3:20 pm 2:20 pm I just did something I'm not so certain about now that it's done�in fact, I can't believe I really did it�wow-I'm making this sound like it's a huge thing-like a tattoo or something, well, bigger than what I actually did�I wrote an email�that's all�a chicken-shit, cop-out way to deal with something�an immature act that I can only defend by saying "I had to"�I really had to�when something has been on my mind for months, and I've done nothing to clear it up, I soon reach a breaking point�and then I do something dumb-like writing an email demanding an explanation from someone who doesn't owe me an explanation�but I somehow feel justified, and glad that I didn't just keep ignoring it�it was a weird situation and I didn't understand it�did you ever notice how, when you're "new," you have to pretend to be a lot more shallow than you actually are? Because when you first meet someone, it's not about their "deepest, darkest" secrets�it's about surface-level things�things you may have in common, things you like or don't like�but not who you are�not what has happened to you recently that makes you who you are�when you're new, you can't just start talking to someone as if they have known you for years, and you certainly can't expect them to care about what you've done during the years that you haven't known them�so, when does that happen? When do you move beyond being "new"�when can you start to talk about things that you need to talk about with friends, but that you can't very well drop on mere acquaintances�and where is that line? I think I've confused too many people for friends�I think I've had moments when I just really needed someone, and forced an acquaintance into the friend category�that was a mistake�and now I feel like I'm extra cautious�like everyone I meet will automatically be an acquaintance and stay an acquaintance�like I don't want to do what I've been doing my whole life-I don't want to share anymore�I don't want to talk to just anyone�I don't want people to know me- me-me-the stuff that doesn't come out right away�I feel like I've already given too much of it away�and that every time I did that, I lost some for myself�the past couple of weeks have been hoarding weeks for me�I've been keeping it mostly to myself, dealing with it myself, and learning to enjoy holding on to it more than I have before�I've kept my mouth shut when I want to make a comment about something "deep" or something really significant to me, because I've come to realize that most people aren't listening when I say those things anyway�why waste my thoughts on them? and I wonder if I'm thinking about this in the right way�or if I'm just hurt and reacting that hurt�or if I'm finally realizing that I need to be a little more protective, to keep a little more to myself, to stop forcing friendships�maybe this way I'll have something left when I meet someone who I want to share it with�right now, even though my best friends are scattered across the country, across the world even, I am okay knowing that they're there and that if I need to, I can share anything I want with them