11:02 am I'm not quite sure what is happening to me lately�I just went back and reread some of the things I've written in the past months, as I do from time to time, and I realized that everything I say I've already said at one point or another�even saying that I'm redundant is redundant�but, I don't know, perhaps it still all means something different�it's just strange to me to look back to december and realize that I had written "I'm not angry anymore" and perhaps honestly felt that way�because right now, I know what has taken place between december and now, and I know the things that I felt during that time�and I certainly WAS angry�but not just that-I was all over the place�I was sad and then declared that I was "over it" and then was sad again; I was pissed and then claimed to have shed my anger and then was pissed again�it was all so up and down and coming and going and I never really did have a handle on it all�I had my good days in which I wrote strong, empowering things�but then I had the others, and they were more frequent and more forceful�now, however, I just feel different�I suppose I've been saying that all along, and it doesn't really seem to me that I meant it before�so, really, how can I be sure I mean it now? I can't�but I look at myself last december, last september, last may, and I honestly think - my god, who was that person? Of course, I realize that people do in fact grow as they, well, grow, but this feels like more than that�I ran into a wall last spring and summer, and I fell flat on my ass�and while I was down there, things just kept kicking me, making it hurt more, making the bruises bigger, deeper�and I think what happened was that I moved to iowa city and the bruises had faded, so no one could really see that I had been beat up, that I had been drop-kicked and left-hooked and black-eyed�but I hadn't really healed�I hadn't really done much of anything before I got here, nor during the first three months�I would have one good day when I'd look in the mirror, not see any scars, and think that meant that I was fine, that I was finished "overcoming," that I could move on�and I was wrong�but now, now, like I said, it's just different�it's not just a lack of the really bad feelings that made the bad days the bad days, and it's not just a fleeting moment of feel-good-ness�I'm really okay, and that doesn't change from day to day�I don't' have the reactions I had to things�I don't get so sad or feel so down or care so much�and, really, I'm just not angry�I know how to put things in perspective, how to readjust when things get knocked out of whack�how to fight back when I get knocked around�and I know when it's not even worth it for me to fight at all�the confidence that I have gained in the past year sometimes astounds me�I'm not scared and I'm not sorry and I'm not going to make any excuses�I am very grateful to have gotten through what I needed to get through, that I have such strong, amazing friends who will listen to me ramble on the phone and will read my choppy, run-on emails, that I have amazing opportunities in front of me�there really is no looking back now�the past is the past, and I 100% feel that I am ready to tuck it all away in it's place, and move on