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Lora's *How do I piss off my roommate* Page

Don't talk to your roommate.

They are not people and they like to be left alone. If you talk to them, i.e. if you say more than "Hi" and "Bye", they can get easily irritated and that can be dangerous for you. Remember you live with them, you don't want to make them mad at you. You don't wanna die for saying the wrong thing. The more you say, the more likely it is that there is something your roommate doesn't like.

Stay up late.

Stay up very late, maybe until 3 or 4 am. Sit at your computer and chat to people from home. This itself will not piss your room mate off. Therefore there are several things you have to bear in mind if you want to achieve the desired result. Search for books and pens in your drawers, but don't find them immediately because otherwise there might be a chance that your roommate will sleep on and will not have the pleasure of knowing what's going on.

Don't stay up late.

This is a very powerful weapon. If you go to sleep at 22:00 or 23:00, there is a chance your roommate will still want to be up using their computer, finishing their work for uni, etc. There is no better way of giving them a bad conscience than with "trying to sleep" while they're still up, stirring. For this reason, it might come in handy to prepare for bed at 9 pm, lay in bed with the room dark, except for your reading light on and your book in your hand. In order to be warned, when your room mate is coming home, lock your room. But don't only lock it, turn the lock as many times as possible, so you will have enough time to turn off your light and pretend you are asleep. There are a couple of variations to this theme. You can wait till they are in the front room so that they know that you are only pretending. You can leave your light on, with your book still in your hand but your glasses next to you. When your roommate comes into your room to find you "asleep", turn over in bed, as though disturbed in your sleep and make sure you almost burry your glasses underneath yourself, so that you can blame it on them if they're broken. If your roommate happens to realise what's going on and manages to pinch your glasses away from you before you manage to break them, pretend you didn't notice and don't ever say thanks the next morning.

Everything's fine, as long as you do it.

If you happen to stay up late and your room mate can't sleep, that's fine. If they happen to stay up later, that's not fine. Find a reason why you don't want them to stay up. For instance, say that their keyboard is too loud if they type on it. Make sure you have your earplugs near you, so that you can actually go to sleep if you chose to, but piss them off by pretending that earplugs don't help to shut out the thunder of typing. Take your pillow, put it over your eyes and ears. Keep tossing and turning in order to irritate your room mate and make them feel bad about you. Ask them in an annoyed tone when they were planning to go to sleep. After they've eventually gone to bed, "wake up", turn your reading light on and pretend that you need to read right now because they have "woken you up".

Play music.

If your roommate wants to sleep in the afternoon beacuse for some reason or another they didn't get enough sleep during the night, play your music on their soundmachine. Play the same CD at least 3 times in a row as loud as you can still excuse it. If you can't hear it yourself anymore, put on a different CD and commence as described above. Don't listen to your music with your headphones on in this case, this would only be to fair and nice. Remember, that you are not trying to be nice but you want to piss your roommate off.
If you roommate happens to be up and listening to their own music on their computer or soundmachine, put your headphones on and listen to your own music, just to demonstrate how bad their music is. Do this especially if they play songs you have downloaded on their computer yourself when you were still talking to them and you still needed them. Put your headphones on as often as possible so that you can pretend that you don't hear them if they talk to you. It's a good excuse for not talking and it is annoying as hell. Remember that headphones don't exist if it you need to annoy your roommate with not letting them sleep. Alternate between the two options as needed.

Protect your property.

Put a password on your computer so that your roommate can't use it if you are not at home. Don't download your own Kazaa or similar. Read the following why:
Use your roommate's computer to download shitty songs on their computer if they are not home. Make full use of the fact that they trust you and consequently they don't put a password on their system. Sign in on their AIM account, so that you can send the songs to your own computer. Don't bother deleting the songs from your roommate's computer once you've downloaded them. Make sure they know what you've done and pretend that it's a natural thing to do. Don't bother asking them beforehand or thanking them afterwards. Remember that everything's fine as long as it's you who does it.
Strictly separate your own stuff in the bathroom from their stuff, while your bottles and thingies take up a lot more space then theirs. Even though it doesn't really matter, it will piss them off for you being so particular about possessions.

Invite people to stay for a week.

