Okay, this may not make complete and utter sense. The subtitle "A Satire of Sorts" means that it's sort of a parody of Kevin's stuff. I wrote it during the time that he was having a lot of "parties" so it's about one of his "parties" and there's a lot of jokes about things he's written (like that Abby only asks questions...he did that with Marcy in "Adventures in Sex") and stuff that's happened (the broken chair near the end), but mostly, it's pretty comprehendable to anyone. So read on.
Because You're Stupid: A Satire of Sorts
BLACK SCREEN
CALVIN
(o.s.)
"Dog Days"...a Calvin Kelvin production. Our film opens on a sexy district attorney, teamed with an alcoholic ex-FBI agent, trying to prevent a band of Jehovah's Witnesses from taking over the government census bureau. As a result of their efforts, a Popsicle-eating nun is tragically killed before she makes it to confession. She then goes to hell. The sexy district attorney and the alcoholic ex-FBI agent get married and buy a dog, which turns out to be the late nun reincarnated. The dog kills them in their sleep, and is then taken in by a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. The end.
We ZOOM OUT of the black pit of Calvin's mouth--where we have been--and now see his face. He looks excited and hopeful. The ANGLE switches and we're looking at LAUREN, JEFF, AMANDA, DANIELLE, and MAX sitting in various chairs in Calvin's living room. They look bewildered.
CALVIN
(still hopeful)
Well?
There's an awkward SILENCE. We turn to Amanda.
AMANDA
Well, it was... interesting, Cal. Very... innovative.
CALVIN
(rejects her...he really speaks this in the direction of Lauren instead)
Well, you're stupid! Lauren, what do you think?
LAUREN
I preferred your piece with the moose and the maid that dance a mazurka after murdering a missionary. But this was...interesting.
CALVIN
Max?
MAX
(is playing with Amanda's hair)
You said something, man?
CALVIN
(desperate)
Jeff! Surely you see the genius in this!
JEFF
(half joking, half comforting)
It was a nice effort, Calvin.
CALVIN
(flabbergasted)
You're all idiots! This is an unparalleled work of brilliance! How can you not see it?
LAUREN
Maybe it's like the emperor's new clothes...it's only there if you think it's there.
The others giggle slightly.
CALVIN
(near to bursting)
This is an incredible, earth-shaking, masterful work of groundbreaking fiction! The fact that you can't see it only shows me that I need to find more insightful, intelligent friends!
Fine! Here's another one!
Calvin pulls out another piece of paper and as he continues to rant and rave, the sound cuts out and we now have a NARRATOR speaking.
NARRATOR
Welcome to Calvin Kelvin's house. You have the privilege of being present at one of his frequent and infamous parties. Now it's time to meet his friends.
Show Jeff sitting in his rocking chair, speaking calmly.
NARRATOR
This is Jeff, Calvin's best male friend. He's mild-mannered and unassuming at first glance, but leads a multi-facetted life. He collects stamps, is a closet-Trekkie, a bit of a television buff, and directs art-house style porn in his basement during his spare time. His high quality productions are available for downloading at an undisclosed website, and feature dramatic lighting, cleverly contrived dialogue, smooth-flowing plot, and tear-jerkingly-tragic endings.
Show Lauren sitting on the floor, picking at the loops in the rug.
NARRATOR
This is Lauren. She leads no double life. She is straightforward and boring, someone Calvin keeps around to make himself feel better.
Show Danielle, sitting in a chair, looking uninterested.
NARRATOR
This is Danielle, Calvin's crush. An attractive athlete and competent student, she's every mother's dream and is enticing to boys her own age. Unfortunately, her taste in men is lacking. Her current boyfriend is an out-of-town fellow, whom Jeff has encountered on several occasions. He describes him as follows: like Calvin, only taller, more athletic, having a deeper voice, being less intelligent, and being very nice. Analysts believe that Jeff was only suggesting that this boy was similar to Calvin to raise his friend's spirit, as he had just described Calvin's exact opposite. While Danielle is not interested in Calvin now, she has been before, and perhaps will be again. We shall see...
