"Fox Hunt"

SAMANTHA, a tall, skinny, blonde, pretty girl, rushes to meet TOM, a lanky, plain boy.

SAMANTHA

Have you heard? Oh my God! It's positively scandalous!

TOM

No. What is it?

SAMANTHA

You won't even believe me when you hear! It's just...shocking!

TOM

So, what's the news?

SAMANTHA

Are you sure you're ready to hear it?

TOM

Yes.

SAMANTHA

Are you absolutely sure?

TOM

Just tell me, Samantha. I'm sure I can handle it.

SAMANTHA

Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you...

TOM

Sam...

SAMANTHA

Okay, okay. Get this: Mr. Fox--the gorgeous Mr. Fox I would die for--has a girlfriend.

TOM

(shrugs)

Hardly news. Everyone thinks he's a hunk, why wouldn't he have a girlfriend? I heard he was dating a Playboy model.

SAMANTHA

(shakes her head)

TOM

Well, then some babe. What difference does it make?

SAMANTHA

A huge difference. It's no Playboy model, and it isn't even a babe.

TOM

So how do you know so much about this girl?

SAMANTHA

Are you sure you want me to tell you?

TOM

Not this again.

SAMANTHA

I'm just not sure you can take it, Tom.

TOM

Mr. Fox could be fucking goats, I wouldn't care. Just tell me who it is.

SAMANTHA

He is dating...

Bell RINGS.

TOM

Well...?

SAMANTHA

I'll tell you later. I've got to get to class.

Samantha runs wildly off down the hall, Tom shrugs apathetically and moves on in the opposite direction.

Tom swings into a classroom filled with students but lacking a teacher. Everyone is engaged in conversation and Tom takes a seat, over-hearing a few things.

GIRL #1

She's such a whore.

GIRL #2

It's disgusting. He's eight years older than she it!

GIRL #1

Doesn't she have any dignity?

GIRL #3

She probably lured him in. He's an innocent by-stander.

GIRL #2

That's exactly it! She just took a good, moral man and warped him around into a pervert.

GIRL #1

She should be ashamed of herself.

Tom looks a little confused. Now he hears some boys talking.

BOY #1

What I can't understand is why he chose her. I mean, yeah, she's pretty, and I'd date her of course--I should be so lucky--but all the girls are wild about him. Why have her when he could have anyone?

BOY #2

I don't know. I can't think of too many more I'd rather date.

BOY #3

Maybe Samantha. She's pretty hot.

Boys #1 and 2 nod.

BOY #1

But yeah: there's at least a dozen girls with bigger boobs and longer legs and fewer morals that would go down on him in a heart beat. The lucky bastard doesn't know what he's got.

Back to the girls.

GIRL #2

It's just not right.

GIRL #1

Does she know the kind of name she's giving us? What kind of teenage girl would date a man that much older? It makes us all look like cheap, easy thrill rides. If we actually appear that way, guys won't buy us stuff to make us put out...they'll just expect us to.

GIRL #2

I won't sleep with a guy unless I get a dinner or something. What's she doing, just dating this guy for nothing?

GIRL #3

And why did he pick her? What's wrong with us?

GIRL #2

Yeah, I'm way hotter than she is!

GIRL #1

I must've smiled at him a thousand times, wore tight skirts and everything...what'd I do wrong?

GIRL #2

He probably thought you were too good for him. He saw her and thought "easy".

The classroom door opens and a hush comes over the classroom. DREW, a short, blonde girl enters. She's not stunning, but she's very wholesome and looks intelligent: overall, an attractive girl, and it becomes apparent that she is the "she" everyone is talking about.

GIRL #3

She's a slut.

GIRL #2

Look at her! Shameless!

GIRL #1

She probably knows we're all talking about her...

GIRL #2

And is enjoying every minute of it!

All nod, sullen.

GIRL #3

Lucky bitch.

BOY #1

Seriously, though. Look at her. I'll admit that if she came over here right now and asked me out...

BOY #3

Fat chance, loser.

BOY #1

I said if, asswipe. If she came over and asked me out, I'd certainly say yes.

BOY #2

You'd say yes to any girl.

BOY #3

Doesn't even have to be a girl.

Boys #2 and 3 high five.

BOY #1

But I'm not even turned on right now. She's just a girl. Hardly worth all this mess.

BOY #2

Maybe she's easy.

BOY #1

When was the last time she had a boyfriend?

BOY #3

Last March.

BOY #1

And how long did it last?

BOY #2

A month or two.

