Fade To Grey
I breathe in hard, so hard it hurts my throat. I gaze pointlessly out of the window and watch the hospital fade into the distance, trees, houses and other things fly pass me. I wonder where each person I see is going, what they have done today and how they feel. I wonder if anyone feels as shit as me. I wonder if anyone has ever felt so choked up, humiliated and scared as me, and if anyone had ever done anything as stupid as what I have done. I end these thoughts with a no and just continue to stare out of the window. I begin to recall the past few days, which makes me feel worse. Tears burn in the corner of my eyes but I cannot cry anymore as I have wasted all my tears, so my eyes just sting, then I clench them shut. The car jumps forward as it rolls to a stop. I open my eyes and once again look at the real world I was trying to escape, to see why we had stop so suddenly. I see a red glow from above me and gradually watch it turn to orange, then to green and I feel a small rumble of the engine and we begin to move again, and yet again I�m lost in my own head, my own world with my eyes closed firmly. I feel safer in the dark.
*********
It all started a few days ago when I figured an addiction had to stop before it got too out of control, and when I say that I mean before I thought it was an addiction. Giving up something you need, something you love is the hardest thing I have ever done. I sat there on Saturday night with him staring down at me, his eyes were full of worry, love and anger. His voice wasn�t loving though, it switched from angry to caring. I just sat there, I felt so small and week. I felt shame burn in heart as my cheeks turned an unnatural red, and I felt vomit slowly work its way up my throat. The hot burning sensation made me cough which triggered the tears that had been sitting in my eyes just waiting to be released. I was trying my hardest to show that I didn�t need anyone and that no one cared about me which meant crying was out of the question, but when he had got me to look straight in his eyes I couldn�t hold them back. His eyes were beautiful and full of love and warmth which I kept turning down every time he tried to help me out of a spiralling circle of drink, sex and although I had promised to never do them again drugs. I had worked so hard to turn them down in the past, but everything got too much and my stupid fucking pride got in the way and I didn�t dare ask for help ever. It wasn�t who I was, fuck, if only I had I wouldn�t have been caught out and I wouldn�t end up feeling like this. Things slowly began to get to much, his disappointment shattered inside me, I couldn�t look at him. I couldn�t face him. My heart broke into two when he walked in on me just lying there about to do something I gave up years ago, it broke my heart to see that I had upset him and that I had let him down like this. I leaped up and tried to make a run for the door but his firm hands wrapped themselves around my shoulders and bought me to halt, whilst turning my around to face him. I struggled slightly and tried to push him back so I could escape, so I didn�t have to see how much I had hurt him but he just wrapped his arms around my petite frame and held me close. I wanted to run away from all my problems like I always do, I didn�t want to face the mess I had made. I pressed my hands against his chest and felt all the muscles tighten as I pushed as hard as I could, I tried squirming to brake the grip of his hands. Instead he just grabbed my arms and push them towards me so my elbows were by my hips. �Get off of me� I screamed in his face. He breathed in deeply to catch his breathe back from where he caught me before I ran out, �no you need to sit down and talk about it� he snarled back, I turned my head away and stared at the ground � look at me Brian� he screamed � fucking look at me, you can�t keep doing this, you can�t keep running away from everyone and everything.� More tears streamed down my face as I realised I couldn�t do this alone any longer and that whatever I did I couldn�t get out of this room. I felt my knees give out as emotions pushed their way in and took over my body. �I can�t do it stef� I glanced up at him, my eyes full of tears, and fear �I can�t do it�. Stef slid down onto his knees too and I felt his fingers run through my hair as he pushed my head into his chest. I took a breathe in and started to sob. My sobs were uncontrollable whilst I struggled to breathe, but I felt so much better to let it all out finally.
