Never
Title: Never
Author: Beverly
Author's Contact: [email protected]
Archive: Permission to archive granted to Archers_Enterprise, MEG-Archive, reedsarmory, reedsarcheryrange, EntSTSlash, and whoever can stand to read it…just let me know where.
Rating: NC-17
Status: complete
Pairing: Archer/Reed
Warnings: none
Spoilers: Mild ones for “Bounty”
Disclaimer: Me nothing…Paramount everything…*sigh*…but
hey, I let the boys have much more fun, right?
Beta: Mareel, as always, quick and efficient. She’s amazing.
She also suggested the title…and be honest…it fits perfectly.
Summary: The night after Jon comes back from the Tellarian
bounty ship
Author's Notes: The usual. It´s loving, sappy,
and it has a Happy Ending.
Feedback?
Yes, pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase. Take this as a
birthday fic for Malcolm and for me.
NEVER
MALCOLM
He’s back.
I can hardly believe it.
After we lost the warp signature of the
bounty raider, I was close to losing my temper. I couldn’t have stood losing
him. Not now. Not now that we had just found each other.
But we found him. And he’s back where he
belongs. In my quarters. In my arms. In my heart.
I snuggle a little closer, press my ear to
his heart to hear its soft beating. It’s strong. Reassuring. Telling me with
every beat that my love is alive.
Suddenly he sighs softly, and I raise my
head to look into his face. It’s hidden in the shadow; his eyes are closed. I
know that they are green. Not like an emerald, or like the sea near a shore.
No, it’s more like grass right after the rain stopped. Still a bit darker than
usual, but in itself pure and almost heartbreakingly beautiful. His features
are relaxed and he looks incredibly peaceful. The little lines and wrinkles
around his eyes are softened in the dim light of the stars streaming in through
the viewport, making the years melt away.
Would he laugh at me if he would ever found
out about my thoughts? I’m the ‘Stubborn Brit’. The man with no heart. The man
with only his weapons in his head. Yes, I know what people say about me.
After all, I’m head of security and it
would be a shame if I would NOT know little things like these.
If they only knew.
When my shift ends, I come to Jon.
Practically fleeing from all the weapons and responsibilities.
He knows me. He looked into my heart. I’m
not able to hide anything from him.
One should think that’s amazing. That,
considering my reputation as “Lt. No-Heart”, someone should be able to know me
so well.
It’s not too amazing.
It’s the one thing that always stopped me
from getting too close to someone, no matter if male or female.
The moment I love someone, it’s with all my
heart. And yes, I have a heart, thank you ma’am.
It’s just … over the years I became very
good at hiding my heart. Behind my weapons, behind my regulations, behind my
fear. For a long time no one was able to reach me.
When I was stuck with Trip in that
shuttlepod, I almost drove him crazy with my letters. But all the women I wrote
“good-bye letters” to… none of them really knew me. They had my affection, my
body, my sympathy. But never my heart.
And then HE came along.
Full of idealism and optimism. Full of
curiosity to find new life-forms, to make new friendships.
For the first time I wondered if it could
be possible to love again. Even for someone like me. Especially for someone
like me.
“I can almost hear you thinking.”
His voice sounds like a caress and his eyes
open slowly to gaze at me. I smile, blushing slightly. His hands go on to
stroke me where they stopped only a few minutes earlier.
I shiver slightly, and press myself
shamelessly closer to his naked body. His skin is like velvet under my
fingertips and I press a tender kiss on his shoulder.
“I thought I lost you.”
I hate it when my voice sounds so insecure,
but right now I can’t help it and right now I don’t care. I was almost
CONVINCED that I‘d lost him.
His arms close around me, tightening his
grip so I can feel his strength.
“I’m alive, Malcolm,” he whispers in my
ear.
I tremble more violently now. I don’t know
how to hide it. I was so scared. So afraid. So hopeless. And now that he’s
back, all the tension seems to burst. I press my face in the crook of his neck,
deeply inhaling his scent, feeling his steady pulse under my lips, and I begin
to cry.
