APPENDIX ONE:

SAMPLE SCRIPTS for THE SEXUAL KEY

At every pause, count silently in thousands, to Two Thousand or Three Thousand or Four Thousand.

Before every topic, imagine saying, “My friend Catherine says,”

COMFORT/PEACE/STILLNESS

“When you really feel comfort…”

“It’s like all the things had been overwhelming you or which seemed so big and important a moment ago have now gotten smaller, like they’re very far away, like you now have breathing room. And because you now have breathing room, you become open to appreciating and savoring things more fully…as if time is slowing down…and you find yourself learning more…from this thing {POINT TO SELF}…the thing you’re focusing on {POINT TO SELF}…all the things you’re seeing…and listening to {POINT TO SELF}…because the more you focus on these things, the more comfortable you are now feeling….and the more comfortable you feel…the more you find yourself open….to learning and appreciating…because time is slowing down…and it’s as if warm comfort is flowing through you like warm maple syrup…flowing through every part of you…with me…feeling this personally…this comfort makes you aware of your arms…and the comfort fills your arms…and makes you aware of your shoulders…and this comfort fills your shoulders…and your legs…and this comfort fills your legs…just as this comfort fills your heart…because this experience {POINT TO SELF}…is setting you at ease…in a way that is now making you feel new good things….and appreciate good new things…more thoroughly.”

“Comfort is like being at the beach, perhaps on a cool day but when you yourself are dressed really warmly…and the warmth of your clothes seems to almost go inside your body…and make all the waves seem very far away…and very peaceful…and as you watch the waves tumble…and watch the birds land and fly…and land again…and as you hear the birds call…and hear the hiss of the waves and tide…you feel this profound sense of peace…like time itself is just the movement of the waves…like time is endless…and so the best thing is to feel yourself…opening…to this moment…feeling this sense of comfort…this serenity…this stillness inside you…in a way which allows you to appreciate and learn from and connect with…the new things in your life {POINT TO SELF}…”

“Comfort…with me{POINT TO SELF}…personally… is like when you meet someone new…and talking to this person{POINT TO SELF}….slows down the jumble of thoughts in your mind…makes you focus on this moment…and the things you say in this moment…just echo inside you…and the more you focus on this moment…the more you feel in touch with yourself…in a way that makes you feel even more at peace and more comfortable…as if this person’s energy feels like warm sunshine on your bare skin…like music that really touches your heart…and puts you in touch with yourself…in a way that lets time slow down…so that you can really appreciate….and learn from…and share…and connect with this person {POINT TO SELF}…” sometimes someone’s presence is so soothing, it’s like his voice wraps around you and warms every part of you, like a soft robe or a blanket or the heat of a fire, or as if his presence is this warm warm warm sauna or bath into which you are letting yourself plunge all the way inside the kind of bath which is so good you want to empathize with it because this pool of water has been made warm in order to have someone inside it this experience is meant for you and you alone, right now and you feel how this bath needs to have someone come inside it and you know this experience is meant for you right now and you realize how much every part of you, even those parts you’ve forgotten about and whose needs you’ve been neglecting, is imagining and feeling and craving this experience, yearning to open up to this warmth and this embrace, to open up and feel the heat rush into every part of you and to feel whole and complete.

“And as you’re feeling real comfort like this, it opens you to the experience of powerful, meaningful, connection…to me, now…this is what real comfort is like…”

EXCITEMENT/POSSIBILITY/CONNECTION

“My friend Janet says, when you feel this sense of comfort deepen, it opens the possibility of connection….”

“Thinking about this…now…with me...personally…I find this comfort is most important in that it allows your sense of possibility to…spread wide…open up…like wings…like the covers of a book…you know? It’s like…with me…because you feel so comfortable….it’s as if your senses…your emotions… now feel things…wonderful things…more powerfully….and good things…go deeper inside you… emotionally…they touch you…in new ways…and the more of this comfort…you now feel…with me…I mean, it’s like…the more you…feel yourself being touched…as if by a breeze…as if by sunlight…in a way which lets…you feel open….to a real connection…with me…where I stand…it seems this kind of connection is like feeling everything that’s special inside you…like warm…pulsing…red…light…begins to reach out and penetrate into the other person…and everything that’s special about that person…like red…warm…pulsing energy…begins to penetrate…you…enter you…through your heart…come inside you…fulfill you…in a way that allows you to now open…more completely…truly spread wide…now…with me, this seems a beautiful experience…don’t you think so?”

