1:30 pm geesh. I have so much to write about I�m not even sure where to start. perhaps with the most recent, and then working backwards. I like backwards. though this will definitely jump around more than that. but, I like jumping around as well. so, last weekend I went backpacking in south eastern Arizona. it was intense. I mean, I�ve been hiking before. and I�ve been camping. but I�ve never quite strapped 40 pounds to my back and taken off in to the backcountry. and that�s what we did. I had no idea what I was in for. I don�t think they did either. I went with a friend from work, and her friend from college who happens to be in the army now. I know. that should have tipped me off that my weekend would be more like a combination of TV reality shows: �bootcamp� and �survivor.� we saw piles and piles of bear scat. we almost stepped on two rattle snakes and walked right over a beautiful and non-venomous king snake (they�re orange, white and black ringed). we went from 4,000 feet to 9,000 feet in one day of hiking. we lost the trail and found the trail and just about ran out of water. we didn�t see a single person for two days. I actually thought we were going to die at one point. all dramatics aside. on Sunday, the second day, our trail disappeared (the forest service out there decided that our trail didn�t need any maintenance at all, nor did it need trail markers. after all, it was a �most difficult� trail-damn hard-core army girl.). we knew there was a stream at the bottom of the canyon. but we were still 4,000 feet above it, and seemingly heading into more wilderness instead of down. it was almost noon. I had a sip of water left in my nalgene. one sip. and I was saving it. because we were lost. and I wasn�t sure, at that point, if we�d get down, or if we�d have to go back up to the peak we started from that morning and then back down the way we came up on Saturday. I almost lost it at that point. I�m inexperienced-I had no idea what to expect. and it scared the shit out of me. plus the level of physical exhaustion was far far greater than anything I�d experienced before. ever. or maybe I�m just REALLY out of shape. anyway, we found what looked like a trail, decided to take it, still unsure where it lead. after an hour of hiking on a very narrow, very obstacle-ridden ridge, we found our trail sign. two hours later we were at the bottom of the canyon, sitting on rocks and filtering our water in a very welcome, very cold spring. ok. so, two days of 7 hour grueling packing. am I a baby? I was dying. the physical pain was intense (I literally had to lift my left leg with my hands in order to get it more than 6 inches off the ground), plus the emotional stress of being lost in the woods with bears and cougars and rattlesnakes was not conducive to my �have a tiny adventure, but a relaxing labor day weekend� plan.
so that�s my backpacking story. I�m definitely going to keep at it. I just don�t think an unmaintained, �most difficult� trail in very harsh mountains was the best place to start. I guess that�s my big news. but it seems so much is going on. I�m constantly busy. and I�m not sure how I went from hanging out by myself almost every night to having one, if not two, things to do most nights. not that everything is merely �social.� I�m getting myself involved in activist groups (which is illegal since I work for the executive branch of the gov�t. shhhhh. don�t tell.), going to events in the community, and just plain hanging out with some kick ass folks. I�m so popular. ok, no. it�s just that it�s such a huge deal for me to be connecting with both people and activism that I can REALLY care about. it�s so nice. and such a change.
here�s a tangent I�d like to explore. I went to a principal/schoolgirl party a bit ago, and I found myself very much enjoying being dressed as a boy. see, I was going for the �casual Fridays� principal with my baggy jeans, white button-down, stripped tie and backwards baseball hat. though I don�t think �casual Fridays� exist in schools, nor do I think ties are �casual.� I wore what I want and tried to find a theme to fit that into. I don�t really care if it worked or not. what I find interesting is how much I liked being in drag. I had a little tuft of facial hair on that spot between my mouth and my chin (I know there�s a name for that, I just don�t know what it is). and I loved it. LOVED it. I could not stop looking at myself in the mirror. as vain as that sounds. I was intrigued. completely. and so yesterday I started talking to my friend t about it. actually, she brought it up. she�s got fantasies of turning me in to a drag king. I played hesitant for a bit, but then completely surrendered and told her that I�d secretly love to perform. I�ve got this tiny (*~tiny*~) little performer in me. it�s more like a streak than a whole little person, but I know it�s there. I also know I like the idea of genderfucking just a bit. but more than that, it�s just that I�ve always had a fascination with dressing like/being a boy. when I was three my parents found me in their bathroom, one cheek covered in shaving cream, the other bloody from my botched razor job. when I was in sixth grade I got my friend chris to dress up as a guy with me (I was �mel�). I think I still have the pictures. when I was in ninth grade my friend alice and I dressed up as guys and put on a show for my parents. now, I really think these examples are things that a lot of kids do. and I�m not going to put too much thought in to �what it means,� because I�m sure it doesn�t mean much of anything other than that I sometimes want to look like a boy. but, do lots of girls get really excited about putting on a tie or facial hair? hummmmm. I�ve always been a bit of a tomboy (though I sometimes hate that adjective. I mean-how come a girl who likes to get dirty and climb trees as a 12 year old isn�t just a girl who likes to get dirty and climb trees? how come she�s got to be labeled a boy?), and I�ve always believed that I have a very fluid gender identity. but why am I thinking about all of this now? a number of reasons, probably. I just finished �stone butch blues� for the second time. I�m going to see a screening of �southern comfort� tonight. I�m going to see �hedwig and the angry inch� this weekend. I�ve got some trans friends in Tucson, and one in Chicago (this is not a �look-how-cool-and-liberal-I-am-because-I-have-trans-friends� statement). it makes sense for me to think about it. I want to think about it. jesus. this is a long post.