BOY #1

Exactly. She doesn't date. And she certainly doesn't sleep around. I talked with Russell...everyone that's slept with anyone has slept with Russell, and he can't get anywhere near her.

BOY #2

I guess she only puts out for teachers.

BOY #3

Intellectual types.

BOY #1

Counts us out.

BOY #2

Like there was ever any hope for you anyway.

Drew has taken a seat. She's calmly opened a notebook and gotten out her other supplies for class: totally unaffected by the whispering..

GIRL #2

She's just sitting there like nothing's going on!

GIRL #1

I'd be hiding my face in shame.

GIRL #3

Or at least sharing the details.

GIRL #2

I'm going to give her a piece of my mind!

GIRL #3

No, don't! Don't make a scene!

GIRL #2

I'm doing it!

Girls #1 and 3 grin in nervous anticipation.

GIRL #2

Hey Drew!

Drew looks up and Girl #2 waits for the class to hush for her attention.

GIRL #2

I guess you're getting an A in math now, huh?

Drew looks down and the class laughs. Girls #1 and 3 are joyous.

GIRL #2

So, how is he? Any good?

Drew doesn't answer.

GIRL #2

Oh com'on. Don't tease us. We all know what you're doing.

Drew remains silent.

GIRL #2

You're just easy and we all know it.

Drew looks at Girl #2 with pain in her eyes.

GIRL #2

Oh, don't give me that look! If you aren't easy, then why are you fucking your math teacher?!

DREW

(yelling)

I'm not fucking him!

(quietly now, regaining her composure)

It's none of your business, anyway.

GIRL #2

Oh, none of my business, huh? Don't make your business public, then!

DREW

I didn't. Rumors just got started.

GIRL #1

Someone probably saw the two of you doing it on a desk!

DREW

I told you, we're not having sex.

GIRL #3

Why'd he pick you, anyway? You're not nearly hot enough for him. Not like me. I'd do him right, baby. You have no idea.

GIRL #1

Yeah. You're flat-chested, ugly and fat!

Drew is none of these.

GIRL #3

Okay, class poll! Who here would rather date me than Drew?

Several boys, including #1-3 but not Tom, raise their hands. There are a few dissenters, but the majority of the boys would rather have Girl #3.

GIRL #3

Hah. And to top it off, I'm not a cheap whore like you.

Drew looks sad, but is trying to ignore the girls' taunting.

TOM

Why don't you just leave her alone?

The girls turn slowly, ready to take on someone else.

GIRL #1

Oh, you're standing up for the hooker?

GIRL #2

What? Are you fucking her, too?

TOM

No, I'm not. And neither is Mr. Fox, so just leave her alone. What's the big deal?

GIRL #3

The big deal is that she's screwing a man with eight years on her!

GIRL #1

And she's not good enough for him, either.

TOM

She's not sleeping with him. She's said that: just take her word. And you just prostituted yourself to the class, asking everyone to say they'd rather date you. That was just to boost your ego. You're the whore. You're just jealous that she's dating Mr. Fox and you aren't.

Girls look appalled.

GIRL #3

I think you have me confused with some other floozy friend of yours. I don't date men in their twenties.

GIRL #1

They're not in play until they're at least thirty.

GIRL #2

Come on, girls. He's a loser. Not worth our time.

Mixed reactions through the class and meanwhile THE TEACHER makes an entrance. Slowly, things settle down and everyone relaxes. Drew looks very upset. Tom keeps glancing at her.

Samantha and Tom are sitting at the end of a lunch table, eating alone.

TOM

I think I'm gay.

SAMANTHA

I'm having a crisis and you want to go and change your sexuality on me?

TOM

No, just affirm it. What's the crisis?

SAMANTHA

Drew and Mr. Fox. I've wanted Mr. Fox since I first saw him. Granted I don't want all the crap Drew's getting, but it seems like it would be worth it.

TOM

You know what I like about you, Sam? You're honest. All the other girls here that are picking on Drew would fuck Mr. Fox in a hot second. At least you'll admit to it.

SAMANTHA

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty, too.

TOM

So what should I do?

SAMANTHA

Watch a gay porn. See if you like it.

TOM

I don't think that would work. I think I actually have to be with a man.

SAMANTHA

You can't even get girls to date you. How are you going to get a guy?

TOM

I'll find a way.

There's silence. They eat.

TOM

I've got it.

SAMANTHA

What?

TOM

I'll put an e-mail address on the wall in the bathroom. I'll write something like "Questioning male looking for guy to experiment with. If you're interested, contact me [email protected] or something." How's that sound?