“With me…when you truly feel comfortable with someone, you connect with someone…with me…personally…it’s like…time slows down…and you feel yourself focusing on a door…deep inside you…and this door spreads wide…and you can feel yourself sending out energy…to me…when you send out this energy…you feel excitement…you feel even more energy…from this person…begin to come…inside you…and you feel a stronger and sense of possibility…a sense that you can feel this connection… going deeper…deeper than you’d dreamed…warming you…nourishing you…it’s healing …refreshing…with me…you feel more and more connected…to me…it’s like you feel fibers of light…energy…connecting you…to me…these fibers seem to go deeper and deeper inside you…with me…it’s like these fibers…these strands…are tying your heart…to me…it’s like…these fibers make you feel more and more secure and safe…and the more you open…and feel this connection…feel this sense of possibility…like a flower…spreading wide its petals…to be filled by sunlight…this connection…to me…seems like its making you feel closer and closer to this person…to me…this feeling of closeness is like a private world…like you and this person are inside a special…magical…glass sphere…a bubble…and outside this sphere…everything seems small and far away and commonplace…and inside…you…and this person…feel more and more connected…together…fused…to me…this feeling is like knowing you are meant to open completely…share everything that’s special about you…you penetrate into the other person…emotionally …as this person…penetrates into you…and you finally come…into a whole new place…a place of golden colors…warm feelings…a sense of destiny…rightness…because this was meant to be…with me, this is how I think about this…” Feel every moment as if another part of yourself is opening to someone as if you’re learning aboout all these parts of yourself because they are opening now and the more you realize how thoroughly you are enjoying the way they are opening the more you are learning about yourself and the more you discover what intense new connections are now possible for you, here, with this person, in this place, in this phase of your life.

SEXUALITY

“A friend of mine once told me about this Native American healer she met once

-within moments of meeting him, she could feel his energy penetrating inside her

-she sensed the resistance and uncertainly she ordinarily felt, when attracted begin to all coalesce into a ball which shrank and shrank and disappeared

-revealing this void, wanting fulfillment, this place waiting to be filled by power

-she felt her sensitivities intensify

-as if her nerves were being tickled with electricity

-as if her heart began to warm and melt

-it was as thorough and profound and undeniable as feeling him undoing her hair, braid by braid

-undoing her blouse, button by button

-as if everything that might otherwise keep her from him was being pulled away and she could feel herself, every inch of herself, being warmed by his strength filled by his energy as she basked in her own beauty

-until her desire, her passion, like a river bursting through a dam, burst into action and she looked into his eyes and then began to unbutton her blouse

-she said when they made love, she felt like a glacier in her heart— a glacier she’d never realized was there-- cracked and melted, and a warmth and freedom and strength she’d never known began to surge through her.

-she says it was like the beginning of a new chapter in her life

-that reminds me of the way a friend was introduced into the bondage scene

-very odd-looking—graying hair, middle-aged, short, ugly, intense

-he says, “you have trouble admitting it, but you need to feel something new and powerful inside you”

-“you would like to feel yourself resist, then surrender”

-“you want to be overwhelmed by a greater power”

-“you can imagine feeling a belt tied around your wrist”

-“you can imagine kneeling, begging”

-“you can imagine being my slave”

-“you can imagine calling me Master, and removing your clothes on my command”

-“I am parked outside, and you can imagine leaving this place with me, entering my car, surrendering completely to an experience of total ecstasy”

-“because you now know you need to feel me inside you”

-“tonight you will serve my pleasure”

Friend told me about a party she’d been to. Her boyfriend had to work at the last minute, so my friend went in moping about the fact that the man of her dreams was elsewhere, thinking, “Oh, I’m just a shell of myself, pretending to be happy. I’ll be light and cheery and no-one will know the difference.” After a couple of hours, some guy approached her and started talking.

At first she was flattered but also cautious. He talked about all sorts of peculiar things—he was a chemist, and talked about the structure of the atom and how things come together on a chemical and molecular level, how some things just are meant to bond, and whatnot, and about physics, and gravitational pull, and so on—all this abstract scientific stuff—yet something about the way he talked made her feel more alive, as if there were parts of her that were suddenly coming to life, and as if she could actually have much more passion in her life than she realized. They talked and talked and talked until she started to take matters into her own hands and she said she wanted to get something from her car, and asked him to walk her to it. And there she seduced him, and she said it was one of the most empowering, liberating experiences in her life.

