AUTHOR: Sara E-MAIL [email protected]

SUMMARY: Hoshi ponders on whether her relationship with Trip will be allowed after some terrible news.

PAIRINGS: Hoshi/Trip... established relationship.

RATING: PG-13

ARCHIVE: My page on Nautika's site, http://www.lookout2.com/nautika/sara/index.html, the list Archive and anywhere else you like... just remind where it's going!

FEEDBACK: Yes please, helps feed the bunnies!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is something that has been kicking about on my harddrive for awhile.

DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately I don't own Enterprise or her crew, Paramount does... lucky buggers!

BITTERSWEET by Sara

I sit staring at the screen, looking at the photos that Trip had put on a datachip for me... our photos, the ones that show our relationship from friends to lovers. Some remind me of funny times, some of sad, some are of our friends and some are intimate.... private... ones which are meant for our eyes only.... the one Trip took of me wrapped just in a towel, when he caught me unawares in the bathroom, I smile at the image, my hair is all over the place and I have the 'deer-in-headlights' look. I remember how mad I was at him, for taking a picture of me not exactly looking my best, but he laughed and said I was beautiful. Then I look at my favourite one… Trip asleep, on his back, the sheet up to his waist, one arm across his stomach the other up by his head. He looks so peaceful and my heart melts every time I look at it. I feel tears begin to sting my eyes as I realise that soon these photos could be all I have of Trip, as I recall the look of anguish on his face after he had spoken to the captain.

The day had started so well too. After we had shared a quick breakfast I had gone to the bridge and just before lunch Trip had walked out of the lift to check something at the Engineering station. He had winked at me as I caught his eye and my attention had then been drawn to an incoming message. It was from Starfleet and Captain Archer took it in his ready room. A few moments later he walked out, looking grim and asked to see Trip. My heart began to sink, as I knew Admiral Forest knew of our relationship. Trip had told me he didn't want to sneak around and that he loved me and wanted everyone to know it. Jonathan Archer is his best friend and he wanted him to share in our happiness. So a few nights ago we had told him over dinner and to our disbelief he was not pleased. He reminded us about regulations and duty but once the initial shock had worn off told Trip that as his best friend he was happy for us, but as our commanding officer he would have to mention it to Starfleet. They would then decide whether charges would be brought. That night we vowed that we would try to stay together but made love like it was for the last time.

It seemed an eternity before Trip and the captain came out and as they did I received another message. It was alien and after running it through the UT it turned out to be a distress call. A freighters engines were down and they were drifting. We had their co-ordinates and the captain told me to let them know we were on our way. He looked at Trip who was slowly walking to the lift, his head down.

"Looks like we going to have a repair job, Trip. Do want to assign someone for it." Archer asked warily.

"What?" Trip seemed to pull himself together, "No it's okay Cap'n, I'll go myself. Just let me know when we get there." He left the bridge and as Archer turned he caught my eye. He looked sad and I really began to think that our relationship was about to be terminated on order from Starfleet. I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell and scream but most of all I wanted to talk to Trip and if it came to what I feared, be held by him one last time.

That was the last time I saw Trip, the repairs on the freighter taking a lot longer than anyone thought. He had called over a few times with a status report and was his normal professional self, but I could pick up the edge of sadness in his voice and my heart started to break. Captain Archer looked at me a few times and I kept thinking he wanted to tell me something, but the bridge of a starship is not the place to be told that you have to give up your lover. After my shift I had tried to eat, joining Malcolm and Travis, but I had no appetite and at their concerned questions, told them I was tired and wanted an early night.

So I sit here looking at the photos, crying for what I may be forced to give up. Suddenly realising that it's late, I climb into bed and am grateful that sleep comes quickly.

I sense rather than see his figure standing over my bed, watching me and as consciousness fully returns I sit up and look at him.

"Trip?"

He doesn't answer me and instead kneels by the bed, burying his face in my lap. I hold his head, my fingers running through his hair and he looks up at me. His eyes are filled with such despair and I pull him to me, kissing the top of his head as he cries, my own tears falling. Finally he calms down and moves to sit next to me. We sit in silence for awhile and I'm afraid to ask, frightened to actually hear the words. Then he speaks and I can still hear the tears in his voice.

"My dad died."

I'm stunned and momentarily feel relieved that we can still be together and that my worry was misplaced. This is replaced by guilt as I look at his tear-streaked face.

"Oh Trip, I'm so sorry." I wrap my arms around him, knowing full well that Trip was close to his family, that he was aware of the sacrifices his parents had made to be able to afford to send him to college so that he could become the engineer he is today. He loves them both dearly and misses them, and probably feels guilty that he wasn't there to say his final goodbye.

"I should have been there, I should have...." He trails off and starts to cry again, I try to soothe him, rocking him gently like he's a child, my own throat getting tight, ".... told him I loved him." He manages to say between sobs.

"He knew Trip, he knew." I stroke his hair, letting him cry out the grief and guilt and finally the tears subside and he looks at me. His eyes are red and puffy, his nose is running and he smiles at me weakly.

"I'm sorry," he sniffs and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. I roll my eyes, passing him a tissue. I climb out of bed and pull him to his feet, pushing him towards the bathroom.

