Hello. My name is The Devil. You may have heard of me by my other names, but I prefer you call me The Devil. It is just easier to pronounce.
You may be asking yourself, "Why am I reading a story told by The Devil?" Oh, I will tell you why? You are reading this story because I will eat your soul if you don't! Scared yet? No? Ah, I tried. Actually, I don't eat souls, as rumor may have it. I'm actually a pretty decent guy. I enjoy sipping tea, drawing sad clowns, watching chick-flicks, and taking long walks on the beach. I'm what you call the "sensitive" type.
Although I try to be on my best behavior, I do have a job to do. I am The Devil, you know. Every once in awhile I have to do some dastardly deed, or else the Big Guy Upstairs gets upset, and I will lose my job. We can't let that happen, so everyday I try to cause a little "mischief". Today just happens to be Wednesday, a.k.a. Hump Day. I haven't done anything bad today, so I better get on the ball! I have an idea! You, the reader, can come along too! You can see The Devil at work, and then afterwards we can go catch a movie or something.
But what should The Devil do today? It's going to take some serious planning on this one. I have to leave my "mark" on society. This has to send shivers down the spines of people from across the globe. I will have to do the unthinkable, something UNHEARD of.... I'VE GOT IT!!!! I know what my wrong-doing for today will be! Are you curious as to what my vile plan is? Then accompany me, as I intend to show you!
At this moment in time, I am at my apartment. Let me get my shoes on (which happen to be Reebok Pumps), and we'll be on our way!
The place where my mischief will take place is two miles from my apartment. Since I don't own a motor vehicle (I can't afford one), we will have to walk there. What a walk it will be! If only it was a beach, I would enjoy walking there. But instead, this is the urban region, a.k.a. the city. Do you know what happens in the city? People get mugged, that's what happens! I've never been mugged myself, but I've witnessed a mugging before. And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty! I think there needs to be less mugging and more non-mugging, that way it would balance out the "Mugging to Non-Mugging" ratio.
Enough facts about the city, it's time to put this show on the road! I think it would be in our best interest to go past the school, through the park, and past the gas station. The great thing about taking this route is that we can stop at the gas station and get a candy bar and a soft drink! The bad thing about taking this route, however, is that there is also a cemetery along the way. Not just any ordinary cemetery, but a HAUNTED cemetery! I've never seen a ghost myself, but I've heard tales. Tales that would make a grown man weep like a little sissy-girl. Oh, well. We could always just run past the cemetery.
Up ahead is the school. It must be a grade school, because there are children outside playing kickball. I remember having recess in grade school, and then NOT having recess in middle school and high school. THOSE STUPID PEOPLE!!!! Why did they take away our recess?! Oh, well. It doesn't matter now anyway. I'm finished with school. I've been finished with school for a LOOOOOONNNGG time.
Look at that little boy over there, standing by the tree! He must have a staring problem, because he's staring right at us! How rude! Didn't his mother ever teach him that it's not polite to stare? I'll ask him.
"Hey, kid! What's your name?" I called out.
"My name is Little Henry," he answered.
"Say, Little Henry, didn't your mother ever teach you that it's not polite to stare?" I asked. "As a matter of fact, no, she did not," Little Henry said.
"Why are you staring?"
"I am curious to know something. Would you mind accepting my invitation to join our kickball game?"
"Kickball game?" I asked. "I'd hate to show you all up at kickball...."
"Show us up! HA!!!! I chuckle at your silly statement! Did you hear that, gang?" he called out to his fellow peers. "This fellow right here says he could show us up at kickball!"
All of the kids suddenly stopped playing their kickball game. They appear to be approaching us! It looks as though there is an accumulated total of five kids coming our way, with Little Henry making six.
"Allow myself to introduce the crew," Little Henry said. "You already know me, Little Henry. That is Little Anderson, that is Little Suzie, that is Little Larry, that is Little Baxter, and that is Little Abigail."
Since they were nice enough to introduce theirselves, I will do the same.
"My name is The Devil", I told them.
"The Devil, eh?" spoke up Little Abigail. "Well, I say you area fraidy-cat! You are a fraidy-cat because you are afraid to accept our invitation.... our invitation to whoop your butt at kickball!" You know, I wasn't going to play these kids at kickball. But since that little girl said that, it has gotten me pumped up to kick some ball, not to mention some little kids' butts!
"Oh, it's on now!" I yelled. "It's on like Donkey Kong!"
"Before we start playing, however, let's first make a friendly wager," Little Henr suggested. A wager?! They caught me off guard on that one! I was expecting anything BUT a wager!
"What do you have in mind?" I asked them.
"I spy with my little eye those shoes you have on," Little Henry said.
He must be talking about my Reebok Pumps! My Reebok Pumps are the greatest and best shoes in the history of the world! Surely he's not thinking of placing my Reebok Pumps on the line!
"You must be talking about my Reebok Pumps!" I shouted. "My Reebok Pumps are the greatest and best shoes in the history of the world! Surely you're not thinking of placing my Reebok Pumps on the line!"
