3:20 pm I can't believe it's february�it doesn't seem like I've been here for six months�this place still doesn't feel like "home" to me�not that I expected it would�but that's something that's very important to me-having a home�and, right now, I still feel a bit uprooted�I don't like that�but I have realized, more and more, that this is not the place that I want to call home�and, that the actual place is not what makes a home for me anyway�it's a comfort issue, a people issue�in order for me to feel "at home" I need to be around people I am comfortable with, people who know me, really know me�or, just one person who does�one person has been "home" to me before, I don't see why that couldn't happen again�but I wonder why that is so important to me-knowing people and having them know me�so important that I feel somewhat incomplete without it in my life�when I've got acquaintances, casual friends, I just don't feel right�I don't' feel part of a group, I don't feel included�I feel like a floater�and, maybe that's okay for right now�the place I'm at in life is a very, well, unstable�I've got no strings, I could go anywhere, do anything�that should make me feel free, right? it's very exciting, it is, but it scares the hell out of me that I've really got no plans�I miss having strings�It's easier to be on a path, or to have a connection that will lead you toward something�I was there�I didn't think so much�I just followed�and now, well, no one is telling me what to do�no one is making any demands�no one will really even be affected by what I choose�and this may be the only time in my life that I can say that�perhaps that's why it's so difficult for me to make a decision at this point, for me to choose something completely on my own�and I feel like I have to take advantage of that�to do something crazy, to do something I really want to do, to make something happen�I want to go to australia for a couple of years�I want to go to school for photography�I want to stop working and spend all of my time writing a screenplay�I need to do something creative, something "different"�but not different for the sake of doing something different�different because what I want is not conventional, it's not practical, it's not what your dad would tell you to do�am I going to do it? Probably not�do I feel like I need to? Definitely�do I feel like I should? Yeah, most of the time�do I feel like I really have a choice? Not really�I think it's from years of listening to other people tell me what to do�I'm dumbfounded�I don't quite know where to start�I don't yet trust the statement that one can accomplish anything if one really wants it bad enough�it's a lack of perseverance�I think I've always had that problem�it's not something I like to admit�I give up too easily�I am quick to throw up my hands�I come up with excuses readily�and if I know something is going to be difficult, or that there is a great possibility I might not accomplish what I want to accomplish, most of the time I don't even bother trying�I mean, it's a pathetic trait�I'm not a bulldog�I've got no fight�no tenacity�I like things to be nice and easy�who doesn't, really�I suppose that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate a challenge, but I don't appreciate a challenge of this sort�a "do something meaningful with your life" sort of challenge�I suppose I'm at that point�it's not like what I choose to do now is a final decision�it's not like I can't get to a certain point and then turn back and start over�but I feel like they are so important-the decisions I make right now�and that they carry more weight than any I've been faced with before�only this time, for the first time in my life, I am facing them totally alone� there is only one person who chooses, and it's me��..