11/21/00
I am at ease�I am a full time job AND a part time job and plans to go back to school�I am a future teacher�I am the future�I am getting old�I am 23 and 9 days�I am six months that seem like six years�I am in transition�I am moving on�I am the not past enough past and the way it still sneaks up on me�I am the memory of maggie�I am 77 years old�I am a final release after two years in the grip of cancer�I am horrible diseases and funerals and watching the first member of my family die�I am loss�I am loss of family, loss of a girlfriend and loss of control over my body�I am three very bad things happening at the same time�I am an overshadowed graduation from college�I am break-ups and rape and death and the drama of retelling the stories�I am okay now, though�I am six months of deep reflection�I am solitude and finally okay with it, again�I am stronger than I ever thought I was�I am a believer in things happening for a reason�I am the comfort that comes with that belief�I am meeting people who make me laugh, but still wanting to meet more�I am learning and realizing and overcoming the fact that there are things that my "gut" is wrong about�I am three cats in three years�I am putting a cap on my cat consumption�I am too young to be living with three animals and no people�I am in a new town and only starting to get comfortable�I am trying not to rely on others for that comfort, but instead finding it within myself�I am the realization that love is not ever enough�I am overly forgiving, most of the time�I am na�ve when it comes to the intentions of others�I am the benefit of the doubt�I am the good nature of people�I am random acts of kindness�I am a good person, but when it comes down to it, I still need the acknowledgement of others�I am finally seeing a "plan"�I am finally plotting out a path�I am going to be okay if the path doesn't lead exactly as planned�I am needing to teach�I am needing to get out of the midwest�at some point�I am still not getting along with my mother�I am an almost three year relationship ending and the fear of getting involved like that again�I am the things I learned from that relationship and the ways I will make the next one better�I am the amazing friendship that has developed from that partnership, and the belief that sometimes people who think they are compatible really aren't�I am not of the mind that there is only one person out there for everyone�I am trying to enjoy "dating"�I am not made for it, I don't think�I am trying to keep my relationship/assault issues out of my potential relationships�I am failing�I am knowing that I can not keep any issues out of a relationship if it's going to be worth anything anyway�I am vague�I am a lot less poetic than I used to be�I am not as sad, or as angry, or as, well, sad as I used to be�I am hardly taking time to write or ramble or try to form poetry�I am an unused dark room�I am negatives that have been sitting on my desk for two months�I am needing to buy new chemicals�I am needing to take new pictures�I am in my element�I am letting my guard down�I am putting my chin up�I am not as confident as I sound, but a lot more confident than I look�I am a "what have I got to lose"? attitude and trying to keep it that way�I am the difficulty of finding comfort in a new town�I am the youngest person at work�I am the youngest person in my new group of "friends"�I am cool with that�I am being called "kiddo" and "hon" and I feel like I finally have older sisters�I am being looked after, by someone�I am trying not to think about the fact that my family doesn't know anything about my life�I am trying not to think about the fact that as soon as they do, nothing will be the same again�I am lying, still�but not to myself anymore�I am a hypocrite�I am needing and seeking and wanting truth, but I am only letting certain things filter through to my parents�I am telling them what they want to hear�I am telling them what they need to hear�I am thinking of telling them everything�I am afraid�I am not strong enough to accept their reactions�I am not strong enough to defend myself�I am not even knowing what it is I should be defending�I am patient�I am waiting for a sign of, well, something�I am hoping that I'll trust it�I am hoping that my relationship with my parents will be able to recover�I am knowing that it probably won't be able to�I am christian women's conferences and uncomfortable and fighting with my mom in public�I am crying and wanting to tell her everything�I am the barrier that has always kept us from really being able to reach each other�I am almost off of work for the day���.
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