What You Talkin' 'Bout Willis
By: Mr. Kritik

   So I saw this episode of Friends (incidently the greatest sitcom of all time) the other night.  It must have been a new one because I had never seen it before, and I watch the show faithfully mind you.  OK, here's what happened.  It seems Chandler met this really horrible woman, and married her, then moved with her to Canada, and became a dentist.  Weird huh, also it seems that none of the other "friends" (Joey, Monica, Phebes, Ross or Rachel) were in this episode.  So Chandler's married to this bitch, who incidently wants him dead, so she can collect on life insurance.  Well, while they're living in Canada, Montreal to be exact, Bruce Willis moves in next door.  Well after Bruce Willis' many adventures it seems he's on the run from one of his past foes.  Well, Chandler's wife sends him to Chicago to rat him out, and collect a finder's fee.  Well, of course, since having saved the world together, Bear (Armageddon-Michael Clark Duncan) shows up to help Bruce.  In Chicago Chandler also meets one on Bruce Willis' wives, and falls madly in love with her.  So in the end, there's a lot of shooting, and surprise, surprise Bruce Willis wins again, and Chandler and Bruce Willis' wife live happily ever after.

    Of course I'm am not actually talking about an episode of Friends.  Actually, I'm referring to The Whole Nine Yards, starring Bruce Willis & Matthew Perry.  True to form Bruce Willis plays himself very well.  I mean seriously, has he ever played anyone else?  Whether he gets type-cast or he's just not as good an actor as we all think, he plays the same person in every movie.  As for Matthew Perry, he plays Chandler Bing, referred to in this movie as Oz, which was short for his last name.  Not that this is a bad thing, I'm quite fond of the Chandler character, in any incarnation.

    Well at first glance this movie doesn't seem like it would be that good.  Definately not worth full price film charge, and maybe not even worth matinee price.  Actually this movie turns out to be the greatest movie in the world.  Closer inspection reaveals this all too clearly.  I mean Bruce Willis star of Die Hard, Die Hard With A Vengeance, The Fifth Element, Armageddon, chalk up 1 for The Whole Nine Yards.  It's a dark comedy, definitely a plus.  Come on, Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), is obviously the funniest character on the greatest sitcom of all time!!!!!!  It's got 2 love stories, neither of which detract from the main plot, so you can watch it with girls.  AND there's a happy ending, and we all know I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

    So there you have it, the first movie to earn a 5 Elements rating.  This is a must see for who's tastes are even remotely close to mine.  If you like Friends, see this movie.  If you like Bruce Willis, see this movie.  If you like dark comedies with happy endings, see this movie.  If you like the movie Very Bad Things, seek counseling.  If you like the movie Grosse Pointe Blanc, see The Whole Nine Yards.

                                            "I am the greatest swordsman who ever lived!"
                                                                       -Val Kilmer, "Willow"

A Note From Mark
      So this isn't actually the only movie Mr. Kritik gave a 5 Elements rating.  Remember that little piece of crap called "Ready To Rumble?"  Yeah, that got 5 Elements, but don't worry kiddies, your beloved Mr. Kritik is not a moron, at least not this time.  He so subtley said that this was the first movie to "earn" a 5 Elements rating.  Just thought I would point that out to anyone to slow or dense to pick up on that.