How can anyone find hunting to be a sport? The whole purpose of a sport are two teams or people competing to finish a certain goal better than your opponent. Like in soccer, the idea is to score more goals than your opponent, or in volleyball, the first team to score a certain number of points.

In hunting, the hunter and the deer have totally different objectives. The hunter’s goal is to bag a deer while the deer’s goal is not to get his fucking head blown off with a semi-automatic rifle. Now that’s a sport.

Plus it’s not even a real challenge any more. It used to be that hunting took skill. Now all you do is lie in a trench with a grenade launcher, bundled in nice warm clothing, and toting a six pack of beer. The athlete that is the hunter.

Plus, the deer must be really pissed off by the whole hunting thing. Before North America was settled by Europeans, the Indians and the deer had a great relationship. They hunted select deer for food, and in return the deer stayed out of their way. Now the deer are being shot because they are “overpopulated.” The deer are overpopulated? Excuse me? Have you been to New Jersey? We’re the ones who are fucking overpopulated here.

And lets just reverse positions on this whole issue too. Lets say that a bunch of deer came in, tore down your town and put in a forest. Then when you’re just hanging around, minding your own business, they gore you with their antlers and then say its for your own good. Yeah, I’d be pissed too.

Christians who are antisemitic make no sense. If they dislike Jews, then technically they shouldn’t have an aversion to Jesus, should they?

Words I use often, but am not within a flying fuck of knowing the definition of:

-paradigm

-euphamism

-carnal

-quandary

-eclectic

-nepotism

And words that are just plain funny:

-croon

-spelunking

-penile

-schlepp

-kielbasa

Once we land on Mars I believe we need to simply end it. What can you do after landing on Mars that could possibly amount to shit?

“Well we’ve invented this new insole for your shoe.”

“Uh huh. And how does it stack up against landing on Mars? What’s the point Larry? Let’s just blow up the damned planet and go out on top.”

The smartest method of performing a series of tasks is to do the most difficult first and then the progressively easier ones so that you get the big stuff out of the way. This should only be applied to menial chores like mowing the lawn, cleaning a room, and so on. When it comes to global problems, we should take the complete opposite approach.

AIDS? It mutates, and the spread can be prevented very easily. Don’t have sex or share blood in the rare eventuality that situation will occur. Cancer? Hey, it happens. We need something to thin the herd to some degree. All those weird diseases named after people (Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, etc.) that people only care about after a celebrity contracts? About eight people have each of those worldwide, and while I agree that they’re horrible diseases, we should concentrate on the big stuff.

Like world hunger for example. We don’t exactly need research for this little problem. We know the cure: food. And it’s not like its exactly a rare commodity. Oh sure in Somalia they don’t have anyhing, but go into any U.S. grocery store and there’s food coming out the ass (though personally I wouldn’t eat it if that’s where it was). Now all we have to do to solve this easy problem is take some of the food we’re hoarding over here and give it to the people who actually need it. Once we finish that up, then we can move on to AIDS, ok?

Whenever I hear about a tragedy, the injuries sadly don’t titillate me. 114 injured in horrible crash? They’ll all live. Doesn’t seem like a tragedy to me, just a close call. 114 dead is a tragedy.

You rarely see rich people smoke any more. They used to have those long cigarettes that they’d smoke and look all sophisticated. Now they occasionally smoke cigars, if they smoke at all. I never see anyone buy a carton of cigars just for themselves. I guess the rich have caught on that smoking will kill you, a fact that us lower classes have yet to grasp.

However I do believe that there are those occasions where smoking is really cool. For example, after you’ve killed 15 guys in hand-to-hand combat you casually light a smoke and take a long draw. You’re telling me that isn’t cool? The converse, hiding out in a high school bathroom stall with a defective flusher and putrid smell, is not a cool smoking scenario.

What would’ve happened if they’d hung Jesus instead of crucifying him? Or stoned him to death? Would we see people with nooses around their necks? Maybe instead of a crucifix at the front of the church they’d have a mace.

I’m willing to bet good money that Betty Ford was an alcoholic. And she probably abused Gerald too, which explains why he was always so disoriented.

Who else thinks that Trent Lott looks and acts like the villain of a bad John Grisham novel?

I’m so glad that they’ve toned down the food awareness ads on television. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those commercials reminding you of the existence of beef, pork, milk, and even cheese?

Where the fuck do you get funding for this sort of thing? We have millions of starving people in this country but we’re allocating these funds to remind the already grossly obese Americans of foods that still exist. This is why democracy just doesn’t work folks.

But really, you know how they received funding for this? You know that they were probably lobbying for some spare cash to promote their cause. And you know they had to get to a few politicians in their pocket. The almighty cheese lobby…….

I think we should find the congressman who were stupid enough to sign on and have a public execution on the Capitol steps. Jazz it up with a big “awareness campagin.”

“Lethal injection: It’s what’s for sinners.” “got any last words?”

God gave us the ability to reason, to have acute senses, to be able to move freely in land and water, to demostrate our superiority with our brains instead of our bodies, …………and somehow we invent and popularize professional wrestling. 4 billion years of evolution for this? Shit.

We don’t need to negotiate any peace deal in the Middle East. Why? Well if you’ve been following the news at all, at the rate they’re going there won’t be any more people in Israel within a year. Problem solved.

Those historical markers on road sides are pretty pointless. I stopped at one in Virginia. It read, "10 days after shooting President Lincoln, John Wilkes Boothe was captured by federal agents 5 miles from this spot." What's the point of putting up a historical marker five miles from where something actually happened? They'd never put a D-Day monument in Dover would they? No, they'd put it where it actually happened, in Normandy.

And speaking of John Wilkes Boothe, why is it that they always let you know the assassin's full name? John Wilkes Boothe, Mark David Chapman, Lee Harvey Oswald (if he actually did it), John David Hinckley........for the real psychos however, who kill multiple people, they give the standard two (Timothy McVeigh, Charles Manson). Is this a secret message that political people are more important that normal people? Ask your congressman or visit your local library, where you can find many books on the subject and European films no one give's a shit about.

The Jackal was the only exception to the "Assassin Name Rule," but sadly he wasn't real. I'm talking about the original Jackal from the 60's by the way, not the gay Bruce Willis imitation from a few years back.

I'm surprised more vegetarians don't eat at McDonald's. I've been there as much as the next person and I've certainly never seen anything resembling meat in their burgers.