Okay, so I know the cloud background is totally cheesy, but I wanted something different...I needed some CHANGE. Yes, I said it. She who hates change wants change. Actually, some things around here have changed and I'm much happier about them. I know my journal entries have been a bit sketchy lately, but for the first time in a long while I feel like I can sit down with a clear head and write and share and say what I've should have said before.
So Josh and I broke up on Monday. Okay...show of hands here...how many people actually knew we were together? Yeah, that's what I thought. Very few of you. Okay, hands down. Next question...how many people out there are thinking (or have been thinking) "What the hell is Meg doing?" Wow...that's a lot of you. Good participation everyone. You all get an A+ and a cookie.
You know what...I didn't know what the hell I was doing either. That's a very good reason very few people knew what was going on because I didn't want to tell anyone because I was confused myself. And then one night I found myself going to bed as the girlfriend of someone that I wasn't really sure that I liked. Don't get me wrong, Josh is a really nice guy, fun to hang out with, but not what I'm looking for and not someone that I was ever completely comfortable around...sober anyway. Differences in personality and whatnot. Anyway, so after all the shit with the broken nose and EVERYONE learning that I had been seeing Aaron off and on again for about a year and a half, it seemed logical that we would cut our losses, "Nice to have met you", and given up.
But no.
I have to be the person that is always trying to make everyone else happy, which is something I have sort of known, but I didn't think it applied in situations like this. But lately, I've been realizing many of the decisions that I've been making regarding relationships and stuff are not in my best interest but in trying to make others happy. And maybe they were happy for a while, but I haven't been. I fought and I thought I tried to make the Josh thing work, but it wasn't and I wasn't entirely sure why. I thought I was doing what he wanted...but I wasn't really because it wasn't what I wanted.
(that sentence makes sense to me, but I may have just lost a lot of you...sorry)
So me being miserable in Stroudsburg wasn't really working out and I kept saying that I was going to break up with him (especially since my roommates and Jamasyn said they were sick of hearing me talk about doing it and then NOT doing it) and I don't know...I was/am sick and didn't feel like dealing with confrontation AND congestion.
So Monday night I'm in bed sleeping with my headache and Aimee comes in and hands me the phone and tells me it's Josh and that's it's an emergency. I'm thinking something horrible happened to Erin or Bob or Jeff or someone and he says "Hey, I think we should end this" and I said "Okay...was that the emergency?" and that was that. We chatted for a little bit...no hard felings, etc, and that was. I feel like a pansy ass because I should have done it and I should have done it sooner, but as I said to Ruth "I may be chicken shit, but at least I'm single now!"
And I'm happy now.
H-A-P-P-Y...like Gilmore
Mmm...Adam Sandler.
Okay, there was a point to all this. The point is that I'm still going to be nice to people, but I'm done making people happy when it makes me miserable. It's not entirely clear to me where I'm heading from this point, but it's only good places that I want to go. I'm going to do what I want to do. And though it may seem like I've been doing that, I really haven't.
It feels good to be back
~Goodbye Earl~