"That is indeed what I intended to do," he explained. "This kickball game will consist of the following teams: "Team Little Henry/Little Anderson/Little Suzie/Little Larry/Little Baxter/Little Abigail", and "Team The Devil". The members of "Team Little Henry/Little Anderson/Little Suzie/Little Larry/Little Baxter/Little Abigail" will include me, Little Anderson, Little Suzie, Little Larry, Little Baxter, and Little Abigail The members of "Team The Devil" will include you. If "Team Little Henry/Little Anderson/Little Suzie/Little Larry/Little Baxter/Little Abigail" shall happen to defeat "Team The Devil" in this kickball game, then your shoes must transfer from your possession to my possession."
Did you get all of that?! That Little Henry sure has a mouth on his ugly little face, doesn't he? On second though, we should just forget about these kids and continue on our route!
"Hey, kids!" I shouted. "Guess what?"
"What?" Little Henry asked.
Now's our chance! We have them confused! Make a mad dash towards the park up ahead! I have faith in your ability to run!
Well, we are at the park now. I think it is safe to say we lost them. Thank goodness! I don't know how much more of that little boy's mouth I could handle!
This park sure is pretty. There are a lot of trees here. Trees are pretty. But don't let the beautiful plant-life fool you! This park is best known for the crooks and bandits who like to prowl around upon unsuspecting citizens who are well-behaved and pay their taxes, and mug them as if there were no tomorrow! Those are the kinds of things that take place when you grow up in 'da 'hood, like I did, and those ae the kinds of things that take place here.
Let's run past those trees off to our right, then we can sneak past the water fountains, and get on the sidewalk that leads past the gas station. Does that sound like a plan to you? It does? Great! It sounds like a plan to me, too! Hopefully we won't get mugged while carrying out our plan!
Well, we made it to the trees that were to our right. Let's see if we can make it to the water fountains!
There! We made it to the water fountains! We need to get going, but as long as we are here, it wouldn't hurt to get a little sip of nice, cold, refreshing H2O! After all, we deserve a little break for daring to venture where no man has dared to venture before!
Mmmmm, boy! This water sure does hit the spot! It could quite possiby go down in history as the best gosh-ern water I ever did sip!
"Put your hands in the air, and give me all of your money, or else suffer the consequences!" a voice from behind said.
I turned around, only to come face to face with a criminal! Oh, no! It appears as though today is the day! The day that I finally and officially become mugged!
I know what I'll do! I'll try and talk my way out of this one! Yeah, that's what I'll do! Talk my way out of it! I've been known in my day to be able to talk my way out of many a sticky situation!
"You don't want to mug me," I explained.
"And why the heck not?" the burglar asked.
"Because, I am The Devil, and if you mug me, then I will eat your soul!" I sure hope he falls for that one!
"Oh, no, I'm not falling for THAT one! That one's the oldest trick in the book!" the fiend replied.
Darn it! Darn it all to heck! Excuse my language there, folks! I know that this story is rated G and all, but I don't want to be mugged! This kind of behavior gets my carrots steamed!
"Hurry and give me all of your money, or I will kill your face!" the crook ordered.
Well, I can't have my faced killed (whatever that means), so I better just give the man my money. I reached into my pocket, and pulled out the $4.11 that I had been saving up. I was planning on buying a candy bar and soft drink with that money! Now I won't have anymore currency to buy ANYTHING!
"Here, I only have $4.11. Please take it, and leave me be!" I pleaded.
The robber grabbed the cold, hard cash from my shaking hand. Well, he may have gotten me loot, but he won't get me Reebok Pumps!
"Say, those are some nice shoes you have on there!" the bad guy stated. "Alright, bub, you know the drill! Fork over the foot-wear!"
Darn it! Darn it all to heck! Just when I thought I was going to get away in one piece with my most-prized prize! Well, if I want to live to see the light of another day, I guess I better do as told and give the man my Reebok Pumps.
"Here! Take them! I don't need them! I don't need ANYTHING! DON'T LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!!!!" I shouted, as I ran away from the crook, and to the sidewalk that leads past the gas station.
I sure hope that that crook is happy! He stole my booty, and he stole my Reebok Pumps! I hope something bad happens to him! I hope something REALLY bad happens to him!
Well, it is no time to sit around and cry over spilled milk. I have a job to do, and I can't let something like this get in the way of it.
Look! There is the gas station! Ah, good old "BP"! "BP" is the best gas station in town! I wonder what the BP stands for in "BP"? The best I can come up with is "Brown Poop".
I sure wish that burglar did not mug me earlier, or you know what I'd be doing right now! You guessed correct! I would be inside "BP", purchasing myself a candy bar and a soft drink! But since my money status is currently at $0.00, I'll have to forget about my sweets for today. And I had my heart set on a Payday and a Dr. Pepper, too!
