Here I stand tall
With shameful face
I want to be honest
On my lies
And direct and forthcoming
On my avoidance and
Disappearance of self
You push and I push
You push and I push
You push and end up here
With me
Underneath
Do not fear my children
They each are born of
My shame
This one is 5 and sleeps
With the alley cats
Better than sleeping with
Her cousins in
That room
But at 6 there is no escape
Not even in the metal locker
With the darkness and the rats
I birthed another at 7
When that man showed me
What I couldn�t understand
And 8 when the neighbor
Gave me lessons of things
I did not wish to know
11 saw the birth with the death
Of my father.
And the death and birth of my
New found faithless cross
12 was a relative who
Talked to me as a wife
And I obliged
With his children in the back seat
13 all the boys did take the pieces
I had left. But the men got them first
And at 14 a familiar stranger
Was the one to kill the connections
15 and the boy who hit me like I was
One of his foster siblings
16 came the year of loving
What didn�t love me
Including the teacher
In his front seat
Too much red wine
And too much of me
16 was the summer the boy
Got on top of me in the locked building
And the next 32 year old pulled him off
Only to take me home in the rain
17 had me suicidal and fat
So no one would touch me
And 18 I finally laid the law
Down to my half brother
At knife point I threatened his life
For just one more hit
19-25 I gave up on men completely
A woman was my salvation
And I learned a very tragic lesson
Women do hit women
And rape them as well
27 saw me with a boy from my high school
And babies and me and him don�t mix
I lost both in the span of a month
I wouldn�t have made a good mom anyways
And he had this love of heroin and hitting
So off he left with a piece of me
Though there wasn�t much left
My 30s had me breaking beautiful boy�s hearts
Like candy canes. So fragile and delicious
I want to say none of them touched me
I want to say none of them reached me
I want to say it was someone else
And it was
I am not her
Just the ghost of her
