27-AUG-2005 I think this will be my last entry. Whatever has brought me here has served it's purpose. I don't need to meet new people or impress anyone. Those I have and treasure will always be there. Just as I was for as long as I can remember, I wear my heart on my sleeve, & I wouldn't change a damn thing. I'm truly in love when I can smile and encourage what will completely ruin me. What will leave me completely empty & worthless. That's my only secret. It will be the only one that will maintain my state of being coma tosed until I no longer have to say good-bye. This was meant to be FYEO. I'll let you slip away, I think it will be a million times easier if I don't see you anymore. It'll feel like it's not really happening, but it also won't hurt half as much. I will tell myself that you don't miss me & that you're ecstatically happy. However, whatever disbelief I'm repressing, I know it'll all be for the best. I don't know what to say anymore. I know you're going through exactly what I am. Wish me luck because I chose to dedicate my life to you with $110 in my pocket leaving my reality behind me 6 years ago - less a week from now. I think it may be best that I disappear & not be a downer for the rest of the people that I love. The only thing that will break this endless cloudy spell is when I know that I won't worry about when I'll get to see you again. o oi lay yu pak wei. 23-AUG-2005 Things really are starting to fall into place. Props to Fatty for opening up my eyes last Thursday to make me realize that grudges really aren't worth holding onto. I heard sis is going to be a bridesmaid next year. Sorry, don't u just love the song in my guestbook? K, show's almost on. G'nite. 21-AUG-2005 Once again, I catch my breath or don't feel half as much in a daze or a daydream as I did in the past. Today was the day that my brother ran his one & only marathon, & we hung out with J, M, & the d's most of the day. Smitty's Sunridge is harsh for i.d.-ing people. I'm beginning to not only understand, but implement advice that has been given to me over the years. I feel as liberated as I did before someone, I thought for the longest time, had permanently ruined my life & taken all my confidence away. Thoughts and actions can be contagious, whether poisonous or positive. Instead of feeling sadness or sorrow, it's not worth it to let those attitudes get in the way of what great feats we have in front of us. I'm beginning to implement the love I have & what the Lord asks of us. Lord willing, it will be a long journey. I'm nearing hopefully a quarter of my life. Whatever... time for bed ;) 20-AUG-2005 Heehee, don't u just LOVE the song in my guestbook? Yesterday I was too exhausted to come online to keep in touch. Yesterday was Friday, I woke up, got ready, hit the laundymat, rushed back home, got Joy, went to Roger's to not end up buying a movie, went to Dan's for barBQ, went to Coffee Cafe, & that was about it. Today we just got groceries & hit Canadian Tire for some car stuff. So yeah, exciting times. MAN it's freakin hot right now. I think it would even be too hot for golf at this point, but we'll see when I get back. Time to attempt to study. Have a good weekend guys! 18-AUG-2005 [ENTRY 1] It's amusing to see that people from my past are still alive. In a way, I miss the lack of exclusivity I had in Calgary. Obviously, I'm far from a celeb, but there are WAY too many people that I know in Edmonton for my own good. Oh yeah, yes, I made it to Calgary safely & should be fringe-a- go-go-ing it up sometime next week. I know this weeks going to go by way faster than I want it too, but you guys have fun while I'm away! Don't have too much fun without me. [ENTRY 2] Had a blast today catching up with Joyce. We walked through Chinook which should be the "nice" mall, it's the WEM of Calgary, but as soon as we went through the door, these teenagers were playing cards barefoot. We thought it was quite ghetto, Jay's all, "What is this?? Where are we, Marlborough?". Went through Chinook killing time until our restaurant choice, Palatal opened. Still pretty full - all u can eat Mongoli grill food, choose your own sauce on noodles. Do NOT get sushi there! It was presented nicely, 17 peices of sashimi in a huge martini glass over ice for $25 on top of the all you can eat that we ordered. The host has a wicked wicked Australian accent through. It's easy to just be caught up in him talking, not in what he says. Suntzu's getting old, she's puking or dry heaving for no reason, Jay says it's just to get attention. Poor