Show Amanda on the couch.
NARRATOR
This is Amanda. She's a freak.
Show Max, still playing with Amanda's hair.
NARRATOR
This is Max, a smooth operator of sorts. Calvin keeps him around only to observe his masterful ways with the women. Calvin will most likely rid himself of this worthy-opponent in the game of love once he himself learns these skills. Ladies and gentlemen, don't expect this guy to be out of here soon.
These are Calvin's friends: the few, the proud, the demented. Lauren once liked Calvin, but is now focusing her attention on Jeff because she's run out of options. Danielle, while faithful to her out-of-town boyfriend, may just crack and fall for Calvin again, making his deepest wish come true. But then again, things could go a little crazy. One never knows...
Sound returns.
CALVIN
This is incredible stuff! I'd like to see any of YOU write something better! You just don't get it because you're STUPID!
Enter Calvin's brother BEN and his girlfriend ABBY. Both are mildly attractive in the conventional sense and built well.
BEN
Hey, Calvin. I see you're having a party.
DANIELLE
Party?
JEFF
(aside to Danielle)
'Party' is actually just a term for a gathering, so technically the word applies. If you want to discuss 'party' in the sense of music, movies, food, dancing, and all other enjoyment-inducing activities, then this would fall in more of a gray area.
CALVIN
(ignoring them)
Yeah, Ben, I am. What are you up to?
BEN
(gestures to Abby)
Not much. Abby and I are just going into my room to fuck. Do you mind?
CALVIN
(casual)
No, not at all. Just keep it down.
BEN
(gives Calvin a jokey grin)
Too late: it's already up.
ABBY
(dumbly)
Huh?
CALVIN
(ignores her)
Have a good time.
BEN
(entering bedroom with Abby in tow)
Will do.
Calvin turns back to his friends.
CALVIN
Okay, what do you want to do?
LAUREN
Fly to Las Vegas.
AMANDA
Make a porn movie staring Tom Cruise and myself. And I want Cher on the soundtrack.
MAX
I'd like to film that movie.
DANIELLE
I'd like to give Julia Roberts a good kick in the pants. Something about her bothers me. I think it's the teeth. I don't know.
JEFF
I'd like a Pepsi.
MOANS and SCREAMS come from Ben's room.
INT. CALVIN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT TIME.
CALVIN is tossing and turning.
JEFF (voice over)
It was a nice effort, Calvin.
AMANDA (voice over)
Well, it was...interesting, Cal. Very...innovative.
LAUREN (voice over)
But this was...interesting.
CALVIN
(moan of pain)
ABBY and BEN (voice over)
(screaming)
CALVIN
(moan of sadness)
"Who Needs Sleep?" by the Barenaked Ladies starts playing and Calvin gets out of bed and starts dancing around stupidly. His mood is slowly elevating and he's really getting down. Lauren appears at his doorway and when the camera is on her, NO MUSIC is playing. When it's on Calvin, it's BLASTING. Lauren looks at him in confusion, then leaves the doorway. We look at Calvin through the doorway and there's SILENCE. He's still dancing like there's no tomorrow.
We're now in the living room, where Lauren has just sat down. The others are still there, too.
AMANDA
What's he doing now?
LAUREN
Dancing. There's no music, either.
JEFF
Maybe we should leave.
LAUREN
No. He's just pissy because we didn't like his movie idea. He'll come out of his room eventually.
The door to Ben's room opens and Ben and Abby exit looking disheveled and angry.
ABBY
How could you?
BEN
How could I what? What did I do?
ABBY
Are you saying that you don't find anything wrong with doing me in front of people? You were only doing all that just to make yourself look good in front of your brother's friends?
BEN
No! Abby, I'm not like that.
ABBY
You're not like that? Then what are you like? Do you want me to tell everybody what you're really like? That you have a small dick and that you only date me to hide the fact that you're gay?
BEN
Abby! I am NOT gay! And you could choke a cow with my dick!