I was just sitting there crying hysterically for what seemed like forever. When my sobbing finally came to a halt I just stared up at stef�s eyes. I could see that there were a few tears forming in his eyes, �what�s wrong� I questioned him. �I hate to see you hurt� he sighed �Brian you know I would do anything in the world for you. I would tell you anything you wanted to know.� He paused for a moment �Will you talk to me now?� I didn�t want to, I was too ashamed, but I couldn�t deny him anything right now, I had hurt him enough already so I just nodded, as I was pulled to my feet. I was still shaking when I sat down on the bed, I felt the mattress dip in as it absorbed my weight and then I felt it slant to my right side. I looked up to see stef making himself comfortable next to me, and his arm enclosed around my shoulders, pulling me in tightly. My breathing had gone back to its normal pace when stef broke the silence. �Talk to me, tell me what has happened. Was it what happened the other day between you and Steve?� I stayed silent. �come on tell me you and him are keeping this all to yourselves. GOD I want to help you both but I need to know what happened.� Finally I broke the silence �nothing�, Stef raised his eyebrow � well when I say nothing� I continued �I mean it was a stupid argument� My voice was still shaking. � I just blew up in his face when he told me I was being stupid putting on an act, to hide����....� �that you were hurting inside� stef finish my sentence for me. �no� I snapped �I wasn�t hurting and I�m not hurting� my pride jumped in to my words before I had chance to think. My body ached from where I was so tired, from crying, lack of sleep and the way I had abused my body over the last few days. Stef sighed � there isn�t any point us having this conversation Brian, if all you are going to do is deny everything. Every time I try to talk to you, you deny everything .� I looked at the floor, I just wanted to scream I want your help please help me, I love you so much please just hold me tell me every thing is going to be alright, but I couldn�t, I couldn�t bring myself to say the words I needed to say, so I continued to stared blankly at the floor.
Stef let his hands slump on to the bed and he pulled himself to his feet, walked over to where he had laid his coat down and pushed his arms through the sleeves. He pulled the zipper up to the top walked towards the door and stopped. I expected him to say that I was to go and stay with him like he had done the past few weeks. �Brian I give up� he said carelessly �you don�t care about anyone else so why should I care about you. I am putting all my effort into looking after you. You can help yourself now, I have tried for so long to help you, helped you try a stop taking this FUCKING HERION� by now his voiced had got louder as he pushed a glass of water off my side cabinet. He closed his eyes. �its your pride you know, you can�t even ask for help yet you know you need it. I take you back to my place and we talk you cry I cry it�s a very emotional time. Then when I wake up the next morning you are gone and where did you go Brian?� I kept focused on the floor. �you have gone back to your dealer, your FUCKING DEALER. You kicked the habit years ago WHY, why they fuck are you doing it again. You keep promising me you have stopped and you UGH your full of shit Brian Completely full of shit. All you do is lie at the moment. You are by yourself I don�t want to talk to you until you have stopped this irresponsible habit. � and with that he opened the door, walked out and slammed it again. I just sat there blankly. Everything he said was said with such rage and so fast it took a while to sink in.
When you love some one they can scream how much they hate you, they can tell you how they don�t want you, call you all the names under the sun but nothing hurts as much as them saying that they are disappointed with you. That hurts the most. The one person you want to make proud telling you have let them down, it burns inside and can reduce the toughest man to tears, and that�s what happened (although I�m not a tough man) Stef�s words ran through my head, over and over again like a broken record player, I was reduced to more tears. I tried searching through memories when he said he loved me but they were all overpowered by the pounding recital of distress and fury that wouldn�t leave my mind. By now I had sunk to the floor in a small ball trying to protect myself from everyone. That�s why I don�t get close to anyone because they can hurt you and I always caused it by hurting them first. I mess everything up, as soon as I get a good thing going I mange to push it away and leave a demolished path behind me, bits of peoples hearts, their emotions I shattered by being so selfish. I just hurt everyone one who tries to help, everyone who cares for me. I realise that is why I�m alone. I listen intently to my heartbeat, it�s pace begins to get faster and faster as I realised I was completely alone now stef had left. I was still in shock at what had just been yelled at me in mouthfuls of rage and disappointment. I pushed my hands down onto the carpet to pull myself to my feet. I wanted to grab my relief, I wanted to take my sweet escape from this place. My body was shaking throughout, I was so tired and week. As I forced one foot in front of the other slowly I began to make my way into the front room where I had left my release. I didn�t give a fuck what stef thought, he hurt me why should I give up something that made me feel better for someone who made me feel worse? I stumbled slightly grabbing hold of the chair in front of me to support myself as I shoved my right foot in front of my left.
