11:15 am I feel like a walking time bomb…an overused expression, I know, but I myself am feeling a bit overused…I hate that I sometimes feel sorry for myself-but I like that I have that feeling less and less every year…a growing process, I suppose…a "strengthening" process…to be honest, though, I don’t want to grow anymore right now, to get any stronger…I don’t want anymore things in my life that I have to "overcome," to "get through"…I don’t care anymore that the more I am challenged, the stronger I’ll be…I was fine being "weak"…I was okay with throwing my hands in the air, with rolling over, with turning the other cheek…with, essentially, not fighting…but then all of these seemingly horrible things just ‘happened" to me, and i was forced to fight…so I did…probably because I was expected to and not because I wanted to…and people kept telling me how strong I was and how proud they were of me…they tried not to sound condescending, and they tried to understand, but really they had no idea what I was going through…and I thought, at the time, ‘hey, this isn’t so terrible-I can deal"…I was proud of myself, and surprised at just how much I could take…I think I was so busy proving I was strong, both to them and to myself, that i forgot to actually take the necessary steps toward getting there…it’s funny, but I don’t feel so strong anymore…I feel like giving up…I want to be able to stop fighting and let things just be…but it’s all piled on…I feel like the weight on my shoulders has gotten heavier, not lighter, with time…I feel like something is going to give-like something’s got to give…I find strength right now not from myself…but from other people’s words…not people I know-not friends or family-for I really feel close to no one at this time-absolutely no one…but that strength, that comfort I am able to find, is in the weirdest places…in movie quotes…in song lyrics…it’s pretty pathetic really…I had moved away from relying on such things to make me feel better…I had moved toward relying on people…and it was better that way…but I’m at a point right now where I am just about ready to shut them all out…to do what I did four years ago, and retreat into myself…to spend my time listening to music, reading books and watching movies…alone…I am almost to that point because people have disappointed me so much lately-and I really don’t know if I can take it anymore…however, this time is different…maybe because last time I started feeling like this there wasn’t really a "reason," and this time, well, there are several…or perhaps because, this time, I know that I can pull myself through…I know that I’m stronger than I think I am, I’m stronger than they give me credit for-and I can’t throw up my hands, even if I want to…because I know that, "this too shall pass"…I know that, though I don’t feel close to anyone right now, I will again at some point…I need to sop putting so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out, to be to a place in my life that I’m really not ready for anyway…and I put that pressure on myself only because I know (knew) what it was like to feel, pardon the expression, truly alive…I had it and lost it, and I wonder, sometimes, if it would have been better if I’d not had it at all…usually I come to the conclusion that, no, it wouldn’t have been better if I’d not had it…but it’s hard to come to that conclusion all the time…to be okay all the time…to tell them all that I’m fine…to not care that I want to make a connection with someone so badly-someone I can not, because of the situation, make that kind of a connection with…I’ve found that, so far, the "rules" don’t apply to my life…that "supposed to" doesn’t exist…that what might seem like a good idea to me might be a bad idea to someone else-even to the person I feel I’m closer to than anyone else…perhaps what I should do is to stop expecting anything at all, to stop getting excited when I meet someone new, someone I like a lot…but how natural is that? I can’t force myself to not have the feelings I have, much like I can’t force anyone else to have feeling that they don’t have…that’s the thing about feelings-you can’t control them…and you’ve got to realize that that "rule" applies to everyone-that people can hurt you, and you can hurt them just the same…and, no matter what, the second you start pretending to have different feelings than you actually do, the situation always gets worse…and, in the end, you’re going to be the one who has to sort it all out…no one can tell you how you feel, no one can make you feel something you don’t-no matter how much we want to put the blame on other people for the way that we feel, other people aren’t the one’s who are responsible…and I think it’s about time I stopped forcing things, stopped apologizing for my feelings, and said ‘fuck them" again…it’s not natural for me to pretend, for me to "put on a happy face," but I’ve been doing it-and I’m going to stop…at this point in m y life, when I seriously feel like, if one more bad thing happens to me I’ll explode, I’ve really got to start being honest, and stop being afraid…… "I think life chose me, after all" ~dar
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