JEFF
I'm sure there's proof backing that up, too.
ABBY
Then choke all the cows you want, because you know what?
LAUREN
Uh oh. Ben's getting the shaft.
JEFF
From the sound of things, it seems he might like that.
AMANDA
I never thought I'd say this, but I actually think Ben could do better.
BEN
Damn right I could!
(looks over Calvin's friends and points at Danielle)
You! Get over here!
Danielle stands up and goes over to him.
BEN
(to Abby)
See? This is my new girlfriend. That's right: girlfriend!
Danielle looks confused. Ben bends her over backwards and kisses her.
BEN
See? Am I gay? Am I gay?
ABBY
Do I care if you're gay? I can get a guy way better than you, you know that?
Abby storms off and leaves the house. Max slips off after her. Danielle goes to sit down and Ben catches her arm.
BEN
Not so fast. Get into my room.
DANIELLE
(shrugs)
What the hell?
They enter Ben's room and the door closes. There's silence for a moment.
LAUREN
Calvin's not going to like that.
More silence.
JEFF
You know, I never did get my Pepsi.
INT. CALVIN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Calvin is finally asleep in his bed. His face is entirely covered in whipped cream. We go to the living room where Jeff, Lauren, and Amanda are eating ice cream. Lauren is spraying whipped cream onto hers.
LAUREN
We should watch a movie. We're running out of things to do.
(shakes container)
And whipped cream. Which, in and of itself, limits the things we can do.
AMANDA
What do you want to watch?
LAUREN
I don't know. Something funny.
AMANDA
I'd like a drama, myself.
LAUREN
I'll go check Calvin's movie rack.
Lauren exits the living room. Amanda and Jeff sit silently for a few moments. SCREAMING and MOANING comes from Ben's room. Amanda looks up from her ice cream at Jeff quickly, and then looks down. He repeats the action. Neither sees the other. Amanda looks up again, just as another SCREAM issues from Ben's room. Jeff looks up, too, and they catch each other's eyes. They put down their ice cream and slowly move towards each other. Mounting MOANS are coming from Ben's room as Amanda and Jeff get closer and closer. They look deep into each other's eyes and lock lips, just as an enormous, incredible SCREAM comes from Ben's room.
Now we're in Calvin's room, where Lauren is looking through his movies. Calvin wakes up.
CALVIN
(groggy)
You're still here?
LAUREN
Yeah. Amanda and Jeff are in the living room. Max went outside a while ago.
CALVIN
Danielle left?
LAUREN
(pauses a little)
No.
CALVIN
Where is she?
LAUREN
(pauses again)
You know, on second thought, I think she did leave.
Calvin goes to rubs his eyes and realizes there's whipped cream all over his face.
CALVIN
(confused)
What the hell...?
He starts wiping it all over the place. Lauren keeps looking at the movies.
CALVIN
(angry)
Who put whipped cream on me?
LAUREN
(quickly)
Uh, Danielle.
CALVIN
I hope she goes to hell.
LAUREN
She's currently in reasonable facsimile.
CALVIN
What are you doing?
LAUREN
Picking out a movie. We need something to do, since you're moping in here.
CALVIN
As a rule, when the host goes to bed, the guests are generally supposed to go home.
Lauren pulls out a video.
LAUREN
This will do.
She exits the bedroom and we linger on the door. She renters momentarily.
LAUREN
I don't think Amanda and Jeff want to watch a movie anymore.
CALVIN
Why?
LAUREN
(pause)
They found something else to do.
CALVIN
Oh. Do you mind if I go back to sleep?
LAUREN
No, that's okay. I'm going to go outside.
EXT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Lauren is sitting on the front lawn. "Dancing in the Moonlight" or something like that is playing in the background. She's watching the stars, whistling along. Abby is sitting in the middle of the road.
LAUREN
What are you doing?
ABBY
Waiting for a car to come and end it all, you know?
LAUREN
Why?
ABBY
Don't you think Ben's an asshole? Don't you think I deserved better?
