"A Documentary"
Halibut Enterprises Presents:
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A Coen Production
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Of
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A Kevin Coen Film
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Starring
(in order of importance)
Narrator
Peter Segal
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Director
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Roberta Weiss
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Gill Netter
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Ira Newborn
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Pat Proft
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Grace Kennedy
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Jesse Zucker
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"A DOCUMENTARY"
A film documenting how
students feel about homosexuals
Introduction:
Narrator
What is "gay?" It was not until the Second World War that homosexuality was really becoming noticed due to persecution of homosexuals by Hitler.
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According to the 1968 edition of Webster's New World Dictionary "gay" is "joyous and lively." In 2000, it said the very same thing. However, the 2000 edition of Webster's included another accepted definition of gay as "homosexual."
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Somewhere in these mere thirty years, a revolution, perhaps one relating to sex occurred. But when, in these three decades was the term first officially used? Unfortunately, that is unknown. And quite frankly, these filmmakers do not give a damn, much like Switzerland did not give a damn about the people Hitler was killing.
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The true purpose of this film is not to discover where such politically incorrect terms that cannot be used here (i.e. fairy, queer, queenie) originated, but rather to discover what students at Springfield High School (located in Springfield off I-91) think about homosexuality and its subordinate clauses.
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Unfortunately, no homophobes would appear on film because of a fear that they might be treated badly because of what they are.
The filmmakers wish to remind all viewers that this film is purely fictionalized truth, and that if at any time the film appears to resemble an actual documentary with even the slightest legitimacy, then we apologize.
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Insert Credits here.
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Segment One:
Subtitle: �What is Gay?
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Narrator
We begin our search for the truth about UFOs with Peter Segal, a young SHS student who wishes to remain nameless. If you disagree with him in any way, write to him at:
******* Rd, Springfield, VT 05156
or telephone him at
1 (802) 886-****.
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Peter Segal
Well, yeah I like gays. I mean I practically am one because of the NEA. Not to mention my test scores.
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Director
Please stay on task.
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Peter
I know a lot of gay people. Well, I know a fair number�. Maybe a few. Well, actually, my cousin is gay. He lives in�well; I've never actually met him. I guess the reason that I don't know any gay people is that there's this ludicrous belief that SHS is a homophobic environment�
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Roberta Weiss
Hell, yeah it's a homophobic school. Do you remember that Matthew Sheppard thing a few years back? More than one of the students here were involved with it. Not to say that the illegal actions at Springfield are limited to killing homosexuals. Remember the Jon Benet Ramsey thing?
Roberta nods and smiles matter-of -factly
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Director
What is gay?
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Gill Netter
Of or characterized by a sexual desire for those of the same sex as oneself.
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Director
You're quoting Webster's exactly.
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Gill
You asked a direct question, and I gave you a direct answer.
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Director
Why are you here?
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Gill
Because you asked me if I wanted to be in a movie.
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Ira Newborn
Gay, huh? That's a toughy. Could I use that dictionary?
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Director
No.
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Ira
Gay, huh? That's a toughy. I guess it's the sexual desire for those of the same sex as oneself, of or characterized by.
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Roberta
I guess a good way to put it would be a male-male or female-female relationship as opposed to a male-female one.
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Director
But what is gay?
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Gill
I thought you asked me what homosexuality was.
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Director
One and the same, Gill.
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Gill
My only guess-since you won't let me use the dictionary-is sex between homosapiens.
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Director
Stupid.
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Gill
Is that what it means? See, I would just say stupid. I'm not a fan of cymblnyms.
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Pat Proft
Sex between the same sex.
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Director
You mean gender.
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Pat
Gender between the same sex? What the hell does that mean?
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Ira
Holding up mini-dictionary
You were right; I had a dictionary.
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Narrator
Unfortunately, this film crew ran out of gas in the wrong town, and subsequently found a herd of morons, with less intelligence as a whole than one cow. In an attempt to do some "moron-weeding," the producers cut Peter Segal from any further sequences.
After speaking with these individuals who appear to be missing a bushel of brain cells, it was decided collectively that Springfield's definition of gay was: the sexual desire of one person toward another of the same gender. This definition was indeed parallel to that of Webster's, leading this narrator to believe that the preceding segment was pointless and would have been far more effective simply showing a Webster's dictionary-regardless of whether or not it was open.
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Segment Two:
Subtitle: Why are people gay?
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Ira
Hmmm�
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Gill
Interesting�
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Roberta
Definitely genetic.
