::: If Men truly ran the world :::

• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time." would pretty much do it.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
• St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
• Garbage would take itself out.
• Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
• The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
• Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Two words... "Ally McNaked".
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off."
• People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
• Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
• Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
• Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
• The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
• It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.