"Adventures in Sex"
Adventures In Sex
A Screenplay by
KeViN CoeN
Starring
Jane
Marcy
Mike
Angie
Susan
Amy
And
The Parents
With a Special Appearance by
Rob
OPENING CREDITS. Halibut Enterprises Present... to "O Fortuna" which continues into…
INT. HALLWAY. DURING CLASS. The hallway is empty. Shot at floor level. Nothing is amiss, but the floor is dirty and… a crowd emerges, amongst who is a teen boy and girl walking out of a classroom.
MIKE
I can't believe I got a detention from Ms. Michner.
MARCY
What for?
MIKE
I think it was because I was happy.
MARCY
Excuse me?
MIKE
Well, apparently, we're not allowed to be happy anymore.
MARCY
YOU were happy?
MIKE
Hard to believe, isn't it?
Another girl begins walking with them, books in hand.
JANE
Believe what?
MIKE
That I was happy.
JANE
That's unexpected. Are you sure it's happiness? Maybe you're just mistaking sex with Angie for happiness.
MIKE
And there's my beautiful angel now.
ANGIE runs up from the opposite direction, hugs MIKE, and kisses him quickly as she pulls away.
JANE
Point of interest: there were no female angels.
SUSAN joins the group, creating a walking wall that no one in the halls can penetrate.
SUSAN
Well, perhaps Angie isn't female.
ANGIE
Shut up, Susan.
(To MIKE)
How are you?
MIKE
Happy.
ANGIE stops quickly and gives MIKE a shocked look before continuing to walk with the group. The group stops at a locker which MARCY begins unlocking.
MIKE
God created Angie because he hadn't found anyone perfect enough to be a female angel yet.
ANGIE hugs MIKE for a long time before pulling back.
ANGIE
And I've got the Victoria's Secret bra and underwear set to match.
The couple embrace again. MARCY leans behind the two to whisper to JANE and SUSAN.
MARCY
Must they do this in front of us?
JANE
You know, no one follows the PDA rule, so what makes them think that the Happy rule will be?
MARCY
You mean that's real?
SUSAN
Uh-huh.
JANE
(Looking at ANGIE and MIKE)
Dammit!
JANE brings her hand up and viciously hits MIKE on the back of the head. MIKE pulls away from ANGIE, and begins rubbing the back of his head.
MIKE
What the hell was that for?
JANE
Just because we don't have sex doesn't mean we have to see it occur.
MIKE
Damn!
ANGIE
What?
MIKE
I just realized that I was having dinner with my family tonight.
INT. MIKE'S DINING ROOM. EVENING. MIKE, his parents and his sister, AMY are eating dinner.
MIKE
This sucks.
MOM (O.S.)
(Like Peanuts' adults)
Wont wont wont, won won!
MIKE
(Turning to DAD)
Dad, could you have Mom shut up?
DAD (O.S.)
(Discouraged)
Won.
MIKE
(To AMY)
Have you noticed that Mom and Dad are beginning to sound like the parents in Peanuts?
AMY
Whatever.
MIKE
Stop contradicting me, you bitch.
AMY
I'm not a bitch, you slut.
MIKE
I'm not the one who had sex with Georgia Polaski.
AMY
That's not what I hear.
MIKE
(Sternly; glaring)
Shut up.
AMY
(Defiantly)
No!
MIKE
Shut up.
AMY
Whatcha gonna do, slut?
MIKE
(Giving AMY the evil eye; low, offensive voice)
Damn you….
MIKE reaches to his plate and retrieves the BAKED POTATO sitting there. He hurls it at AMY, hitting her in the head and knocking her out her chair, to the floor.
MOM and DAD (O.S.)
Wont won!
MIKE
I think Angie is here. Thanks for dinner.
MIKE gets up from his chair and begins walking out of the room.
AMY
Grrrrr….
MIKE turns slowly (slow motion, but created by him). Eyes widen, begins to run. A BAKED POTATO comes hurling at him. It hits him in the back of the head, exploding. He falls. MIKE jumps up quickly and jumps over his chair, tackling AMY to the ground. She lets out a yelp. Mike stands and begins walking, at which point she stands. MIKE is at the doorway. AMY comes hurtling through the air, landing on MIKE. Both wrestle on the ground for a minute, before AMY lets out a louder yelp. Shift up, floor is not in view. MIKE stands, entering the frame, alone, not at all ruffed up; perfectly groomed. Low moaning from AMY.
MIKE
If you'll kindly excuse me, I think that I'll great Angie at the door.