That itself is not a problem, so make sure you make it a problem for your room mate. Go to sleep at 4 am, while making loads of noise before getting into bed, to wake up your room mate. Get up 2 hours later, making even more noise to wake up your room mate again. Pretend everything's fine and don't mention it again.
Invite members of the opposite sex to your room, making your room mate get up at 4 am to go and sleep at other people's rooms so that you can have a wild night. Tell them later that you didn't do anything you couldn't have done in a common room, that will make them go mad. Say sorry only briefly and then forget about the thing. Remeber, as long as it's you who's done it, it's all right.

Back

Sing.

Singing as such is not a problem if you're a good singer. If you are and cannot change this fact, you will have to come up with something new.
Sing your own music while you're having your headphones on, but only if your room mate has just got home and put on her music. This way, they'll have their music playing with your own lyrics and melody in the background.

Get up early.

This in it self would again not piss your roommate off because you both live in a free country and the clocks go around 24/7 so everybody is free to chose their time of getting up and going to bed. Make this an issue. Get up at 7 or 8, then after taking a shower, which is not disturbing enough to wake your roommate up, rummage in your room after books or papers, then dry your hair IN the room to demonstrate how little you care about the other person. Don't even think about the option of drying your hair in the bathroom, where every other person would perform this act of hygiene because your hairdryer might not be loud enough to wake up your roommate from there.

Do confusing things.

Now there is a wide range of confusing things you could do just to annoy your roommate. For instance, don't talk to them for a week or two, while simultaniously presenting them with a chocolate egg every day. This way, your roommate won't know what the hell you are trying to say with you behaviour and it will help make them insecure.
Cook large amounts of food and offer your roommate some of it in the pretention to be nice. This is a convenient way of getting rid of stuff you no longer like and you don't have to throw it away. Make sure you pretend it is a generous gift from you so that they feel you are in their debt.

Don't be greatful.

Make your roommate invite you to their parents' house. Stay there for a couple of weeks, be nice to everybody and friendly to make sure you can come again if required. Then, after you have come back to your dorm, decide otherwise and don't talk to your roommate for a week to give them the feeling they have done something wrong at home and now you are punishing them for it.
Reward your roommate's attempts of trying to make you feel comfortable in the foreign country with grumpiness. Tell them later that it's not their fault and it is only your way of coping with things. After a few weeks of pretended friendship go back to be a bitch again to show them how they don't count and it is only you who is important.

Lie.

Lie about everything and everybody. Lie to your roommate about everybody they know and in return, lie about your roommate to the same people behind their back. This will help confuse the situation and cover up your own helplessness. If you can't make people be your friends, at least make sure that they don't make friends with your roommate. Always tell the straight opposite of what happened or what somebody said. Make up reasons why you hate the one person or another and especially make sure that you come up with enough untrue stories about your roommate. They haven't done anything to piss you off, of course, because they noticed early enough in the show that they don't want you as an enemy and therefore tried to please you with whatever they could. But that doesn't count, of course. The aim is to make everybody hate your roommate so that they stop talking to them and will spend more time with you.
Bitch about the people you spend time with to make sure that your roommate thinks you are on their side.
Be secretly jealous of all your roommate's friends who are not your friends because you scared them away. Make sure to take revenge on your roommate for all the mistakes you have ever made. They don't deserve it, true, but somebody has to pay for what you have done.

Be immature.

Be too immature to be able to make it alone without Mummy and Daddy for a year at the age of 21 and make your roommate pay for it. Pretend to be their friend at first, as long as you feel that they are good for you. Chew them up as long as they are tasty and then spit them out if you don't need them anymore. They are trash and they don't deserve anything better. Be on the phone with Mummy and Daddy every day for hours and hours to show everyone how bad you miss your family and how cute it is how much you love them. This will also rub it in for everyone that they are just not good enough to be allowed to be around you every day and will never be able to please your Royal Highness. Never understand how people don't appreciate you enough for just being your hilarious self. Forget the fact that you actually have to give something in order to receive something in return. You are something special, consequently everybody has to obey you and immediately do what you want. If people don't meet your expectations, ignore them for the rest of your life. No, make sure everybody knows that you hate them. After all, you are the cream of the crops so it really counts what you say.
Don't decide what you want to be. Go back to university for another year to take a planting class. Make sure your roommate knows that Mummy and Daddy have enough money to pay for another university year.
Spend 40 Euros on a footmassage.
Spend over 100 bucks for colouring your hair.
Be prepared to spend 80 Euros to get your nails done.
Pretend that you are somebody who you are not.
Keep your head up high. With an attitude like this, you can't fail.