* I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
* Life is too short to dance with ugly women.
* My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. I'm going to miss her.
* Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
* Nobody is ugly after 2 a.m.
* Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
* If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
* If it's too loud, you're too old.
* Wink; I'll do the rest.
* The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
* I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
*As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
*Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot.
*I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... not screaming and yelling like his passengers.... 
*Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
*Be nice to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home.