MIKE exits. FADE TO BLACK AND…
INT. MIKE'S BEDROOM. NIGHTTIME, LIGHTS LOW. MIKE is sitting on his bed, ANGIE is not seen. MIKE occasionally bounces up and down. A few indistinct grunts occur periodically.
MIKE
Sometimes I wonder. If there is a god, and he did create everything in the universe, why does he isolate us from all of the other beings that live there? And if we are the only planet on which life exists, why did he create everything?
ANGIE
(Grunt)
MIKE
You know, Angie, sometimes…
(MIKE'S eyes close and he shudders)
…ohhh…sometimes I wonder if sex makes a relationship.
(MIKE'S eyes open)
Why'd you stop?
ANGIE pops up from MIKE'S lap; her face is covered in chocolate. She is giving MIKE a discouraged look.
MIKE
What?
ANGIE
What did you say?
MIKE'S arm moves a little and a zipping sound is heard. ANGIE stands, buttoning her blouse.
MIKE
(Swallowing nervously)
I said I wonder if sex makes a relationship.
ANGIE
Well of course it does. Look at Sonny and Cher. Pamela Lee and Tommy. Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe.
MIKE
Each of those couples was eventually divorced.
ANGIE
So you want some substance to our relationship…is that it?
MIKE
I'm just saying I want to be less sex orientated and more monogamous.
ANGIE
You want me to stop sleeping around?
MIKE
You're sleeping around?
ANGIE
(Nervously)
That was a joke.
MIKE
I just want a little commitment.
ANGIE
You want commitment? I can't handle that. I'm leaving.
ANGIE picks up a mini-backpack and exits the room. MIKE stands and looks out the door.
MIKE
Angie…you may want to visit the bathroom first.
INT. CAFETERIA. MIDDAY. MIKE, SUSAN, MARCY, and JANE are eating lunch.
JANE
Hell yeah, Mike. All girls are whores.
MARCY and SUSAN nod.
Well, not Marcy and me, but that's because we can't get any. But if we could, let me tell you.
MIKE
Even if you could get some, you would be completely reserved.
JANE
Shut up.
MIKE
It's just that I always thought girls wanted commitment.
The three girls shudder.
MARCY
Mike, do you get all of your advice from TV?
MIKE
What I don't get from TV I get from the Kama Sutra.
SUSAN
We need to teach you some things about what girls want.
Number one: big thing.
Number two: be hot.
Number three: easy guys.
Number four: frequent and passionate sex.
JANE
And the biggest rule of all: girls don't like commitment!
MIKE
That's all I need to keep a woman happy?
SUSAN
That and not getting them pregnant. We hate kids Mike. All that bullshit about maternal instincts is bullshit. Kids are disgusting. They smell, they're ugly, and they detract from sex.
MIKE stands and begins to leave.
MARCY
Where are you going?
MIKE
I'm going to find Angie.
MIKE leaves. The girls sit quietly. MIKE returns running.
MIKE
Does my hair look okay?
JANE
Shut up.
MIKE exits.
SUSAN
He is going to screw this up some how.
JANE
No doubt.
MARCY
Should we have told him we like to watch sports more than talk to guys?
JANE
I don't know.
(Looking beyond MARCY)
Hey look! It's Rob.
SUSAN stands and runs to ROB, jumping into his arms and straddling him. She kisses him.
JANE
You know what sucks, Marcy?
MARCY
Are you going to tell me?
JANE
Yes. We could advise our two best friends accurately on relationships until the cows came home, but we will never date anyone, let alone have sex.
MARCY
When you say cows, are you talking about me?
JANE
I know that you have a slow metabolism, but I would never make fun of you for it.
SUSAN and ROB talk for a minute at a distance. After a moment, she slaps him and begins walking away quickly, out of the cafeteria. ROB walks off non-chalantly.
JANE
Huh. I wonder what happened there.
MARCY
(Perky)
Do you think this could happen to Mike and Angie too?
JANE
I hope so…not. I meant not.
MARCY
Do you think that they broke up?
INT. HALLWAY. MIDDAY. MIKE is walking down the hall. Music in the background, something fifties-ish, confident, maybe "Let's Go Bowling" from Pleasantville is playing. He walks through a set of heavy doors. He begins walking up the stairs, and ANGIE is on her way down, but on the other side of the railing. The both stop, she a step or two above him.
MIKE
Hi, Angie.
ANGIE
Hey, Mike. How are you?
MIKE
(Stopping. In '50s clothing for one shot)
Good…. Say…I was thinking, Angie. You know…I don't think I meant what I said last night. In fact, I think it would be swell if you and I were going steady again with just the sex.