SAMANTHA

Stupid. You'll get some homophobe just out to kick your ass, or--worse yet--some scrub.

TOM

You have any better ideas?

SAMANTHA

Nope.

TOM

Then that's going to have to do.

SAMANTHA

So why are you suddenly gay?

TOM

It's not sudden. I've always thought Will was hotter than Grace, and Greg hotter than Dharma, and Desi hotter than Lucy, and Greg Brady was way hotter than Marcia.

SAMANTHA

Everyone thinks that. Except the Brady one. Even I see that Marcia's hotter than Greg.

TOM

My point is that when there's a hot guy and a hot girl in the room, I'm not looking at the one I should be.

SAMANTHA

But what brought on the need to affirm?

TOM

This whole Drew thing. The girls were all acting like bitches, cutting her down and calling her a whore, even though they'd all do what she's doing if given the chance--except you, you at least admit it--and I just realize that I didn't like any of them. At all. Or any of their kind. It's not as if it's a new thought for me, but it just drove the point home for me.

SAMANTHA

Well, I guess you can try that e-mail thing. You never know.

TOM

Nope you never do. I think I'll go up to the computer lab and start a "questioning male" e-mail account.

SAMANTHA

Have a good time.

Tom is at a computer, clicking and typing. Drew approaches him.

DREW

Thanks a lot for sticking up for me.

TOM

Hey, no problem. I know you don't deserve any of that.

DREW

Thank you. I don't understand why this has gotten to be such a big thing. We haven't even kissed yet.

TOM

All the girls are just jealous.

DREW

Half of the girls that have been teasing me have told me they wanted Mr. Fox to do them until they couldn't walk. It just seems so hypocritical.

TOM

So how did you guys end up together?

DREW

I had a help night because I really just don't get algebra, and we started talking. I ended up staying for a few hours and we just kept talking. It was great. We talked about politics, what's going on in the news, our friends, our families, our lives: I've never had so much fun talking. And then he just sort of joked that I was the kind of woman he'd been looking for, so I laughed back, "Yeah, and you're the kind of man I've been looking for." Which is true. Most of the guys at this school are just after a good time, and you know, that's great for the right people. But I...I don't know. I guess I'm ready to move away from the whole sex-obsessed scene and try something a little more mature and serious. Mr. Fox is smart, funny, he's just fantastic. We're really just friends at this point. I'm only 17, so we'd probably wait a while before we moved any further. What we have now is a deep platonic relationship.

TOM

And what's so bad about that?

DREW

Nothing.

TOM

Exactly. All those girls will get over it soon enough. And they don't matter, anyway.

DREW

(smiles)

Thanks, Tom.

TOM

No problem.

Drew leaves and Tom turns his attention back to his computer. We see that he's established his account, and he closes down the internet, gathers his stuff, and exits the lab.

Tom is writing his "questioning male" story and address on a wall. A large, football playing type enters the bathroom: THE JOCK. He goes to Tom and reads over his shoulder. Tom, unaffected, keeps writing.

TOM

Hello.

JOCK

Hello.

The jock exits.

JOCK

(O.S., somewhat calmly)

Fag in the bathroom.

TOM

(smiling to himself)

Free advertising.

Tom finishes, steps back to admire his work, and puts his pen away. MR. FOX enters the bathroom.

TOM

Hi, Mr. Fox.

MR. FOX

Hi, Tom. How are you?

TOM

Good. And you?

MR. FOX

Pretty good, thank you.

Tom exits the bathroom and Mr. Fox approaches the urinal Tom was just at and uses it.

Samantha is still sitting at the lunch table, only now Drew has joined her.

SAMANTHA

I'm not going to lie...I am insanely jealous of you. Mr. Fox is so hot.

DREW

(bored)

Yeah.

SAMANTHA

I know this is extremely personal, and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to, but is he any good in bed?

DREW

I wouldn't mind telling you if I knew the answer.

SAMANTHA

Oh. Well, could you tell me when you know?

DREW

Sure.

Silence.

SAMANTHA

Do you know how big his dick is?

DREW

Nope.

Silence.

SAMANTHA

How he kisses?

DREW

No.

Short pause.

SAMANTHA

Anything?

DREW

He's a democrat.

Samantha sighs.

DREW

Sorry.

Tom is in his bedroom--rather plain and simple--talking on the phone. Sam is on the other end, sitting outside on her deck.

TOM

Why'd you ask her all that?

SAM

I want to know.

TOM

Yeah, but she doesn't know.

SAM

Yeah, I know that now.

TOM

And it isn't your business.

SAM

I know that, too, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious.

