11:30 am I've been really tired lately�I'm not sure if it's from moving, from going out too much, from eating too much pizza or what�I'm almost entirely moved in to my new place�I've got one more trip to make�it's quite the slow process when you're doing it alone�as is everything, I suppose�the good thing about my new place is, however, that I'm not alone anymore�I've got brian now�I didn't realize how much nicer it'd be to come home from work and have someone there besides three cats�I didn't realize how scary the reality of coming home to three cats actually was�I didn't realize how nice it would be to have a schedule�a pattern�a routine�I come home from work, he comes home from work, we work out (sometimes), we make dinner or go out to eat, he studies and I read, and then we put in a movie and fall asleep on the couches�what a fantastic life�I mean, it doesn't take much to make me happy these days, obviously�I don't have to go out�I don't have to be around a ton of people�it's nice�I was starting to really miss being around someone like that�I was really starting to miss the giving aspect of relationships�I know it doesn't sound like much, but when you've gotten used to being isolated-going to bed alone, getting up alone, being alone at work all day, coming home to an empty place, eating dinner alone-it's a very welcome change just to be able to eat a meal with another person�it's semi-sad and pathetic sounding, and I don't quite know how I got to that point�I suppose moving to a new town and trying to deal with some pretty huge issues did it� having a lot on your plate really forces you to need people�and most people are turned off by neediness�it's not like I can tell someone I just meet exactly what I've been going through�it's not like I can expect anyone to understand or really care if they don't yet know me�and yet I did...and it hurt potential friendships�it took me three months to even meet anyone here who I connected with at all�and three more to realize that it is okay that I don't have an established group of friends�it's okay that I don't have a "best friend"�it's okay that I don't have a girlfriend�and, it's okay to be alone�but it only because okay for me to be alone once I had the option of not being alone�interesting how that works�I like being alone, I like having my own personal time and space�but when I HAVE to be alone, and don't have any breaks of, well, being with other people, I hate it�I feel like an anti-social hermit�that's redundant�the point is-I enjoy being around people�I enjoy having relationships with people�I would rather cook for two than cook for one�I would rather watch a movie with a friend than alone�I would rather sit down and eat a meal with someone in the seat across from me�I would rather have two pillows on my bed than one�I think I've made my point�human beings are not made to be able to be alone�I'm no exception to the rule�at least in this case�it's the sharing thing�I like to share myself, to be close to people�sometimes I think it's a huge flaw�I'm more inclined to be needy�more inclined to feel bad when I'm not included in something�and hypersensitive to things like that�I've noticed that since I've been going through a, well, "rough spot" in my life, I've turned into a 13 year old�it's like seventh grade all over again�meeting new people, hoping that they'll like me, hoping that I'll be part of a "group"�wanting and needing to be included, and letting myself get hurt when I'm not�my feelings are hurt as easily now as they were when I was in junior high�what is up with that? It's like every time people go out and forget to call me, I get that horrible "I'm the only one not invited to the birthday party" kind of feeling�I don't' want to be that person�I don't' want to care about that�I want to be confident that people enjoy my company�I want to be confident that, when they don't call, it's not because I'm a hateful, awful person�I want to not feel like I'm 13 and instead feel like I'm 23