Death in the family...
Friday 6/6/2001
About 8:30 a.m. my neice Dianne (my sister Jeanne's oldest) called to tell me that my sister Chris (Christine) had died around midnight Thursday. Dianne thought it might have been emphysema (what my mother died from - smoking).
Most recently, Chris had a mild stroke and lung problems. She also had Parkinson's disease for several years. Approximately two months ago, she went to the hospital because she'd been behaving bizarrely. Her boyfriend found her trying to wash her purse in the dishwasher. She also took his money out of his wallet, then put the wallet in a blender.
The doctors found brain tumors and said they were inoperable. They advised that treatment would not be successful. They offered to medicate her to at least make her comfortable. About two weeks after that diagnosis, Chris had other spells of strange behavior. She went back to the hospital. Two months after the brain tumor diagnosis, she died.
I didn't call my husband. I knew he couldn't afford to take off work. Around 11 a.m. Joe called. I told him about Chris passing away. His only comments to me were that he'd be home in about an hour and did i want him to bring me a sandwich.
He does yard work, and with it raining Friday afternoon, Joe had time off. He brought the sandwich and soda in, then put invoices on my desk for me to process. Talk about innapropriate behavior! His only 'personal' interaction with me was to say that he took pork chops out for dinner. I really resented cooking his dinner that night. He should have at least asked if I was up to it.
Saturday around 11 a.m. Dianne called again. Joe answered the phone and told her he wasnt going (to California for Chris's viewing/services). He showed no concern about how or if I would get there. Joe passed the phone to me.
Dianne offered to have Tim (Chris's son - about 37), squeeze me in his truck with her, my sister Jeanne, (and possibly my sister Maxine). I'm not physically capable of enduring a 6.5 hour trip in the back of a truck in the summer desert heat. (I sincerely doubt any of us were capapble of that).
Joe never offered the use of the work truck for one of my sister's to drive. (I don't drive. It gives me nosebleeds.) The work truck was not needed Sunday. I would have been able to at least say goodbye to Chris at the viewing. Joe quit work 4 hours early Saturday and put off 1.5 hours of work until Sunday. Later in the evening, I said I'd like to go to the store and get some sympathy cards (for the family) and get well cards for a friend who is recovering from a double heart bypass.
Chris was in Duarte California. It's about a 6.5 hour trip by car. Duarte is about 11 miles from Pasadena. That's not terribly far from Los Angeles. I checked bus routes, but the bus line only went to Pasadena. I'd have no way to Duarte without disturbing the family during the viewing to come get me. I'm not physically capable of hitching a ride. I have joint problems which cause severe pain when i stand, and cause pure agony when i walk or carry things. Yes, I did contemplate hitching a ride and camping out because i had no money for a motel room.
On Sunday Joe asked if I got the paperwork done!!! He has no couth. I told him I took some time Saturday to send thank you notes to those who were kind and sent me ecards. He asked cards for what. I snapped back, cards because Chris died. He asked: 'now, who's that again?" I reminded him that she is my sister, and that he met her when my brother died about three years ago. After being married eight years, he could at least try to remember the names of my siblings.
Joe berated me Sunday afternoon for not reminding him to take me to the store to get the cards. As if, under the circumstances, I should be 'mommying' him! Not once did he say anything consoling to me. Not once did he hug me. He didn't even send flowers to the service hall.
Well, it is now mid morning Wednesday and he still has not hugged me or offered any kind words. I'm hoping my neice was able to get a clipping of the obituary notice. My eyelid swelling from crying so much lately is gone now. I told myself to look upon the situation as if Chris had died on the east coast and not a few hours away. Under such a circumstance, I wouldn't have been able to attend a funeral any further away. Focusing on that helped me ease the sting of missing the final gathering.
I am working on finding my center and adjusting my mind to a more peaceful balance. Thank goodness for Avatar of Ares' afghan project that I'm working on. I'm near the half way point now. It gave me something to concentrate on, a way to find some calm. I realize I can only do what I can do, only change what I can change, and that the rest must be released. The crocheting gave me some peace of mind and some small sense that I had at least one thing I could direct to a positive end.
That's about it. I couldn't get into the chat room again. It would have been nice to spend some time with civilized caring people. My yahoo/connect bps was only 87 even though my modem was transferring at a significantly higher rate.
Thanks again to those who sent me cards. A special thanks to shining angel (hugs). I'll be back in the room when yahoo allows. It saddens me when I think of all the hardships the room regulars have endured. But it gives me strength knowing there are others who can relate.
Well, it's two weeks later, and my surviving sisters wanted a favor. Now they are speaking to me again; and so it goes...