Pause.

SAM

So how's this whole gay thing working out for you?

TOM

No e-mails yet.

SAM

That's too bad.

TOM

Yeah. Maybe I'll just watch gay porn like you suggested.

SAM

I've got a few good ones if you want to borrow one.

TOM

Bring 'em in tomorrow.

SAM

Okay.

Tom looks really excited. Sam pops out from somewhere and Tom grabs her.

TOM

Someone e-mailed me!

SAM

Really? That's great! What'd he say?

TOM

Just that he saw my message and he's sort of been questioning his own sexuality for a while now, but has never gotten the opportunity to really try anything. So he wants to meet me. I'm pretty sure he's not just a gay-basher, and he sounds hot.

SAM

Sounds hot?

TOM

(shrugs)

Yeah. Why not?

SAM

We'll see. I bet he has a great "personality", too.

TOM

Maybe.

SAM

So are you going to meet him somewhere?

TOM

Yeah. After school. Where I wrote the message.

SAM

That's cool. Do you still want those tapes?

TOM

Yeah, give them to me later.

Bell RINGS.

SAM

Okay. Talk to you later. Good luck!

Tom enters the same class room as the day before and takes his seat. There's new gossip today.

GIRL #2

I hear he's done with her already.

GIRL #1

Wow, that was fast.

GIRL #3

I almost feel bad for her.

GIRL #1

Yeah, that's got to hurt to get pushed aside so fast.

Other side of the room.

BOY #1

He was done quick.

BOY #3

Probably saw he wasn't going to get any and gave up. Moved on to one of those babes we were talking about.

BOY #2

Maybe this is my time to move in on Drew.

BOY #3

Yeah, sure. I know that if I were a hot chick and I'd just been dumped by some cute guy, I'd go running into the arms of the first fugly, stupid, asshole that came along!

Boys #1 and 3 high five. Back to the girls.

GIRL #2

I would cry.

GIRL #1

I wouldn't even come to school.

GIRL #3

To go through all of that teasing--

GIRL #2

Some people can be so mean.

GIRL #3

--and then just get thrown away for someone else! And only in a day!

GIRL #1

Are you sure there's someone else?

GIRL #3

There must be. Why else would he dump her? She's really such a nice, pretty girl.

Drew enters. There's a hush again, but it's different today. Girls #1-3 rush at her.

GIRL #2

It's so cruel.

GIRL #3

We're all behind you.

GIRL #1

He's just a jerk, anway. You don't need him.

DREW

We weren't really together in the first place: just friends. So technically nothing has changed.

There's a pause. The three girls seem confused. They all shrug simultaneously and return to their seats.

GIRL #1

Whatever.

GIRL #2

Friends? People do that?

GIRL #3

What use is a guy for a friend? If they were meant to be our friends, they'd have a uterus.

Drew makes her way to her desk. The class is still relatively quiet.

TOM

(whispers)

Are you okay?

Drew nods.

DREW

I figured he'd get sick of the publicity. Frankly I did, too. Besides--like I said--not much has changed. We're still friends just like before.

Tom nods.

The hall is empty, and then a bell ECHOES through. Quickly, the halls fill with rushing students, ready to leave. Tom is among them. He slips quietly into the boys bathroom.

Tom awkwardly uses a urinal and stands around impatiently. The Jock enters. He looks at Tom, and backs out quickly.

TOM

(under his breath)

Thank God.

He stands around for another minute, washes his hands. Mr. Fox enters.

MR. FOX

Hi, Tom.

TOM

Hi, Mr. Fox.

Pause. Mr. Fox goes to urinal and uses it.

MR. FOX

You waiting for someone, or something?

TOM

Kinda.

MR. FOX

Who?

TOM

I'm not sure.

Tom is sitting in his room again, and Sam is in her's as well--typical teenage girl room.

SAM

You are so kidding me! That did not happen!

TOM

I swear to God! That's the truth!

SAM

You can't be serious! That's just not right!

TOM

Seriously, it was him.

SAM

Oh my God! I am so jealous of you! I can't talk to you anymore!

TOM

What?

SAM

My God! You stole him from me! I can't sit here and have a conversation with you when you have him!

TOM

Come on! It's no big deal. I didn't mean for it to happen. I'm sorry.

SAM

It's okay. I'm only kidding.

Pause.

SAM

So did you...?

TOM

Maybe.

SAM

Oh my God!

TOM

What?

SAM

You are so lucky! You have no idea!

TOM

(with a grin)

Yeah, I do actually.

SAM

Oh my God! How is he in bed?

The end.