ANGIE
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.
(Comes close and cups his cheek in her hand)
I'm already seeing someone. They really know what I want. I think we were meant for each other.
MIKE
You're seeing someone ALREADY?
ANGIE
Mike, I'm a girl. And because I'm a girl, I'm a whore too. And because I'm a whore, I always have a backup….
INT. CAFETERIA. MARCY AND JANE ARE SITTING AT THE SAME TABLE.
MARCY
Do you think that we should go find her?
JANE
(Shrugging)
I don't know.
MARCY
Do you have an opinion here?
JANE
Fine, let's go find her.
The two stand and exit the cafeteria. They walk to the stairwell. They see MIKE and ANGIE talking. They duck underneath the window and open the door slightly and begin listening.
MIKE
Can you just answer one question?
ANGIE
Sure, Mike. Shoot.
MIKE
Who is it?
ANGIE
Oh. Right. Okay.
(Leans into MIKE'S ear and whispers)
MIKE
Ms. Michner!?
JANE
(Whispering)
Oh my.
MARCY
This isn't good, is it?
MIKE runs back down the stairs, opening the door and running past MARCY and JANE. He turns into a corridor. A reprise of "O Fortuna" begins, but lighter, in the background.
JANE
I think he went to the bathroom.
They stand and casually begin walking toward the corridor.
MARCY
Shouldn't we hurry just in case it's an emergency?
JANE
(Waving hand)
Nonsense.
The two turn at the corridor and begin walking down it. The door to the "GIRLS" room is just shutting.
MARCY
Think he went in there?
JANE
Knowing him: yes.
They turn into the bathroom. Out of one of the stalls, two legs are sticking out. JANE turns to MARCY and gives her a questioning look. JANE runs forward and pulls the head out of the toilet. It is the lifeless face of SUSAN.
JANE
Marcy! I have some good news.
MARCY
What's that?
JANE
I can effectively answer your question regarding whether or not Susan and Rob split up.
MARCY
Really? How?
JANE
They did split. How can I tell? It appears that Susan killed herself.
MARCY looks mildly astonished. MARCY looks farther down the row of stalls.
MARCY
Jane, is that another set of legs?
JANE
(Looking around the edge of the stall)
Dammit!
JANE and MARCY run to the other set of legs. JANE pulls the head out the toilet. MIKE'S lifeless face.
JANE
And this…is the product of Angie's conversation.
The two stand in silence for a moment, looking back and forth from SUSAN'S legs to MIKE'S.
MARCY
Did you know Ms. Michner was a lesbian?
JANE
My mom was dating her for awhile.
MARCY
Wasn't your dad dating her?
JANE
That was before she discovered her sexual preference. Come to think of it, it was after sleeping with my dad that my mom discovered hers, too.
FADE TO BLACK
SUBTITLE: ONE WEEK LATER…
INT. CHURCH/FUNERAL HOME. MORNING.JANE and MARCY are in the pews. JANE is crying and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Both are dressed in black.
JANE
I cannot believe that they canceled Will & Grace last night. That was my favorite show.
MARCY
Had you happened to notice that our two best friends are having a funeral?
JANE
They should know better than to kill themselves over a bisexual and a male slut.
MARCY
You don't care that they are dead?
JANE
Do you?
MARCY
Wasn't I supposed to at least pretend that I was sad?
JANE
Damned if I know.
MARCY
Is there any irony in this situation?
JANE
Damned if I know.
MARCY
Is there anything at all amusing about this ordeal?
JANE
Damned if I know.
AMY
(Tears in eyes)
Shhh!
JANE
Shut up. I'm having a conversation here!
MARCY
Why aren't we stricken by this incident at all?
JANE
Damned if I know.
MARCY
Do you know anything?
JANE
I'll tell you what I do know, Marcy.
MARCY
(Sarcastically)
And pray tell, Jane, what is it?
JANE
That wasn't needed, Marcy.
MARCY
(Annoyed)
And what was needed, Jane? More input from you?
JANE
(Ignoring MARCY)
In retrospect, there is a bit of irony here: we were complaining about not having a relationship. But if we did, we would be driven to suicide. I'd say that's irony.
MARCY
Is it better to live a life without love over one with love that eventually leads to tragedy?
INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. ANGIE and MS. MICHNER are lying in bed. Stay for a minute before shifting to ROB and AMY in bed. Linger for a moment before shifting to JANE'S room. JANE and MARCY are playing Monopoly.
{THE END}