LAUREN
Yeah, probably.
ABBY
Probably? How can you say probably? Isn't it obvious what a jerk he is?
LAUREN
Can I ask you something?
ABBY
What?
LAUREN
Why is it that you can only ask questions?
ABBY
(happily surprised)
You noticed that?
LAUREN
Yeah. It's kind of creepy.
ABBY
It's because of my extreme lack of self-esteem, you see? I can't bring myself to make a statement because that would be going out on a limb, right? So I can manage to turn otherwise declarative sentences into queries, just so I don't risk looking too confident, you know what I mean?
LAUREN
Not really. Appearing too confident has never been one of my fears.
ABBY
You haven't date a jock, have you?
LAUREN
I'm afraid that's the road not taken.
ABBY
But aren't you happy about that? Don't you think they're losers?
LAUREN
Yes. No question about it. However I prefer someone that proudly declares their own stupid opinion instead of one that can only ask about everyone else's.
ABBY
What are you saying?
LAUREN
I'm saying grow a spine, Abby. Go into that house, pull open Ben's door, rip Danielle off his cow-choking penis, and tell him he's an asshole: don't ask him.
ABBY
You really think I can?
LAUREN
Yeah, I do. Don't you?
ABBY
I don't know.
LAUREN
Hey, your first declarative sentence! As far as declarative sentences go, that one didn't declare much, but it's a start.
ABBY
Are you proud of me?
LAUREN
Don't start that shit again.
ABBY
(clears her throat)
You're proud of me.
LAUREN
That one was good. I almost am. Congratulations.
ABBY
Wow. I feel...human. I feel...alive! I'm going to go tell that bastard that I can do without him!
Abby stands up, just as a car comes flying down the road. She's knocked to the pavement and the car stops. Lauren calmly stands up. The car door opens and out comes MR. DAVIS, a mildly attractive older man.
MR. DAVIS
What did I hit?
LAUREN
Nothing.
DAVIS
Darn.
LAUREN
What do you want, Mr. Davis?
DAVIS
I was looking for Calvin. Is he home?
LAUREN
Yeah, follow me in.
They enter the Kelvin house, leaving Abby under the car.
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Davis and Lauren walk into the house. There's still MOANING and SCREAMING. Davis looks nervous and uncomfortable, but Lauren is unflustered.
LAUREN
Calvin? Are you awake?
She KNOCKS on his door.
LAUREN
Calvin? Mr. Davis wants to talk to you. (pause) I guess he's not in here.
Lauren leads Davis to the living room, where Jeff and Amanda are still making out on the floor. Strange noises are still coming from Ben's room. Amid the SCREAMS and MOANS come a RUBBER DUCKEY, one of those party favor things...the streamer things that make noise, perhaps a MEOW or a CLUCKING chicken noise. Just deranged background noises.
LAUREN
Do either of you know where Calvin went?
JEFF
(briefly poking his head up)
Nope. But try downstairs.
LAUREN
Okay, thanks.
Davis lingers in the living room for a moment while Lauren moves on. He finally pulls himself away and follows Lauren into the cellar. They go down the stairs and she turns on the light, illuminating boxes, bags, a washer and dryer, maybe a refrigerator, and a bunch of food supplies: no Calvin, though.
LAUREN
Looks like he's not here.
DAVIS
That's too bad.
A SILENCE falls on the pair.
LAUREN
So...
DAVIS
Is Calvin having a party or something?
LAUREN
I guess you could say that. He's off somewhere, doing who knows what, two of his friends are making out on the living room floor, a third friend is getting screwed by his brother, a fourth friend hasn't been seen in an hour, and the fifth friend is down in the cellar with a teacher she's had a crush on for the past two years. I suppose that qualifies as a party, by strict definition.
DAVIS
What was that last part?
LAUREN
I don't know. Maybe Calvin's back in bed or something.
DAVIS
He sleeps through his parties?
LAUREN
We all sleep through his parties.
They start mounting the stairs and shut off the light.
