Payment in Full - Chapter 20

Payment in Full - Chapter 20 TITLE:                      PAYMENT IN FULL- CHAPTER 20
AUTHOR:                 PIPPIN
RATING:                   NC-17 (to be on the safe side)
PAIRING:                  Archer/Trip

SETTING: Minor spoilers: "Stigma"; "First Flight" and "The Expanse". Set after the events of "Savior".

FEEDBACK: Always! [email protected]

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the characters. I’m just borrowing them, and promise to return them safe and sound. The only thing I gain from this is some writing practice.

SUMMARY: Everything has a price.

Chapter 20

He took a deep breath, hefted the gun. The most efficient and effective way was through the roof of the mouth. Maximum damage. The accepted artistic fashion was through the temple, but it wasn’t foolproof. He had no wish to fire a bullet into the thick bone of his skull, simply to have Phlox thwart him by working a medical miracle, forcing him to face things all over again, only this time with the added stigma of being a failed suicide. No, he did not want that at all.

If it’s worth doing at all, it’s worth doing right.

Another one of the old man’s mantras. But in this instance, his father was absolutely correct. At least he wouldn’t be able to criticise this. Mind you, even if he did, it wouldn’t matter – Reed wasn’t going to be around to hear it. One of the benefits of death. No more parental homilies to sit through.

Enough shilly-shallying. Get on with it.

He lifted the gun. Then his gaze fell upon the blank padd on his desktop, and his hand wavered. Should he leave a message? An explanation? No. Actions always spoke louder than words. He lifted the gun again.

What about Trip?

What about him? Trip would know why, wouldn’t he?

And blame himself. You know that’s true.

Well, we couldn’t allow that, now, could we? Trip already had enough on his plate. He wasn’t going to add to the engineer’s burdens by allowing him to think that he was in any way responsible for what had happened. He’d better try to explain. He put the gun down, picked up the padd.

Half an hour later, he stared at the screen. He had only written five lines. Not enough, and yet far too much. Difficult. It was so difficult. The words he’d managed to come up with sounded cold and harsh, although he didn’t mean them to. He supposed he could record a vocal message instead. But would that be any better? He sighed. Probably not. He looked at the padd again. He’d just have to hope that Trip would understand.

If he even sees it.

Yes, that was true, wasn’t it? He wouldn’t put it past Archer – or Phlox, for that matter – to withhold this, on the grounds that it would “upset” the engineer. It might, but blaming himself would upset Trip more.

Well, he could make sure Trip got the message. Cutler had told him that Archer had taken shore leave. He’d been surprised by that, but soon learned all the scuttlebutt – it was because Trip had insisted. Claimed the Captain needed the break. That was such a typical Trip thing to do, Reed thought. And he sighed. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone who loved him even half as much as Trip obviously loved Archer?

He shook his head. No sense starting that up again. With Archer gone, the chances were good that he could slip out of his quarters and down to Sickbay without anyone being the wiser. Trip would be asleep, and he could leave his message, get back to his quarters and do the deed before the day shift started.

His door was not locked; nor was a guard posted. Some time after he had been “escorted” to his quarters, he had received an angry message from Archer:

To: Lieutenant Reed From: Capt. Jonathan Archer Re: Confined to quarters.

Until you are otherwise informed, you are relieved of duty and confined to quarters. I assume that I will not need to lock you in or post a guard?

He had quickly, humbly replied.

To: Capt. Jonathan Archer From: Lieutenant Reed Re: Confined to quarters.
Understood. There is no need for a guard or other precautions.

By the time the captain would have found out he had disobeyed orders, he would be well out of reach of Archer’s wrath. He went to the door, opened it, looked around. The hallway was, as he expected, empty.

Five minutes later, he was at Sickbay’s doors. He had heard that Phlox had locked Archer out for a while, and marvelled at the doctor’s courage. You’re a braver man – or Denobulan – than I am, sir. Archer must have been furious. Reed had seen the Captain in a rage several times, and it wasn’t a sight for the faint of heart or weak of knees. But apparently, Phlox had relented, probably because Trip had asked, and Sickbay’s doors were now unlocked.

He crept inside. It was dim and silent. Even Phlox’s menagerie was asleep. The only sounds were the faint hum of the medical machines monitoring Trip. He moved stealthily to the curtained-off area, and stepped inside.

Trip was laying quietly, his hands folded on his chest. For one dreadful second, Reed thought he was looking at a corpse. Then he saw the slow, careful rise of Trip’s chest, and breathed a sigh of relief. He was being stupid. Nevertheless, he had been scared, and there was no sense denying it. He looked at Trip, sighed. If only … So many regrets. Never mind. Just get on with it.

