Heavenly Bodies
Title: Heavenly Bodies
Author: Reedfem
Author's e-mail: [email protected]
Date: Posted to EntSTSlash & TuckerReed 04/17/2003, sent to MEG Archive 15 Jun 03
Archive: Permission to archive granted to EntSTCommunity and
MEGA.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome.
Category: Slash
Rating: PG-13
Status: Complete
Pairing: Tucker/Reed
Main characters: Archer, Tucker, Reed, Mayweather
Summary: A picture is worth a thousand words.
Warnings: None
Beta: Thank you shakespearespot for graciously offering to beta my fledging fic efforts. And RB for laughing.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: These characters are copyrighted by Paramount, no copyright infringement is intended and no money was made. The poor boys just keep following me home and begging to stay. Quite nicely, too!
Author's notes: My first posted story.
***
"Cap'n, have you seen this?"
Jonathan Archer looked up into the flustered face of his
chief engineer. He was waving something in front of Archer's nose.
"Seen what, Trip?"
"This... this... *thing*!" he spluttered, dropping
what looked like a magazine onto Archer's desk. Archer picked it up. No, not
a magazine.
Archer studied the item in his hand. "Heavenly Bodies
of Starfleet - Men of Enterprise" was emblazoned across the cover in large
type. The picture on the front was innocuous enough, one of the bridge crew
taken just before Enterprise had left dry dock.
"I think its called a calendar, Trip. Hmmm, what's..."
Archer had idly opened it up and abruptly stopped talking, mouth still open.
What was inside was more provocative. Scantily clad men, in an assortment of
sultry poses. Not pornographic, but close enough.
"Oh boy."
"Yeah, that's what I said." Trip replied smugly,
crossing his arms over his chest. Archer didn't respond, he was busily
flipping pages, eyes getting wider with each one. When he got to the final
page, his eyes widened, his mouth closed with a snap and he shuddered violently
before dropping the calendar back onto his desk.
"Holy shit... " He looked up at Trip, then back
down at the calendar. He picked it up again and opened to a specific page.
"Black leather... damn... " he murmured softly with a small shake of
his head.
"Hey!" Trip yelled, trying to snatch it back.
Archer was ready for him and lunged backward in his chair, avoiding Trip's
hand. "Give that back."
"I don't think so," Archer laughed at him. Trip
came around the desk, trying again, but Archer stood up and held the item up
over his head, well out of the shorter engineer's reach. "C'mon Trip, cut
it out. We're not children here." He put a hand out to Trip's chest
when he tried jumping up to reach it. The comm buzzed.
"Lt. Reed to Captain Archer." Saved by the
bell.
"What is it, Lieutenant?"
"May I speak with you for a moment, sir?"
"Certainly, Lieutenant. I need to, uh, see you as
well." Trip gave him a hateful look. The ready room door opened and
Malcolm Reed entered the room, something clutched in his hands. He looked at
the captain, who still had his arm over his head, then down at his own hands
and sighed.
"I see you're already aware of the... problem,
sir."
"Problem?"
"This... calendar," Malcolm grimaced. "I
wish to state for the record sir, I did not give my permission for this."
"I think its safe to say, Malcolm, that none of us
did." Archer gave a heavy sigh. "So, what do you suggest we do? I
suppose it's unrealistic to assume these are the only two copies?"
"Yes, sir, I believe that it would." Malcolm
decided not to mention the wolf whistle he'd received as he'd crossed the
bridge.
"Well, Malcolm, you're my tactical officer. What sort
of damage control do you advise?"
"Truthfully, sir, I doubt there is anything we *can* do
at this point that won't make it worse." He paused, then smirked,
"Except grin and bare it." Archer and Trip heard the pun and groaned
in unison.
"I'd better get Travis in here." Archer swallowed
hard. "And Phlox." Malcolm and Trip shared a shudder.
***
Trip was having a bad day. He was currently hunkered down
at the most isolated table in the mess hall with Malcolm and Travis.
"Cheer up, Commander," Travis was saying.
"It could be worse. You gotta admit, those are some pretty hot
pictures."
Trip gave him an accusing glare. "You sound like
you're enjoying this."
Travis shrugged. "I've got nothing to be ashamed
of."
