- George Bush
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
- Basepall Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost (1874-1963)
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
--Unknown
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
--Woody Allen
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
--Albert Einstein
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken
--Unknown
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
W.C.Fields
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
Homer Simpson
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."