I finally made it into the other room by grabbing on to bits of furniture that lay around my flat. I let my body go limp as a fell into the sofas welcoming cushions that dipped down where I slumped myself. I let my head hang down for one moment as I closed my eyes and continued to listen to my heartbeat as before. It had slowed down into a more steady pace, but not yet quiet normal. I shock my head slightly knocking my hair to the side and lifted my head up. Tears were still streaming down my face. I blinked quickly to clear the fuzziness from my eyes so I could focus properly for one moment before a cascading amount of salty water fell again from my now swollen eyes. I saw it, my needle and heroin laid on the table. Ready for me to heat up and send all pain to come crashing down and let me be free from the world I was in, well at least till I woke up. I leaned forward and put my hand out towards the equipment that lay in front of me, but then I came a sudden halt. Stef ran through my mind, �focus, fucking focus� I cursed under my breath. I carried on reaching but only moved another few centimetres before my arm came to another standstill. � You are by yourself , I don�t want to talk to you until you have stopped this irresponsible habit� rotated around in my mind. Was it worth it, I questioned myself, I would be alone and I would hurt stef again. �GOD� I screamed emotionally, �fucking hell , why, why am I so selfish?� I pushed myself back into the chair. A huge cloud that had been clogging my thoughts for the past hour seemed to clear. I knew I couldn�t do it again. I knew that I couldn�t carry on. I couldn�t believe how self-centred I had been. Why didn�t I listen, why this? Why that? I was full of faults and errors, and I all I was ever left with was why didn�t I do that. Asking myself rhetorical questions. I loved stef like I had never loved another human before I was willing to die for him, so I drew a quick plan in my head. I felt my eyes sting as tears stopped falling. I inhaled and watched my chest rise up until it couldn�t rise anymore and I let out a lungful of air. I regained a small amount of energy and tugged myself to my feet with the assistance of the coffee table. I rapped my fingers round my equipment sprawled across the table and pushed them heavily into the bin beside me. �I�m doing this for stef� I murmured to remind myself why I just basically threw a shit load of money in the bin. I bit my lip and bent down to tie the corners on the white plastic bin bag together. I tied it into two knots to make sure it was secure, before pulling it out of the actual bin. I made a dash to the door before anything leaked out of the bag. I felt good about what I had just done yet at the same time I was bloody annoyed. Just before exiting the flat I grabbed the keys so I could get back in and noticed a key chain that stef had bought me. It said �smile, because someone loves you� then on the back it said �and that someone is me!� it was plain except for a sunshine and heart decoration. I smiled and reminded myself that he loved me and that I loved him and after I got sorted I could tell him that.
I threw down the bin bag into the larger dustbin beside the fronts doors. The night�s air was bitterly cold. All I could see was the glow from the street lamps further down the road. The atmosphere was calm and silent. Completely silent. I decided to go for a walk to help clear my head. My feet pushed their way through the snow, shovelling it aside and leaving a white glistening substances on my shoes. Thoughts began to enter my mind. They came thundering in, it was almost to much for me to take. It was the first time in weeks that I was able to clear my mind and think about anything. The Brian I had put on for the public had taken over the real me and now I couldn�t get rid of him. About two months ago I was in a steady relationship with this girl. I thought she was really special and I thought maybe she was the one for me. It didn�t last however when I found out she had been having an affair since the beginning. She said it was only a bit of fun and she thought I knew that too. My heart splintered in to thousands of pieces and that�s where stef came in and helped me. He would let me cry for hours on his lap. His hugs and kisses helped ease the ache of heartbreak. One night about two weeks ago I was upset yet again and very confused. All these new feelings began to enter my thoughts. A new love was helping me forget another one. It was overpowering what I was trying to get back to normal but I couldn�t figure it out. I had never felt so strongly about something, like this before! Then I was lost in my memories as I walked quickly through the night.