We should be going now.... BUT THE HUNGER IS KILLING ME!!!! I don't know how much longer I can stand it! I NEED A CANDY BAR AND A SOFT DRINK!!!! I would do anything for a candy bar and a soft drink.... but I won't do that! (Ha ha, Meat Loaf reference.) I would do ANYTHING! ANYTHING!!!! Including.... STEALING!!!! Say, that's not a bad idea! That's not a bad idea at all! That bandit in the park did it to me, so I will give back to society by doing it to "BP"! I can just casually walk into "BP", pretend as though I am browsing around for something delightful to munch on, quickly conceal the Payday and Dr. Pepper into my pocket, then evacuate the perimeter! I sure am glad I thought of this one! But please note, however: I do not, I repeat, I DO NOT encourage stealing in anyway whatsoever. I am only doing this because I am hungry. Do you hear that? That's not a grizzly bear off in the distance growling; that's my tummy!
So, are you ready for this? We can be in and out before you can say "poopedy-poopedy pants"! Okay, here goes nothing!
We're in. There only appears to be the clerk in here, and some old man looking at magazines (which is something that is frowned upon by store owners nation-wide).
I think I see the candy bar aisle up ahead. Let's see if I can find a Payday. There it is! Right next to the Butterfinger and the 100 Grand! Come to poppa! There! It's in my pocket. I don't think the clerk or the old man saw me.
Now that I have the Payday in my possession, it is time to head to the soft drink aisle.
The Strawberry Yoo-Hoo is taunting me with, "Hey! Don't steal a Dr. Pepper! Steal ME instead! I am rich in calcium, whatever that means! Drink me! There is strawberry goodness in every drink! I will give you pleasure 'till the last drop!" Although that deal is hard to beat with a stick, I'll stick with the Doc! For some reason, it just makes the world taste better!
Okay, the Doc is in my pocket! Oooohh, that's cold! As a matter of fact, that's REALLY cold! I better hurry up and vamoose!
YES!!!! I am out of "BP"! Time to make a run for it! Are you ready? Let's go!
We can stop running now, I see the cemetery up ahead. Let me eat my Payday and drink my Dr. Pepper before we venture any farther.
Mmmmm, boy! That Payday was yummy in my tummy! And that Dr. Pepper sure did hit the spot!
Now that snack-time is over, let's continue our journey. I know what you are thinking right now. "Golly gee, The Devil, do we HAVE to go past the haunted cemetery? It sure does look awful spooky!" Sometimes in life, we have to do things we don't want to do. This is one of those times.
We don't want to disturb the dead, so let's tread softly. If we do disturb the dead, then a ghastly ghoul just may rise from his/her ghastly grave, and take us down to his/her ghastly hell. We wouldn't want that, now would we? I thought so.
Okay, we are one-fourth the way there. Just three more fourths, and we will be victorious!
We are now currently half-way there. So far, so good. We haven't caught a glimpse of any goblin yet. I intend to keep it that way, too!
Three-fourths of the way there! Yippee, hooray! I am so excited, and I just can't hide it! I think it is safe to say we are going to make it past the haunted cemetery in one piece!
NO!!!! WHAT WAS THAT?!?! WHAT DID I JUST SPY OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE?!?! I sure do hope it wasn't a ghost! Did you see it?! YOU DIDN'T?!?! How did you not see that?! It was RIGHT THERE, cowering behind the gravestone! I say we get the heck out of here, before he/she decides to un-cower, and teach us a lesson or two about haunted cemeteries! Do you agree? I THOUGHT SO!!!!
Keep running! Don't stop! Don't look back! He/she just might be hot on our trail!
There is our destination, up ahead! I think we can stop now. If we were going to be "gotten" by that boogey-man, then we would have been "gotten" by now. I tell you, if I had on my Reebok Pumps, I would not have ran! I would have stood up to that vicious demon, and defended what the Bill of Rights guarantees me as a citizen of the United States of America, which if the freedom of wandering around in other peoples' domain. At least, I THINK that is in the Bill of Rights. Well, we are finally here. After a long day's walk, we have reached our goal. You see that building right there? That's Silverscreen Video! My plan is to go into Silverscreen Video, rent a movie on VHS (I can't afford a DVD Player), watch the movie, then return it without rewinding! Does that plan sound evil enough? It doesn't?! YOU'RE CRAZY!!!! That plan is the greatest and best plan in the history of the world! It's bound to frighten SOMEBODY! STOP MAKING FUN OF MY PLAN!!!! You wouldn't know a good plan if it bit you on the buttocks cheek! It's a great plan, a MASTERMIND plan.... oh, you're right! Who am I kidding? This plan sucks. This plan sucks big pickles! A small infant wouldn't tremble to the thought of this plan! THIS PLAN SUCKS!!!! I am worthless! I can't even come up with a decent bad deed. My grandmother could do more evil than me!
You know what this means now, don't you? I can't do my evil deed for today, so the Big Guy Upstairs is going to fire me. Well, I tried. At least I can say that.
It must be time to go home now. I want to get home, and get some sleep. I have had a rough day, and I need to catch some Z's. You should do the same. You look pooped.
Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. I sure did enjoy your company. Maybe next time we will have better luck.... maybe.... next time....