"That's for certain," Malcolm said. Travis
looked at him thoughtfully.
"Hey, cut that out!" Trip protested. "And
how come Travis got twice as many pictures in there as everyone else
anyway?"
"Twice as many muscles?" Malcolm guessed, giving
him a wink. Travis smiled, but said nothing.
"Hell, the captain even got a damned centerfold.
What's that count as?" Trip went on.
"Don't protest too much, Commander. He *is* the
Captain, after all. And it was a bloody nice centerfold."
"Say, Malcolm, you still have that black leather
number?" Travis wondered.
"What, that old thing?" Malcolm smiled. "So,
Travis, I never would have figured you for body piercing."
Trip had had enough. He slammed his hand down on the
table. "I'm glad you two think this is so amusing."
"Lighten up, Trip."
"Oh, that's rich coming from you, Malcolm. We're never
gonna live this down. D'ya know what happened when I got to Engineering this
morning?" He paused for effect. "When I walked in the door,
everyone held up signs with numbers on 'em!"
"All 10's I trust?" Malcolm's lips were
twitching.
"Shit," Trip said in disgust. "I should
write the lot of 'em up for insubordination." He paused and looked at
Malcolm suspiciously. "Fucking Rostov, man, he held up a 7."
Malcolm and Travis howled with laughter and after a moment, Trip joined in.
"Perhaps he's just jealous," Malcolm offered.
"At least there was only one of Phlox."
"Oh lord, don't remind me. I may need therapy after
seeing that." Malcolm shuddered delicately.
"I wonder how much airbrushing was involved?"
Travis looked thoughtful.
"Airbrushing, my ass." Trip tossed down his fork
in disgust.
"Yes, I dare say they must have."
"Hey!" Trip spluttered and glared at Malcolm.
"Some of us don't need airbrushing."
"Yeah, that one of Porthos was pretty cute,"
Travis said mildly.
"I wonder, though," Trip began, then trailed off.
"What?"
"Well, where did the pictures come from? I mean, you
know, they all looked genuine, not computer-generated or anything."
"Been studying them in some detail have you,
Commander?" Malcolm said sharply.
"I did find some of them kinda... stimulating,"
Trip drawled, grinning and giving him a small wink.
"Can't speak for anyone else, but I recognize mine. A
friend took them." Travis looked at Trip and Malcolm expectantly.
Trip looked sheepish, but amazingly, Malcolm blushed.
"Oh shit, this must be good. Spill it, Malcolm,"
Trip demanded.
"I wasn't always in Starfleet, you know," he said
defensively. "I needed the money. It was just some pictures. I used a
false name."
Trip wasn't convinced. "Just some pictures, huh? And
that made you blush? Granted, they are some *nice* pictures, but I ain't
buying it. Try again."
"There were some... vids... as well." The silence
made him look up. Trip and Travis were both gaping at him. Travis recovered
first.
"Well, *that* would certainly liven up movie
night!"
"Don't make me hurt you." Malcolm's expression
was menacing. "Perhaps you'd like to spend some time in Sickbay. With
Phlox."
All three men shuddered.
***
To: All_Hands
From: The Captain
Subject: Calendar
Anyone caught making any more copies of that calendar will
be charged with disobeying orders, insubordination, misuse of ship's resources
and any other damned thing I can think of. Whoever keeps posting those
pictures all over the ship, please stop it already.
And will the person who left the package outside my quarters
last night please contact me immediately.
Captain Archer
***
"Trip?"
"Yes, love?"
"Would you do something for me?"
"Anything for you, darlin'."
"Would you do that 'come hither' pose for me?"
"We already came hither. And yon, if I remember
correctly."
"Funny. But seriously, I want some new pictures.
Without the swimsuit this time. For our 'private' collection."
"Malcolm?"
"Yes, love?"
"Come hither."
***
To: [email protected]
Fm: [email protected]
Subject: Thanks! You're the best!
Hey sis, thanks for the calendars. You did a terrific job.
Don't want to know where you got a hold of some of those
photos!
Poor Commander Tucker, he's still upset he had fewer
pictures than Lt. Reed and I.
Speaking of which, I have another job for you.
I need you to find some vids for me...
***
The end?