�don�t cry� stef said in his caring loving voice. His fingers were entwined in my jet black hair. He was sitting against the head board of the bed with his legs dead straight. I had my head on the top of his thigh and was just sprawled across the width of the bed. I raised my head �I�m sorry�
�sorry for what� stef questioned.
�keeping coming and pestering you� I sighed � I know you have better things to do� stef just laughed gently. �Bri, I don�t mind. I know how long it can take for a broken heart to heal. Anyways there isn�t anything to do in these pokey hotel rooms so you are most welcome to come in here. We will be going home soon so that will help as well.� he paused �and when we are at home I doubt I�ll see as much of you�
�why�s that?� I enquired
�because it�s a long walk for your little legs from your place to mine and we know how lazy you are� he winked. A grin spread across my face as I pushed my torso up so I was on my knees �I could get the bus or a taxi� I cocked my eyebrow. Stefan just shock his head and laughed as he gestured that I came and sat close with him. I pushed my body backwards so I was sitting next to him. I felt a strong arm wrap around my shoulders and pull in me in tight. We embraced for a moment, our tongues dancing and playing of each other. I felt so complete whilst kissing him. Stef was the first to break away. My lips were trembling. Kissing him was no longer something to make me feel secure and just to make me feel better. For me it was something I now long for, to feel his soft lips brushing passionately against mine but I wanted more. I wanted to feel his body like we used to when we kissed. A proper kiss. I wanted to let my hands dart across his back, feeling every inch of him. I glanced up to look at him, he had his eyes closed. He looked so perfect just lying there. Beautiful blue eyes were revealed when his eye lids sprung open. He smiled at me, such a stunning smile it made my heart skip a beat. I wanted to please him beyond his wildest dreams. I wanted him inside me, longing for him to indulge in me. I pined to see his eyes light up with passion and pleasure, to hear his breathing increase. I closed my eyes to envision these thoughts. I could clearly see both of us keeping up a steady rhythm, body against body, mind melding with mind. Whilst content with what was going on in my head I felt a strain on my groin. Shit, I thought, I can�t let stef see this. Images of lust and sweaty hot sex steamed up my last thoughts before I lifted my head to indulge in another kiss and it was quickly returned but this time I let my hand wander up along the side of Stef�s face.
Stubble tickled the tips of my fingers, my dominate nature kicked in. Stef knew that I would get what I wanted and when I wanted it when it came down to sex. My other hand roamed along his inner thigh. I broke the kiss and rolled over so I was cradling him in between my thighs. My hands went darting up his shirt like metal being attracted to a magnet. I felt the muscles tighten along his side as I pushed his shirt up revealing his chest. God he was so perfect, his stomach was completely flat and toned. His skin was soft to the touch, I ran my eyes along every curve and bump along his faultless body. To my surprise he pushed his shirt back down� stop it� he ordered.
�I want this� I pleaded
�I know you are upset and everything, but this wouldn�t be right and you know it!� I looked deep into his eyes. They were full of concern, but what he didn�t know was how much I wanted him; not just the sex. There had be many times before where we had, had casual sex but to me this was different and I couldn�t figure out why. �I want you� I pleaded one more time and put all my effort into making my eyes look as innocent as I could. �I don�t know Bri���..� his words were cut off as I showered him with kisses, and continued with the top removing, which was rudely interrupted before. Stefan rose his arms as I pulled it up and over them and tossed it to the side. I started to kiss his neck, soaking in his scent. I began to work my way down over his chest. I was kissing his skin carefully, pushing my lips down onto his supple body and then raising them ready for another kiss. I worked my way over to his nipple, kissed around it before I gently bit into it. Stef almost squealed with pleasure and the slight sting from where I pushed my teeth over it, but he seemed to enjoy it. I pushed my bum and legs further down his body so I could kiss him lower and was pleasantly surprised when I felt something hard against my spine, Stef was nearly excited as I was. Hundreds of emotions shot through my body, I needed to take my trousers off, the confined space was beginning to make me ache. I carried on kissing and caressing his body, it almost seemed unreal. I reached his trouser line and slid myself off his body , my fingers were trembling with anticipation as I roughly undid the button and zipper. I tugged madly at the jeans to remove them from his body I couldn�t wait to see, touch and feel. With