11:00 am this week has been good�and when I say "good," I mean that I've felt, well, good-really good�I've felt so alive, so energized, so ready�ready for what, I'm not sure�I got myself back on the right track:-I got medicine that's strong enough to finally kick this sinus infection, I've been loading up on vitamins, I started working out again, I have been going to bed early and waking up before the sun does�I've been taking time each morning, when everything is still quiet, and dark, and still, to merely sit and reflect�call it meditating, call it praying�whatever it is, it's working�I've got a bounce in my step that I thought was long gone�I catch myself smiling for no reason, and laughing out loud, mostly at myself�I catch myself observing and not being as annoyed as I once was�nothing I could have ever read in a self-help book (eeew-self-help books!), nothing I could have ever learned from my mom, my dad, or my best friend, nothing a therapist could have ever told me, prepared me to deal with the things I've been dealing with lately�I've found, instead, an incredible strength in my body, in my mind, in the spaces between each breath�I can see progress, I can see myself in the past, at a point when I could never have been able to turn myself around like I have�and I can see how much that has taught me�how much my past relationships have taught me�how much my pain, hurt, anger, bitterness and sarcasm have taught me�I am learning to let that all go�the emotions were so congealed, thrown together in one sticky mess, somewhere in my mind, but more in my heart�now, I feel as though it's outside of my body-as if it's inside a balloon-a beautiful, big, blue balloon�a balloon that I'm still holding the string to�I'm not sure I'm ready to let it all fly away just yet�but, now that I'm separate from it, I can look at it more clearly, more closely�I can see it for what it is, what it was, what it means for the future�I realize that, though I'm still holding on to that string, it's not holding on to me-it's not hindering my life in any way, it's not holding me back�I read an amazing story the other day�I've posted it on this page�it opened up something in me�something that needed to be opened�I'm learning to be alone without bitterness�I'm learning to look at people who I've let hurt me-hurt me terribly-without bitterness�I'm learning that everyone has their "thing"; that everyone is dealing with it, and perhaps several "its"�I'm choosing to be alone, choosing to take myself out of situations that are unhealthy, to stand on my own, and to stand firmly, planted�because I know, with time, I'll attract who I'm supposed to attract�I'll meet people who don't make me feel like I need to jeopardize what I am; people who won't manipulate me, or my willingness to give; people who don't need to be drunk every night�and though I am positive that there will be people who will enrich my life again, I am not going to sit here waiting for them�and I'm not going to expect them to stay once they're here�if anything, being in this town, meeting people who have no idea how to be a friend, meeting people who are nothing like me, has taught me to really, truly value the friends I have scattered across the country, and to really, truly value myself�cheese-ball statement, much like this whole cheese-ball entry�it's hard to steer clear of clich�s when I'm feeling so empowered, so alive, so in control� go me!