11:15 am why do I feel like I need to be so independent, yet I still have such a hard time making decisions all on my own? I feel like I really should make an effort to pull away from things that are acting as a "crutch" for me right now�like I should pull away from people who's opinions, suggestions and approval sometimes mean more to me than my own�my persistent need to "do right," (and, again, the definition of "right" lies more in what others think than what I think) is clouding up everything I try to accomplish�I feel like I haven't been doing anything on my own, and that I need to start�I'd much rather be needed than be needy, and I feel like some of my relationships are unbalanced in that way�I don't' like seemingly one-sided friendships�and I don't like depending on someone so much that it's hard for me to make a decision without talking it over with that person�I don't like depending on someone so much that I have a hard time getting along without them�so, the obvious solution to me would be to do something to make me a little more able to cope on my own�I realize that there are times when everyone needs someone else�when we need help, when we need to talk, when we need a friend�but the person who helps me, the person I talk to, and the person who I call my "best friend" can not always be the same person�I've gotten too used to sharing everything with this one person, and I feel like it's hurting me�maybe I feel like that because this one person doesn't share everything with me�because this one person has someone else to share "everything" with�perhaps that's the real issue here�not that I want to pull away from her because I don't want to need her too much, but that I want to pull away from her because it still hurts my feelings that she has someone else, and I don't�interesting�I never really thought about it like that�as okay as I am with almost everything, it still hurts a bit to hear how wonderful things are between them, and to listen to my ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend tell me how hot my ex is, and how good they are together�these are all things I thought I was ready to hear�and now I'm not so sure�then again, will I ever really be able to hear those things? I mean, being happy for someone is different than being happy to hear all the details, right? and maybe I am getting to a place again where I'm bitter towards people who are in happy relationships�because it's not just my ex and her girlfriend�it's my friends who are together�it's my brother and his girlfriend of two and a half years�it's my roommate and her girlfriend and the way that they are always all over each other�it's all getting to me�and from reading over some past writings, I can tell that I'm really hung up on this "together" thing for someone who claims to be so, well, not hung up on it�and I wonder if that's normal�if this is the place I should be at right now�of course, the word "should" really isn't good in this situation, because who can tell me where I should or shouldn't be�the bottom line is that I don't like it�I don't' like feeling this way and I want to do something to change it�I'm moving out of my house�that's a change�and a big one�and one I'm not quite sure I'm ready for�it happened very suddenly�it was kind of a joke when I said, "maybe we should switch houses"�it's not a joke anymore�I'm moving out of my wonderful house�giving up a bedroom in the basement, a bathroom of my own�a lot of privacy�.BUT, I'm also giving up two bastard roommates, and getting one very nice one who is as clean as I am�and I'm gaining a whole apartment as opposed to just a basement�I mean, I did live in a house, but having the bastard roommates kept me downstairs for the majority of the time�and now I can be outside of my bedroom, and I'll have someone to hang out with�someone I like a lot�someone who is single and going through a lot of the same things I am�I was beginning to feel like a hermit-living in a basement with three cats�that's a pretty scary reality to me�I don't want to be anti-social�I don't want to totally shut myself off from the rest of the world�I don't want to lose myself to movies and books and end up living vicariously through the characters of fictional stories�I've done that before�it wasn't good�so I think that moving will help�I am just not excited about the actual moving part�the putting stuff in boxes, the loading up the car, the driving back and forth between the new place and the old�I've got so much stuff�and perhaps this will be an excuse for me to bear down a bit�for me to throw away or give away the things that I don't use�or the things that I don't need�I mean, is it really necessary for me to keep a stack of TIME magazines just because we had the weirdest, most horrible election in history? Not really�is it really necessary for me to have fifty pairs of shoes-some of which I've had since 8th grade? Not really�is it really necessary for me to collect matchbooks from different places I've been? Not really��.i've got such an excessive personality�.i don't just save important things, I save everything thinking that it'll one day be important�I don't just have one winter coat, I've got five�I've got over three hundred CD's, I've got over 75 movies, and I've got at least 25 blue, long-sleeved, button-down collared shirts�I mean, come on-that's ridiculous�do I need this stuff? Nope�is that going to make me get rid of any of it�probably not�enough already�this has gotten way too long�I'm proving my "excessive" point�
"you lose it, just to find it�and as you walk right by it, you forget how you got there...and why you never meant to stay..."
"the soul and the spirit, each have got their own limits"
~beth orton "feel to believe"