Remember your first love? It was great, wasn't it? YOU had a significant other. The sun was a little brighter, birds sang a little louder, and maybe you got to have sex a lot. What a world.
Remember your first broken heart? It sucked ass, didn't it? YOU got ousted. The sun pissed you off, the birds made you want to kill yourself and you were horny and alone. Fuck the world.
I definitely did some heartbreaking, I'm sorry to say.
For those of you who have been wondering what happened with Aaron since the last journal entry, I just couldn't do it. The past few months have been so ugly, especially with him. I don't blame him for being angry with me all the time for the way I was acting...I was a jerk, I didn't expect him to be happy with the way I was behaving. But since Sam and I broke up, I have not felt right about things with him. I should have done what I wanted to do and permanently ended things back in December.
Clean slate. Fresh start. Mint on the pillow.
But as we all know, I didn't and things quickly got much worse with EVERYTHING. I would try and pull away and he'd look at me with his sad puppy eyes and I would just shrug and say "We'll see about us" when I've known for a while that "us" would not be. I wanted to keep everyone happy and telling him that kept him happy...but not me.
Let me just clarify that I love this guy to death. But over the past three or four months it has definitely become more of a protective older sister type of "I don't want anything bad to happen to my little brother" love, not a romantic "I've got to have you now" sort of thing.
Anyway, so while I was home last week, I tried being as nice as I could about it and saying "No, I don't want anything now" and the word "now" was a mistake. "Now" implies that there will probably be a LATER. So when is later, he wanted to know. "I don't know" is not a proper reponse to that.
I guess it was Sunday night and we were talking over IM and we got into the same discussion all over again and I'm not sure exactly what I said, but things finally clicked. Do you guys remember the Simpsons's episode where Lisa breaks Ralph's heart and Bart watches it over and over again on the VCR? Well, if it's possible to see that over IM like in the tape, I think I did.
Yes, I feel horrible. I hate for his first love to end in his first heartbreak, but I think it happens to almost everyone, right of passage and whatnot. I don't want to lead him on anymore, but I just hate to be "that girl" you know?
But this is still part of the The New Meg Revival. Cleaning up ALL of the loose ends and getting things straight, and I honestly think I am there. I think all of the old business is finally dealt with.
So while I feel like a jerk for hurting him (and I'll be going to hell for that, along with a good number of other things...Erin and Tray, start packing your bags!) I feel better. It's better, I'm better, and (forgive my ghettoness) but it's all good.
And it's about freaking time.
I think all the shaking is finally done, Erin :-)