| Domestic Violence (a.k.a. Intimate Partner Violence) |
| Domestic Violence is a pattern of purposeful, assaultive, and coercive behaviors used to establish power and control, often including the threat or use of violence. Abusive behavior encompases the victims life, limits independent thought and action, and forces the victim to focus solely on the abusers needs. Most times this happens so slowly you do not see it happening until you are totally enveloped in the situation. Types of Abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, finanial or economic, religious or spiritual and psychological Power and Control Tactics: Tactics of power and control used by an abuser include: Intimidation and coercion, Isolating victim from friends and family, Economic exploitation, Playing mind-games, using verbal abuse, Minimizing/denying behavior, blaming it on someone/something else Some Batterer Characteristics: Extreme jealousy and possessiveness, Fear of abandonment, Quick tempered, Sometimes cruel to animals, Can be loving and kind at time, Verbally abusive, Male abusers only: Believing that violence towards women is ok. Some Victim Characteristics: Poor self image, May defend abuser out of loyalty/fear, May take responsibility for abuse, Isolated from family and friends, Depression / Anxiety, -Difficulty trusting others, May feel guilty or shameful, Feel powerless to change their situation What Victims of Domestic Violence Need to Know to Be Empowered to Leave: -"The abuse is not your fault.' / "You do not deserve to be abused." -You cannot change someone who is abusive. -Staying in the relationship won't stop the abuse, only condones it. -Over time the abuse gets worse / children are often abused. -If you stay, make a plan to keep yourself safe when the abuse happens again. Definitions of Abuse Terms: Physical: shoving, kicking, slapping, restraining, punching, use of weapons, and intent to cause bodily harm. Emotional/Psychological: verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating from friends and family, threats to family/friends/pets, and destruction of personal property. Sexual: forcing partner to have sex, using implements for penetration, forcing bestiality, genital mutilation, forcing partner to engage in illicit sexual activities. Financial: victim may not be allowed to wrk, or, if working, but turn entire paycheck over to abuser, victim often has restricted or no access to bank accounts. Religion/Spiritual: victim convinced to remain in relationship by misuse of doctrine or scriptures; victim may not be allowed to practice her religion. Some details of the abusive personality: Abusers have a "jeckyl and hyde" personality and are often placid at work or in public choosing to vent their anger, stress, fear, and frustration on their spouses and/or other family memebers. Abusers are master manipulators and often have the ability to charm other into believing them - both during and after committing the abusive act. Most abusers have a need for secrecy to protect their public image and therefore use threats and intimidation to kepe their victims form telling anyone about the abuse or testifying against them in court. Why it is hard to leave the Abuser: Economic Dependence: Many victims have dependent children and have not been allowed to work, they fear they will be unable to provide for their kids if they leave. Learned Helplessness: Belief that she/he is powerless to change their situation and is paralyzed by fear. This condition inhibits human problem-solving and motivation. Unaware of Safe Alternatives: Access to a hotline number, safe shelter, and knowledge of financial and relocation assistance empowers and helps fuel the idea they don't have to be abused to make a better life for themselves and their children. FEAR: 75 % of female domestic violence homicides are committed when the victim leaves. The fear of the abuser making good on threats to harm family members can be equally effective in preventing the victim from leaving. Some Details of Victim Behavior: Some of the behavior you may witness form the victim may be confusing. For instance, the victim may defend their abuser, be uncooperative when offered help, even deny the abuse. Remember the victim is afraid of what may happen if they take action against the abuser. The victim may also love their abuser for the times when they are not abusive as abusers often show remorse and act kind to regain the victims trust. If you find yourself in a situation like this, please call and get help before it gets worse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help; their number is 1-800-799-7233. If you are a lady and you need someone to talk to, whether you are still in your situation or not. There is a wonderful group of ladies at Geocities here on the internet that you can access; some are still in their situation, some are just getting out, some are free just for a short period or time, while others have been free for awhile. We are all helping each other. I can honestly say it is a safe haven. If you would like information about this lovely, no pressure place; please email me or get in touch with me; my aol instant messenger screen name is "kittiecathouse". I know because I have been in a very abusive relationship. |
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