1/5/98 I am the one least expected...I am new today...I am new in mind, body and spirit and I am new in heart...I am suprised to find so much good...I am opening my eyes...I am hoping it's not too late...I am unable to stop talking...I am unknown energy...I am in boxes...I am on the floor...I am scrubbing and grubbing and finally comfortable with discomfort...I am learning and accepting...I am giving and appreciating...I am thankful and grateful and sometimes sorry...I am not just some girl...I am not just pieces of dreams in powerful eyes...I am not perfect-AT ALL...I am family ...I am taming myself...I am offering my hands...I am forceful laughter...I am shy glances...I am wanting to get away from wanting...I am trying to focus on all that is now...I am trying to focus on all that is here...I am trying to focus on all that is you...I am blue and a litle green...I am "a case of you"...I am unaware of who "you" are...I am wondering if you exist...I am relying too heavily on the possible...I am not anymore...I am empty pockets and full arms...I am empty rooms and full closets...I am not empty...I am falling in love with "light"...I am dancing in the dark...I am not sure what to say...I am remembering how good your hands felt...I am looking forward to you...I am looking forward to us...I am praying and playing and paying...I am smiling...

2/7/98I am on my way...I am questioning, again...I am losing ground... I am rewinding and replaying and rewriting...I am changing the script... I am changing the language...I am changing...I am wishing that I had more power...I am wishing that I had the answers to your questions...I am only wanting to be "right"...I am sorry...I am further gone than I thought I was... I am sliding into you hands like jello...I am keeping my eyes open this time... I am watching you...I am letting everything else go over me...I am leaving it up to you...I am hoping that you see what I see...I am hoping that you'll let me show you...I am "confused" again...I am almost comfortable with confusion... I am almost comfortable with not knowing...I am almost comfortable with constant change...I am dual quoting...I am smile spots...I am red hair dye...I am taking anything that you give...I am wanting nothing but that...I am wanting to find what you're looking for...I am wanting to wrap up instant "happy" and give it to you on your birthday...I am wanting to tell you that every part of you makes me smile...even the alter ego...I am wanting to tell you a lot of things...

2/16/98 I am lil buckaroo...I am curling up and sleeping better than I ever have...I am Wednesdays...I am Thursdays...I am "no milk in the house"...I am making pacts...I am promising and planning and pretending...I am avoiding, not competing...I am loving the library...I am silent but deadly...I am remembering the weirdest things...I am soap and shampoo...I am parking random cars...I am smiling and smiling and smiling...I am bigger than anger...I am bigger than judgement...I am bigger than pointing my finger...I am clear mirrors and shiny floors...I am talking to my cat like he can understand everything that I say...I am really believing that he can...I am not wanting to leave, ever...I am days that seem like years and years that seem like days...I am hearing that falling is like this...I am being stalked and I am a stalker...I am flipping paper...I am great expectations...I am peanut butter in the middle of reeses pieces...I am cheese pizza...I am cheese-y...I am inviting you inside my glass house...I am super-secret...I am the cube...I am the small stuff that makes up the big stuff...I am not tired and I don't know why...I am going to bed, though...

2/24/98I am playing pretend...I am two pathetic souls...I am FREEZING...I am going to die...I am interstates heading in the right direction...I am a burgler...I am stealing blankets...I am running out of gas...I am singing in Italian, kind of...I am tangeled up in blue...I am not very fond of birds...I am watching you sleep...I am timeless and spaceless and full of useless information that's not really useless...I am ten years from now...I am planning...I am kissing ass...I am out of money and out of control, but I love it...I am picking up random bandanas from the street and wearing them in my hair...I am "chuttttt"...I am three different laughs...I am not getting annoyed...I am in love with your stories...I am willing to do anything to feeze these moments, yet they just keep getting better and better...I am thinking that two weeks in a really long time to go sans light...I am letting you drive...I am letting you in...I am letting you know...I am seeing only you and me (and "10,000 wars")...