Carefully, he placed the padd by the engineer. “You have no idea how sorry I am,” he said quietly. “I wish I could take it all back, Trip. It’s a pity that those time travellers aren’t around; I’d certainly take them up on their offer.” He sighed. “But that’s not likely to happen, is it?

“I’m sorry. I truly am. You’ve already been through so much. And I’ve just made things worse. Well, I’m going to try and make amends. You’re not going to have to testify. I won’t put you through that. I’m going to take care of it.” He reached out, then let his hand drop by his side. Being too touchy-feely was what had started this whole mess in the first place. Show a little self-control, will you?

“I want you to know that it’s not your fault, okay? You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been the best friend that I could ever hope for, and you don’t know how unhappy I am that I’ve made a mess of that. I’ve thought it over very carefully, and, really – this is for the best. For everyone. I’m not the type to sit around in a jail cell. I’d rather make amends in my own fashion. I just hope that someday, you’ll understand. I’d best go now. Goodbye – my friend.” He turned away.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Reed started violently, then turned back around. Trip, quite obviously awake, was glaring at him. “You’re awake,” he said stupidly.

“Yeah, I am.”

“You – you should be sleeping.” It was an idiotic thing to say, but it was all he could think of.

Trip half-shrugged. “Bad dreams,” he said shortly.

“You should get Phlox. You’re not well – “

“ – And you’re an idiot,” Trip said irritably. “Are you really thinking of doing what I think you’re thinking of?” Reed was silent. Trip sighed, exasperated. “Get your ass over here.”

When Reed hesitated, Trip held up his call button. “Or do I call Phlox? You want me to tell him what you’re thinking about? Do you know what’ll happen then?”

Reed most certainly did. Confined to Sickbay. On a suicide watch. Which would mean round-the-clock surveillance, and likely include restraints as well.

“Well?” Trip demanded.

Slowly, Reed came over, stood beside the bed. “Sit down.” Silently, he obeyed. Trip shook his head. “Of all the sad cases I’ve ever known, I think you’re the saddest. What the hell were you going to do? Throw yourself out the airlock?”

Reed shook his head. “Pistol,” he said through numb lips. “Got one in my quarters.” He still couldn’t believe he was sitting here, talking to Trip like this.

“You know you’re not supposed to keep loaded phase pistols in your quarters.”

“Not a phase pistol. Automatic. Colt 45. My great-grandfather’s.”

Trip sighed. “I should have guessed you’d have something like that up your sleeve.” He looked at Reed, frowned. “You know, I never thought you were a coward, Malcolm.”

Reed stared. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“It’s not cowardice,” Reed spluttered. “It’s just that it’s the only logical thing left for me to do.”

“Somehow, I doubt T’Pol would agree with that.”

“You might be surprised.”

“Then surprise me. Explain it.”

“What else is there for me to do? Allow the court-martial to go through? Spend 20 years in jail? Lose everything?”

“There you go again,” Trip sighed. “Always seeing the worst-case scenario. I swear, Malcolm, not only do you think the glass is only half-full, you figure what’s in there is poisoned.”

“I’m being realistic.”

“Bull.”

“What do you think is going to happen? That the Captain will reward me for this?”

“No,” said Trip soberly. “I don’t think so.”

“Well, then,” Reed said. “There we are.”

“We most certainly are not. Now you listen to me, Malcolm. First off, I very much doubt that you’re going to be court-martialled, okay? So all this talk of jail time and losing everything is just that – talk.”

“But you don’t know for sure.”

“Neither do you. But I’m pretty sure. After all, I’ll have something to say about it.”

“But it’s the Captain’s decision.”

Trip sighed. “Yes, it is. And I’m not going to lie to you. He’s madder ‘n hell about this.”

“My point exactly.”

“But just because he’s angry doesn’t mean he’s about to toss his tactical officer out the airlock, metaphorically speaking. Jon isn’t that stupid, and he’s not that unfair, either.”

“But he’s still going to, to … “

“I won’t lie to you. Chances are good he’s going to hand you your ass on a platter. He won’t let this go, you can bet on that. And you know what you’re going to do?”

Reed shook his head. “No.”

“You’re going to suck it up and take it. Because you deserve it. You screwed up. Big time. And you’re going to take the responsibility for that, and deal with whatever the Captain hands out. You got that?”

Reed looked at him. “Yes,” he finally said.

“Good.”

Reed sighed, studied his shoes. Trip looked over at him. “What?”

“I did screw up, as you say. And I truly am sorry. Can you – can you ever forgive me?”

“Eventually.” Reed looked up at this, and Trip clarified. “It’s going to take me a while to trust you again, Malcolm. You really managed to push all my buttons that night, and that’s not something I can just get over right away.” He gave Reed a long, steady stare. “And I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Part of the price you’re going to have to pay.”

“I understand,” Reed said.

