Yes, Sam and I broke up this weekend.
Don't feel bad for me, this was a long time in coming and many of you know I have been putting it off for a few months, hoping we could work things out and not wanting to hurt his feelings. In retreospect, that was a really bad thing to do.
The problems started early in the summer when I went back to work at Parkside. I love my job at Parkside. Granted, I'm not finding a cure for AIDS, but my job is important to me and something that I love doing. Okay, so I don't love cleaning bathrooms or sweeping the same dinning room day in and day out, but it's the people that keep me coming back each summer. In addition to that, every paycheck goes into the bank for when I'm out of college, so its important to me in that respect. Sam didn't understand all that. He thought it was just about the money and didn't understand that I throw myself into any kind of work, whether it be academic or making ice cream cones.
This is the point where things started going downhill.
I've a very ambitious, obsessive compulsive, motivated person, where as Sam tends to be more easy going and relaxed. I finish projects weeks before they're due and Sam very often started them the night before. Needless to say, once the sickeningly happy puppy love stage subsided, these two major personality differences clashed numerous times.
Not to say that we didn't try to work things out. I tried really hard to get all my work done by Thursday so I didn't have to come to Rosenkrans on Fridays and he tried to be more understanding that I have an actual mental obsession with work and that I can't help putting work before relationships. But this kind of strain really taxes a relationship.
Things got really bad around August, when I was incredibly close to breaking up with him, but tried to reassure myself that once we got back to college, things would get better. I told him I needed some time away from him, and that while I wasn't breaking up with him, I needed him to back off.
It was during this "backing off" time that I cheated on him...for multiple reasons, but probably not the ones you're thinking of. It was with someone I really cared about, and things had always been left unresolved between us and he's a really great guy. It wasn't out of spite or anger, but something that would have happened whether or not I had a boyfriend. I'm a horrible person. Sue me.
Once we got back to school, things were a little strained, but we got back into our routine around MCOM, but things were never back to normal. I love my TV1. I love the people in it, the production work and getting to act in skits. It's like Super Drama Club.
My TV1 buddies know the stories...Meg Dancing and Shaking her Butt on Camera, Meg being Homosexual Niles, Meg Attacking Anthony...etc. All done in fun.
Sam didn't find it fun. The Shaking of Meg's Butt was what really upset him, but it got to the point where I felt like I couldn't be myself because I knew as soon as we got out of class, Sam would get upset with anything I did. I'm a flirty person, but I also know there's a line. Plus, when I'm acting, it's a totally different story. I'm ACTING...being someone I'm not. That's half the fun of acting. Getting to pretend, which is something that you don't get to do much at the college level.
So a few months of putting up with these things and trying to work around or ignore them finally got to me. Sam sensed it too, and he was getting tired of it also. Friday night I went over there knowing that I was going to break up with him, but as soon as we started talking, he asked if I ever cheated on him and I had admit that yes, I did. I know it was wrong, but I think I also knew at that point that he wasn't the right guy for me and I wouldn't have this on my conscious forever. I don't know. Actually, I do know, and some of you know too, but I'm keeping this info on a need to know basis. I mean, come on, I let you people read my journal as it is, I'm allowed to keep a few secrets to myself! ;-)
We talked a while longer and he did say that even had I not cheated on him, we were going to break up anyway. I went over there knowing I would come home single, whether he wanted it or not. So you could say its a mutual break up, and honestly, the cheating was NOT the reason we broke up, but just added a little fuel to the fire and actually made the whole situation easier to deal with. All semester long, I've been putting off breaking up because I didn't want to hurt Sam's feelings and once he got really angry at me, the deed was done. I wasn't leaving him crying over spilt milk. He was really pissed off (and rightfully so) and it's weird because him being angry at me made me feel better.
I'm on Day Two of the wild and crazy single life and I'm fine. I'm not lying, you can ask my roommates. I came home Friday with this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I talked to a few people who all said I sounded happier than I had in a long time. Don't get my wrong, Sam is a teriffic guy and a part of me will always love him, but he just wasn't the guy for me.
So, the long and short of it is...I'm happy and I feel better than I have in a long time. Things make a lot more sense these days because I'm seeing them through my eyes instead of worrying what Sam will think. For my MCOMers, I would prefer that should you chose to share this story with others, leave out the cheating part. We would have broken up had I NOT done that, but I know as soon as that part would come up, it would get blown way out of proportion. Thanks guys.
I'm going to celebrate Day Two of the rest of my life by writing a paper. Woo Single Life.