one final tug they slid off and joined the shirt that lay slumped in the corner of the room. I slid my hands along his inner thighs until I reached his boxers, which although caused a small diversion were quickly removed too. I leaned over his length and kissed his stomach until I reached his cock. I kissed up it and felt all his muscles tighten as I slid my wet mouth over the head and down, I sucked powerfully as I pushed his length against the side of my mouth. Gasps and groans filled the air, the excitement was getting to much I needed to be touch. I pulled my mouth off with one last suck. �I want you� I whispered. Stefan looked up and down at me, his breathing was unsteady and his eyes, god his beautiful eyes full of lust, I could see he was longing for me to touch him again, send him back into the climax he was beginning to reach. �I want you inside me� I said, as I shoved myself of the bed in search for the all purpose lube! Stefan lay there silently, I reached in to his bag that was half packed for when we had to leave for another hotel tomorrow, and there it was. I grabbed it opening the cap as I leaped back in the bed. I was so excited, like a school kid in a candy store. Stef push himself up to help me tear off my clothes. I squirmed and wiggled out of each item I had on, and each item of clothing were thrown aside. I squeezed a sufficient amount of lube on to my hand and placed in on to his cock, sliding it over each bit before I was roughly pushed onto my back. I knew what was coming, yet I was scared and curious. I felt one finger enter me then two, �fuck me� I screamed not thinking first, and was exactly what he did. I felt him place lube around my arsehole and then he positioned himself and slid in. I let out a gasp and bit my lip, pain surged throughout my limbs and then there was a withdrawal and with another thrust more pain spread through my body this time a little more pleasuring, and then a slow steady rhythm began to work up. I felt him push deep inside me and the pull back out again. My hips were soon returning the movements, my back arched , as I threw my head back. Bliss flowed throughout. I could hear loud groans from above me, as I let out shorter more high pitched ones. He leaned over slightly pushing his cock against my wall, more pleasure steamed through my body. The pace got quicker as I yelled �faster�, everything became a swirl of movement and sound as I felt Stefan tense up and come inside me. By now my own cock was throbbing, desperately wanting to be touched. Stef took a huge breath in and placed his hand over it and it only seemed a couple of strong hand movements until I felt myself climax.
We both slumped back onto the bed, regaining our breath. I moved in closer to Stefan as we kissed passionately one last time before closing our eyes to retire to a peaceful sleep. � I love you Brian� he whispered before kissing my head and relaxing backwards. My eyes shot open and that�s when it all sunk in. Fucking hell it took me this long to realise I was in love with him. Shit I needed to get out of there, I couldn�t love him, what if he hurt me again like everyone else had in the past? I waited patiently for him to fall asleep before removing myself from his embrace. I ran over to different parts of the room, collecting my clothes and stuffing them back on. My heart was pounding as I made a run for the door. God knows what was going on in my head, I walked quickly down to a club, and that is where I decided I couldn�t let Stef know I needed him so I started acting out, showing that I was fine but I wasn�t. I went back to my dealer and started taking heroin again, it numbed all the pain, made me forget everything.
I was jolted awake from my daydream of the past by a loud bang. I stopped and looked up but couldn�t see what had made this noise. I must have been walking for ages as I was in the middle of the park about a mile from my flat. The night sky was beautiful, there were no clouds so you could see all the stars glistening bright. The memory that I had no energy began to come back to me as I sat down on a bench that was at the side of a path. The metal was freezing, I felt it sink through the material of my trousers and on to my leg which my me shiver. I cupped my hands and let my head fall into them. It was so peaceful, I wondered how I could make stef talk to me again, well I knew how but I wondered if there was another easier way. I wanted to go back to my flat and get out my kit so badly, cravings rang in my head as I tried my hardest to push them aside. My thoughts were rudely interrupted by a short sharp whistle followed by �OI OI sexy!� It was a man�s voice which was slightly slurred so I guessed that he had been drinking. �OI sexy lady� came another comment. I looked up, there were three staggering men coming towards me, I sighed and just put my head back down hoping they would just pass by and ignore me, but no such luck. They came right up to me before they said anything else. �hello sexy� came a indistinct comment.