4/2/98 12:00pmI am spending time with people and not computers...(ironic, no?)I am wanting to do everything and be everything and know everything, but I am sure I wouldn't know what to do if that were the case...I am inspirational professors and dry humor...I am "living Buddha, living Christ"...I am living me...I am journals to myself, and journals to you and different only in the pronouns...I am the Bible and all that it could possibly mean to me one day...I am the tee-shirt that still smells like you...I am sharing napkins...I am Bud Lite...I am Ani over Amy, or perhaps Jodie over Ani over Amy...but, not by much...I am "You okay? Ya okay?"...I am quoting and singing and smoking all in one room...I am the blue stripped pants and the black sweatpants...I am the blue sweater...I am missing you tonight...I am a sweepy baby...night night...

4/4/98 I am peanut butter without jelly...I am loving me...I am loving you...I am loving you loving me...I am Indigo singing Cat Stevens...I am wrestling and tackling and getting my ass kicked...I am dancing to Dar...I am gross German beer and a little bit of rum to wash it down...I am "silly" bars and screaming and spilling...I am watching boys get kicked out..I am the girls behind the bar....I am Clark and School and two dollars...I am shrooms and spicy food and LOTS of water...I am "on the right, I mean on the left, I mean on the right"...I am whales and babies and green water...I am almost forgetting to appreciate, but I am lucky enough to have someone to remind me...I am the house at Pooh corner...I am Swedish when I am thirsty...I am the realization that NOTHING is consistant and that EVERYTHING is a contradiction...I am okay with that...

4/20/98I am "trying to stand outside of this"...I am typing as I am thinking...I am a little scared...I am unable to focus on rhetoric...I am words for the sake of words and no meaning in anything...I am meaning in everything...I am disturbing movies about Vietnam and novels written in the most beautiful language about the most horrible things...I am cracking my back...I am king size beds and rolling and moving without physically trying to...I am funny girls with shaved heads and guitars...I am reading out loud on the beach...I am sweating...I am the elbow that kept hitting me in the face...I am cheeze balls and cupcakes and Dr. Pepper...I am driving while you sleep...I am at peace, most of the time...I am suffering and the cessation of suffering and the path to the cessation of suffering...I am knowing that the only truth is the pause between one breath and the next...I am certain about uncertainty...I am not confused with confusion...I am not satisfied with satisfaction...I am ringing phones that are never for me...I am not wanting to sit here waiting, but I'm doing it anyway...I am the girl who sometimes forgets...I am the girl with the weird dreams about alligators and kittens and oceans...I am "the girl with the weight of the world in her hands"...I am not a girl at all...I am so much more...and so much less...I am everything and nothing in one messed up ball...or something like that...I am better conversations with god...I am noticing that everyone wants to be him...or her...or whatever...I am really tired and needing to do something other than wait...

4/21/98 10:30 am I am sweating...I am hurrying past your window...I am hoping that you see me...I am hoping that you'll say something...I am worried...I am imagining the two of you...I am really long lectures taht I can't pay attention to because my mind is with you...I am curious...I am trying not to focus on the pictures in my head...I am the pictures and the way they make my stomach turn...I am the physical hurt that comes with the not knowing...I am the feeling that something just isn't right...I am hating that feeling...I am all questions and no answers...I am no responses...I am twenty minute silence...I am guessing...I am second guessing...I am forgetting things...I am one day that feels like both one year and one minute...I am time itself and how desperate it makes me feel...I am not assertive enough...I am not sure what it is that I said...or didn't say...I am three words that have never really meant anything to me until now...I am over reacting...I am wondering what the difference is, though, between an over reatction and merely a reaction...I am back now and finding that I still have more to say...I am listening to a song that we danced to...I am dancing like I never thought possible...I am lost...I am not afraid...I am finding myself in the wya that we move together...I am finally finding someone I can hold...I am quoting at the wrong times...I am walking past your window again, this time in the rain...I am the drops that collect on my glasses and make everything blurry...I am "a chipper, cheerful free for all and I light up a room"...I am forgetting how to light up a room...I am rooms that are now dark and empty...I am dark and empty, but not all the time...I am misunderstandings...I am going to class...

