Homesick

Title: Homesick
Author: Ginger Ninja
Archive: If you want it drop me a mail!
Time Frame: Obi is 23.
Feedback: Yup!

Obi's POV

Italics = Flashbacks OK? :)

First and foremost, thanks to Knight Maria and to Someday You'll Be Gone. I wouldn't have written
on if not for her :) (hugs)

I got the title after I re-read Rogue Planet. I always got the feeling that Obi-Wan was never entirely happy with what was going on around him and a lot of the time he seemed miserable. I don't really like RP that much anymore. The more I read it, the stronger those feelings become. Makes me uneasy...

Thanks for the feedback on Someday You'll Be gone. It was wonderful! :D (hugs for everyone!)

And there won't be a sequel. I won't be writing anything like this from Anakin's point of view because I don't particularly like the kid :)

*****

It was late yet here I was wondering around the halls of the Jedi Temple, with no particular destination in mind. Something inside compelled me to walk and keep walking till I found my peace. Never before in my life had I felt so lost and so alone in the place I had lived my life in. Everything had changed for me. Not even Cerasi's death had been this agonising. I mean, that was a terrible time and after that I prayed that I would never feel such pain again for many long, hard years.

It did not work out that way.

Five days ago my Master, the man who I loved like a father, was killed before my very eyes by a Sith. Since that day I had been knighted and taken my own Padawan, two events I never dreamed of doing without Qui-Gon there to see it all with that proud look on his face.

Wrong again.

Everything had been pretty crazy in the past days. Anakin and I had returned to the Temple earlier this evening after leaving Naboo (much to Anakin's disappointment. He's already missing Padm� dearly. They have a bond I've never seen in two people so young). He had been subdued upon arrival. He was tired from all that travelling and emotionally exhausted from leaving his mother, losing Qui-Gon and then having to leave yet more friends behind. I had hoped he would've been happy to return to the Temple knowing he was to be trained as a Jedi but he wasn't.

Neither was I.

I showed Anakin to our quarters, almost overcome with tears as we walked through the Temple corridors. We passed places I had grown up in at my Master's side, places I had fled to when I was upset and Qui-Gon would come and comfort me. We even passed the Infirmary. I'd lost count of the amount of times I'd been in there, either because I was injured or because Qui-Gon was. Time was such a funny thing and so very hard to keep track of. When was the last time I was in there? Four years ago? More than that maybe? Less? I shrugged; I couldn't really remember.

Anakin seemed to pick up on my mood as he too battled to keep the tears at bay. When we got home, I noticed the plate by the door still had Jinn/Kenobi residence. I'd have to get that changed soon, I thought, feeling another pang of misery within me. Opening the door and allowing Anakin to go in before me, he lost the battle of holding back his tears and started sobbing. I got down on my knees and pulled him into my arms. He wept and wept and I wanted to cry as well. But no, I was the Master now. I couldn't cry. I had to be strong for Anakin, for my Padawan.

How strange it felt to think that: my Padawan...

"I-I never thought I'd b-be here w-w-without M-Master Qui-Gon," Anakin stammered.

I hugged him tighter. "I know exactly what you mean Anakin. It doesn't seem real does it?"

He shook his head. "I wish it was all a dream and I'll wake up in a minute and he'll be here to tell me it was just a nightmare."

I froze. Did Anakin want Qui-Gon more than he wanted me? I shook my head. Of course he did. I wasn't anything like Qui-Gon. I hadn't been the one to free Anakin. I hadn't been the one who had stood up for him against the Council. No, that had all been Qui-Gon. In the Council all I had thought was how dare Qui-Gon just abandon me for Anakin after all those years? That one event had threatened to destroy our relationship. I'd never felt so betrayed. It made me wonder if Qui-Gon had only taken me as a Padawan because he felt sorry for me and had only pretended to care about me. I felt like that anxious twelve-year-old I had been: worried that I truly was a lost cause.

Qui-Gon and I had reconciled of course but before I knew it, he was gone. His dying words were of Anakin but he comforted me one last time when he brushed away my tears. I knew he loved me just as I loved him. My father died in my arms, certain that I could train Anakin when I was sure I wasn't ready.

We always had been opposites.

Anakin. Coming out of my stupor, I looked down and found him sleeping in my arms. There were tears still on his face and I gently dried them. Lifting him up, I took him into my room. Kicking various datapads out from under my feet (I hadn't had a chance to tidy up before Qui-Gon and I left for Naboo) I made my way over to the bed and placed Anakin on it. I pulled the sheets up around him and then left the room. It wasn't my room anymore, it was Anakin's. Qui-Gon's room was my own now. It felt so strange. I didn't feel right as I entered my deceased Master's room and looked around. There was an empty coffee mug on his small table as well as a datapad and a book.

All looked as if they hadn't recently been abandoned by Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan looked back up at the sympathetic faces surrounding him. He looked towards his Master's room.

"No Obi-Wan," a voice from the sea of faces said. "He's not in there."

Obi-Wan's voice was unsteady with barely restrained emotions. "Well then where is he?"

"Obi-Wan..."

"No! No he has to be somewhere!"

I gasped and fell to my knees as I remembered the dream I had had so many years ago. This time though it wasn't a dream and my Master wasn't going to come and hold me while I sobbed.

I knew I shouldn't cry but I couldn't stop the tears flooding down my face. I had never felt so out of place in my Master's room. I hadn't felt this homesick since I was on Melida/Daan. But the feeling grew worse and my stomach twisted. I was homesick in my own home.

Never coming home. Qui-Gon was never coming home. The realisation dawned on me, bringing another wave of howling tears to me. It was as if I'd never really figured that out before. My Master was Never. Coming. Home.

"Why?" I sobbed. "Why did you have to go Master?"

Waiting for the tears to die down, I traced patterns on the carpet with my wet finger. Nonsense shapes that I simply traced as tears dribbled down my cheeks. Anything to take my mind of what was going on around me. For a moment, I simply crawled into my own little corner and let the world pass me by.

It was as if someone had ripped out his soul and only returned part of it. The pain was unbearable.

I began to wonder what would happen to me as a person now Master was gone. Would I be the same Obi-Wan Kenobi I had been for the past twenty-five years? Maybe. A little gloomier though, less of a dreamer and more a realist. Older, more mature for sure. Boring? Maybe. But beneath all that I'd still be me. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Pada...Knight.

I've just seen more of the galaxy now. I've lost the idealistic view I had on things. Guess that's the difference between an adult and a child. A child has a blissfully ignorant and uncorrupted look on everything, whereas an adult is far more cynical.

I had managed to make a nice, wet pattern that sort of resembled a sad face on the floor and my tears were now drying so I was running out of supplies for my childish doodling. Getting up, I went and checked on Anakin. He was still sleeping and from what I could tell, he would remain that way for hours.

Good, I needed to go for a walk. I needed to clear my head; dispose of all the thoughts buzzing round my pounding brain.

Checking on Anakin one last time and finding him still asleep, I left.

***

Two hours later and I'm still moseying around the desolate Temple hallways, shoulders slumped as if I was returning from a particularly gruelling training session but in truth they were slumped due to sorrow. I didn't know why I continued to walk. Maybe on some subconscious level I thought I would find Qui-Gon walking around too, waiting for me. But the rational side of me knew that wasn't so.

Miracles like that never happened. At least not to me.

I sighed, a bitter sound. Was I really becoming so grim? Had I given up my love for life and everything around me? Qui-Gon would not have stood for that. "Padawan you need to stop moping around." That's what he would've said. "There's a whole galaxy alive out there while you slink around here like a sullen child. Cheer up young one," he would've smiled there and then. "Everything will be alright with time."

Ah, this would be where patience would come in. Patience and my name in the same sentence? Times really were changing.

Time. Yes, that was probably the thing that would make it all feel better. That's what happened with Cerasi. One day I woke up and for the first time I wasn't hit by all my grief. It was still there, lurking in my heart, but it seemed distant. In a way, I longed for the day when Qui-Gon's death would feel that way but I knew it was to be a long time before I felt that way. I knew it would be years before I could talk about what happened and not feel tears rise in my eyes or feel my chest and throat tighten with despair.

I stood still for a moment and closed my eyes, breathing deep. My eyelids were sticky but I ignored it. I needed to calm down and think rationally. Yes, I was absolutely devastated. No, I wouldn't feel better over night. No, Qui-Gon was not going to spontaneously rise from the dead just because I missed him so much. And yes, I had to get back to the apartment for Anakin. He needed me now more than ever.

Opening my eyes and realising I had a purpose for the first time since...that day...I quickly headed back home to my Padawan, something telling me that I needed to get there as soon as I could.

I reached my home and opened the door. I didn't need the Force to tell me that the boy was terribly distraught. I found him curled up on Qui-Gon's favourite chair in the main chamber, weeping forlornly.

"Anakin?" I called, my voice quavering ever so slightly. "Ani are you OK?"

His head peeked up and shiny, tear flooded blue eyes met mine. He flew out of the chair and slammed into my legs. "Oh Obi-Wan I didn't know where you had gone! I-I-I was s-scared. I-I thought m-maybe you were gone forever too."

I bent down and held him in my arms. I could feel his distress so clearly that all my own emotions hit me and I couldn't hold back my own tears. "I'm so, so sorry Ani," I whispered to him as he shuddered in my arms. "I shouldn't have gone out. I should have known. I promise I'll never, ever leave you again. Ever."

He leaned back and looked at me in surprise. He'd never seen me cry before. I guess I'd always come across as a little emotionless to him. I'd always cried when I knew I was alone. He told me as much right then.

"Sometimes Anakin, it's better to cry in the open," I explained. "To cry with someone and talk to them. I think I just realised it."

"It's just I miss Master Qui-Gon so much and I miss mom and Padm� so much too and everything's been happening so fast and I just feel so..."

"...Homesick," we concluded together.

I couldn't really explain how I felt in detail to Anakin so I simply said: "I miss my dad."

Anakin looked at me in surprise. "Qui-Gon was your father?"

I smiled in spite of my sobs. I'd forgotten how children take everything at face value. "He was the only person who ever really took care of me like a father does," I explained. "And I'd never really had a father until I met Qui-Gon. It took a few years but we became really close I loved him as much as you love your mum."

"I never knew," Anakin said. He then hugged me tighter. "Please don't go again Obi-Wan. It was so scary."

I lifted him up and sat back down on my Master's chair with Anakin on my lap. "Never."

He smiled at me and then made himself comfortable. "Thanks Obi-Wan."

I smiled and wrapped my robe over us like a blanket. "Thank you Anakin." I never knew how speaking to a child could be such a release. Over the coming months, I was sure there would be many nights like this but I knew everything was going to be alright. Anakin and I would do fine.

Anakin fell asleep in my arms and I soon started to drift off, feeling a warmth spread through my chest one more time bringing a smile to my lips.

Obi-Wan Kenobi. Jedi Knight, Master to Anakin Skywalker. It had a nice ring to it.

//Don't you worry Master, I'll make you proud. //

The warmth grew.

***The End***