JONATHAN
The moment I feel his first tear on my skin
I’m almost paralyzed. I feel so helpless. There had been moments on that raider
ship when I had been sure that I would never see him again.
Malcolm. My Malcolm. My wonderful,
stubborn, unnerving, contradictory, amazing, beautiful Malcolm.
And now I’m here.
And he’s crying. Because he’d thought he’d
lost me. What can I do?
The trembling grows stronger; he’s almost shaking
now.
I do what first comes to my mind. I hold
him closer, tighter, to show him that I’m alive. That he didn’t lose me. Never
will lose me.
“Sssh….there…there…”
I rock him gently, and ever so slowly the
trembling diminishes and finally stops. But he still cries.
He cries absolutely silently. Not a single
sound can be heard. It’s frightening. Why doesn’t he shout, wail, sob loudly?
To feel his quiet grief almost breaks my heart.
“Malcolm? What can I do? Talk to me,
please.”
He only shakes his head. I can’t see it,
but I feel the motion against my skin. He snuggles closer, wants to crawl
beneath my skin, and all the time I can feel his fingers or his lips somewhere
on my pulse, reassuring him that my heart beats.
We just made love, the sweat is still
cooling on our skin. He was almost desperate in his movements and now I can see
why.
I kiss his head and pull the blanket over
us both. We’re both tired, exhausted, confused. We will talk about this
tomorrow. After a few minutes his tears stop flowing.
I close my eyes, and gently stroke his hair
while his tears are slowly drying on my heated skin.
TRIP
Oh my, it’s good to have Jonny back. I
really would’ve missed him if we’d lost him out there.
And I’m glad Malcolm has his lover back.
Good god, he really was a pain in the ass over the last few days.
And at first I didn’t even know why. He was
snarling at everybody and was crankier than ever. He was almost biting, and for
a while I was thinking about a vaccination against rabies…just to be on the
safe side.
But then one night I eavesdropped on him.
Ah, I know that’s not fair. But hell, he wouldn’t talk to me. So you can say I
had no other choice. And it wasn’t quite planned.
He was adjusting one of his weapon systems,
and I only wanted to ask him if I could lend a helping hand.
Then I heard him, talking to his photon
torpedoes.
About Jon. About how much he missed him.
How afraid he was that he would never see him again. Of his fear of losing him
so soon after finding him.
About how he loved him.
I backed away, silently leaving the armory.
I was surprised. More than surprised.
But incredibly glad for Jon and Malcolm.
Jon deserves a little happiness. And I guess Malcolm will give him just what he
needs.
And now we have him back, our captain. Yep,
he’s tough. A stubborn son-of-a-bitch. I’m sure he gave that Tellarian one hell
of a time.
I roll over in my bed, grinning slightly.
Jonny and Malcolm. What a pair.
JONATHAN
I awake slowly. At first I think I’m still
away from Enterprise. I don’t want to open my eyes for I dreamed of Malcolm.
Again. Like all those nights before. And like all those nights before, I’m sad.
Desperate. Angry. Frustrated. So awfully helpless.
But then I feel a soft breathing on my
back. The warmth of a human body, clinging close to mine.
I turn around and my arms find Malcolm. I’m
relieved. His skin is so soft against mine and I just have to touch him. My
hands glide over the muscles on his back, deeper to his waist, gently cradling
his buttocks. They fit so perfectly in my hands. My fingertips travel carefully
along Malcolm’s flanks on their way to his nipples, when he suddenly laughs out
loud and tries to move away,
Malcolm is ticklish!
I never would have thought that possible
and I grin widely. I didn’t even notice that he’s awake. I kiss him lovingly.
“Sorry, did I wake you?”
MALCOLM
“Sorry, did I wake you?”
His voice doesn’t even sound the slightest
bit sorry. He tickled me! I can’t believe he found my weak spot.
All those last months I had been able to
hide it from him.
And now he found it. I try to roll away
from him, try to hide my vulnerable side but he follows me… merciless.
And didn’t he always follow me?