4/23/98 and 4/28/98 I am the sunlight as it hits the concrete buildings...I am the smell of "something cooking"...I am picking you up from babysitting...I am tonight...I am no cover, no ID's...I am dancing...I am people making fun of my dancing...I am failing midterms...

I am reoccuring dreams about religion and my parents...I am afraid that they'll somehow find out the one thing I have been successful in hiding...I am emails to my mother asking her to stop forcing "Jesus" on me...I am my whole body shaking...I am cereal...I am confusing comments from confusing people...I am "breeder spice"...I am self assurance...I am lacking...I am against abortion because it's taking a life but I am for the death penalty...I am totally kidding...I am wondering how anyone can make that statement and be completely unaware of the contradiction...I am the arts of controversy...I am not paying attention to the most boring professor in the world and instead writing notes like I am back in Jr. High Social Studies...I am Tori concerts that almost no one can get tickets to...I am pissed...I am the mess in my kitchen that's not mine but I clean anyway...I am trying to find my voice because I know the words are there...I am afraid of anger...I am afraid of losing control and giving in to emotion...I am afraid to go back...I am afraid of what I was, then...I am afraid of what I am, now...I am afraid of being afraid...I am completely random today...I am grocery stores and you...I am laughing when you get like that...I am driving "your" car...I am the "Sammax fund"...I am the plans and the projects and the parties...I am escaping with everything that I need to survive...I am dessert...I am being converted in more than one way...I am needing this damn class to end...

9/6/98 I am back...I am forgetting how it was that I used to write so often...I am living away from the computer...I am distance and how it makes my heart grow fucking fonder...I am counting the days...the hours...the minutes...I am the past four weeks and the surprise that we made it this far...I am the realization that I feel alive only when I am talking to her, thinking of her, or (especially) sitting next to her...I am sure that it was you that I have been writing about for as long as I can remember...before "you" had a name or a face or a truth...I am keeping myself busy...I am anticipation...I am trying to keep songs in my head at all times so that I can walk around with a smile on my face...I am the rememberance of the story telling...and the "name calling"...and the intensity that fills the room when your sleeve brushes my skin...I am big apartments and no roommates...I am furniture coming out of my ears...I am painting the walls two differnent shades of blue and buying glasses to match...I am turning into my mother...well, maybe not...I am being home for three weeks and wanting to pull my hair out half of the time...I am enjoying the other half...I am trips to church and comments about the "lord" in every sentence...I am not being preached at, though...I am being "shared with"...I am shorter than both of my little brothers...I am shorter than all of my friends...I am remembering a time when I was taller than everyone...hummm...I am old best friends and new adventures...I am the alchemist...I am only in search of dreams...I am not so much "searching" for anything anymore...I am complete...I am content...I am hers...

9/9/98 I am the sufferer of my "personal legend"...I am the bearer of the pieces that eventually make up truth...I am cynical optimism...I am both sides of the coin...I am my baby kitty when she chases shadows...I am alone on all the Jewish holidays...I am anticipating tuesday...I am the first ding party of the year...I am "friends all over this country, friends in other countries too"...I am still not sick of quoting ani, though I probably should be...I am the scratches that cover my body from Noa (the kitten)...I am occasional showers...I am two more years till college graduation...I am time as it gets faster each year...I am not wanting to go back, though...I am definate reasons to stay right here, right now...but, I am sometimes forgetting that...I am seven months and one week...I am seven more...I am the bed in my room that hasn't been slept in in three days...I am your bed...I am really needing to shave...I am really needing to get back to my "jobs"...ugh more to come...

Even Older "I Am's"

Addemdum

BACK HOME

� 2000 [email protected]

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws