4:10 pm what is my problem with telling people what they want to hear? I mean, I pride myself on being truthful�honesty is one of the qualities I look for first in a person�I hate lying�yet, I have such a hard time telling the "whole" truth to someone when it is a truth that is going to hurt their feelings�why is it so impossible for me to just say, "no, I don't want to spend time with you," or "actually, I'd rather be doing this�"? why? Because I find that "mean"�and I hate mean�I hate inconsiderateness�it's something I hate more than anything else�when people fail to take other people's feelings into consideration, it makes me very angry�and when people fail to take my feelings into consideration, it makes me very sad� perhaps I'm just too sensitive�I know that I'm not "too" nice�that's not the problem�I just don't want people to have to feel like I know I would if someone told me something I didn't want to hear�but, well, it's a necessary evil, right? I mean, most of the time, even if I don't want to hear something, I'm glad that I did�and it usually works out better than lying-or "stretching the truth"�there has got to be some middle ground here�a line between really hurting someone's feelings and really lying�it's a toughie, as most lines are�perhaps it's a self confidence thing�that's what my ex would say�that if you feel sure enough of your decisions, even if others might disagree or be hurt by them, you can be honest without feeling guilty�I think that's my problem�the guilt�maybe it comes from a mother who loved, with a passion, laying guilt trips on me�or maybe it's because I've been told so many things that I haven't wanted to hear, and they have hurt me so much, that I don't want to do that to someone else�either way, I can't tell if I'm being selfish and taking the "easy" way out by fibbing, or if I'm being considerate and taking the path of the "nice guy"��who the hell knows�I've been thinking about it lately�thinking about how it'd be so much easier if I didn't care so much about other people's feelings�or if I was sure enough about my own to know that my decisions were "right"�I've also been thinking about how nice it'd be for people to stop holding back so much�to really put it all out there�these are, obviously, two conflicting "thoughts"�I can't help it, who's free of conflict anyway?�it'd be so nice if everyone really was able to just do what they wanted�and people wouldn't get hurt�no?
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