LAUREN
(yelling)
Calvin!
BEN
(o.s.)
Hey! Some of us are trying to concentrate on stuff, here! Keep it down!
LAUREN
(yelling, apologetic)
Sorry!
She bangs on Calvin's door.
LAUREN
Calvin! Come out! Quit being a baby! There's someone here to see you.
EXT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. ROAD.
Abby is pulling herself from under Mr. Davis' car.
ABBY
Boy, did that hurt or what? Oh shoot...I asked a question again, didn't I? Oh, again? Dammit!
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. HALLWAY.
Lauren is still pounding on the door.
LAUREN
Calvin! Just open up!
Jeff walks by in a hurry, his shirt unbuttoned, and flashes Mr. Davis a quick smile.
JEFF
Excuse me.
Lauren keeps knocking. Jeff goes by again with a tub of ice cream and a spoon. We follow him.
JEFF
How's this?
AMANDA
He doesn't have any better flavors?
JEFF
I don't mind chocolate. Besides, I'm going to be the one eating it. Come on, lift up your shirt.
Amanda lays down and pulls her shirt up. Jeff starts scooping ice cream onto her stomach.
AMANDA
Shouldn't I put something under me? I don't want to make a mess on his carpet.
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. HALLWAY.
Lauren stops knocking and turns to Mr. Davis.
LAUREN
I think maybe you'd better try him tomorrow. He's either in a dead sleep, actually dead, or just being moody.
DAVIS
And things seem a little strange around here tonight.
LAUREN
I suppose it's a little out of the ordinary. You see, Ben and his girlfriend broke up, so now instead of doing her, he's doing Danielle, who Calvin is absolutely in love with. I'd be wallowing in despair right now if I were him, too. Although I sort of have a thing for Jeff, and he's in there eating ice cream off my best friend, so I should be a bit upset, too. However, Calvin actually likes Danielle. I arrived at Jeff by process of elimination. Ben's ex-girlfriend Abby is probably still under your car, and I have no idea where Max went. He just disappeared.
DAVIS
That was Abby I hit?
LAUREN
Yeah.
DAVIS
"Nothing", huh? Well, I guess it fits.
They laugh for a moment. There's an awkward space, then Jeff walks through.
JEFF
Excuse me.
He goes to the CD rack and pulls out a handful, then heads back to the living room.
JEFF
Pardon me, again.
We follow him once again. Amanda is still laying on her back, the ice cream is melting and dripping down the sides of her stomach, but she's reading the screenplay abandoned at the beginning by Calvin, and laughing.
JEFF
What's so funny?
AMANDA
Calvin's screenplay. It's not half so bad once you get into it. He's really pretty funny.
There's a pause and she looks at Jeff.
AMANDA
Whatcha got there?
JEFF
These were the closest things to romantic music I could find. Let's look through them.
He pushes a few Amanda's way. She puts down the screenplay and starts looking at CDs.
AMANDA
"Love in the 50s". Put that in. It sounds sweet.
Jeff puts in the CD, dims the lights, and proceeds to lick the ice cream off of Amanda's stomach. Suddenly, from the speakers bursts "Mr. Sandman" with it's upbeat "bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum" or whatever at the beginning. He leaps up and Amanda cringes. The door to Ben's room flies open and he's standing there with a little black mask on over his eyes and a black bikini.
BEN
(furiously)
Can we please have a little quiet in here?! Thank you!
Ben reenters his bedroom and Jeff quickly turns off the song.
JEFF
Want to try another CD?
AMANDA
I'd rather not.
Jeff approaches her again and goes back to the ice cream. Amanda's eyes wander back to Calvin's screenplay. She reaches for it, stretching, starts wiggling in that direction so she can get it. Jeff looks up.
JEFF
What are you doing?
AMANDA
You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
JEFF
(wipes his mouth)
I think you're right. Go wash up and I'll fix the living room.
Amanda rises. We follow her through the hallway, past Lauren and Davis, who just look at her.
AMANDA
Excuse me.