I surrender. I don’t want to run away from
him. I move back into his arms, look up into his eyes full of love and kiss
him.
We are both off-duty today so I can enjoy
his presence in my bed as long as I like. And I intend to enjoy it for a very
long time.
I close my eyes, and revel in the feeling
of his skin on mine. He is so perfect for me. He fits to my side like no one
else I ever knew.
I hunger for him, for his nearness, for his
hands on my body, for his lips on mine, for his skin under my fingers.
I open my mouth to devour him. I want him.
God, I want him.
Slowly I move my body to cover his, my lips
leaving his mouth to slide over his chin, his throat, his collarbone and settle
finally over his heart.
“Malcolm, about last night…”
His voice sounds tentative. I don’t want to
talk about it. Not now, not ever. But he is insistent. He cradles my face in
his hands and searches my eyes. I avoid looking at him.
“Malcolm, please…you cried last night. I
want to know why.”
I turn away and sit up. My mood is gone.
Last night I showed weakness. I can never
forgive myself for this. I love him, but I never let anyone see this side of
me.
“I…I don’t want to talk about it, Jon.”
I want to get up but I can feel his arm
around my waist, pulling me back into his embrace. Last night I cried and I
hate myself for it.
I can feel his warmth as he snuggles closer
to me. His chin comes to rest on my shoulder; his arms go around my waist.
Without thinking I grab his arms, searching
for some kind of steadiness for my inner turmoil.
“Jon,” I whisper. I
can feel his nod against my shoulder, assuring me he’s there, strong, steady.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head back, feeling his lips on my cheek.
“I don’t know how long I can stand this.”
His arms tighten around me. His voice is
tense.
“What do you mean?”
Sighing, I free myself from his embrace and
finally get up. Slowly I make my way to the viewport, my back to him.
“I think it would be best if we…end it
now.”
“What do you mean? Malcolm? Are
you…breaking up with me?”
His voice sounds desperate, so full of pain
that it almost makes me cry…again. And that’s the point. I got weak. I can’t
dare to be weak when there are over eighty people relying on my strength. How
can I protect them when my mind is elsewhere?
But once again…I become weak. I should
break up with him. I know that.
But how can I? Hearing his voice…so
terrified…so incredibly lost. And I do the first thing that comes to my mind.
The one thing that I know is absolutely wrong and idiotic and against
everything I’d always believed in.
I turn around and throw myself into his
waiting arms, murmuring only one word.
“Never!”
JONATHAN
“Never!”
That word echoes through my head, through
my heart, to settle finally in my soul. He won’t break up with me. He won’t
leave me.
For a few excruciatingly long moments I was
afraid that his other half, his military side, would win and he would leave
me.
I press him close to my heart, bury my nose
in his dark hair, and murmur softly,
“What are you afraid of, Malcolm?”
A shiver runs through his slender frame and
for a second I have the feeling he’s trying to press even closer, though that’s
hardly possible.
His answer is very quiet, but in its
intensity it cuts right through to my heart.
“I’m afraid of losing myself. And I’m
afraid of what I might find at the end.”
All those months that we have been
together, that he has shared my quarters at night, my first cup of coffee in the
morning, all those months and I have known nothing of his fears. I feel ashamed
of myself.
I don’t know what to say.
I hold him close to me, feel his breathing
on my skin, his hands on my back, his slim, firm body against mine.
What shall I say? What COULD I say? What
would make sense? What could take away his fears?
Suddenly I realise that no matter what I
say, it won’t change a thing.
He has his own demons to fight. There is
only one thing I can do. Be there for him. Hold him. Try to understand him.
Love him.
I hold him closer, try to ease his fears
away by my mere presence. And slowly, ever so slowly, I can feel his body relax
against mine.
“I’m here for you,” I whisper, “let
yourself fall. I’ll be there to catch you. You want to know what you’ll find at
the end? I’ll tell you what you’ll find. You‘ll find an exceptionally man.
Brave, strong, loveable. That’s what I found. And I consider myself extremely
lucky to be loved by a man like that.”
