Welcome to my life, ladies and gentlemen.
I've been really frustrated lately and it wasn't until a theraputic drive home last night that I acutally got a handle on what it is that's really been eating away at me.
Nothing is happening fast enough right now.
Graudation is May 8th
...and it's only September 28th. I'm done. I'm ready to graduate. I just want to graduate and get myself a little job somewhere in the world and start the rest of my life already. I have taken all of the courses I need. Next semester is just major required fluff and my senior thesis, which I have no idea for yet. But that doesn't matter because I'm ready to be done with school now and I've still got a semester and a half left.
This Weekend/Two Weeks from This Weekend/Two Weeks from Two Weeks Ago:
Unless I am currently with Aaron, then I am looking forward to seeing him again, which is every other weekend; which is basically every two weeks. And after he leaves, it's never soon enough that I get to see him. This situation (not him) has been frustrating as well. The two weeks drag by and no matter how fast I try to rush through my days, it doesn't make the time pass any faster. I think it's normal to be frustated about things like this, especially when you just want to be with the person you love.
On my drive home yesterday I came to the realization that the heartache and loneliness I feel during the two weeks apart (1) make our visits that much better and (2) that I am happy to be with someone who I love so much that it bums me out when we're apart. Most of you are familiar with the disposible boyfriends of the past who didn't effect me emotionally one way or another. But Aaron is completely different from all of those idiots in the past, which is why missing him so much is a new concept.
I think all that makes sense, but i could just be confusing everyone too)
The Big 21
I don't care about being 21 so I can legally drink. That's been going on illegally for years and I've already been to bars. The novelty of that has already worn off. But what being 21 means for me is that on weekends that are not Aaron weekends, I can actually get out of my house and socialize with my friends because that's where they all are. These past few weeks have been hell because I'm been stuck at my house being bored. Now I will be the first to admit that a quiet night in, especially after a long week, is more appealing to me. I'd much rather veg out on the couch, but that gets lonely after a few weeks of doing it in a row. Staying at home is not a choice. But once I'm 21, I can go out with my friends and just get out of the house and socialize if I want to. And if I want to stay home...I will. But staying home will be a choice and not something forced upon me because I am numerically undesirable. After October 4th, being a hermit will be a choice! ;-)
You know, it seemed like there was a lot of other things that just weren't moving fast enough, but those are the big three right now. What it really comes down to is that I'm done with being in college. I want to see where my life is going to go next. And unfortunately, the first phase of that can't even begin until the end of August 2004 ...and it's September 2003.
The 40 year old in my head is telling me to enjoy this now, but it's hard. I've always acted and thought ahead of my age (the best proof of that is my love of The Golden Girls since age 6) and even though there are juniors who are older than me, it doesn't mean that I'm not mentally ready to get the hell out of here.
But that can't happen. So while I can't speed up life (or two weeks timespans), I can at least try and fill the next semester and a half with things that keep me busy and amused so I don't realize that I still have months to go. Right now I'm helping with the creation of a television production club at ESU. It's in the beginning phases and productions probably wont start until the Spring, but it's something I love and it keeps me busy and off the streets.
It also gives me things to write about in my journal.
Frustration = Inspiration...or some shit like that.