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Pat
I wonder�
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Grace Kennedy
Good question�
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Ira
Definitely�
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Gill
Without a doubt�
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Pat
Positively�
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Grace
Nodding
Monkeys.
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Gill
They're them dirty little bastards that gave us AIDs.
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Grace
They did evolve from us, you know.
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Ira
Ever had a monkey burger? It kind of tastes like a veggie burger. In fact, I have a theory about that-
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Pat
So, you mean sex between two people of the same gender?
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Director
Yes.
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Pat
Shaking head
Still don't get it.
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Narrator
It is utterly striking how stupid people can be-particularly in rural Vermont towns. It is so striking, in fact, that the producers, after this segment, opted to discard Pat Proft from our team of players. Luckily, they found a young girl who was far smarter than Pat, and thankfully so.
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Segment Three:
Narrator
This third and final segment asks a question that, when directed toward our group of individuals could be hard to answer. The first hill to climb, so to speak, is deciding on whether or not they have their own opinions.
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Subtitle: What are your feelings toward homosexuals?
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Ira
I like the girls-but then again, I think most heterosexual guys do.
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Jesse Zucker
I have no particular feelings for homosexuals. None different from those that I feel toward heterosexuals. I take that back. Most homosexuals are nicer than straight people.
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Roberta
What's with the term "straight?" If heterosexuals are straight, does that make homosexuals curved or circular?
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Gill
I like the guys�not like that! They just seem to have this great outlook on life that no one else does.
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Narrator
Due to clerical error, Peter Segal was invited back to the film.
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Peter
I can't really say. I like to think that they are no different than straight people. And I assume they're just another man or woman walking down the street. But I know maybe one homosexual and I can't make a judgement on that.
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Grace
Yes.
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Director
Excuse me?
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Grace
I answered your question.
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Director
You did?
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Grace
I don't have to conform to your totalitarian way of life just because you're directing me!
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Ira
Why can't people just accept the fact that not everyone is exactly the same as them? And why does it always seem to be such a chore when people treat gays like straights? It should be natural to treat all people the way you were taught-regardless of whether your father killed two couples and ate them. In that case, the kid should be killing gays and straights both, not discriminating against one or the other, not giving a damn about their sexual orientation, thinking only "hey, it's someone to kill!"
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Director
I'm paying you.
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Grace
I can conform to that.
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Ira
I blame it on Vermont. They're sort of the Nazi-KKK of 21st Century North East United States
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Narrator
Could it possibly be that these people are not as stupid as initially thought? This member of the Narrators' Guild of America thinks "no."
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Segment Four:
Subtitle: What are your feelings toward gay marriage?
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Roberta
I'm all for it. Down with Roma Denofrio!
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Peter
Everyone should have a gay marriage.
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Ira
I'm sort of�Switzerland.
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Grace
Waving pom-poms
All right, gaaaaaaaay marriage!
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Jesse
If we don't give homosexuals the right to marriage, are we going to deny it to blacks?
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Peter
I meant a happy marriage. I hate divorce.
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Director
I thought I asked you to stay on task.
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Peter
Unhappy
Fine�I'm for gay marriage.
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Gill
Someone is holding a knife to
his throat from behind
You can't make me say it! You can't!
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Pat
We have the death penalty, why not gay marriage? Maybe that wasn't the best analogy.
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Gill
All right!
Struggling
I'm not for gay marriage!
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Jesse
And then maybe the Jews?
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Pat
I mean, they allow pet-owners to have two dogs get married, why can't homosexuals�? Again, bad analogy.
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Jesse
And while we're at it, let's deny marriage to Hispanics. And Asians. And Nigeririshnativmericrussiapolinichinese. And hell, you can't forget the Baptists!
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Pat
I think this is a better analogy: They don't care if people screw around extramaritally, so why should they care about this�? Dammit!
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Narrator
What started out asking about homosexuality has turned into a documentary about stupidity.
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Segment Five:
Subtitle: Can you put it in a sentence?
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Narrator
Now comes the segment in which we test the subjects' skills in grammar.
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Roberta
A person who is gay desires sex with someone of his or her own gender.
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Peter
Some estimates suggest that one of every five people are gay.
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Ira
A gay woman is known as a lesbian.
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Gill
I like watching gay women-
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Grace
I'm being paid to say "gay."
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Jesse
The company of gay people is equal to if not better than that of heterosexuals.
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Pat
I'm�not�gay?
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Segment Six:
How are homosexuals treated at your schoo/?
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Peter
You're automatically assuming that I pay attention.
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Grace
Well, there aren't too many open homosexuals�
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Roberta
�I think that's because if they were open about it, that they would be severely harrassed.