“But I was weak.”
A slow protest, coming from somewhere
beneath my chin.
“When? I spoke with Trip and he told me all
about your part of my rescue. He told me he wouldn’t have been able to do it
without your stubbornness.”
No reaction. I stroke over the soft skin of
his back while I continue,
“He told me also that you was
pretty…upset…angry…ah hell, you was a pain in the ass to almost everybody. The
only reason Phlox and T’Pol were spared was that they had to stay in decon. Showing
concern for someone is no weakness. It just shows that you care. That you have
a heart.”
MALCOLM
A heart. Yes, I have a heart. Right at this
moment it beats only for the man who is holding me in his arms.
He doesn’t despise me? Doesn’t laugh about
my inability to separate professional and private life?
Hesitantly, I raise my head to look into
his eyes and all I see there is love. And affection. A little sparkle of humor.
All the things I love so dearly.
And I smile. Then I giggle. Then I laugh
heartily.
It’s so easy.
He loves me. And I love him. That’s it. No
‘what-ifs’, no ’whys’, just that simple.
“You’re amazing, love, you know that?”
His smile is almost blinding in its pure
joy.
“Jeez…I was wondering when you would
notice…” he teases.
In a loving bout I push him back to our
bed. When he falls, he yelps in surprise. Before he can react, I throw myself
on top of him, forcing the air out of his lungs. But he laughs, happy, freed.
We make love again, slower this time. The
kissing seems endless, his hands are all over my body, and I can feel an
intensity I haven’t felt before.
Something has changed between us. I know
that I can rely on him. That he will be by my side, no matter what happens.
I glide deeper, worship his body, kiss him
in every available place. I can hear Jon’s moaning and I smile. It’s me who’s
able to do this to him. Me alone. I close my hand around his erection, and he
gasps. I begin to move my hand up and down along his shaft, and involuntarily
he pushes into my touch.
Suddenly my desire to taste him is almost
overwhelming. I slide deeper and finally have his erection on eye level. And
without hesitation I take him in my mouth.
“GOD, Malcolm!” he almost shouts.
I want him. God, I want him so much. My
movements become more focused now, while I gently nudge at his left leg. He
reacts immediately and pushes his leg up, giving me access to his gorgeous ass.
I search blindly for the lube, sure that I
left it somewhere within reach last night. When I find it, I open it with one
hand. Luckily for me it has a flip-cap. I manage to make my finger slippery
without spreading half of the tube over the bed.
I’m almost achingly hard by now. My hands
are trembling and I don’t know how much longer I can hold back, when I slowly
push one finger into the body of my lover.
JONATHAN
It’s heaven. Pure bliss.
He’s so damned sexy. And hot. His mouth is
on my cock and all my thinking has gone poof…simply vanished.
I’m sweating all over when I feel his
finger entering me. He pushes slowly, carefully, as if afraid to hurt me.
But I’ve nearly lost him tonight.
Tender and careful is not what I want right
now. I want to feel. Him, me, us, everything. I NEED to feel him, so I push
myself back on his finger, causing him to gasp out in surprise.
“Whoa, Jon, give me a warning the next time
you do that. I almost pushed my whole hand inside you.”
My heart is beating wildly. I wanted that.
Well, not his whole hand, but more. More fingers inside me. More of his desire
filling me.
I look down and realize that I have trouble
to see him clearly. He’s making me so hot that I’m almost cross-eyed.
“Malcolm, take me now. PLEASE!”
My eyes adjust to his face, and I can see a
worried look in his eyes.
“Jon, I have only one finger in you and…”
“TO HELL WITH ONE FINGER! Take me!”
I almost yell at him now. I want him. Hard,
fast, deep. I need to know that he’s back with me. IN me. That I’m not dreaming
again. I want to feel his passion, his love, his lust. And I want to feel him
come inside me, want to see his face in the moment of white-hot ecstasy.
He’s moving up to lie by my side. His right
hand cradles my face as he kisses me deeply. Then he searches for my gaze,
holding it with his.
