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Today, I finished sorting the last bit of clutter, the last remaining rubbermaid to store my useless junk. Saying goodbye is hard, and even though I don't use most of the junk I've been throwing away, I still feel grief as I put it in the garbage. I noticed however, that as soon as the junk is in the garbage and I review the empty space where clutter once sat, I am flooded with relief to have the clutter gone.
I think the hardest things to say goodbye to are items that never belonged to me to begin with, such as my mom's former coursework and designs. I feel reminded of the grief she had and my own feelings of guilt, on those days when her brother had us come to clean her things out of his storage, when she was forced to dispose of so many things she had forgotten she owned. She didn't want to throw anything away, so she kept offerring to give him and me stuff and then him and I would feel sad whenever we said no to her.
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Today, I finished painting my little desk. It feels good to accomplish things.
I need to finish my other painting, before Ralph comes to do it for me. If he ends up doing that, I will feel so disappointed in myself. I don't have any reason not to finish!
D. got some CDs from the local library last night, so we've been ripping the songs from them to play on the computer. Even though I have access to new songs, I still keep playing the same old songs I always listened to when I sit at the computer. Old habits die hard.
Speaking of old habits, my hands look so so terrible. A year ago, I had fingernails that the princess of manicures would be delighted to look at, but now, I've managed to successfully bite them until it looks painful, and I have been handwashing so much that the weather and washing have left the skin on my hands cracked and painfully worn looking.
I had a sad day and I felt lonely today, but I know the feeling will soon pass.