sweetheart, she didn't even have enough energy to bark at me when I was walking up to the house. I finally got my mark back, I'm sure it was only one question wrong, so I'm ready to do my acute care practicum - whenever or wherever it may be. I'm missing everyone at the same time because I want to just get it over & done with. Also because I take my studying seriously & am a boring loner to stay in "the zone" of studying. Another chapter of my life closes today as I'm packing the last of my remains from Calgary - Sandy & Wendy are coming back together. In a way, it's reassuring to know that I've gotten through dealing with difficult people & my attitude wasn't nasty enough to permanently chase Jay away. I've told Tuan that I'm typing lightly & more slowly than I typically do because honey's sound asleep beside me. Much love to you all. Gnite. 16-AUG-2005 Another wonderful day of rain - how therapeutic. I wrote my second last LPN class exam EVER today, it's that irritating nail-biting waiting for my marks time. It could be the same day, it could be 3 days from now - regardless, I'm online checking my e-mail much more than I'd like to. Heading to Calgary tomorrow, it feels like my weekend already ;) It gets harder & harder to come back. We'll see how this trip goes, I may possibly spend the rest of the year there then come back. That's my plan anyways, based on the results of talking to them before the national exam. Much love, I miss everyone at the same time because I don't know where the heck I'll be in a few months time. Sweet dreams 15-AUG-2005 Heehee, once again it's the end of my workweek. K, SERIOUSLY guys, I need a big kick in the ars cuz I'm doing all but studying. Too excited to see fai fai I guess. Man, things only happen in Edmonton when I'm out of town too! U guys need to come down with me, eat some barBQ. The guys can do it up, espcially with a Showtime Rotisserie (honestly, it works!!) K, enough farting about or I'll never get anything done... Hope no one STALKS ME TODAY. Don't you just hate when people hit up your page and don't say anything? lol, please, there's enough me to ignore you even when you do say something. Point being, if you know hockey, it's like a business venture, shared knowledge = good. I make u money if u make me money. Simple as uncle Bob's cherry pie. K, k, for real now. I'm staying off um, I mean studying for as long as I can. "You've made me what I am" 14-AUG-2005 [Entry 1] It is that time of the week where I'm happy to veg & prepare for whatever whirlwind of a week is in store for me. I can honestly say I'm happy where I'm at & I'm happy for everyone else I've met through whatever walks of life. Things happen for a reason, God put certain people in my life & have kept them there for a reason. All I'm going to say to the people in my past is I'm sorry if I upset you, I'm sorry for the stupid things I've done. I know I've done more harm to people I have loved over the years than those who didn't care about me. In a way, I still see the good in you & I still love you. Every idiotic decision I've made has lead me to where I am now. Even though I miss the hell out of you guys, we can't change the past. I'll look back & smile at the good times. [Entry 2] Today was a usual Sunday, hit church, went for lunch with the family, went shopping, napped. I wonder what happened with Agassi & Nadal?! Happy week! 13-AUG-2005 It is nearly 2am & my day hasn't really started yet. Man, yesterday was stupid fun, I have my phone back, but I seriously need to get out of here. As much as I love Edmonton & the people here, my mind & heart are where monkey period is. I've felt for a while that I have a blast here as drunken people do in the burbs, but there's nothing for people who stay. Although the majority of my family is here (real & fake), there's so much more to do. I've been known as the dreamer all of my life, but it's time that things begin to make sense. I'm a 23 year old trapped inside the mind (body's getting there) of a 35 year old (Dan says 40 year old for himself, so I'm not going to say 40). I love to learn & be moulded. I know that I'm far from normal (whatever that means), but I'm also human. We are capable of greatness, yet let everyday go by without really appreciating how our minds progress. Those of you who know me best know everything horrible I've had to say about everything in my life. