont have to tell you what i am..lonely, lost,
and confused. And most of all trying to find myself.
You once said to me be true to myself. So the truth is
i am going to say it whether you agree so or not...I
am a slave to one and only one. i am not a kajira..one
who serves all..but i am a slave. and to you..was a
love slave completely and totally..but..you said that
i am too much free-willed, on my own..and you know
something you are absolutly right..i am..and the only
reason i was..is because..i was allowed to be. I am
not fighting here, blaming you, or blaming myself..but i
am going to state the facts..i needed more
control..always did..and in a sense..that is why i
kept going partially back to gor..because i needed
that balance..of extreme slavery (gor)..to the balance
of the freedoms in BDSM..because i am not a kajira..i
am not a sub..i am me..melanie..who loves you dearly.
I am not saying that it is wrong to love, that what
we had was wrong..but you know..we cant remain the way
we been going..it just cant be Master...we have no
future together..no matter how much i would just love
to meet you..just once..even if it is for coffee and a
nice hello. And honestly..if you ever do decide to
leave your wife..which i know you wont even if you
wanted to..you would be too guilty to do anything
else...i dont know..i just think that if you truly
decide to make that kind of transition in your
life..which will effect your life for the rest of
your..as well as your kids, and your wife..i just dont
know how you will deal with it.you would need to get
your life back together again.
But will give you a word of advice if i may...you
cant lead the life of your kids..and if your marriage
is really unhappy...staying together...does that prove
to your kids what a healthy marriage is?....staying
will ruin them..leaving will ruin them...question
is..what are you going to do about yourself..for
remember..in 10 years or so..your kids are gone..they
will lead there own life.
..i am going to throw back your own words back to
you..Be true to yourself Master.....
ok..enough of that..for i am not putting this on you
and dont ever want you to think i am..and hope you are
not blamining me.
But Master..i need to get away..is it not best to
break it now..we brokd it off a few weeks ago..and
honestly breaking it off i lost more then just a name,
a collar, and you...i lost myself completely..and in a
search for finding myself....i tried the past 4 weeks
to find it in the BDSM rooms..but found nothing but
even more misery..and hate ...being that i wanted to
start all over again...but Master ..there are demons
from the past which plagues my soul now more then
ever..
and finding myself is in Gor..cant find a Master
till i find myself...and honestly..not going to rush
anything..i think the best thing for me to do is wait
till i am ready then join every damn club,
scene dungeon..organization i can...probably the best
for me..for i have to get my life back together...and
need to do it quickly for i am killing myself
emotionally as well as physically..*sigh*...i now
gained more weight then i ever did...i look
terrible...i am constantly crying up a storm...and
worst of all grey hair is constantly popping
up..*sighs*
I am being true to myself Master..i am taking back
everything i lost..and going to try to get back my
life...
The only thing i want to say Master..to conclude
this letter..is a Thank you..in fact that doesnt even
cover the thanks i have for you..in this year you
taught me something that i will never forget in my
life. You helped me bring out feelings that i have
never felt before awakening a cold spirit deep
within..and lighting it up with a pasionate loving
fire. I have never loved anyone as much as i did
you..and it was through you that i was able to feel,
experience, enjoy..and not be ashamed of the feelings
i have. You have taught me to appreciate what a
persons body can do for them the excitement that they
can get completely. you have given me the light in my
life...although that light is now still gone..and
going to try to find it again..the memories of what we
had i will never forget as long as i live. Those
memories of you will always be in my mind.
Most of all Master..as i clutch on to your picture
at times..reading the letter that in your own hand
writing wrote to me..i will always remember..that i
love you with all of my heart and you bring joy and
happiness to my world.. I love you..and in my heart
you will always be my Master..and only hopes you can
forgive me for everything Master...
there is so much i wish to write..for i feel that
closing this letter..will be the end forever..but in a
sense it is...so as you are going to be strong for the
both of us....i will to...Master..you dont have to run
away from yahell..i am giving you the choice...for i
will not contact you if you come on...but if you truly
wish to speak to me..i am here..and will always be
here. So if you find that you wish to go into the
rooms when you are on...please do if that would make
you happy..for i dont want to deny you of any more
happiness then i did already...
I love you Master..and some where i will always be
on..just pm me
Wishes you well..have a wonderful day..and good
luck on your journies..know that i love you my
deartest Master..and only wish for you to be happy in
your heart.
As a note this was written November 22, 1999. ironically two days before a girl met her Master..*smiles*...times have changed, as she had change..but she shares this with all to show the transition of how people do indeed change.