12/12/00 3:33 pm sometimes it's okay, and I can smile and nod and "laugh to myself"…but other times I want to scream in her face and tell her to shove her rules and grammar websites and opinions of right and wrong, well, you know where…such is life when you are working a job for someone you have little to no respect for, someone who is as overbearing as your own mother, someone who feels the need to point out every tiny "t" left uncrossed or "i" left undotted…and yet, if I did have respect for her, if I thought that she had any idea what she was talking about, I might accept the criticism as constructive, take her advice, follow her "rules"…but she is a woman who is in a position of power only by default…maybe I should give her some credit, she works very hard…sometimes works long hours…sometimes makes sense to me…but, more often than not, her directions are all over the place and leave me with little more than a game of "put the pieces together," or "guess what I really want you to do"…I'm not an f-ing mind reader…I guess it's obvious that I'm frustrated with my job…it's a frustrating job and I'm working for a frustrating boss…it's no wonder I feel like this…
I came out of college like most people I knew, thinking that I had the ability to jump into an organization and "do something"…no "entry-level" bull shit for me, no thank you…but then I realized that there weren't a lot of options, and that I'd have to "settle"…though I never in my life want to merely "settle" again…I found a job in a city that I wasn't planning on living in, and, well, things never work out the way you think they will…and the job wasn't spectacular, certainly not the position anyone dreams of, but I adjusted…and realized that, more often than not, things are not going to be "what you dream of," and that it was okay…for things not to be perfect…for me to be working a job that has little to no pull in "making the world a better place"…
I keep telling myself that it's okay because it's only for a year…it's only to save money…it's only until I go back to school and do what I really want to do…but, until a couple of months ago, I was simply killing time…trying to just "get through" this period of my life until the next, better, period starts…and that was dumb…dumb and naive…because I don't want to kill time, or waste time or wait for something better…I want to experience something better than that… and, for the first time in my life, I was able to "make the best of it" as they say…it's weird, but even though that doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment, it wasn't easy for me…at all…I have never before been able to get myself out of a rut like I have lately…and I'm not sure how I did it…
I just started seeing things differently…I stopped expecting so much, and just let things be…I started doing what I wanted to do without thinking so much about it…I got myself back in the darkroom, I got a second job so that I could meet people my own age, I took a chance and started calling people that I wasn't sure wanted to be my friends, I got a volunteer position at a nursing home…and I don't do that…I've never done that…really taken control, that is…I've always been more of a "waiter"…and that's such a sucky way to be…(I know, "sucky" is such a great word)… as soon as I started getting more comfortable doing the things that I liked doing, and getting more comfortable being by myself, I stopped thinking so much about the fact that I was lonely, or the fact that I wasn't doing anything "spectacular"…and it was okay…sometimes you just need to stop yourself, take a breath, and say, "hey, you know what- I'm okay"…it's so simple…I'm okay…I'm not the happiest I've ever been, I'm not the saddest I've ever been…most of the time, things in life are just going to be, well, ho-hum…and expecting things to always be exciting or filled with drama is a good way to walk through life disappointed…or a guarantee that you'll be so bored when things aren't exciting that you'll create drama where there isn't any (know anyone like that?)…well, that's about enough for now, don't you think?