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of damaging my body & brain, of negativity, of bad-mouthing & of being judgemental towards others. I'm sick of sex being all up in my face everywhere I go. However, all aspects of what I'm sick of make me human. Because you know as well as I do how great it is to be in Edmonton & to have the Oilers, I honestly couldn't go off about Edmonton & the people here enough when I lived in Calgary. Although I don't go off about Calgary as much, I truly miss how everyday I felt like a queen. Not just because of Jay, but because as they call it, we live like royalty there. As ignorant as the battle of Alberta is, there are so many different people there to meet from different walks of life. We ALL love the city, but not the people. We ALL hate the road rage. We all feel threatened by the increasing poverty levels. Everyday was trying - much like it is here. I find the battle of Alberta to be quite amusing. I love how my friends would defend Calgary even though they were born elsewhere. People are really easy to talk to. Everyday seemed like a debate about religion, politics, computers, cars, technology, sports, entertainment, & whatever else. Minds were challenged, and I know they still are. I've read somewhere that this is the decade of the mind, & I completely agree. "There is truth to my actions". Gnite guys, I pray for us as always. GO TIGER! 11-AUG-2005 Man, just got home from the Fat Joe "concert", man was that a gay ass waste of money. Rum Jungle sucks, it turned out to be WAY more hyped that it was supposed to be. $38, man, that's a tank of gas to Calgary. I'm at the moment of the day where I really miss Calgary, or Jay. But Calgary isn't the same without Dan or Jay. Honestly, it's not. I love the potential both of them have together, they know how to do things up. But really, there's no Calgary without Jay. The experience would totally suck without him. I don't go off about things here because both Edmonton & Calgary suck & are full of people who talk about leaving but don't. I hope & pray that people do, but ultimately they don't. Well, not for now anyways. I could go into a negative spiral of why both Edmonton & Calgary suck, but I'm not about to, instead I will focus on my disappointment in the media's influence on young people - namely Fat Joe. Because I promised not to mention that dumbass again, let's look at the bright side of today. We had fun curling Sarah's hair & going to Shell. Then going to Denny's & there was a rabbit holding a bottle that was shaped like something risque. I had an awesome day at work & I got a lot of productive studying hours into there. I improved my golf swing, but I think it feels like winter is nearing. Gnite all, sweet dreams. 10-AUG-2005 Today was a pretty laid back day. Watching RockStar:INXS, I was really impressed with Marty & Ty's performances. Good quality recap videos on the website are available. I finally got to talk to Jay ;) Looking forward to the concert tomorrow, then heading out of town Friday or so. Wish me luck in studying for yet another subject I have passed already! *sighs* Sweet dreams 9-AUG-2005 Counting down the days that I will be done school. It's funny that I don't say in-class because I've rarely gone even when I was in full-time. It is the first time that Mom knows how to use my cell phone, I got to cook for & get groceries with only Dad. It is the first time in a long time I didn't come home frustrated from a long shift at work. It is the first time I am able to get a hold of a good friend of mine from Calgary who is living here too(heehee, forgot to phone, too busy watching my gameshow reruns). Counting down the days until Fat Joe, then farting about in Calgary. Today is my Friday, so happy to be sleeping in. G'nite all 8-AUG-2005 And so the tattoo fetish begins. It'll be interesting to see what's next ;) So what makes today different from others? I woke up to the sound of hail pounding at my window. I'm froud of black queen for quitting her slave labour job. Walking around taste of Edmonton last month, the trip to the Bahamas specified one entry per household. So I entered one for me, one for hubby. Of course hubby received the congratulations call, I don't know how serious it is yet. hmmm, what else? Getting hyped about Fat Joe (who?!).. heehee, oblivious me is more excited about chilling with the ladies again. I felt baby kick, then she gets shy once hands are waiting for the next. I received a lecture about privacy on the internet, so I'm keeping this as full of nicknames as gay junior high as I possibly can. I finished updating this page around 3am yesterday, so gnite all, not really available to party until next month. |