�come on� said another �lets see your pretty face�
I raised my head and just glared at them. I didn�t need this right now. They just stood there for a moment, I could see they were trying to work out whether I was a girl or boy from their blank monkey like faces which I assumed matched their IQ levels too. �fuck� one of them finally spoke up. �You�re a boy� his facial expression still showed shear confusion and he looked almost in pain. I just rolled my eyes, I needed to get out of here. �You have make-up on, and long hair� he paused � like a girl has�
�yes.� I just replied simply, they seemed to drunk to understand anything else
�Ew you�re a nancy boy, a fucking queer�
I decided that this could get nasty so I stood up to make my way home but was stopped by two strong hands that pushed me back down on to the bench. I began to panic, they were twice my height and build. I reached into my pocket to grab my mobile, my hands were trembling with fear. I contemplated who to ring for a moment. My first choice was stef, but I knew he would just hang up the minute he knew it was me. Steve was my other option, but I didn�t know where he was and he might be with stef, in which case he would be most likely to hang up but I pressed the dial button anyway and pushed it into my ear. �hey look the girly boy has a mobile�
�You ringing your boyfriend?� another one questioned, followed but a chorused laugh. Just keep quiet I said over and over in my mind �hello� thank god Steve picked up. �Steve� I almost squealed � where are you� and before I had chance to hear the reply my phone was snatched from my grasp, thrown to the ground and trodden on. � you fucking wanker� I screamed �that was my phone you arsehole� I jumped up off the bench and once again was meet by two enormous hands but refused to be pushed down by the almost over powering strength. I pushed my way through them and went to make a run for It. �I hate gays� one said calmly as he swung his fist round and hit me across the face. Pain rushed up my nose and across my cheeks bones. I went to hit him back before the smaller man grabbed my arms and held me back. My head was spinning from fear and the punch I had just received. �get off me!� I yelled. I kicked up into the air trying to get them away from me but was struck again across my face. I felt the skin on my lip rip as blood trickled from it. Then almost straight after, my body again came in contact with his fist, this time in my stomach. Tears swelled in my eyes, a burning pain streamed within my body. I blinked hard to clear my vision, releasing a few tears. �fuck we made him cry!� One of them laughed �I wonder if we could make him sob?� questioned a voice from behind me and he hit me again. His fingers pushed into my side, digging into my rib cage causing me to cry out. My head was thumping and I could feel blood running down my top lip from my nose. My limbs ached from where I was being held up at such an awkward angle. I thought of stef as more blows hit me. That�s when I started to sob. I came over dizzy, my head began to droop, verbal abuse was being thrown at me as well as an continuous punches. I felt my body hit the floor, and feet being dug into my body from the powerful kicks. My world just became a mixture of sounds and colours, I couldn�t focus properly on anything anymore. I must have laid there in agony for what seemed like hours, letting complete strangers bruise and damage my body and mind. Then everything went dark.
I opened my eyes, agonising pain shot down every nerve in my body. I pushed my body up so I was against the bench, a shining red glow caught me eye. I glanced down at it and saw a pool of blood. Immediately I remembered what had just happened and looked up to double check I was alone. Tears were still steaming from my eyes. I lifted up my hands in front of my face, they were uncontrollably shaking, covered in grazes and cuts. My head ached as I touched the side of it and was surprised when I bought my hand back down to see it covered in a blood. My nose felt like it had been shattered into a thousand pieces. I clasped the side of the bench and heaved my self to my feet. It took all the effort I had not to fall back down again. No one cared for me, I couldn�t take it anymore. Heart broken and just had the shit kicked out of me. Addicted to drugs and drink, constantly upsetting people. Was there actually any point of me being alive? As soon as things started to look up something happened that made it all come tumbling back down again. All through school I was picked on, bullied. Beaten up for being me, I had a whirlwind of abuse shoved in my face everyday. People taking advantage of me, this drug abusing, sex crazed Brian I had put on for the public was now becoming the real me, and I hated him. I closed my eyes tight, I didn�t want to be alive, I had spent most my life living in depression , I didn�t want to see myself grow old miserable so there was only one way out. Something I had considered many a time but they were all empty thoughts. I stumbled back to the hotel, one arm clasped across my chest trying to stop the pain from increasing with every movement I made. I pondered over which way was best and less messy, I didn�t want to make a fuss after I had gone.