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Peter
You're also assuming I care.
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Jesse
I don't think that they would be physically abused.
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Peter
Which I do-I do care.
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Jesse
I think that all of the homophobes put on this show, "Oh, we're tough guys, we're gonna beat up this fag�" but in reality, they've never fought anyone in their lifetimes, and wouldn't know where to begin.
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Peter
I was just pulling your leg earlier.
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Gill
I think that most homosexuals are treated�
Running to window.
Hey! It's snowing!
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Ira
Pretty badly in more�
Running to window.
Hey! It's snowing!
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Director
Would you please pay attent-
Running to window.
Hey! You were right! It is snowing!
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Narrator
Christ-it's gotten to the director now.
Running out of the camera's view.
Oh my God! It's snowing.
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Peter
Verbal manner. That's how they tend to do it.
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Roberta
I'd agree with Peter.
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Director
I haven't interviewed Peter on this question yet.
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Roberta
Then how the hell can I agree with him?
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Peter
Like, I have this friend for instance.
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Roberta
I have that friend too.
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Director
Excuse me?
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Roberta
Sorry
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Peter
He isn't gay, but one day, he wore pink pants, and while walking down the hall-
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Jesse
I remember this story.
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Director
Shut up, please God, shut up.
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Jesse
It isn't good to tell God to shut up. You might as well pack your bags and go to hell right now.
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Director
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I can't take it anymore!!!!!
Running. Door opens and slams shut.
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Jesse
I wonder where the hell he's going.
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Peter
So anyway, this friend, the one with the pink pants, he was just wearing pink pants, and while in the hall, people were saying things like "what the hell is this?" "Who's the fag?" and things like that. It was pretty depressing that people are that bigoted to say things like that.
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Narrator
What the f---? Is it just me, or was that session actually approaching productivity? I doubt-
Running out of camera view.
Hey! It's hailing!
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Epilogue:
Narrator
It would appear that despite some confusion and stupidity at the beginning of the feature, all parties involved, save for Pat, learned something today. This even includes Gill despite his perverted ideals. If only every day a documentary could be seen by people the world over, educating people, and helping them understand that it is not the homosexuals, blacks or Jews that are the minority, but in fact, themselves, because there is only one of them, and six billion us-es. And If this did happen, the world would be a different place; one in which Heidi Fleise's little black book had not been found, thus not ruining our director's Hollywood career.
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Stay tuned for this stations next show "How This Narrator's Hollywood Career Was Ruined: Why You Should Never Say Christianity is Better Than Judaism in Front of Steven Spielberg." Goodnight, and have a good night.
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Subtitle: What they're doing now:
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Peter Segal has continued to be successful as a stupid person and is hoping to aspire to new heights in the realm of block, and headedness.
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Roberta Weiss has continued to be an anti-Roma Denofrio activist as well as promoting gay marriage. She hopes to kill at least one homophobe this year.
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Gill Netter was killed after pronouncing that he was in favor of gay marriage. It is still being investigating who murdered him. It is believed, however, that it was a member of an anti-gay marriage group, or perhaps Roma Denofrio who perpetrated the heinous crime. His parents are about to release his pornographic film "Lesbian Chicks Go Wild (For You)" on videocassette and DVD in local video stores. The film will be widely released at the end of the year. For more information, write:
******Rd.
Springfield, VT 05156
or telephone:
1 (802) 885-****
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Ira Newborn is already in the planning stage of opening a company with his partner (business related only) which is to produce "Monkers," a burger made from monkey meat. To avoid the FDA and its European equivalent, Ira plans to sell his product in Africa, Russia, South America, and Asia only.
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Pat Proft is currently in his seventh year at SHS. In three years, he plans to graduate and become manager at McDonalds Restaurant.
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Grace Kennedy continued defying fascist governments until last month at which point she was run over by a military tank in Tiananmen Square.
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Jesse Zucker has become a gay rights activist and has been in Washington D.C. to protest in front of the Supreme Court six times. She is currently running for state senator in Vermont. She expects to lose horribly, but then have her opponent knocked off, thus, as runner up, instating herself as senator.
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The director of this film, Jim Abrahams' was recently run down by a van while walking a country road in Vermont. He is currently in stable condition, but has lost approximately thirty-five pounds. Jim is pressing charges toward the driver of the van.
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The Narrator of this film, Robert LoCash was blacklisted by the entire Jewish community when he made inappropriate comments about a Yarmulke worn by Woody Allen. He has since been enrolled at the Museum of Natural Substance Abuse where he is currently an exhibit.
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