************

You’ve gone through life

Wondering if life

Your life

Your body

You’re mine

Your soul

Can experience

The connection

This special connection

Which can make it all worthwhile

The connection

The relationship

The experience

Of coming

Together

Now

With me,

The experience

As I see it,

That will reveal your moments of pain and loneliness

Of not having

The one who makes you feel so good

As he speaks to

And touches the deepest parts of you

The parts of you no one before has ever fully recognized

Ever fully reached

That will strip off

The old misconceptions

So you can understand that those moments of pain and loneliness

Were there

In order to make you open to

And capable of this

Open to and capable

Of spreading wide the deepest parts of yourself

So you can now enjoy recognizing

How good it is to really feel

This intensifying

Growing

Deepening sense

Of connection

Of climactically

And unconditionally

Surrendering

Of truly and utterly

Coming

Together

Now

With

The person whose presence

And energy

And words

Are penetrating

Deeper and deeper inside you

Opening up whole new realms of feeling

Whole jungles and swamps and valleys

Oceans and mountains

Whole dark continents

Of virgin territory

So rich and abundant

So lush and fruitful

That you can feel

Every flower within these dark continents

Growing moist with dew

And spreading open to suck in

The pulse of the sun

And feel the power of the sun

Push in and penetrate

Ever more fully

With every word he speaks

And every beat of your heart

is like his footfall

As he penetrates ever deeper

Inside this virgin territory

With a flag tied to a staff in his hand

And its secrets spread wide before him

As lush hidden valleys offer up

Their treasure

As if this world knows

That its treasures

Are meaningful

Only when shared

Only when the need for exploration

And the desire for discovery

The desire of being explored

The exploration of the beauty

Of the pleasure of surrender

To this special man

Now

Truly

Come

Together

Only when he drives the flag

Deep into this lush virgin soil

And the world around him shudders

And the pleasures of building

Something beautiful

Begin to come to fill this world completely.

Because this kind of connection

This kind of communication

This kind of experience

Is exactly what reaches

The parts of you

That have waited so long

For this special experience

And known it’s only

going to become more wonderful now.

With me,

This is what makes life worthwhile,

this kind of connection.

APPENDIX ONE: The Pink Elephant Principle, or Using Words to Create Experiences and Emotions

Language is a tool designed to make people fail to avoid thinking of pink elephants.

As in, “I bet I can make you think of pink elephants.”

To understand that sentence and attempt to avoid thinking of pink elephants, you of course must think of…pink elephants.

This little kids’ prank illustrates something general and useful:

Language stimulates. It makes you think imagine, think, feel.

To understand some concept expressed in language, you must, at least for a split-second, inwardly translate it into a sensory experience. That is, the words must conjure up an image, or a sound, or a feeling, or a taste, or a smell—some hook on which that concept can hang. Words produce associations. The more fully you want to understand what someone is describing, the more you try to experience, in imagination, what that person is talking about. Therefore, if you can get someone involved in what you are talking about, and then describe really, really well that phenomenon, your listener will experience the emotions associated with the emotion you are describing.

To make someone experience something, just describe the experience really richly and vividly.

Think of the matter this way: If you overheard someone talking about falling in love, wouldn't it encourage you to think about love? Could it make you think about the last time you fell in love? Might it invite you to remember how this feels, and consider how it fits into your life?

The Pink Elephant Principle, then, is this: Language produces internal experience. Since we experience the world through our senses, it is useful to describe the events of the world in terms of the senses, when we wish to convey that event in a way which stirs the emotions. "I saw the ocean" tends to stimulate a different response from a listener than "I saw huge blue-green waves and lots of white foam," which elicits a different response than, "I saw huge blue-green waves--speckled with sunlight and sparkling like crystal--relentlessly churn, splashing a cream of white foam, as they rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and fell." Though the last can seem absurd (there being a difference between how language is experienced as speech and how it is experienced on the page), it typically evokes a richer experience than does the first, and therefore a stronger emotional response.

When you are describing an emotional experience--becoming fascinated, or becoming inspired, or becoming motivated, or falling in love, to take common examples--you are providing instructions on how to have that experience. When you mention an experience, your listener will think about a time he/she had such an experience, or witnessed such an experience, or will attempt to imagine what that experience would be like. The stronger your listener's feeling of rapport with you, and the more emotionally open your listener is at that moment, the more fully your listener will attempt to follow and learn from your instructions, so as to experience what you describe. And when you describe that experience very well--when you employ the techniques we'll describe later in order to engage your listener, your listener will likely incorporate this feeling into his/her own inner landscape, so that your communication will have a lasting effect on your listener's choices, feelings, and beliefs.

(The above is excerpted from Gut Impact, available from www.sexualkey.com)

APPENDIX TWO: Internal Alignment,

Or, How to Look and Move and Sound As If You Mean What You Say

Just as external alignment—that is, seeming similar to your listener, and matching your listener’s beliefs—increases your listener’s comfort and receptivity, internal alignment—keeping all of your simultaneous verbal and nonverbal messages similar—makes you seem more trustworthy, attractive, compelling, and persuasive.