“No, I don’t think you do. Not about some things, and maybe that’s my fault. So listen up.” He took a deep breath. “You’ve got feelings for me, you say. Feelings that are more than friendship. Well, I’m sorry, but nothing like that is ever going to happen. Okay? Because - I don’t play for that team.”

Reed stared at him, and Trip smiled ruefully. “I know what you’re thinking – if that’s the case, then what’s he doing with Jon? Well, believe me, it’s not easy to explain. Even Jon and I find it weird. Neither one of us are turned on by men. I mean, we’ll be on shore leave, at a beach somewhere, and we’ll both be girl watching. And then we go home – together! The best I can come up with to tell you is that it’s not because Jon is a man and I like men; it’s because Jon is Jon and I love him.”

Reed’s mouth fell open. Trip simply never spoke like that. The engineer nodded. “I know. I don’t talk like that normally. Hell, even Jon and I rarely use the “L” word. But you really need to know what’s going on, so that you’re never, ever tempted to try anything like that again. I’m giving you this one, but try something like that again and I will personally kick your ass to Earth and back.”

“All right,” Reed managed. “I understand.” He looked at Trip. “I hope it won’t take you too long to get over it.”

“I hope not either. Mind you,” he added meditatively, “there’s Jon to consider as well.”

“He might forbid you?”

Trip stared at him. “What starship are you living on? Jon doesn’t ‘forbid’ me anything. And I don’t him, either.”

“Then I don’t understand.”

“Jon’s worried and upset. When he’s like that, he gets really over-protective. It’s probably going to take him a hell of a lot longer to get over this. He’s not going to want me to see you alone, I’ll guarantee you that.”

“And you’ll allow him to dictate to you?”

“No, I won’t.” Trip was getting exasperated. “Because he won’t. But I have to take his feelings into consideration. I wouldn’t be any good for him if I didn’t.”

“I see.”

“And, right now, anyhow, I’m not exactly mobile. Jon’s going to be playing gatekeeper for a while, and there’s not much I can do about that.” He smiled faintly. “And somehow, I don’t think that’s a gauntlet you’re really going to want to try running.”

“You really don’t mind, do you?”

Trip shrugged. “I’m used to it by now. And, yeah – it’s kind of nice to know he cares.”

He should, Reed thought, but said nothing. Trip looked at him. “So, are you straight on all this?”

“Yes.”

“No more talk of ‘ending it all’ and ‘taking the only logical course of action’.”

“No.”

“You’ll stick around and take whatever ends up coming your way?”

“Yes.” When Trip still didn’t look convinced, he added, “You have my word of honour on it.”

“Good,” Trip said with a sigh. He was starting to look tired.

“I think you should call Phlox,” Reed began.

“Not necessary,” a familiar, sing-song voice said.

Both Trip and Reed started. Trip glared over at newly-appeared gap in the curtains. “I might have known. Just how long have you been there?”

“Long enough,” Phlox replied imperturbably as he stepped over to stand beside Reed.

“And how much did you hear?” Before Phlox could answer, Trip raised his hand. “Let me guess. ‘Enough’.”

Phlox beamed at him, as if impressed by his cleverness. “Exactly!”

Trip sighed. “Now what?”

“Now,” said Phlox, “I will accompany Mr. Reed back to his quarters, where he will give me the heirloom he mentioned to me for safekeeping.”

“You won’t need to do that,” Reed protested.

Phlox shook his head. “Nevertheless, I must insist, Lieutenant. I will keep it in a safe place, until I am certain you are again able to accept the responsibilities that owning such an object entails.”

Reed sighed. “Very well, doctor. I can see your mind is made up.”

“It is indeed.” The Denobulan turned to Trip. “And when I return, we’ll have to do something about your sleeping habits, Commander.”

Now it was Trip’s turn to sigh. “All right.”

Phlox placed a light hand on Reed’s elbow. “Shall we, Lieutenant?”

Reed looked at him. “Are you going to tell the Captain about this?”

“What do you think?”

“I think he’s going to be very angry,” Reed said, sounding tired.

“You got that right,” Trip said. “Jon’s going to hit the roof when he finds out. And what are you going to do?”

“Accept whatever punishment the Captain sees fit to impose.”

“Good man.”

Phlox smiled very slightly. “Lieutenant Reed may not be the only one in trouble, Commander. When the Captain finds out you aren’t sleeping … “

Trip rolled his eyes. “You’re probably right.” He looked at Malcolm “Make sure you leave some room in that doghouse of yours, okay?”

“Okay,” Reed managed, and then allowed Phlox to lead him away. It was very peculiar, he thought. His best friend had just given him a thorough ticking off, he was in disgrace, and on the Captain’s own personal shit list, and yet – he felt strangely light at heart. He looked over his shoulder. Trip caught his gaze, and gave him a small salute. It’s okay, Reed thought, with surprise. It’s really going to be okay.

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