11:11 am when I go back and reread some of the things I've written and posted on this web page, I sometimes am a bit shocked with myself�I've come across as flippant when discussing some very serious things�I suppose when one is as used to talking about certain things as I am, they start to feel sort of "everyday"�that's not what I mean, what I mean is, they start to not seem so BIG�and because of that, I can say something like "I was raped by some guy that I let sleep in my apartment" without taking a second to really think about what I'm saying�to me (sometimes) it's the same as if I had said, "I locked my keys in my car"�there is a sense of something bad there, but it's merely an inconvenience, one of those things that just happens�it's strange to me that I can feel that way when I'm writing, or when I'm telling someone about it for the first time�I write or speak about horrible events in list form- rattling off one thing after the next, not letting myself have any time to think about what I'm saying�it's become mechanical to me�I can do it without much emotion�and, thinking about it now, I find that way of coping a bit strange, though probably common�thinking about it now, I wonder how it is that I was able to be so numb�I wonder how it is that I can still be numb at times�it's not that I don't think about it, all of it, I do, all the time�but sometimes I really feel like, enough is enough already�I don't bring it up much with most people, even the people who know all the details�I feel like I've been given my proper amount of time to deal with it, like it should be out of my mind�and, most of the time, if I do bring it up, people brush it off�and I can understand that, but it's not easy�for me to really need to talk about it, and to feel like no one wants to hear it except the person I'm paying to hear it, and my ex-girlfriend, is difficult...and i suppose that's why i write it all down...that way, if you don't want to hear it, you stop reading...and if you do, it's not like i'm forcing it on you�I just want it to be okay that I am still hurt�I want it to be okay that I am still confused�I want to stop having nightmares�I want to stop cringing when someone touches me in a way that suggests something more than friendship�I want to stop seeing his face, or feeling like I can't breath because he's still on top of me�I want to stop feeling bad that I didn't call my grandma before she was too sick to be able to answer me�I want to erase the picture of her the day she died, the way she struggled to breath and the pain it looked like she was in, even though she was unconscious�I want to forget the look on my grandpa's face when he got back to the hospital and realized that she had died while he was gone�I want to stop remembering what it felt like to hear you say that you were really dating someone else�I want to make that ache in my stomach go away when I think of how I felt then�I want it to be okay that I had no say in the situation, to be okay that I couldn't change the mind of the one person who loved me the most�I want to trust, really trust that all of these things happened to me for a reason�that I lost my partner, my grandmother, and the thing that that bastard took from me when he raped me, because I was supposed to, because that was the way things were meant to be�I want to stop crying so much or so easily, and realize that, no matter what, I'm not in control