11:12 am I've got a new series of mantra's today�I won't list them for they aren't that much different from yesterday's�yet, there is something that is very different from yesterday�I've spent the past eight or so months in deep (sometimes too deep) reflection�I've over-analyzed, over-thought and assumed way too much�I've made bold statements about myself and others, retracted those statements, and then made them all over again�I've contradicted myself more than I'm used to�as I write this, I am still doing it�trying to figure out what it all means�and I'm not really sure why I (or anyone else) does that�it's not like there are answers to the questions I have�and though I find no problems with being a thoughtful, inquisitive person, I do find problems with the extent to which I spend my time doing these things�sometimes I think it's not okay that I'm taking a little "healing" time right now, that I've removed myself from a lot of my past relationships, that I'm determined to do this on my own�and then, I wonder why it is that I feel it's not okay�especially when taking this time is definitely something that I need, definitely something that is helping me move forward, helping me overcome the things that have been holding me back�and, usually, I feel healthy�and proud�because I can see a difference between how things were, and how they are�perspective is a funny thing�the mistakes I've made and the not-so-good things that have happened to me in the past year have enabled me to see things more clearly than I did before�I think I used to be one of those people who was merely going through the motions-letting things happen to me, not thinking about my decisions too much�and now, I can only see my past in a positive light-because it's forced me to be active�to realize that I do have a voice, and a say in what my life becomes�it's very frightening to me that I grew up not knowing that�it's very frightening to me that my brothers were allowed to have voices, to express anger, to confront; and I was not�it's very frightening to me that we, as women, are socialized to keep our mouths shut when we have a problem, to keep anger and rage inside, to keep our voices down and our complaints at a minimum�I did not grow up thinking it was okay to be angry or okay to confront someone if I disagreed with them�so whenever I naturally felt something, and was told that I wasn't supposed to let anyone see that, I lost a little bit of confidence in those feelings�and now I'm pissed�I'm pissed that I have to relearn something that should have been a very basic part of my upbringing�that I have to learn how to stand up for myself, that I have to learn how to be confident enough in my opinions and decisions that I can voice them without any fear of confrontation�it just all seems so ridiculous to me�I'm a well-educated, well-adjusted individual, and I'm lacking things that are, in theory, so simple�I suppose growing never stops, and that learning is very much a "two steps forward, one step back" process�I have no choice but to move forward