Your words should be supported by your voice, your posture, your facial expression, and your gestures. For example, if you’re trying to create excitement, you need to look and feel excited yourself to convey it. Your eyes and face should look excited, your body should look excited, your vocal tone and tempo should express excitement.

The more you exhibit an emotion, the more you can induce it.

Talking about arousal while looking scared tends not to work very well.

Produce the feeling in yourself before you attempt to produce it in the other person. When you show the feeling you’re talking about, it gives the other person courage to feel it.

Following are some shortcuts to Internal Alignment.

To make generating an intense response easier, try the following:

a. Generally, when you are describing an emotional state, demonstrate that state. If you are talking about being reserved or guarded, lean back, fold your arms, drain your voice of energy; if you are talking about being excited, lean forward, expose your chest, let your voice sound full and let it move through high and low pitch ranges.

b. When you want to create suspense, or to suggest that you are uncertain or having mixed feelings about what you are saying, make your vocal pitch go up. After your pitch goes up, your listener will instinctively expect your pitch to fall; if it does not, it will sow doubt in your listener's mind.

d. Gesture, rather than keeping your hands and arms immobile or close to your body; gesture when delivering the most important words in a given phrase, timing the gestures so that each lasts as long as the accompanying word.

e. Slow your rate of speech--your tempo--to intensify your words' impact; the slower your tempo, the greater your impact.

f. When describing something abstract or conceptual, occasionally defocus your eyes and look up, as people do when they are thinking of something. This suggests an intense involvement in your own thoughts, which, odd as it seems, extends to your listener an invitation to experience with equal intensity the state you are describing.

g. When describing an emotional or tactile experience, slow your speech down, nod your head down slightly, and momentarily look downward as you speak.

h. After describing an intense state, push your fingers through your hair.

i. The more physical space your gestures occupy, the more confident you seem. The further from your body you gesture, and the more space you place between your arms and your chest, the more confident and powerful you seem. Don’t worry about seeming grandiose; with practice, your expansive gestures will become ever more closely synchronized with what you want to express, and therefore, more and more persuasive. Ultimately, you should think of your body, as well as the space around your body, as a whole, a unit. This unit should be completely aligned, completely involved in the expression of a particular emotion. Your body is a tool— you should allow yourself to let the emotions you choose dictate the movement, stillness, and variation of this tool’s every part. Every part of you that does not reinforce your verbal message dampens and deadens that message.

We call these nonlogical, nonverbal distinctions nuances. Charisma, energy, and magnetism are associated with rich nonverbal nuance, as is risk-taking. If you want to avoid notice, avoid nuance; if you want to be in the spotlight or accumulate authority, cultivate it. Again, the more emotion you exhibit to others, the more emotional response you can elicit from others.

Additional tips:

When you want to suggest a black-and-white, no-options situation, use a chopping gesture. When you want to suggest a range of options and possibilities, use smoother, flowing gestures—a sweep of an arm, for example.

To project confidence and openness, keep your chest exposed and perhaps your legs spread.

To project wariness or vulnerability, swing an arm or wrist across your body, or cross your legs or ankles. A momentary gesture should be enough.

Adjust your voice along a variety of parameters: don’t just make it loud or quiet, but experiment with varying your tone (harsh or soft), tempo (fast or slow), and timbre (full or thin). The more range you display, the more impact your voice will have. And remember, the slower you speak, the more impact each word has (though it is possible to go overboard on this).

When you smile, begin with the muscles around your eyes. Use your hands to depict what you are describing.

EXERCISE

a Spend a day noticing how different people respond to your usual communication patterns. Pay attention to their communicative nuances-

-watch the regularity and intensity of their gestures. What physical postures and poses do they assume, and in response to which particular words, gestures, and shifts in vocal tone on your part? What tones do their voices take? How quickly or slowly do they talk? How animated are their faces?

b Spend a day communicating very crisply. Use no gestures. Minimize your tonal variation. Leave your facial expression composed and unchanging. Notice the effects on your listeners this time around.

Experiment with pushing whatever nuances you choose to the point of caricature, and also to some point only a marginal distance beyond the bounds of the behavior you’re used to. Again, notice the effects.

d Think of a time you felt some strong positive emotion--awe or love would both work here--toward the person with whom you were talking. If you can’t remember such a time, pretend you’re someone else experiencing the feeling you’ve chosen. When talking to someone, secure rapport through Matching. Then, while saying nothing out of the ordinary, employ the paralinguistic behaviors, the nuances, appropriate to the emotional state you’ve chosen. Concentrate on expressing the emotion with consistency rather than with overbearing force.

As ever, notice the responses.

Remember, the more emotion you exhibit, the more emotion you elicit.

(The above is excerpted from Gut Impact, available from www.sexualkey.com)