"Have a shower and then if you want, we'll talk." I kiss him and he smiles again, and I see in his eyes that he's grateful that I'm giving him some time to get his thoughts together.

After a few minutes, he re-emerges wearing just a towel and I hand him some clean boxers. We are soon settled in bed and he lays his head on my shoulder, his arms around my waist. I stroke his hair and after awhile he begins to talk.

"Jon told me that he had a heart attack. All the technology we have and he dies of a heart attack. My mama said that he'd been feeling unwell for a coupla days, but wouldn't go t' the doc. Then wham, doc said he was probably dead b'fore he hit the floor." He laughs bitterly, "He never did like doctors."

"How's your mother?"

"As far as I know she's fine, got my brother, sister and all the Tucker clan makin' sure she's okay." He lifts his head and smiles at me, "She's more worried 'bout me and how I'm copin'"

"And how are you coping?" I ask hoping the question won't upset him.

"Better, now I'm with you." He reaches up and pulls my head to his, kissing me gently. It's not a kiss of passion or desire but of love and depth of feeling and as he releases me I see the tears still in his eyes. We talk for some time, he tells me stories of when he was a child, remembrances that make him laugh and smile, in between the occasional tears. Eventually exhaustion overcomes him and as he drifts into sleep, I realise that our talk has made him feel better.

NEXT MORNING

I'm just tying back my hair when the chime sounds and I wince hoping that it hasn't woken Trip. I glance at him and he just rolls over, burying himself further into the pillows. Smiling I open the door, only to come face to face with the captain. He looks past me and sees Trip in my bed and I prepare for a reminder of the regulations but instead his face softens and he smiles.

"How is he?" he whispers and I walk into the hallway so as not to wake him.

"Better. I think all the crying he did last night wore him out." I fold my arms, "He feels guilty that he wasn't there, that he's let his family down."

"I'm giving him the day off, you too Hoshi." I open my mouth to say something but he holds his hand up, "I do want to speak to you both later though. Call me when you're ready and we'll talk in private."

"Yes sir." He smiles reassuringly at me but it doesn't stop the feeling of dread I have in the pit of my stomach.

Once Trip had woken and showered, I tell him of our meeting with the captain and can tell he is looking forward to it less than I am. So after a quick breakfast in the messhall we decided to get it over with. We walk back to my quarters and Trip calls the captain.

"Tucker to Archer"

"Archer here."

"Have ya got a minute Cap'n?"

"I'll be with you shortly."

As the link is severed Trip comes and sits next to me. He holds my hands and I try not to cry.

"Hosh, not matter what he has t' say I do love you and I want us to stay together."

"I love you too but if..." My words are cut off by the chime and Trip squeezes my fingers, as I stand and walk over to open the door. The captain looks uncomfortable as he enters my quarters and the room suddenly seems crowded. "Please sit down Captain." I gesture to the chair as Trip and I sit on my bed.

"Thank you." He sits and then looks at Trip, "How you doing?"

"I've been better Cap'n but did most of my cryin' last night. I would like t' send a message home though."

"Of course, let me know when and I'll arrange it with Starfleet."

"Thank you sir, but that's not why ya here is it."

"No it's not." Jonathan Archer stands and begins to pace the room as Trip grips my hand squeezing it tightly, "Starfleet were not happy when I told them that the two of you had got together. They reminded me that the fraternisation rules are there for a reason and should be adhered to especially when the relationship is between a senior officer and a subordinate." He stops pacing and looks at us, his face softening, "But I did point out that this mission was slightly different to the short missions that we've done in the past and that the crew will not be seeing their families in a couple of months. Five years is a long time to go without seeing your loved ones and only having the company of those aboard this ship." I glance at Trip at the mention of families and notice his eyes are beginning to tear up. I hope the captain notices too as I know Trip won't want to breakdown now. He swallows hard as the captain continues, looking at us both "They have therefore agreed, especially after recent events, that the fraternisation rule will be amended for long term missions with the condition that any relationship will be acceptable as long as the participants are discreet and…."

"No makin' out on the bridge then?" Trip interrupts with a weak smile and I find myself grinning.

"… that it doesn't interfere with the smooth running of this ship." The captain continues and then smiles, "Trip I think making out on the bridge would probably go against both those conditions."

"Probably… but it'd be fun."

Archer turns to leave shaking his head as Trip and I stand.

"Captain." I walk towards him as he turns, "Thank you sir. " I hug him smiling, tears in my eyes and just before I pull away he whispers in my ear.

"Help him through this." We share a look and I know he's referring to Trip's loss. I nod biting my lip as the captain turns his attention to Trip. "Let me know when you want to send that message."

"Yessir." He looks at me for a minute and he doesn't have to ask.

"Come on, might as well do it now."

THAT NIGHT

I sit staring at the screen looking at the photos that Trip had shown me, the ones showing a baby becoming a child and the child becoming a man. The ones showing the laughter and tears of growing up surrounded by his family and the love and guidance of his father, and I realise how bittersweet this all is. If Trip's father hadn't died would Starfleet have allowed our relationship to continue? I doubt I'll ever know and decide not to dwell on it. I'm happy that I can be with Trip but I am saddened by the thought that the only way I will get to know his father is from these photos and the stories he can tell me.

THE END