3:44 pm so I feel like I�m SO missing out on good music this summer. nothing good even comes near Tucson. and I am so sick of hearing about the folk festivals on the coasts and ladyfest in Chicago and just damn good music going on everywhere but here. not cool. I suppose once I�m a bit more settled in the job and have a bit more money (okay, A LOT more money) I�ll be able to partake in some of the summer festival-ing. but now I have to wait another year. ::sigh:: on another note, I hate hangnails. and bug bites. I think I�ve got bed bugs. I wake up every morning with red welts all over my feet and ankles. it�s not attractive. and I�m all itchy all the time. I should pick up some of that pink stuff from the drug store, but I�m too lazy and too cheap. what�s up with my hair today? I keep thinking that it might look *good* to get the front to stick straight up. I�m not trying to be punk. it�s more that I like me some semi-david schwimmer hair. perhaps I just want to be a boy. but the sad, sad truth is, I don�t look good with my hair like this. there is something comically ::off:: about it. fits in with my goof-ball, sarcastic, laughing-at-the-wrong-moments personality, but not so much with my professional job. oops. and the people I work with still think I�m straight. my boss and her friends are constantly talking about guys. constantly. way more than I�ve ever talked about girls-even if I�m obsessing. and even though I make comments such as, �I�m not in the market for a boyfriend,� and �sure, he�s cute, if you like that sort of thing,� they still don�t get it. perhaps I�m not as straightforward as I think I am. and I never directly said, �well, I don�t date boys, I date girls.� of course, right now that�s not true either. hummmmm. which brings up questions about identification. good god, I�m random this afternoon. but, really, since I�m not actively �being� gay, and haven�t been in quite some time, am I still a dyke? of course I am. I guess it really doesn�t have anything to do with my actions. I thought I was a dyke long before I�d ever even thought about doing something about it. I mean, I was 17. I identified as, well, at that point, �not straight.� I knew I dug chicks. I still do. but I think I went from �okay, I�ve always had a boyfriend or two, but I think I like girls, too,� to �I�m a dyke. I don�t want a guy near me,� to �hummm, do I really not like guys?� to �I like guys, but not enough to want to spend my life with one.� I guess that�s where I am now. I get crushes on men. a lot. and I like guys. a lot. but it�s just different. I like them differently than I like women. I have somehow successfully separated the two worlds, and I�m not sure if I can re-merge them now. because no matter how much I * like * a guy, I don�t get all stupid and tongue-tied and dizzy around him. but when I really like a woman, that�s it. I�m sweaty and nervous and stumbling all over myself. anyway, I�m trying to weed myself off of being a natural romantic. it�s made me silly and disappointed. but, I suppose no matter how I disguise it, it�ll always be there. the most inappropriate lines from �superstar� keep coming out of my mouth at work. my boss just walked by and I said, �you want me to spank you?� I think she likes me. I hate hang-nails.