“Are you sure?”
I nod. It’s all I can do now. He’s sitting
up, and gestures for me to turn over.
“No,” I whisper harshly. “I want to see
you. Want to see your face.”
“Okay,” he whispers back, before he bends
down to give me one more kiss, hard this time, demanding, yet so full of love.
When he moves away from me, to kneel down
between my spread legs, I can see he’s trembling with anticipation. And I
smile. Not bad for an old man like me…I still can make a young man tremble.
He sees my smile.
“What are you thinking of?”
I tell him, and he laughs.
“Old man? You?”
He reaches for my cock, pumping it a few
times. Groaning, I let my head fall back onto the pillow. If he doesn’t stop
now, I’ll come. Through the haze of lust I can hear his voice, sounding very
amused.
“Now that’s impressive for an old man.”
I can feel his hands on my ass again,
lovingly pulling my cheeks apart. I shiver in the knowledge of what’s coming.
And finally I can feel the tip of his cock at my anus. It’s slippery, almost
dripping with lube.
He’s careful, inserting only the tip,
withdrawing almost immediately, before very, very slowly pushing back in.
This is nice, but not what I want right
now. And so when he pushes forward again, so achingly slow, I relax myself and
push down on him, taking him inside in one smooth motion.
Not a single word is said as we both stare
at each other, for a few seconds too stunned, too overwhelmed to say anything.
He’s buried deep inside me, so deep that I
can feel his balls on my skin. Now I know for sure that I’m not dreaming. No
dream could ever match this. Malcolm leans down to kiss me. Then he smiles.
“May I assist you, or do you want to fuck
yourself senseless on me, while I do nothing?”
I stare at him like a fish on dry land. Did
he really say ‘fuck’?
Playfully, I move my hip forward and am
rewarded with a deep moan.
“Oh my…you really have a way with words.
You spend too much time with Trip, I guess. But yes, please, I’d love you to
assist me. Would you, please, start moving now?”
This time he laughs out loud. What a
wonderful sound, and in the same second he starts to pull out and thrust back
in with barely controlled power. I start to move with him, and after a few
second we find our rhythm.
It’s fire running through my veins, it’s
incredible, unbelievable, and feels so damned good. Malcolm has my cock again
in his loving grip, and is stroking me in time to his thrusts.
I won’t last long even though the last time
we made love was less than four hours ago. He’s just too good. As I look into
his face, I can see that his eyes are open and that he’s looking at me, an
unreadable expression on his face.
Suddenly his movements become erratic,
almost frantic. Deeper and deeper he’s driving his hard cock in me now, and I
race toward my own orgasm with breathtaking speed.
I want to hold him, tell him to come
together with me, tell him I love him, but all I can do is moan, gasp, and when
he pushes me finally over the edge, I can feel he’s falling with me. I can hear
him yell, sob, scream, and above it all I can hear one word. He’s repeating it
like his own personal mantra.
“Never! Never!”
He’s never going to leave me. That’s all I
know when the power of my climax blows me away, and I explode.
MALCOLM
I collapse on top of him. Bloody hell, that
was the most intense orgasm I ever had. Jon is laying underneath me, softly
whimpering in the afterglow of his own fulfilment. I can feel him shuddering,
and see a lonely tear escaping his eyes.
I kiss it away, my heart full of love,
singing in its happiness.
Carefully I draw myself back, and grab for
the towel that is always just within reach. After I clean myself, I clean my
lover. The look he is wearing is one of content happiness. I toss the towel
vaguely in the direction of the bathroom before I pull up the duvet to cover us
both.
Jon’s arms close around me as I snuggle
lovingly into his side.
“I love you, Malcolm.”
I’m too tired to lift my head, so I move it
just a little bit and kiss his shoulder.
“I love you, too.”
We were so close to losing each other
tonight, in more ways than one. I won’t let it happen again. I found him. No,
we found us. And we’re made for each other.
He loves me.
And no matter what the future might bring
us, I will never leave him. Never.
I promised.
The end