I shoved my hand into my pocket to search for my keys, praying that the men hadn�t taken them. Then I had an idea. I reached over in to the bin next to me and pulled out the white bag that lay on top, I ripped it open and saw my needle. It was almost a relief just seeing it. I grabbed it up out of the bag and placed it all in my pocket, and contined with my search for my keys. I found them and pulled them out. I ran my finger in between them to single out the one that opened my flat. I guided the key into the hole and turned it. The door swung open revealing the flight of stairs which led to my apartment. Holding tightly to the banister I walked up the stairs and fell against my door. I pushed both hands down on the cool white surface and stood there for a moment. I knew something had to be broken it wouldn�t have hurt this much otherwise. Once again I found my key I needed and let myself in, I noted to myself to clean my hand as I had left a bloody hand print on the door frame. I kicked the door shut with my foot which sent blinding pain up through my limbs, and threw my coat down. I just stood there for a moment reassuring myself what I was about to do was for the best. Tears had stopped falling from my eyes as I was well and truly out of tears tonight. I limped over to the kitchen. I opened the draw that was full of odds and ends. I knew I had some in here, I shoved bits of paper, pens and other items out the way in search for what I wanted. I looked down and there laid a unopened packet of 64 extra strong paracetamol, my trembling hands reached down to pick them up as I hobbled over to the sofa and once again let myself fall into it�s cushiony welcome. I needed to do this now, I knew I had enough heroin to overdose and die happily, still to make sure nothing went wrong I had the pills too. I leaned forward to grab the bottle of water that was lying on the carpet. I was terrified, my body was still bleeding and swelling from the beating I had just received. I couldn�t take any more nights of feeling like this, drowning in my own pool of depression. I unscrewed the bottle cap and tore open the packet of paracetamol pushing out one of the wrappers that held 8 pills together, and popped each one out in front of me, and repeated this for the other 7 wrappers, until 64 pills were laying on the table. I took the bottle which I had stood on the table next to my display of tablets, and poured a little into my mouth, then with my other hand I picked up 4 of the little capsules and swallowed them down. I needed to do this quickly before I changed my mind. To my surprise I seemed quite content in what I was doing, until I had swallowed the last one and just about to heat my heroin before they kicked in when there was a loud bang on my door. I rolled my eyes, sleep was beginning to take over my mind I had to work fast so I ignored it. �Brian� the person behind the door called out. Shit it was Steve, what�s he doing here? I cursed and sat as still as I could. �Brian, I know you are in there� there was a pause � the door downstairs was open , I know what happened between you and Stef��.Brian fucking let me in.� Everything went quiet for a moment. �shit Brian why is there blood on the door, Brian please� his voice was getting louder and more frantic, I began to panic, what if he came in and stopped me. I leapt up and went to make a run for the door but just fell over hitting the floor with such a force it made me cry out. �what was that bang, Brian are you ok�.. BRIAN?!�
�Leave me alone� I called back noticing how my voice was slurred slightly
�Brian If you don�t let me in I�ll�.�
I cut him off � break the door down� I laughed
And with that Steve hurled himself into the door. The room shuddered, and then again with another blow from Steve�s insistent force. I didn�t know what to do I couldn�t let him see me, so I crawled in to the bathroom slamming the door behind me only reaching up to lock it before curling into a ball. Stomach pains began to over throw me as I heard the front door hit the ground.