Davis looks at Lauren.
LAUREN
Things got really boring tonight. That always leads to trouble.
He nods.
LAUREN
So why were you looking for Calvin, anyway?
DAVIS
Something to do. It's a Saturday, I'm bored, too. I figured I'd just swing by and talk to him.
LAUREN
Seems a little out of the teacher-student boundaries.
DAVIS
Please. You have no idea how many times I've crossed those.
He looks off somewhere.
LAUREN
Care to cross them again?
He looks back.
DAVIS
Huh?
LAUREN
Nothing.
Amanda, now clean, slides back through to the living room.
AMANDA
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
We follow her. Jeff has cleaned up the mess and he's reading Calvin's screenplay. Amanda calmly sits down next to him and turns on the television.
EXT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. THE BACKYARD.
Calvin, in his pajamas, is wandering around his backyard.
CALVIN
(whispering)
Max! Max! Where are you?
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
Ben and Danielle exit his bedroom, and Danielle quickly heads for the couch, next to Amanda. Ben slowly flops into the LA-Z-BOY.
BEN
Hey! This chair's broken!
Amanda is flipping through the channels, and Jeff is reading the screenplay.
EXT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. BACK YARD.
Calvin is still crawling around. He spots Abby and Max under a tree and rolls his eyes. He keeps walking towards them.
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
Lauren and Mr. Davis enter. Lauren sits on the floor and Davis takes a seat on the couch next to Jeff. They exchange quick "hi"s and grins, and Jeff goes back to his reading. Everyone else is silently watching the channels change.
A moment passes and Max enters. He squeezes between Amanda and Danielle and puts his arms around both of them. Calvin comes in a few moments later and takes a seat in a rocking chair. Amanda keeps flipping through the channels and they all sit watching the television.
Fade to black.
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
Amanda, Max, Danielle, Lauren, and Jeff are sitting where they were at the beginning and Calvin is standing before as he did initially. They all look unsure, save Calvin, who looks anxious.
LAUREN
I don't know. I almost think the first one was better.
DANIELLE
I don't like the idea of me sleeping with your brother.
CALVIN
Neither do I.
DANIELLE
Then why'd you write it?
CALVIN
It seemed to flow.
JEFF
It's a bit...over the top. Too unrealistic.
CALVIN
What?!
AMANDA
I didn't get the part where you were dancing in your bedroom.
DANIELLE
And why can Abby only ask questions? And who on earth would pick up on that?
CALVIN
I'll admit the first one was a little odd, but this--this--was brilliance!
AMANDA
Too weird.
DANIELLE
Not at all like real life.
LAUREN
Maybe you should take a break from writing for a little while. Try...painting or something.
CALVIN
I can't believe you people!
He storms from the living room and slams the door to his bedroom. There's silence for a few minutes. Amanda turns on the TV.
JEFF
I'm going to go get some ice cream.
Max is playing with Amanda's hair.
LAUREN
I'll go pick us out a movie. Something funny.
AMANDA
I'd like a drama, myself.
Lauren leaves the room and goes to Calvin's bedroom. He's listening to "Who Needs Sleep?" and dancing around his room. Lauren rolls her eyes and heads toward the movie rack, but stops mid-step. She smiles--a bit uncomfortable--but moves towards the center of the room. She, too, starts to dancing and the music gets a little louder. We zoom out, moving backwards through the doorway until we can actually see the doorframe.
INT. CALVIN'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
Jeff is now sitting on the couch, eating his ice cream. Danielle is in the rocking chair, and Jeff and Max flank Amanda. Jeff gives Amanda a sly, sexy look from the corner of his eye as he licks his spoon. They move closer.
Danielle is dully changing the channels and Max checks his watch.
"Who Needs Sleep?" bleeds into the living room and over takes all sound, except sudden moans and screams issuing from Ben's room. If finances were greater, we'd zoom out from an upward angel. Instead, we'll do it backwards--like from Calvin's room--leaving the living room behind, the channels still changing.
The end.