I heard Steve kick his way past the door and into the living room. �Brian� he called out �Brian, where are you, you little shit, please tell me you haven�t taken these pills!�
I shuddered as I remembered that I had left the wrappers on the table. I sat there silently praying he would just go, leave me to do this alone. I briefly heard a few loud crashes and my name being called out. A lump began to form in the back of throat, I was going to be sick. The burning sensation got worse but I just swallowed it down again. My head was still thumping and the room started to spin. The feeling of regret washed over me, my breathing began to get faster as I realised what I was doing. My hands started shaking as I tried to open the door. I wanted Steve to take me in his arms and stop everything from hurting me. I didn�t want to die anymore I was too scared. Instead of opening the door I just unlocked it and fell to the ground, fuck I thought if only I had, had more time to do the heroin I wouldn�t be chickening out. Steve must have heard me fall as I felt the door slam into my head. �Brian, fuck did I hurt you I�m sorry.� I felt his eyes on me, taking in the site of me laying curled up in a ball. Blood mattered in my hair, cuts and grazes scattered across my face. Bruises that were now swelling on my arms and face. �Brian, what happened� he said, his voice was unsteady. I felt my muscles in my stomach push together trying to force me to be sick, I but kept it in. �it doesn�t matter� I said calmly �nothing matters anymore� Steve bent down to touch my arm. I pushed myself away from him �get away� I yelled making him jump.
�Brian.. oh Brian please let me help. I spoke to Stef, he told me what happened. Just tell me you didn�t take all those pills please tell me you weren�t trying to kill yourself� his voice was caring yet he sounded scared like a small child.
�what�s the point I ruined my life?�
�please let me try to help you Brian. I�m begging you. There are hundreds of people that love you and want to help you�
�I just don�t want to be alone anymore� I took another gulp to keep myself from vomiting �all my life I have been picked on, people using me and hurting me..� I paused for a moment whilst my muscles overpowered me, felt the hot liquid come up the back of throat and watched it slid on to the carpet and with another almighty push from my stomach I threw up again. �I�m going to go downstairs and get Stef ok?� we are going to take you to hospital.�
�NO� I cried out. I was too ashamed. I couldn�t let Stef see me like this, but he disappeared anyway. I closed my eyes . I began to fall asleep, I knew I shouldn�t but It crept over me. �Brian� I heard stef�s voice call out �Brian, oh fuck� Stef threw himself into the bath room and laid down beside me. �I�m sorry I didn�t realise you were this upset I thought It was all an act for attention and that� he stopped �why are you bleeding, Brian who did this to you?� I felt his arm pull me up and hold me.
�god brain please be ok� I was drifting in and out of sleep. I felt Stef sobbing begging me to be ok telling me he loved me and I tried to tell him back but I couldn�t, instead I felt my eyelids get to heavy and close firmly shut. All I remember next was the sounds of sirens and flashing lights.
*********
I push my eyelids up, I�m back in the car. I couldn�t let myself dwell in the past. It was just upsetting me. It was a great feeling to be out of the hospital, to know that I had a fresh start and some one to look after me. I didn�t want to remember the last few days anymore so I pushed the memories to the side. I felt myself get pulled into stef�s body. His arm was around me and he kissed my forehead. �I love you Stef� I smiled. I saw a smile creep across his checks. �I love you� he replied �but Brian if you ever get like that again I want you to tell me. I wont think any less of you. I know the real Brian Molko and I love him to pieces, so don�t try to fool me again ok?� I nodded and slid my fingers in between his and held on to his hand as tight as I could. �I love you� I said again. Stef laughed.
�you know you don�t need to keep telling me�
�mm I know, but I don�t want to lose you� he learned down to kiss me and we let our tongues play together. I looked into the front of the car at Steve. I was so thankful he stopped me before I had taken anymore pills or the heroin and put my life at real a risk, I owed him my life really! I snuggled into Stef more, and couldn�t wait to get to his house. I was so happy that I was there, and grateful as he was also coming down to the station with me to make a police statement of the three men. �Stef, you sure you don�t mind me staying� I questioned him.
�Nah, you need to be looked after and if like you said are serious about this relationship then that would be a good place to start don�t you think� I sat there and couldn�t think of anything to say I had come out of all this with a boyfriend I loved and who loved me, so I simply replied
�God I love you!� and pushed my lips up to his.
THE END.
